


Blind Rage Coupled With Endless Love

by Knight_In_Heels



Series: To live is the rarest thing in the world [1]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Blackmail, Bottom Khan, Bottom Kirk, Childhood Memories, Dirty Talk, Emotional Baggage, F/M, Falling In Love, Family, Family Don't End in Blood, Fluff and Smut, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Getting Back Together, Getting to Know Each Other, Hand Jobs, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Justice, Khan being a Cock Tease, Light BDSM, M/M, Manipulation, Open Marriage, Oral Sex, Past Child Abuse, Past Lives, Please Don't Kill Me, Polyamory, Recovery, Redemption, Rough Sex, Sex, Smut, Teasing, Top Khan, Top Kirk, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-30
Updated: 2016-10-13
Packaged: 2018-08-18 16:16:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 18
Words: 95,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8168158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Knight_In_Heels/pseuds/Knight_In_Heels
Summary: Khan is back aboard the Enterprise, and this time, Fortuna is on his side. But getting what you wanted is not the end, it's also a new beginning. He's forced to deal with his past, with his own character, with what and who he really is. Starting a new life isn't always easy, and it doesn't come without emotional turmoil. Especially when there's a certain captain involved who now carries your genes.





	1. Life Number 42

**Author's Note:**

> With this, I wanted to dive into Khan's personality a little more, into his past, what makes him tick. I wanted to explore exactly where he comes from and what he thinks of himself behind his haughty mask, and how much he can escape his "programming". He had a life, earlier, so how did that influence him? 
> 
> Generous Smut in later chapters. Think of it as...porn with a lot of plot, and much (explicit) teasing until it happens.
> 
> Kudos and comments are very welcome. If you find any mistakes, typos or others, please tell me. This story is not beta-read, Brit-picked or anything, I'm on my own.
> 
>  
> 
> Bear with me here, I know this start is long and verbose, but we're just getting started, and the crew has to learn some new, important details about Augments, because, no, it's not so easy, in fact, it's far more complex than our crew thought.

Khan was, and it was a strange feeling to think that of himself, incredibly grouchy. But, he thought, that was understandable under these circumstances. He was back on board of the Enterprise, with half a dozen implants filled with some lethal substance – even lethal for him – buried in his body, to keep him under control, to which anyone could have the trigger. He had been sentenced to cryosleep, for pity’s sake! And here he was, standing in the medical bay, arms crossed, and waited for the captain to explain why in Shiva’s name he was here. When Kirk did, Khan’s arms dropped to his sides.  
“You want to awaken one of my crew to see how they fit in?” he rumbled. As humans went, that was NOT what he had expected.  
“Yes, that is the theory.” Kirk nodded. “Isn’t that what you wanted, to get your crew back? Well, that is your chance. Starfleet has thought long and hard on this and – even though I want to tell you that I think they’ve gone completely insane this time – they want to give you a chance to redeem your...reputation, and that of your people. We understand that you acted violently because of your genetics AND the immense pressure Markus put you under.”  
“Not to forget the treason committed against me by every person I encountered since I was woken.” Khan’s lips moved to form a little smile. “In simple words, Starfleet trusts that I am not an evil psychopath, but merely a very concerned and grieving friend of the last people in the world that are like me. But to be sure, they put implants full of lethal substances into my body and put me on a ship that will not return to port for five years.”  
Bones nodded. “Fools, to put a genetically enhanced murderer on this ship,” he whispered, but Khan heard it, and smiled anew, trying to hide a snarl.  
He turned his head to the doctor with an elegant motion.  
“Doctor, you would kill for your crew, all of you would, and do not deny it.” Khan cocked his head to the side and said with an evil smile, “Imagine, doctor, your beloved Captain, your Vulcan, your Russian, your linguist, every single one of those, were the only people left in this world for you, even more than they are already, I presume, considering your ugly divorce. Imagine you would wake up in a strange, alien world, a world you called home once, a world that was your territory, filled with people you ruled over and cared for, and three hundred years later you are woken by a maniac who tells you that you have to build weapons for him or he will massacre all of those who are left. You don’t even know if he is just one maniac among many good people, or if humanity has sunk so low that all of Starfleet is like him. You’re imprisoned and you have no idea what is going on outside, no chance to even check what happened in the future that is now history. While you work for him under hellish circumstances – sleep deprivation, starvation, dehydration, not to mention the constant terror in your head, in short, torture day in, day out – you begin to understand that this maniac is trying to make a war happen that might destroy the planet that you cared for centuries ago, at the very least kill millions of people, maybe eradicate a whole species. A planet that is your only home, as far as you ever had one.”  
Khan let that sink in for a moment and continued an octave lower. “I chose to give him something that was so advanced that he would not question if I could deliver even better weapons and ships. Then I chose to rescue my crew and in the same motion try to make the world wake up to the maniac’s plans, by exposing his special unit through an explosion.”  
“People have died during that explosion!” Kirk hissed viciously.  
Khan shook his head. “The area was shielded from below the ground, so the damage should have been minimal. I never learned why the upper building collapsed, my only target was Section 31. And fourty people, Captain, and do remember I say it as someone who has commanded armies once, fourty people is a fairly small price if you consider that their death helped expose Marcus’ plans for a war that would have killed millions.”  
“So we should be thankful for what you did?” McCoy spat at him.  
“Yes,” Khan said simply. “I saved my planet from war, I saved millions of lives, I even saved your captain quite personally, and I saved your friend’s necks from those Klingon patrols,” he explained. Khan knew he was stretching the truth a bit, but he also knew that people liked to believe such stories when told right. “The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, whereon my soul is grooved to run. I cannot help but do what my instincts command me to do. And protecting and ruling are my instincts. As is revenge on those who tortured me and killed members of my family.”  
Kirk and McCoy were silent for a minute.  
“He tortured you? What do you mean? You regenerate extremely quickly, how is it even possible…”  
“Just because you heal faster and are more resilient does not mean you do not feel pain, doctor!” Khan spat.  
“I thought you were ‘better’, isn’t that what you told me? Why would a genetically engineered body feel pain?” asked Kirk and looked at him like a deer that is supposed to learn trigonometry.  
“Oh, you humans!” Khan said, smirking and pacing a few steps to hide his exasperation. “Pain is necessary, pain is useful, it tells you when there is something wrong with your body. I seem to feel less pain than humans, I guess because my body deals with wounds immediately, so I only need pain for the really concerning ones. It is indeed just as possible to torture me as it is anybody else. And believe me, I know the tricks.” He looked at the two officers like he would love to give a demonstration on both of them.  
“But you talked not of physical torture but sleep deprivation and starvation,” McCoy pushed. Khan could only tolerate such questions because he could see that the doctor’s interest was purely scientific. Khan could relate to that, despite his bad experiences with scientists. Plus, he felt that his goal, getting his crew back, was so close now, and the situation commanded that he mustn’t fight, but instead should cooperate as best he could, so he did.  
He nodded. “I require food, water, oxygen and sleep just as anyone else, that much should even be clear for the likes of you. Markus kept me on a short leash concerning those things, to keep me weak. But humans like violence towards a being that is at their mercy. My guards overdid it. Sometimes I got no food for weeks at a time, and water was only within my reach when they decided it was a great sport to try and drown me, officially as punishment. They made me work for days without sleep, weeks maybe, I lost track of time, as I was in the underground facility in London and had not seen daylight since I was woken. They just kept changing and changing the shifts and I was still there.”  
The two other men looked wary. Kirk only nodded and glanced at the doctor. Khan could see on their faces that they pitied him for what he had been through, and that they were frightened because they knew what he was capable of. But Khan had no intention or reason to fight them. Khan was a wild beast that only fought when it had been poked with a stick too many times. Marcus and his guards had certainly poked him too many times, in too many ways he cared to relate.  
Khan’s lips twitched when he thought about the guards and Marcus. The men had had the same end as Marcus, even though Marcus’ death had been the most satisfying by far. It had been electrifying. “He really should have let me sleep.”  
Kirk’s head snapped up at those words. Maybe he had finally understood that Khan had not meant cryosleep when he spoke those words to Marcus. Khan took a deep breath.  
“But I thought a question-time about my custody is not why I am here, even though it is nice that somebody wants to finally hear about it all, not that your High Court cared until now. What about my crew?” He let his gaze wander back to the captain.  
He felt a strange bond with the blond man, like they were two sides of the same coin. There was no denying it, they were alike. He hated him nonetheless, but he could relate to him.  
“We will get to that, we are waiting for…”  
At that moment, the door to the medical bay opened and in came the Vulcan and his mate, the dark-skinned woman with those eyes that reminded him of home. Khan didn’t know her name. However, even though they had only met once when she tried to stun him off her precious Vulcan, the woman looked at him with cold hatred in those beautiful eyes. But he would, too, if she had halfway ripped his mate apart.  
“Captain,” said the Vulcan respectfully, and his mate nodded in Kirk’s direction.  
“We were just explaining to our Augment what will be happening here, before he gave us a little lesson in terrorist psychology and torture methods,” McCoy grumbled.  
Khan smiled, but bared his teeth menacingly in doing so. “One man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter, doctor. I guess you should understand my hate for him now.”  
“Yeah, I get it, you’re the tragic hero here.” The doctor ground out, although it sounded almost genuine instead of sarcastic.  
“One of your crew members will be revived. Right now. You can choose which one. You might want to give us a good example of someone who is not prone to violence,” the captain said loudly to prevent further bickering.  
Khan looked up at the captain. “I can choose?”  
Kirk nodded and smiled, not even an unkind smile. “No reason to not let you choose. I guess there must be some of your crew you miss more than others.”  
Khan flinched. “Are you trying to be nice to me?”  
“Since you have experienced nothing but violence and bad behaviour from Starfleet so far, it would be about time, wouldn’t it? Plus, we have found no records about who these people are, if they are important or not, what position they hold, nothing.” Kirk explained.  
Khan felt slightly confused. Of course, he thought, that is much like you, feeling confused when somebody seems to be kind to you.  
“Do you already know which one it will be?” McCoy asked, trying for professionalism this time.  
“Number 42,” Khan said instantly. The faces around him seemed surprised, but Kirk acted after a second, activating a communication channel.  
“Chekov, beam cryotube 42 directly to med bay.”  
“Aye, kjeptin,” a voice with a strong Russian accent answered. It sounded far too young.  
Before he knew it, a cryotube started to materialize on one of the beds, and Khan unconsciously held his breath. It had been centuries since he had seen this face rosy and alive. It was hard to keep his composure now. His dignity was important to him, but even though those people around him were among the last people he wanted to see him during what would inevitably follow, he felt like he had never cared less.  
They all stepped closer. The tube held a young woman with hair as black as Khan’s, sharp, aristocratic, but subtly beautiful features like Khan’s, and a lean, perfect body like Khan’s.  
“Go on, wake her up,” Kirk said cheerfully.  
Khan looked to the doctor. “Not you?”  
“Can you not do it?”  
“I can. Does that mean you cannot?”  
McCoy’s face contorted with anger. “I’m a doctor, not a cryo-engineer. This technology is outdated. But I will try my luck with those buttons if you are above it.”  
Khan couldn’t help but chuckle at those words. The whole situation was making him dizzy and lightheaded with joy, even though he tried to suppress it. He let his fingers fly over the controls of the tube and heard the hiss that followed.  
“So, who is this lovely lady?” Kirk said and tried to get a better look at her.  
Khan smirked. “My other half, literally.”  
“How poetic,” said the Vulcan’s mate with a mix of surprise and contempt.  
“Not at all, Lieutenant. She is the other commanding half of the captain’s chair, or the throne, as it were. In our society, we are made up of pairs, in command as well as in life. Without her, I am not allowed to decide anything anywhere, technically. Apart from that, she is what you might call my wife, and the mother of my children.”  
The officers around him stared at him as if they saw him with different eyes now.  
“I would never have taken you for a family man.” Kirk had obviously said out loud what they all seemed to be thinking.  
Khan lowered his head a little and answered in a hushed voice. “I’m not anymore. My sons died in battle centuries ago. My daughter was killed by Marcus when he first threatened me into obeying him. He switched off her tube when I said I wouldn’t help him with his war-mongering,” he added very quietly. “I didn’t refuse him anything after that and simultaneously made the decision to give him a terrible death.”  
Now he definitely saw pity on their faces, even on the Vulcan’s. He blinked a few times to get the memories and tears back into the depths of his head.  
“You...had children?” asked the dark-skinned woman, sounding incredulous.  
“Hard to imagine me as a father, is it, lieutenant? Yes, I had children, before they all fell into the hands of my enemies.”  
“Is she a warrior like you, your…wife?” Kirk asked to change the subject.  
Khan snorted. “She is a woman, not a warrior. Women are not warriors.”  
The Vulcan’s mate made an exasperated noise. Khan rolled his eyes.  
“No need to set your feminist anger to that, Lieutenant. Our women are not warriors, because they have a different task. But you would have to understand the workings of our society for that.”  
“Enlighten us,” Kirk said.  
Khan took a deep breath for his lecture. Cooperation. Bring them on your side.  
“Augment women are just as lethal as the men. The difference is their disposition. Our men are aggressive, and our women are harmonious. While our hearts cry for the enemy’s blood, they are the voice of compassion. We are hate, they are love. They are what brings balance to our aggressive mind. Augments work best in pairs. We are off balance when our other half is missing. While I, for example, would rule our empire with an iron fist, keeping the people in line, fighting wars to secure the borders, taking care of political arrangements, she would take care of the people, making sure the majority had to eat, that their rights were respected, their education provided. She would also manage the palace. If it still means anything in your century: she was everyone’s loving mother while I was their strict father. You cannot rule quarter of the Earth only with a good heart or an iron fist, you need both, and that is our function. Was. So you see, Lieutenant, just because I say, she is a woman, not a warrior, does not mean she is degraded to cleaning and cooking and bearing children like a broodmare. Quite the opposite, it rather means that she is a gentle and loving leader, not an aggressive fighter. In many ways, she might be the better part.”  
The woman had the decency to look slightly ashamed.  
“Yeah, about the children. I didn’t think Augments could reproduce,” the doctor said, actually shooting a look in the direction of Khan’s crotch.  
Khan shook his head disapprovingly. “Reproduce. Such an ugly word. And you call us barbaric. But I guess you, doctor, as well as the rest of your people, would indeed call it _reproducing_. Mostly, these days, it seems to me, pregnancy is a nuisance, especially when it happens unwanted, after a tryst between people who hardly know each other, who do not _recognize_ each other, who have been mindlessly fucking like animals in more or less remote corners. It’s even more thoughtless of you humans, sleeping with other people, since you cannot control if you make a child, at least not with more than common sense, which, in my opinion, is rare among your species,” Khan scoffed.  
“And you can control it? Or do you simply never partake in such lowly encounters?” McCoy asked, half intrigued with medical interest, half sour.  
Khan smirked at the doctor. “I am not averse to pleasure just for pleasure’s sake. There is a reason why our palace had a harem consisting of twenty to fifty of the finest men and women in the empire. But to conceive a child is something that should be kept between the partner and one-self, and I find it disgusting how humans deal with what we see as sacred privilege. Augments can, indeed, decide during the act if we want to call upon a new soul or not.”  
“How?” McCoy said, seemingly before he could stop himself. He sure was an eager scientist.  
“That is not so easy to explain to a human, I am afraid. Augment men and women have the power to control if they are fertile at a given moment or not. Only if both have set their mind to creating new life, can it happen. Augment appetite for carnal pleasure is quite strong, so it is good that we can control _reproduction_ by force of will. Just as it takes concentration and effort to be a parent, it is the same with conception. At least for us. There are no unwanted children in our society. Pleasure is important for a being’s health, but you humans tend to treat even that with contempt. Not as pleasure for both, but as sport, competition, even a game to have power and make your partner a faceless number.” Khan’s eyes found Kirk’s and he stared at him disapprovingly.  
Kirk sensed the Augment’s contempt. “Well, you had a harem, I don’t see the difference in having a string of lovers or one-night-stands.”  
“The difference, captain, is mutual respect.”  
“Tell me, did you respect your sex slaves? Men and women you said, well, I wouldn’t have thought of you like that, you know, you bedding men.”  
“I respected them all, and they weren’t my slaves. They were my wife’s bedmates as well as mine, and we respected them. And spare me the musings of your tiny mind, captain, as for bedding men. Even you should understand that it is not important what the body is made up of when it comes to attraction. It is about the person inhabiting the body. Attractiveness, if you only want to see it, can come from many sides. You should have seen them, Kirk, the dark beauties with their curvy bodies, the fair-haired girls from the North, snow-white of complexion, the exotic boys with their raven hair and their beautiful eyes and sensual lips, the muscled mountains from further south, so much less breakable than a woman. They all have their beauty, no matter their gender. Believe me, captain, you would not talk with such contempt if you had ever experienced what I can give. One night with me would open even your eyes, experienced though you might think yourself to be.”  
The other officers muttered under their breath, but Khan kept his attention on the captain. Kirk’s eyes widened. He tried to look scandalized, but Khan’s purr had made it impossible, and he could barely hide his excitement.  
“Are you hitting on me? You have some nerve.”  
Khan smiled wickedly. “Merely telling it how it is, Kirk.”  
Kirk huffed, still trying for exasperation. “You must have some faith in your skills.”  
“I could make you experience pleasure that would fill the rest of your life with endless sexual frustration, James, so yes, I have faith in my skills,” he purred in his richest, darkest voice.  
“Hey! I’m still your captain!” Kirk pointed an angry finger in Khan’s face. The officers around them shifted uncomfortably at what was going on in front of them. The doctor cleared his throat. Kirk had blushed visibly.  
Khan cruelly went back to his normal voice. “As shown, captain, nobody is really immune to well-done stimulation, no matter where it comes from.”  
“Oh for god’s sake,” Kirk tried to argue, but Khan cut him off by turning to the doctor with a sudden motion, who actually jerked a little.  
“I need a reflective blanket and a tub of warm water, exactly 37 degrees Celsius, to warm her slowly. And a syringe to inject my blood. We should have hers flowing in the next five hours. The chemicals that get injected when the tube’s waking sequence is activated help, but it would take longer.”  
McCoy nodded and hurried off, since all of his nurses had been sent away for this experiment.  
Khan shortly looked at the officers surrounding him, then he stepped over to the other side of the bio bed. “Mr Spock, if you would be so kind to help me disassemble the tube? I am afraid normal human strength is insufficient here, and it should be done on both sides simultaneously to do it quickest.”  
The Vulcan nodded and stepped to the bed. “What instructions do you have precisely?” His tone was emotionless.  
The two half-humans worked in perfect synchronization, and within two minutes, they were heaving the top half of the shell away from the bed. It was heavy as hell, and Khan’s muscles were actually straining. The Vulcan was panting. Together, they lowered the shell to the ground.  
Khan straightened up and looked at the woman in the rest of the tube.  
“ _Ab door nahin, pyara_ ,” he whispered.  
Uhura made a soft noise and Khan looked up at her.  
“Did you understand what I said?”  
The woman nodded.  
“Remarkable. Do you speak Hindi, _bhaashaavid_?”  
“Not well. I am specialized in alien languages.”  
“What did you call her?” Spock growled behind Khan.  
Khan chuckled and opened his mouth to respond, but the woman was faster.  
“He called me a linguist, no worries, commander.”  
“As I still don’t know your name, Lieutenant, I thought this would be suitable. And Mr Spock, no matter what you think of me, I do have manners. I would not call your mate inappropriate names.”  
“Says the man who is hitting on the captain,” the woman said, smiling this time. “I’m Lieutenant Uhura.”  
Khan made a very small but recognizable bow to her. “An elegant and pretty name that fits its bearer. But really, you should know the difference between purring a little for a man who has a reputation as a notorious womanizer to throw him off balance, and hitting on a woman who is bonded to her definitive life partner, who is even present. That would be respectless.”  
“Ah, we’re not married…” Uhura started, but Khan cut her off with a shake of his head.  
“Contracts, paperwork, rings, ceremonies. They mean almost nothing when the bond is already there. When my _raanee_ and me had our ceremony, it was merely to celebrate what had been established in our early youth already, even in our genes.”  
“Does _raanee_ mean wife?” Spock interjected, seeming slightly staggered at the turn the conversation had taken, and the softness of Khan’s voice.  
“ _Raanee_ means queen,” Uhura said shortly.  
Khan nodded approvingly. “A King’s wife should always be his Queen, and not only by definition.”  
“This is so sweet,” Kirk said, who had been awfully quiet.  
Khan’s head snapped to the captain. “If you doubt that I do care about my wife, remember I killed many people for her and the others, and would not hesitate to do so again!” His voice sounded too angry. He must get himself back under control.  
“Easy, tiger,” Kirk said, and held up his hands in mock surrender. “I just thought you would get the irony of talking about what is appropriate and what is not, and how much you care about your wife, when minutes before you attempted to lure me into your bed, and that while standing next to your girl.”  
“And again, you demonstrate a tiny mind, captain. My wife and I have had too many lovers on the side to count. Physical faithfulness is not important, being faithful in your heart is what counts. Not that you would know what it means to love someone with all your heart and tenderness. I do not mean your crew, I know you love Mr Spock and Ms Uhura, McCoy and your precious Scotsman and your Russian child, and all the others, and that honours you as a captain and a friend. But the kind of love that is even stronger than that, forgive me, that love you know not the least about. That is something that even your Vulcan friend…” Khan fell silent and spun around to the woman in the cryotube. Had he…? Another. Khan gasped and rushed to her side.  
“What…?” said Kirk, but Khan actually hissed like a cat, bared teeth and all, so that Kirk fell silent again.  
Khan felt the woman’s wrist, neck, then put a hand over her heart. A faint heartbeat. The intervals too long to be normal, but a heartbeat nonetheless. “McCoy!” he thundered.  
The doctor came running from an adjoining room. “What?”  
“Where is that syringe I told you to get?” Khan scowled.  
“I was still preparing that bath, _sir_ ,” the doctor scoffed, but handed him a syringe and then turned to his patient. “Is she waking already?”  
“Heartbeat,” Khan said in a clipped tone and forced the syringe into his arm carelessly, drawing blood and injecting it into the woman’s cold body.  
“What? That is impossible, her blood should be frozen!” the doctor said, looking at the instruments that still showed nothing. The signal was too faint, but Khan knew it was there.  
“You could compare it to slushy snow I guess, it could do damage in this half crystalline form, my blood will help, so will the bath. Is it ready?”  
“Yes. Let me move the bed.” McCoy pushed a few buttons and turned on the anti-gravitational field underneath the stretcher, so he could take the hovering bed to the next room. The whole party followed them, Khan not moving from his wife’s side. The bathing room was small, with three tubs. The middle was filled with warm water. McCoy halted the bed. “What now? Do you want to get her out of that thing or is it still too dangerous?” The doctor sounded grumpy, even more than seemed usual. Obviously, he hated that this procedure was beyond him. By means of an answer, Khan started to take the woman into his arms, carefully, almost in slow motion. The black uniform she was in started to crumble away. The fabric had lasted frozen for three hundred years, and now its time was up. Khan’s face was stony with concentration, and nobody tried to protest or ask questions.  
“Salt the water, make her float,” Khan ordered McCoy, who simply pushed a few buttons without complaining. Slowly, Khan let go of the body in his arms and let the water take care of her. He cleared away the last scraps of fabric and fished a few bits out of the water. He smiled a little when he looked at the lean body. So much pleasure it had brought him, not only in the heat of nights and days, but also by giving him children to cradle in his arms, throw into the air carefully, and twirl them around, bathing him in their golden laughter.  
“She is beautiful,” Uhura remarked a little shyly. The other officers had stepped back respectfully, while McCoy was checking her vitals, swearing under his breath with what sounded like absolute incredulity at how fast everything was going. Khan looked up at the woman opposite him.  
“She is. They made her perfect. And yet this is nothing compared to what it makes one feel when she smiles. All that artificial beauty, her perfect shape and size, all that is visible now, matters nothing as soon as she smiles and her eyes sparkle.”  
“You really do love her, don’t you?” she said, her voice a little thick. Obviously, she was moved.  
Khan nodded.  
“I had not thought you capable of such…sweet emotions.” She fidgeted a little.  
“I know you see me as a murderer, a cruel man, a criminal, and you are right. If it did me any good, I would crush your skull right here and now. I don’t say that to scare you or threaten you. I only want to remind you that I am, indeed, all those things. I was made this way. But I do have feelings, and as vast and endless as my rage and cruelty can be, the same counts for my love and kindness. I am not a heartless monster. I kill when I must, and it does not bring me sleepless nights. But I am no tyrant. And I am not heartless, or I would not have gone to such lengths for my crew. You have no idea of the things I did for them.”  
“Oh, I think I have a good idea of that, we were sent to kill you for what you did for them,” Uhura said, a touch colder than before.  
“That was only what I did to others for them. There was more. Much more. The things Marcus did to me were unspeakable. But I endured, and I killed him, and now I am here, so every ounce of pain, humiliation and torture was worth it, Uhura.”  
The woman said nothing and just looked at him for a while.  
“My first name is Nyota.”  
Khan smiled shortly, and they were silent again.  
“What is her name?” Uhura asked at last.  
Khan looked up at her shortly and then back to his wife. “Khatan Neera Rajani Kaur, the Khatan being the consort of the ruling Khan, Neera meaning nectar or clear water, Rajani, a form of Kali, meaning night, and Kaur being the female version of the Sikh surname Singh, meaning princess, actually,” Khan explained.  
“Quite a mouthful.”  
“Because Khan Noonien Singh is not,” Khan said dryly.  
Uhura chuckled shortly and then went back to business. “And what should we call her once she wakes up?”  
“We all called her Neera.”  
“Khan?”  
“Yes?” He heard the hesitation in her voice.  
“Can I ask you something about your children?”  
Khan looked at her. He had never spoken about his family with anyone of these new people. But he liked Nyota. He nodded.  
“What are their names?”  
“Don’t you mean were?”  
“They will always have their names and a place in your heart.”  
Khan smiled at her. He was silent for a moment. “Kumari Neha Rishima was the name of my daughter, Kumari is princess, Neha is rain and love, Rishima is moonbeam. It is tradition among the Augments to name female members of the family after something to do with the night, and male members after something to do with the sun.”  
“And your name? I don’t see the sun in your name.”  
“Singh means lion, the lion is a symbol for the sun.”  
“What about your sons? You said you had sons as well.”  
Khan nodded. “Kumar Bala Kiran, literally the young sun-ray, and Kumar Sanjay Dinesh , the triumphant lord of day. Kumar is a prince. Sanjay was our eldest, he died in battle. Kiran died when he wanted to recover his brother’s body. They were wonderful boys. Kiran was so soft, so gentle, he was no warrior. Sanjay should have inherited my throne if there had ever been a time when I wanted to leave it. Augments don’t age the way humans do. We are still not really sure how long we live. Our cells regenerate too fast to let us age properly. So it would be possible that my sons had never inherited my throne due to my death by natural causes.” Khan had never talked that much about his race and his family. When he had been woken, of course Markus didn’t care. But Uhura seemed very much interested.  
“Khan…how old are you exactly? I mean, we know you slept for roughly 250 years. And you look like, what, thirty? I am guessing that is not your real age.”  
“Quite right. When you don’t count the years I slept, I am somewhere between sixty and seventy. It matters not, really.”  
“Wow. And Neera?”  
“Exactly as old as I am. We were engineered at the same time. Our youngest was twenty-one when he died, our oldest thirty-seven. Our Neha was twenty-nine when...” Khan ground his teeth and tried to hold back the tears. He would never really get over Neha’s death. His sons had died for a cause, with honour, defending loved-ones. Neha’s end had been pure spite for Marcus. Augment grief was like everything else they felt; intense at first, and then at a constant lower level, but always there.  
Uhura looked down at Neera. “I’m so sorry that you lost them.”  
Khan only nodded.  
They were silent again for a few minutes. Khan had the feeling that she was not lingering with him for nothing. As if...  
“You know, I never thanked you,” she said in a very low voice, maybe so that her lover, who was talking silently to his captain, could not hear.  
Khan looked up at her, with one hand still dangling in the water.  
“For what?”  
“You saved my life on Qo’noS. When the Klingon had me by the throat, that was when you started firing, and I guess that would mean you saved my life,” she said, not looking at him. After a moment, she reached out her hand and put it on Khan’s arm, squeezing lightly. “Thank you, Khan.” Now she looked at him.  
Khan swallowed hard. Such a simple gesture, yet it warmed his heart immeasurably. When had he last heard those words? He couldn’t remember. People didn’t thank him, hadn’t even done so when he was Khan of his empire, not really. Yes, they had cowered and praised him, but their thanks were inspired by fear.  
“You are…welcome, I guess.”  
Nyota nodded towards the woman in the tub. “What did she actually call you? Did she call you Khan? I mean, it’s really a title, isn’t it?”  
Khan smiled. “She called me many things. _Priy… jaanam… moorkh_ ,” he smirked.  
Nyota laughed heartily at the last one, so that the other officers looked over to them curiously.  
“’Darling’ and ‘beloved’ I can understand, but you surely are no moron,” she giggled. Khan couldn’t help but grin like a schoolboy. His face seemed to have difficulty with the gesture, but it felt so good.  
“I am as much a moron as any other husband, I can assure you, Nyota.” He smiled warmly at her and looked at Spock pointedly. The Vulcan looked sour at their new-found camaraderie. Perhaps it was best not to overdo it. He snapped back into his other role.  
“McCoy, sedate her. Waking up from cryo is painful enough. Let her soak for half an hour, then over the next two hours raise the water temperature to 40 degrees. Fifteen minutes of that last temperature should be enough, then we take her out and into bed for 24 to 48 hours under heavy sedation. She should be ready to wake up then.”  
The doctor nodded and programmed the changing temperatures into the tub.  
Kirk stepped towards the tub. “So, Khan, I get it if you want to stay here, but seeing as she won’t wake for another day and you can do nothing at the moment, would you…”  
“I am not leaving,” Khan interrupted firmly, expression more guarded again. “Whatever you are trying to say: I am not interested.”  
Kirk nodded and after hovering for a minute, left the med bay with Uhura and Spock on his heels. Khan stayed where he was, one hand in the water around that of his wife.


	2. Stealing kisses is not nice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kirk displays some behaviour neither he nor Khan has anticipated only hours ago, and gets a little clingy. Khan is not amused, until he is.
> 
> A first bit of smut, but mostly dirty talk and longing looks.

The next thing he knew was that somebody shook his shoulder. Khan lashed out without a conscious thought, and could only stop his fist from breaking McCoy’s upper arm at the very last millisecond. The doctor sprang back like a frightened kitten.  
“What the fuck! Easy!” the doctor shouted. He looked as grumpy as ever.  
“Sorry,” Khan mumbled. “Don’t sneak up on me when I’m sleeping. These reflexes are made of decades of training and months of nightly abuse.”  
“Abuse?” McCoy stuttered.  
“Never mind. Why did you wake me?”  
“Because you were sleeping, kneeling beside a bathtub and a woman who won’t be conscious for the next 36 hours at the very least. That can’t be comfortable.” The doctor straightened up and assumed what Khan could only describe as “an official air”. And he seemed to be right. “As you are now part of this crew, I am your superordinate medical officer and as such I am ordering you to go to your quarters and get some sleep in an actual bed.”  
Khan laughed a little at that. “Are you now, doctor?”  
“I am.” No hesitation, no fear, not even nervousness. Khan had to give him that, the man had, as they said, balls, to command _him_ to do anything.  
“I want to stay with her.”  
“And I want you to go get some rest.”  
“I don’t need sleep. And I don’t need a bed.”  
“Go get some rest, commander! That’s an order! I will inform you as soon as there is even the slightest change in your wife’s condition. But you need rest. Even you. You said so yourself.”  
Khan looked up at the man and finally stood. He actually felt a little stiff for a minute. Sleeping in a kneeling position really was not a good option, even for an augmented body.  
“Fine.” He hesitated for a second. He hated not knowing something and having to ask. But the doctor seemed alright. Not like competition, but an ally. “So I do have quarters here?”  
“Well, you certainly are not sleeping in the broom cupboard. When was the last time you slept, anyway?” The doctor looked him over, as if he really expected to see dark rings under Khan’s eyes.  
“What day is it?” Khan asked, trying not to smile and look dead serious instead.  
The doctor groaned. “Never mind. Another mad bastard on board who gives a shit about his health. Great.”  
He lead Khan to the door of the Med Bay after Khan had one last look at his wife. She would be fine. It did her no good if he made himself miserable by kneeling beside her for the next two days.  
“Computer, lead crewmember Singh to his quarters from here.”  
The screens on the walls lit up and arrows began to flash in the direction he was supposed to go.  
“See you tomorrow.”  
Khan nodded and stepped into the corridor, starting to walk to the right. When he stepped out of a turbolift on the crew quarters’ deck, he almost ran into Kirk.  
“Khan, you’re still up!”  
Khan nodded, unsure how to respond. The captain seemed a lot too lively. And tipsy, if not drunk. Well, if that was what he did in his free time…  
“I thought you wanted to stay in Med Bay?” The captain crowded Khan against a wall. He also might have simply lost his balance a little.  
“The doctor threw me out,” Khan said, unsure if he was disgusted or amused by the captain’s lack of restraint. “He wants me to get some sleep. In a bed.”  
“Your bed specifically or will someone else’s do?” Kirk winked. Actually _winked_ at him.  
The Augment took a deep breath. “Are you hitting on me, James? You have some nerve,” Khan echoed the captain’s words from a few hours ago back at him.  
“Maybe,” the man grinned an actually very alluring boyish grin.  
“Not going to reprimand me for my respectless tone?” Khan asked and started moving in the direction of his room again, the arrows still flashing on the walls around him.  
Kirk walked with him, a little steadier on his feet. “I’m off duty.”  
“A leader is never off duty, _captain_.” Khan couldn’t help but hiss the words a little sharper than he had intended to. They had been drilled into his head when he had been very young. When he was still Noonien.  
“I am not leader of a quarter of the world, though. Just of this ship. And captains can be off duty, believe it or not.”  
“Whatever you say.” Khan halted in front of a door, as nondescript as any other in the corridor. He frowned a little.  
“What’s wrong?” Kirk asked next to him, sounding more and more sober.  
“It was the captain’s quarters for me, once upon a time. I’ve fallen deep,” he said, half bitter, half sarcastic. He was not born a captain or a Khan, he had had those positions only for a short time each. Still, it hurt his ego to be an inferior. But he was an Augment, which also meant that he could adjust. He would have to adjust now.  
“Well, my door might be open if you’re really nice.”  
It took Khan a second to catch the meaning of the words. “Sorry?” Khan asked, a little cooler than necessary.  
“Come on, who can’t take a little teasing now?” Kirk smirked at him. “You hit on me first.”  
“And you made it quite clear that you found the thought of bedding men repulsive.”  
“I said no such thing. All I said was that I would never have thought you the type of guy to do it.”  
Khan stared at Kirk intently for a moment. It was actually true. Maybe he had been too fast in seeing the homophobe in the man right away. Maybe because it was something he had had to fight against all his life. Well, at least at the times when he didn’t rule a quarter of the world. But this was a different century. Maybe humans had overcome the thinking in genders? Khan’s face softened and he smiled alluringly at the poor captain; he knew what that smile could do. And he actually saw the captain’s eyes widen a little, and a blush creeping up his neck.  
“Are you inviting me to your quarters, captain? Is that how you welcome your new crewmembers?” He let his voice go all silky and warm, and Kirk seemed completely taken by it. Of course he was. That smile was perfection, as a weapon should be.  
Kirk smiled back.  
“Only the really dangerous ones. You have to build up a relationship that makes for a harmonious environment, you see.” Kirk winked again and started walking backwards, inviting Khan to follow him down the corridor, which he did, like a predator on the hunt.  
“I see. How very clever of you, captain. But you should not forget that a tiger cannot be domesticated and will always be dangerous.” They had reached a door not far from Khan’s own. It opened for the Captain, who beckoned Khan to come in, still going backwards, still luring.  
“I happen to like danger,” the blond man said, smiling, and crowded Khan back against the wall next to the closing door. Khan let him.  
“Even when it slits your throat, captain? Breaks your neck?” Khan purred, and breathed the man’s title like a pet name.  
“You wouldn’t.” Kirk came closer, still closer. Khan could feel his breath on his sensitive skin.  
“Oh but what would keep me from it, captain? You would be helpless underneath my fingers,” Khan purred again and left it to Kirk to find the double meaning in the words.  
“You are not like that. Besides, where would be the fun in that?” Kirk smiled and leaned closer.  
“I can show you _the fun in that_ , captain, very easily, here…” Khan reached out with both hands and let them trail down the captain’s back. His captain, he thought, smiling inwardly. Not that he would ever accept that Kirk was more than him, because he definitely was not.  
His hands gripped the smaller man’s hips for a moment, then trailed up again, and around his shoulders, sliding towards each other to Kirk’s neck. He didn’t grab it, only ghosted his fingers over the sensitive skin, and Kirk’s breath hitched. The younger man ground his hips into Khan’s, and any last trace of a doubt over what Kirk wanted from him vanished when Khan felt Kirk’s beginning erection. Khan ground back against the other man, hard. Kirk groaned, his head lowering onto Khan’s shoulder. But that was a kind of intimacy he would not yet allow. He held the other’s head upright by grabbing his throat as gently as he could, and ghosted his lips over Kirk’s cheek and mouth, never making a move to actually kiss him. Kirk seemed on edge, absolutely fascinated, if not desperate, and after a few moments of Khan’s teasing, the blond man leaned forward and stole a kiss from Khan’s soft lips himself.  
The Augment growled and snapped his fingers closed around the Captain’s neck. Not hard, but unyielding and punishing. Kirk grabbed the stronger man’s wrists and tried to pry his hands away frantically. Khan saw the blue eyes widen, not really in fear, but at least concern.  
“Captain, I’m disappointed,” Khan purred. “Stealing kisses is not nice. I and I alone decide if anyone kisses me, do you understand?” Kirk nodded carefully. Khan manoeuvred them around so that Kirk was now pressed against the wall, without relaxing his grip. He stepped closer to the younger man and discovered that the choking must excite Kirk more than he had thought. Khan groaned theatrically into the other’s ear. “Oh Captain, really… does your Vulcan know that you get off on dangerous situations?”  
Kirk shook his head. “I don’t…” he croaked, but Khan gave him a little shake.  
“Yes you do, I feel you against my hip. You, Captain, are hard as a rock,” Khan crooned and ground his hips against the other man. Kirk whimpered beautifully. His face was slowly turning red, and Khan relaxed his fingers a little.  
“So, why did you want me here? Did I make you curious, Captain? By telling you that I could give it to you so good that anything after me will never be enough? Or is it simply that you feel aroused by the danger? Is it that?” He licked the man’s earlobe and began nibbling down his neck while Kirk groaned, unashamed. The sensation of skin on skin, of teasing somebody, was heady, even for someone as controlled as the Augment. Now that he was close enough, he could smell his own blood in the man, the blood that had saved Kirk’s life.  
“Or is it my superiority? That I am much stronger than you? That I could do anything I wanted with you and you could not stop me? I could bend you over that table behind me and fuck you so hard you’ll pass out from the sheer intensity.” Kirk writhed in his grip and bucked against Khan’s stone-like body helplessly. “But then again, I told you that I don’t sleep with just anyone, did I not? That I find it horrible how people couple like animals, without heart and respect?” Abruptly, he let go of the Captain’s throat and took a small step back to let the man crumple against the wall. “So why do you believe should I even think about taking you, Captain?”  
Kirk coughed and panted, trying to get his bearings. Khan waited. He was curious to see what Kirk would do now. Would he act humiliated and throw him out? Would he try to beg? To talk Khan into it? Not that he could have, but still.  
Kirk shook his head like a wet dog as if to get some order into his thoughts. He cleared his throat. “Well, I respect you, and when you’re not in kill-mode, you are even likeable. And I thought maybe the feeling was mutual.”  
Khan was first surprised, but then he smiled. “I don’t yet know if I like you a lot, Captain, but I do respect you. You died for your crew. You listened to me when nobody else would. You’re a fascinating specimen of your species.”  
“Gee, thanks. But that is not enough to make you interested in having a go?” Kirk didn’t seem too devastated about the way Khan had told him off. And Khan respected that even more, that the Captain had some pride.  
The Augment laughed a rumbling laugh, open and honest, and looked into Kirk’s eyes. “Oh James. You are interesting, I’ll give you that. But very honestly, I could break you, simple as that. Your body could not take the assault, and I am not sure that I could control myself enough. And I guess none of us would like to explain to your good doctor why you have bruises on your hips, legs, ankles, wrists, neck, shoulders, back and cheeks, maybe even some broken bones and at the very least some broken skin in places you probably don’t want to show your doctor friend.”  
Kirk’s face flushed at those words (as the Augment had intended) and Khan saw him jerking his hips slightly. He smiled and let some of his own hunger show on his face.  
“Believe me, as much as those words turn you on now, you wouldn’t like it later.”  
“I cannot help but notice that all that was still not a “No”. All I hear is “Not now”.” The Captain grinned, imitating Khan’s way of talking and his posh accent, and Khan couldn’t help himself, he grinned back.  
“If anyone on this ship is worthy of my attention it is probably you. But no, not now. Not yet.”  
“Well, then you better save yourself for your wife.”  
Khan, to his own surprise, sighed longingly. “I don’t have to save myself. Apart from that, she will do her fair bit of bruising on me herself.”  
Kirk smiled. He had regained his posture by now. “There is a startlingly soundproof, cosy room on E deck. Perhaps you should start there.”  
Khan laughed, heartily, for the first time in centuries. “Thank you for the tip, Captain.” He walked to the door and turned around before it opened for him. “You know, James, I might like you after all.”


	3. Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bones gets a lesson in what humans are capable of when they feel superior, Jim shows our Augment his place in this new world (which the latter is not exactly happy about), Khan remembers his past life and the end of his empire and has a personal talk with Spock.

Khan slept badly that night. The cabin was infinitely more comfortable than any of the quarters he had had since the war, which was, after all, almost 250 years back. He knew the Enterprise inside out, having based the Vengeance on it. He knew his quarters were among the best, were even on the captain's deck. His genes and upbringing told him he deserved nothing less, his conscience...well. He had killed many of them, and if he hadn't been so useful, a scientific wonder, they would probably have killed him a while ago. Or would they? Did they still kill people for certain crimes? The legal system had surely moved on. But some crimes deserved death, time could change nothing about that.  
Khan rolled over, yet again. He was dead tired. Normally, his Augment body would lie still and fall into the semi-conscious state that his brain allowed him. But it wouldn't. Knowing, for the first time in years, that his crew, his family was close, and his companion waking up just now...at this very moment...  
Khan closed his eyes and concentrated on his breathing and heart rate, slowed both down. His mind reached out. He still felt frozen emptiness where his people should be. The connection was not really telepathic, but he did feel the presence of other Augments and of those closest to him he even felt if they were happy or in pain or calm and relaxed, at least ever so faintly. In Neera’s case, as she was his consort, her mood could even affect his and he could feel clearly what she felt. Or at least, he should feel it. It had pained him from the day he had been woken, that the connection wasn't there - it wasn't dead, but almost worse, it was frozen. It was like part of his heart and brain were standing still. It was practically impossible to explain that connection to a normal human being, as they didn't seem to have it. More a presentiment than a real feeling, it could nevertheless console him to feel that there were people like him close and healthy, and the cold feeling in his heart had been a shock upon waking, so used to it had he been. Khan concentrated. It was kind of hard to feel, but it was there. A beating heart. Like a little spot of warmth on your otherwise cold body, a spot that was the fingertip of a fellow being. Nothing more. It would grow to a lot more, Khan knew. His mood would be changed, and he would feel her. Only like the warm imprint of a hand on cold skin, not quite the touch, just the body's memory that something had been there. A candle burning in a dark cathedral. Small, but undeniably there. At the moment, it was more like a glowing ember in said cathedral. But it WAS there. His companion. His wife. His queen.  
Khan smiled to himself when he thought about Nyota's reaction when he had said that the women of his people were not warriors. Such indignation, such silent outrage. Nyota was very much like Queen Neera. Both were strong and soft at the same time. And no matter the Augment upbringing, his queen WAS a fighter, if she had to be. She was a real sight with daggers, swords or bow and arrow, or even a spear. She had always made it look like she was dancing with the weapons, an elegant style, fit for a queen like her. His own style had often been a subject of ridicule from her side, something he had only ever allowed from her and her alone. When Khan fought, his style was still elegant, but also brutal, hard, dirty, fast and efficient. Spock had gotten a taste of that. Khan knew all the tricks, he knew elegant Asian fighting techniques, but if the situation required, a dirty kick in the stomach also did it. His queen had often watched him in training, sitting on the wall of her rose garden and looking across the lawn where he would practice motions or fight against his guards. He remembered how her nose had crinkled in disapproval when he trained with real people. Unleashed, he was a very dangerous weapon, and often, training ended with broken bones for his partners.  
Khan had trained his sons and daughter himself, and his queen had also disapproved of that, but Khan had been hard on this. They had to learn, and contrary to normal human guards, they would heal quickly. Of course it hadn't been enjoyable to break his children's bones every now and then. He remembered that their mother had been furious with him for weeks, how she had snarled and hissed at him like a wildcat when their eldest had to stay in bed with broken shoulder blades or when their daughter had whimpered at every touch when Khan had broken every single bone in her hands. Of course he had been sorry for them, Augments were very attached to their young, but it had been necessary. He had told his queen so, he had told himself so. Over and over. But the wrath in the eyes of Khan's queen was still vivid in his mind. She had punished him every time he hurt their children in training, broken his jaw and other bones to make him feel the same pain. He had let her, without resistance. Then she'd kiss him and leave and not talk to him for days.  
Strange, the things you remembered from a past life.  
What would she say when he told her that their last child was dead too? Pain and grief filled his heart at the thought. Augment mothers were like lionesses, they defended their young no matter what, and when they died, their heart would break. His queen's heart had been broken twice already. And now their daughter. Khan dreaded the moment he had to tell her.  
Khan flung his arm over his tired eyes, pressing them closed. "Oh _nitya_ , my eternal, such grief," he murmured. "Will we ever be the same again?" Even though he felt at least one spot thawing, in his heart it was still January.

He hadn't slept much when he returned to the medical bay, and he was in a distinctly bad mood. Even Augment genes could not prevent that after tossing and turning for hours.  
Khan would never have admitted it to the lesser mortals around him, but nightmares had become loyal companions by now, if he could sleep at all. When he woke with a start, he wasn't sure if he hadn't only dreamt getting Neera out of the capsule. Normally, he could rely on his brain, but these days it was almost impossible. Khan was deteriorating, and it scared him. He just had to make sure she was really there, waking up, so he got up, dressed, and went straight to Med Bay.  
Neera's heartbeat was stronger and her cheeks more rosy. Khan remembered vividly what it felt like, waking up from cryo. How dangerous the procedure was, even for an augmented body. It was a nasty feeling, pulling on your muscles, so that they felt like jelly and ached, the blood sluggish and mushy, brain functions coming online slowly.  
Before they had all been frozen for the first time, they had learned that an Augment could survive freezing and waking up in quick succession for two or three times. If they ever put Khan himself back into a cryotube, he might not survive waking again. He wouldn't let them. Either he'd go down fighting, for good this time, or he'd kill everyone who would try. The first time, Starfleet had woken him. Humans always wanted something from you if you were special. In his day, Khan would have sat on his throne and listened to people's problems and requests. Here, it wasn't so easy. It was a hateful feeling, but here he was one of many, even though he was better. A boy was sitting in the captain's chair here. If they wanted, they could seriously hurt him, even end him. It had been a shock to his system, waking under Marcus' 'care', a king, a leader, a ruler, and being told he was a slave now, he was insignificant, expendable, not more than a commoner, a lab rat. For someone who was used to being treated like a higher creature, the treatment he had received then, abuse and humiliation, had been scandalous. Oh, Khan had been fashioned to adapt to any circumstances quickly. But being treated like a mere mortal nobody...he had to admit it, but it had made a few cracks in his pride. His _raanee_ wouldn't be treated like that, he'd make sure of that! Control your anger. He was better than this. ‘And even if he for ever flies within the gorge, that gorge is in the mountains; so that even in his lowest swoop the mountain eagle is still higher than other birds upon the plain, even though they soar.’ He was BETTER.  
"News?" he snapped at the good doctor. Had the man slept at all?  
"Good morning to you too, commander. No, of course I don't have news, except for what you already saw. Her vitals look good. A few more hours and your ice queen will be hopping around like a fawn."  
Khan stared at the doctor and crossed his arms behind his back, straightening it and making himself look bigger than he already was. "Are you mocking me?" he growled.  
"No, I'm a scientist, not a court jester. I was trying to determine if Augments have at least a small sense of humour. Would you like to hear my conclusion, commander?" McCoy didn't seem impressed at all and continued to dash from one corner of the med bay to the other, checking data, rummaging for equipment, all but ignoring his powerful visitor.  
Khan was torn between grinding his sharp teeth and smiling at the doctor's bravery. He chose to keep his cold expression and test the waters a little more.  
"I don't appreciate mockery, not even such well-mannered insolence as yours. I have killed men for less."  
"When you were king." McCoy held up a vial of something and narrowed his eyes at it as if it had done him a personal injustice.  
"Indeed," Khan said in a clipped tone, his eyes following the doctor constantly.  
"Well, in our time it's not allowed to kill people because they annoy you, your Royal Touchiness. You might have noticed that when you were sentenced to another round of cryosleep."  
"Yet here I am, doctor, and still perfectly able to put my hands around your neck and give it a gentle twist, and all that your soul contains floats away like leaves when the Khamsin comes," Khan purred sweetly, trying not to smile at the ridiculous title McCoy had given him.  
McCoy shook his head. "Sorry if I'm not shaking with fear. I have to say, your threat was very poetic, I like it. Was poetry part of your training for world domination?"  
"You're quite infuriating, doctor. Outrageously bold. One might say cheeky. I guess that does not sit well with all of your friends. I imagine commander Spock and you are like cats, always biting and scratching at each other, fighting with such devotion that you have both come to love it for the sake of itself."  
"You can bet your genetically improved ass on that." McCoy said airily. "Would you mind sitting down over there so I can check something?"  
Khan cocked his head to the side and chuckled. He liked the doctor, he couldn't help it. Since when did he like people at all? Oh, right, the warmer part of his personality was currently waking up from cryo. It was affecting his mind and mood. He sat down on one of the biobeds as instructed.  
"My genetically improved ass is really nobody's business, doctor," Khan said silkily. "Although I have the impression that your captain would like to have it so."  
McCoy came over with an assortment of medical instruments and groaned at Khan's remark. "Please don't tell me...never mind."  
"Please don't tell you that your friend made advances towards me last night? Very well." This was fun. Since when...oh, of course.  
McCoy groaned again. "Okay okay, Augments have humour, so please shut your mouth now, I really, really don't want to hear what he did this time. That kid is out of his corn-fed mind if he's flirting with a genetically engineered homicidal predator."  
"You've known each other for quite a while?" Khan asked, serious this time. McCoy would never speak of his captain like this if he hadn't been his friend for a long, long time.  
The doctor nodded. "Yes, we joined the academy together. We met in the shuttle from Iowa."  
"Ah, I can just imagine. The young Kirk, eager, reckless, picking a fight with a medical officer at the first chance he gets, probably still drunk from the night before and warning that he might puke on you," Khan mused, watching the doctor ready one of the little medical gadgets.  
"Remove your shirt, please. Actually, my own first sentence was something along those lines of puking on him, and how shitty and dangerous space is."  
Khan pulled the black shirt over his head and folded it on his lap out of habit. He chuckled. "I'm sorry to tell you, doctor, but you agreed to spend great parts of your life in space when you joined Starfleet."  
"That's what Jim said. He loves space, not I." Smearing a clear gel on Khan's left shoulder, McCoy pressed a few points on his patient's skin in the process, probing, and then gripped the strange instrument.  
"What's not to like?" Khan mused, his thoughts drifting. "I think I'll never grow tired of looking out those windows. In my time, people didn't simply take a shuttle into space. There were only relatively few people who could. Cryosleep was used to send people to faraway places in space, to explore. Each mission took years and years of travel. You have the technology to go anywhere so fast. Warp speed is something fascinating, one of the things I studied most eagerly when I was revived. It is a shame that humanity is still not beyond such things as war, when you have so many wonders to explore out here. People in my age didn't dare to dream about the things you have found. Some even hesitated to believe that there was alien life. A few hundred years before I was created, religions still punished people for such thoughts, insisting that Earth was the only thing that existed. Saying it is flat and if you went too far, you'd fall off. Or teaching that the sky was held up there by an apple tree. Nations jealously ogled each other each time a new spacecraft was invented, and countries practically fought over who did what first, and they were so proud when they invented spacecrafts taking them as far as the Earth moon. A huge achievement."  
The doctor snorted. "Ancient humans were gold. Sometimes you ask yourself how they managed to tie their shoes." He let one of his tools glide over Khan's shoulder.  
"They didn't know any better. Their governments were corrupt and ignorant and science was not exactly the highest good. Humans need guidance from a superior leader to prosper." The phrase came naturally, since it was what Khan had heard from a young age.  
"A leader like you?"  
"Yes, doctor," Khan said in an oily tone. "Have you noticed, while listening to your history teacher eagerly, that there was only one period of time on Earth where there were no wars, no conflicts? You'll find that was my - our - time on the throne, and that of my brothers and sisters."  
"Gee, thanks for..." The doctor stopped mid-sentence. "Um, say, Khan...have you ever had a kind of operation on your shoulder here?" The doctor sounded baffled.  
"You scanned my body at least half a dozen times, doctor. Is there anything you have not picked up on yet?" Khan smirked.  
"I mean it. Your bone...it looks normal, yet it doesn't. Your tissues, your nerves, everything. It looks like a cut, yet it's healed perfectly, so that it's almost invisible."  
"Oh. Marcus had his scientists laser it off, same with the other arm, when I wasn't...behaving. I wouldn't stop hitting them when they came near me. So they took them off. I almost expected them to wait if they grow back, but eventually, they gave them back to me and measured how long it took for them to re-attach themselves. As with so many things, a punishment disguised as scientific research."  
"Christ..." McCoy swallowed hard.  
"You look rather a little green, doctor. Maybe you should sit down," Khan mocked in a dry tone.  
"They did that?" McCoy looked at his monitor behind the biobed again, where there was a live-feed of Khan's shoulder structure.  
“An Augment’s life for me,” Khan said, voice devoid of humour. He could see the faint lines of the tissues where they had tried to repair the damage before the limbs were back in their place. Khan remembered the process, it had hurt, and it had been an awful feeling altogether. He had never raised his fist against the men ever again, no matter how pride screamed that he had to retaliate and not let himself be intimidated. But even Khan had his limits. Seeing his arms be cut off, lying in a cooling unit like abandoned toys, his brain struggling to believe that two of four limbs were gone and all that was left was his torso...it had been nightmarish, and almost too much on even his warrior's psyche.  
"I'd like to kill those bastards."  
Khan looked up when McCoy said that. The medic was still staring at the screen, as if he couldn't believe what he saw.  
"Did they do more shit like that?"  
"You can do a lot like that over the many months I was held there. They measured how long it takes for which kind of wound to heal. Which diseases my blood could cure. They were especially fascinated by the whole growing-back thing. They wanted to chop off fingers to see if they'd grow back, but Marcus forbade them because, he said, I needed my fingers to work and if they wouldn't grow back his investment would be damaged. So they tried it with a toe."  
McCoy swallowed again, and he looked sick. Khan saw that he was curious nonetheless.  
"It did grow back," he said softly. "Took a week until I could walk again."  
"How...? Sorry. Forget it."  
"How do my limbs grow back?" Khan asked and stared at the doctor intently. McCoy was a scientist, but not like they had been.  
"Forget it. It's not a decent question to ask after what you've experienced."  
Khan smiled. "Thanks, doctor. I cannot actually tell you the exact details. When we grew up in the labs, we were not exactly shown our construction plans. The theory is that your brain and DNA contains information about how your body should look and function. The healing process of Augments harnesses that information, rather than making tissues grow wildly until the skin is whole again, no matter what it looks like, like it does with humans. That is why Augments don't scar, normally. Our tissues sort of know what it looked like before. The only exception being if limbs are cut off and re-attached, because the body begins to heal, but then it gets the limb back and recognizes it as its own and tries to connect. The tissue that grew back already is too much and it’s not re-absorbed. The microscopic scars of that...confusion, shall we say, can be seen on your monitor. My arms shifted around for quite some time until they had reached their old position. Ghastly feeling. It's possible that it won't ever heal perfectly. I thought Augments always healed perfectly, but maybe some damage is too much even for our powers. So my arms are a tiny bit longer than before, it took some getting used to. It will probably go back to normal eventually."  
The door opened with a hiss. "Morning Bones...oh...well, that's a sight." Kirk strode in and ogled Khan's muscular torso shamelessly.  
Khan grinned at the young human, almost against his will.  
"Behave, Jim," McCoy ground out.  
"When our super-commander is half naked?"  
"Yes!"  
"Never." Kirk winked at Khan. The Augment remembered last night. As much as he had struggled at first, hating Kirk was quite a hard task, even though being viewed as fresh meat was not usually one of Khan's favourite sensations since Marcus had gotten his vile hands all over him.  
"What are you actually doing apart from enjoying the view?" Kirk asked.  
"I wanted to see if the fracture Spock caused during that last fight has healed as neatly as everything else, given that Khan got frozen while it was still broken."  
"You show quite a lot of interest in my physique, doctor. Take care that the captain doesn't get jealous." It almost confused Khan that this banter was so amusing for him. Neera's sunshine personality was affecting him more than he remembered. Or maybe he had never been in such a depressive state before.  
"You're a rare specimen, commander. For studies, I mean," the doctor defended himself.  
"Agreed." Kirk grinned.  
"Jim! I'll throw you out if you keep harassing my patient! I mean it!"  
Khan laughed in his resounding, deep voice. "Kirk alone couldn't harass me, especially since he has no real leverage as long as he has that beautiful conscience of his. But thanks for your concern, doctor. Are we finished?"  
"We are." McCoy wiped the medical gel from Khan's shoulder with a tissue. Feeling the medic's fingers and his warmth did strange things to the super-human's stomach. He'd really been too alone for too long. "Thank you for your time. I'll inform you if there's anything new on your companion."  
Khan pulled the black shirt back over his head and nodded.  
"I've things to discuss with you, commander. Would you follow me?" Kirk said, a tad more official, but his eyes were still flitting towards Khan's now clothed chest.  
"Certainly, captain."  
Khan got up from the stretcher and walked out with the young man.  
"You'll need a different uniform, commander." Kirk grinned at him.  
"If this is another attempt at coyness, captain, I must say..."  
"Pfff what on Earth do you think of me? I meant due to your new position on board." Kirk acted like Khan had gravely insulted him for even assuming he was flirting.  
"Position. Security officer?" Khan asked, in a mocking tone.  
"Science officer. We'd like to keep you for a while."  
"Not a bad decision, captain, to have the man as your science officer who built the war-ship that almost destroyed your precious Enterprise."  
"Actually, we only thought the blue uniform matched your eyes better."  
Khan laughed. He noticed yet again that laughing and smiling was becoming increasingly easier, both due to his wife's warming heart and the lack of imminent danger.  
"Anyway, you'll be working down in engineering under Scotty."  
"Under? You mean I won't be chief engineer?" Khan stopped walking and smiling. Kirk stopped, too, and turned around.  
"We have a chief engineer."  
"Captain...I designed a ship, superior to yours, all alone, and within months. I designed every single piece of equipment, every weapon, every circuit, every code of programming that made the Vengeance so superior. And you want to me to work as a subordinate?"  
"Commander Scott will not be relieved from his position. He earned his place here."  
"Captain," Khan hissed now, "Working as anything less than head of a department is an insult to my intelligence! Need I remind you that I am not even a member of Starfleet? I don't have to..."  
"Exactly. You're not even a real commander. You're a criminal in rehabilitation. To give you a position on this ship is already more than you could have dreamed of." Kirk was in captain's mode now, Khan could see it.  
He bristled. "You want me to work under a lesser human being?"  
"There's no such thing, commander. Mr Scott is a genius." Kirk bristled now, too.  
Khan smirked haughtily. “Take mankind in mass, and for the most part, they seem a mob of unnecessary duplicates, both contemporary and hereditary,” Khan mocked.  
"You'll work with Mr Scott or it will be noted in your file that you are unwilling to cooperate and as a result will be put back into cryosleep,” Kirk spat. “I'd like to prevent that. Especially since after what you told us about Augment sociology, it would be considered too risky to wake your wife on her own and she'd be frozen again. I would regret to have to report back that you failed at your only chance at probation."  
Khan's blood was on fire. "So it's again, work for us or your family will be punished?" he hissed.  
Kirk shook his head. "No. Work for us or you will be punished, this time without mercy. We have no reason to ever wake your crew except your wanting it and it being the right thing to do. Still, YOU are their only patron. We'll give them back to you, step by step, to make sure every single one of them is alright. In return, we want your cooperation."  
"And I'm not allowed to protest."  
"Not about your position under a top officer. I wouldn't let anyone of my crew discuss that, I assure you, I am treating you just as I would everyone else. And I don't want to hear you speak of Mr Scott as a 'lesser human being', do you understand, commander?"  
Khan growled with barely controlled rage and drew himself up to his full height. The captain didn't budge. The Augment stepped into Kirk's comfort zone and brought his face down, only inches away from the slightly smaller human's.  
"If I might make a suggestion, _captain_. I can understand that I am being punished for what I did. If you want me to learn humility by working under a...someone who is nowhere near as intelligent as I am, fine. But if I ever, EVER again hear the merest hint that my family is being punished for my deeds, I will tear that person limb from limb as well as anyone else who threatens the meagre rest of my people. Do we have an agreement, captain?"  
Kirk still didn't budge. He was astonishingly good at controlling his fear. Khan could smell that the captain was afraid, but the blond man didn't show it, which was quite something, given the circumstances.  
The captain looked into Khan's eyes, blue on blue, and nodded. "We have an agreement, commander. Change your uniform and report to engineering immediately. You will find a communicator in your quarters."  
Khan relaxed his stance and watched Kirk resume his breathing. The former king valued bravery in the face of a predator and seeing it in Kirk made Khan trust the captain a little more. He knew the man would keep his promise, and his people safe for that matter. Even though it was hard for him to assume a role that was anything less than captain, he knew he could work under this man. He was an Augment, he could adapt to the circumstances, and the circumstances were that he was not king anymore. His decision was made.  
Khan stepped back. "Aye, captain."

After he had had a shower and a change of clothes, Khan went down to engineering to find Mr Scott. The quirky Scotsman intrigued Khan, no matter what he had told Kirk. Of course, his intelligence was little more than mediocre, but the super-human hoped they could work together. If he manipulated the man in a clever way, he'd do what Khan said and even think it had been his own idea.  
The day went on, more boring than Khan had hoped for. When his shift ended, he made a beeline for the Med Bay.

Neera's heartbeat was steady, but slowed down due to the sedative.  
"If I could make a suggestion, commander." McCoy had emerged from the other room and stood directly behind Khan. Khan nodded for him to proceed without looking up from Neera's face.  
"I wouldn't wake her up yet. If I cut off the sedative supply, she'll probably wake alright, but she will be in pain." The doctor pointed to one of the curves on the biobed's screen.  
Khan looked at it. Health technology was still a little beyond him, but if the doctor said that that curve meant pain, fine. There were some more curves, blinking lights, hundreds of informative scales. His blue eyes scanned the screen. "What is that?" he asked, and pointed to a diagram that was practically going through the roof at the moment.  
"That is her sleep cycle. She's in a REM cycle."  
"She's dreaming," Khan said, to nobody in particular, but McCoy nodded anyway.  
"Yes, she is."  
Khan wondered what she was dreaming about. You don't dream in cryo, but she wasn't in cryo anymore. Dreams usually dealt with information of the previous day. But Neera's previous day had been 300 years ago. It was a strange feeling, standing next to her in this futuristic environment, while she was probably dreaming about the day they had lost their home, their royal lives, their whole world. Was she seeing the burning palace before her? Was she running from the attackers, looking for him? Were their most loyal servants dying all over again in her mind? Gaurav had defended her with his life, Khan had seen it. Good Gaurav, the most masterful man with a sabre that Khan had ever known. Neera had had the time to escape because the man had flung himself into battle against too, oh too many.  
Khan closed his own eyes. There had been fire and smoke and blood everywhere. Screaming servants and courtiers. Horses neighing in sheer panic as the rebels struck them down, all of Khan's beautiful, powerful animals, massacred as if they could have decided upon who their master was. Khan could still hear the snarls of the various other creatures while they were mowed down like cattle, the big cats, lions, jaguars, panthers, tigers, that lived in one of the gardens, shot and burned, the pair of wolves they had gotten as a wedding present from a brother in the north, beheaded, and their new litter of pubs drowned. The servants, all more or less loyal, the slaves, who couldn't even help being there, whimpering and shouting and crying when the axe fell in the palace. The girls and boys in the harem, defiled, raped, their throats slit, their eyes cut out. Every life he had been master of that was now extinguished without cause, burned in his heart.  
A good king cares for those around him. Khan had cared. He had not always made the impression, as a leader had to be distant and above things and sometimes had to act for what law commanded, not his heart, but he had cared about all those lives. All the horrors Khan had seen the day he had lost his home, the day chaos had reigned again in the name of freedom, all that came back to him like a long forgotten dream.  
What had actually gotten to Khan in the end, the thing that had made him fall into a frenzy and headless rage and desperation, had been the sight of his daughter's cat Fuzzball (Khan involuntarily grimaced when he realized that he actually remembered that stupid name), lying on the ground, dead, bled dry, trampled. If they had gotten her cat, he had thought...but no, his priya was very much alive, sending rebels to the depths of hell with her daggers just a few dozen metres away, looking like an avenging goddess dancing with the victims of her wrath. Khan had sprung between them and made the men fall like saplings in a storm so quickly they never knew what had hit them. The three Augments had escaped, together with a few others. Neha had cried that night, clutched to her father's chest who was unable to let her go. They had started their 250 year long journey a few days later, together with the rest of the Augments. Khan remembered the fear in his daughter's eyes right before cryo, and how Neera had kissed her child like she had when she said goodnight to her, and told her she'd see her tomorrow. Khan had been the last to go into cryo, hoping that when he woke, things would be different.  
Khan felt a hand on his arm. His fist lashed out before he could control it, even before his eyes were really open or his head turned.  
Commander Spock caught the hard punch with some difficulty. Khan relaxed and pulled his hand back as soon as his brain dropped out of defence-mode.  
"My apologies, commander. I did not mean to startle you." Spock's voice was flat, and yet Khan could sense animosity.  
"Startle me," he scoffed, but pulled himself together. "My apologies to you too. Reflexes are hard to control when one is built to fight."  
"I understand. But you should strive to control them either way. Breaking the crew's bones would not look good in your probation file."  
Khan sucked in air through his teeth with a hissing sound. "I have no wish to die yet, Mr Spock, as I undoubtedly would, given the implants in my body."  
"The implants are a precaution for the sake of the crew. Do they cause you discomfort?"  
"Would a blade to your throat cause you discomfort if it was there twenty-four hours a day? It certainly takes some getting used to, to be in constant danger of death."  
"I assure you, the implants are not going to be activated unless you give us reason to."  
"Like punching a high-ranking officer? This precautionary measure is like threatening a tiger to shoot it because it bites."  
"Killing is in your nature, commander, is that what you are saying?"  
"What I am saying is that I cannot help who I am. I'm sure you know the feeling, commander. To react to things you shouldn't react to, because your nature takes over?"  
Spock ground his teeth almost imperceptibly. Khan decided to let it go.  
"You came to see me, I assume?"  
"I was talking to you and you did not respond. I tried to attract your attention by physical contact as one would normally do. I underestimated your...natural reflexes."  
"And why did you come to see me? My shift is over. As far as I am aware, officers are free to spend their time after shifts as they wish." Khan was not nervous. He wasn't!  
"I did not come to see you. I came to monitor your consort's progress. Doctor McCoy noticed stress signals that could indicate physical pain. As I am responsible for the planning of the awakening of the rest of your people, I wanted to take a look myself." Spock looked down at the sleeping woman, his face an emotionless mask.  
"Well, commander, as you have done so, maybe you'd want to spend your free time with your own consort now," Khan said coolly.  
Spock's face showed a millisecond of anger, then it was smooth again. "I would advise you to take care of your own matters, commander. Lieutenant Uhura's free time – or mine – is of no concern to you."  
"No?" Khan knew it was unwise to provoke the Vulcan, but the creature HAD broken his shoulder and arm during their fight and no, it had NOT healed as it should, and was still hurting every now and then since he had been woken yet again three days ago. The healing process had only started until after he had been revived, so his first two days had been filled with not only the constant pain of thawing limbs but also a few bones in the process of repairing themselves. Augment genes were fast, but his body had had so much to do in the past few days that Khan felt almost exhausted. The lack of sleep did not help. The only thing he could do was to eat as much as he could to balance out the lack of strength even a little bit. His nerves were worn down. And the opportunity to tease the Vulcan with his jealousy was too good not to take.  
"Maybe I will make it my business what Nyota does in her free time. She's a marvellous woman, kind, compassionate, understanding and interested, unlike others of your crew, to learn more about me. Except maybe your captain, but I think his interests are entirely different from Nyota's. Tell me, commander, do Vulcans experience jealousy? That niggling worry that the one you trust has no secrets from you, suddenly has secrets? The worry that one might be abandoned for someone...better?" Khan gave the last word the exact intonation he had used when he had spoken to Kirk and Spock from his cell in the brig so many months ago. "In the time I have spent in your world I have had little time to learn about alien species. Do Vulcans experience feelings like humans do? Anger? Worry? Hate? Love? Despair?" Khan knew he was pushing the man. Also, referring to him as an alien was dangerous, and completely unnecessary. Khan's look on racism was...changeable. To hate a race just for the sake of it was stupid. A man can be honest in any sort of skin. Any race less advanced than Augments were lesser creatures to Khan, even though one could get very attached to one's pets, even if they did not have the same intellectual level. Vulcans were advanced. More so than humans in some ways. But to condemn emotions even though they were part of them was...pretentious at best. Spock wore a mask because he thought that was what it meant to be Vulcan. Khan despised masks worn for the sake of wearing them.  
"Vulcans can choose not to feel. Perhaps some species should attempt to learn how to govern their emotions as well. Wrath is, after all, an emotion so destructive it is perhaps the most dangerous of all. Vulcans wish for every life form to live long and prosper. Governing your emotions is a vital part of that. Species that give way to their wrath and hunger for power tend to be a lot less enlightened than those who act with care. Even if they think themselves the height of creation."  
Khan did not let Spock's words influence him. The Augment cocked his head and smiled at the Vulcan, this time genuinely. "It is good to see that you do not let social conventions govern you any more than you do emotions." He only meant it half-mockingly. "But the question remains why you are not with your consort. I trust you are not one of the males who tell other men to 'stay away from their girl' as they said in my time? Or will you tell me now that I am not to speak with her? Will you tell her that she is not to strike up any kind of relationship with me, not even the slightest hint of friendship?"  
"I would never do such things. Lieutenant Uhura is an independent woman. I do not control her social life."  
"That is good to hear."  
"I will, however, commander, ask you to treat her and the relationship we have with respect. Promiscuity is not common in our society, neither human, nor Vulcan. I accept that you grew up and lived in a time or society that regarded physical exclusivity as backwards or undesirable. However, this is not the case in the relationship I have with Nyota. I ask you to respect that and remember it when you converse with her."  
Khan smiled cheekily. "So you are in fact asking me to be careful what I say, because she's yours."  
"Commander," the Vulcan said in a warning tone, but Khan held up one long-fingered hand.  
"Commander Spock, contrary to what you seem to think, I am capable of respect and manners. Of course I will not try to charm your wife. I am also capable of love, and a certain degree of faithfulness. Do you honestly believe I killed dozens of people, endured countless tortures and experienced so much grief to get my wife back, among others of course, and disrespect her and other people while she’s already waking? I do have some self-restraint and respect, Mr Spock.“  
The half-human nodded. "Do exercise it, not only in this case, but also the entirety of your stay on board this ship and while in the company of other people."  
"I know, I know, otherwise you'll have my head on a plate." Khan sighed.  
"Certainly not, commander, why would anyone do such a thing?" Spock asked, and Khan experienced a sudden longing to laugh out loud. He restrained himself to grinning.  
"A human saying, Mr Spock. Maybe you should learn about those from your wife. Do spend as much time with her as you can. She deserves to be happy, and being with you seems to make her happy. For whatever reason," he added, for good measure. He shouldn't be too nice.  
The Vulcan nodded once as a greeting. "Have a pleasant evening, commander."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "And even if he for ever flies within the gorge..." and "Take mankind in mass..." and "A man can be honest in any sort of skin" are quotes from Herman Melville's Moby Dick. Yes, there will be a lot of this.


	4. A good fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Khan can't sleep, so he tries to tire himself out a bit. Jim helps. Khan likes a bit of power-play. Smut ensues.  
> Also, rape/ non-con story in this chapter!

With nothing to do and sleep evading him, Khan wandered around the ship a little. He knew, of course, every section and every room. After an hour of wandering, he decided he could as well do something useful, and went to the training units.  
Khan had little use for muscle and stamina training. But he liked combat training units. So he programmed the computer to give him a selection of combat weapons. He made a mental note to try out a Klingon Bat’leth, as it looked like it would be a beautiful weapon, but for the time being chose a double sword, a shaft with one long blade on each end that could also be parted into two separate swords, and told the computer to increase the amount of attackers every time one was eliminated. Except in war, he had never been able to use the full potential of his powers, and he was curious to see how much he could still achieve. The thought that he could go into a rage here, without hurting anyone and without having to hold back, was thrilling. In his old life, he had spent hours of his day on training, simply because he felt then and only then that he was doing what he had been made for. Khan assumed his basic position and started the program.  
It really was thrilling. The first adversary was dead in a second, the two following equally so, but much to Khan's delight, the program learned, and the three next assailants were not so easy to get rid of. Concentrating solely on movements, Khan lost himself in this game. Before long, he was engaged in a fierce fight with nine holograms at a time who seemed to know his every move, so he had to change his strategy constantly. The fight was exciting, and Khan felt adrenaline coursing through his veins. He was still holding back a little at level nine, but when he reached level 14 he couldn't have remembered his own name. His movements were so fast even he could barely see when his weapons struck. Having parted the spear into separate swords, he rolled and lashed and twirled the fabulous weapons in his hands, without thinking, only acting, so fast everything was a blur. The holograms had various types of weapons and used them superbly, of course. Winning a fight against a computer was impossible, but Khan felt elated that he could hold his own.  
At level 16, he felt that he was nearing the end. Which in his case meant he flew into the rage of a dying tiger. Doggedly, he hacked away at his adversaries, unable to stop, unable to control his instinct to fight, to win at any cost. The blade of an attacker caught him in his unprotected back, and Khan howled like a wounded beast, even though he knew his skin wasn't broken. His warrior's mind did not allow him to distinguish between real combat and training, his survival instincts were too stressed. Sweat was covering his body, which was quite a feat, as normally, not many things could stress him enough to be really exhausting. The feeling of his strength draining slowly was...unfamiliar. And worrying. And far too soon, he realised, probably due to his unhealed shoulder, the lack of sleep and the emotional stress level. After he had had to take many more hits, he could hardly go on. His brain came back online and he stopped the program, kneeling on one leg, leaning on the other knee, his hands left and right of him, clenching around the swords. It was an irritating sensation, the trembling in his arms and legs, his rapid breathing and aching body. The holograms had paused as if frozen in time, standing around him, faceless, weapons drawn. Khan shuddered at the sight, as his instinct warred with his brain, one telling him to fight, one telling him it was not real. He hung his head for a moment to catch his breath.  
"Wow."  
Khan was on his feet in a millisecond, swords up in front of his face and neck, pointing in the same direction, ready to strike, one foot forward. He was barely holding back, snarling through his teeth. Kirk was leaning on the doorframe, obviously deeply impressed by however much he had seen. Khan let his weapons sink.  
"You people. What is it with you? Every single one of you seems to think it fun to surprise me when I'm not paying attention for a moment. Tell me, do you all want to die so badly? To surprise me when my adrenaline level is going through the roof!" His breath was still coming in gasps, which was angering him.  
"Oh don't exaggerate. You couldn't have stabbed me from over there."  
"I would have been over there before you could blink."  
"I'd tell you again not to exaggerate, but after that show you just gave, I believe you. That was really stunning, Khan! It was one thing to see you fight those Klingons for two minutes, but seeing you lose your shit with intelligent combat training holograms for over thirty minutes was fucking spectacular! I think you might have broken some record."  
Khan put the weapons back to where he had gotten them from and combed his fingers through his hair to put his fringe back into place.  
"There were around thirty Klingons on Qo’noS. These here were sixteen in the end."  
"Which means you eliminated 120 computer-generated foes before you stopped at sixteen enemies who knew all your techniques and were better than any enemy could ever be. That IS impressive. And a new record."  
"Oh? What's the record until I came along?" Khan rolled his eyes. He hadn't meant the question, but Kirk asked anyway.  
"Computer? What is the record for this training program?"  
The computer made a whistling sound and answered in a flat voice: "The record is manual termination at level 16, established by crewmember Khan Noonien Singh, today. The last comparable record for this combat training program is defeat at level 6, established by Lieutenant Hikaru Zulu, star date..."  
"Thank you, computer," Kirk interrupted and grinned at Khan. "You really are better at everything."  
"Naturally," Khan said, rather smugly, and couldn't suppress a grin.  
Kirk cocked his head, still smiling. "Maybe I should make you chief of security after all. But I have the feeling you would be rather bored these days. By the way, there are training uniforms available. Not that I mind seeing you all sweaty in your normal uniform, but it's rather distracting, actually."  
Khan looked down at his shirt. There were big dark spots on the blue and black fabric of the science officers' uniform he was still wearing, mainly under his arms and in the middle of his chest. He was sure that his back did not look any better. Only now, he actually noticed how uncomfortably it clung to his body.  
"I trust you will forgive my...indecent appearance, captain," he chuckled.  
"Oh well, I might have to have a very stern, very private word with you about personal hygiene or something." Kirk's grin was contagious.  
"Oh captain," Khan purred and stepped closer and waited for the inevitable reaction, unable or unwilling to hold back.  
The reaction he had anticipated came with satisfactory intensity. Kirk gasped and his whole body jerked forward, as if to cling to the Augment.  
"I assure you," Khan continued, relishing to see the man so overwhelmed by the pheromones his sweat carried into the air Kirk was breathing, "I assure you there is no need to talk about that. You may notice that body odour is something my creators got rid of when they made me. Instead, Augment sweat carries chemicals that act as a stimulant to the normal human brain. Human sweat carries those pheromones too, but it's enhanced in my DNA. I can't tell, is it obvious?" he asked innocently.  
Kirk let out a shaky laugh. "I can barely keep myself from jumping your bones, you comic. It couldn't be worse if you were stark naked and rubbing your body on mine."  
"And it loosens the tongue, obviously," Khan noted triumphantly, ignoring the goosebumps that began to cover his body at Kirk’s words, and stepped even closer, even though his brain was telling him he really shouldn't.  
"I feel like a rabbit sitting in front of a snake, being watched like that."  
"Good science is good observation, captain," the Augment purred.  
"So your interest is purely scientific?" Kirk scoffed.  
"Of course, what did you think?" Khan's voice was a low growl by now, a growl that obviously made Kirk shudder.  
The young man swallowed hard. The motion did strange things to Khan's groin, as much as he wanted to deny it. He was not an animal, he would not succumb to that urge, to claim, to take, to violate the smaller body! His wife was sleeping only a few dozen metres away. Bedding the captain would be a disputable thing to do even without her. Somehow, it seemed important that he held on a little longer. Plus, it was entirely possible that he'd hurt Kirk severely. The man would have bruises at the very least. Of course, Khan still had a certain degree of self restraint, but he was not absolutely certain that he'd manage to be soft and careful with James.  
For Augments, sex was like eating and breathing, it was a vital part of existence, and he had been denied for an unusual length of time. Since Marcus had woken him, he had not had any partners, at least not voluntarily, and then, of course, his own comfort and lust had been of no importance whatsoever, had practically been nonexistent. Rape was something Khan had never indulged in, and anyone guilty of this crime had been severely punished under his law. So when it happened to himself, he had been furious and craving vengeance. Not even his long abstinence and raging instincts had been able to make his violation in any way pleasurable. So it didn't count.  
But in the presence of this cheeky young bastard he was currently calling captain, his resolve almost faltered. He was oh so enticing. Khan felt like a beast salivating over a piece of meat that he was forbidden to eat, and all that was holding him back was his love for his Rani and the fact that he might just kill the boy in the process. Flirting with the edge was breathtaking, however.  
Khan noticed that he had raised his arms and pinned the captain to the wall between them, left and right of his blond head. His body was all but pressed to James, who was squirming against him. Khan felt the man's arousal against his thigh like he already had the night before. Oh, by all the gods, he had to stop! Khan growled with the effort to do so, but he was on edge, and Kirk wasn't helping. The man had brought his lips close to Khan's, but wasn't touching. He probably remembered that the first time had ended with Khan's fingers around his neck.  
"I'm not afraid, Khan. I'm not afraid of what you'll do to me."  
"By Kali, you should be afraid, man! If I so much as pulled your hair a little too passionately, that would be the end of you!"  
"Then try not to kill me, maybe?"  
"I am! Do you have any idea what it takes..." Khan let out a pained groan as Kirk let his hips jerk forward. Khan's mind was becoming hazy with lust...  
"Oh Jesus..." Kirk whispered when he felt the Augment harden against his hip. "The longer you try to resist, the worse it will be," he breathed against Khan's lips. "I need you, fuck, I want you so bad!"  
"You'll want your doctor friend by the time I'd be done with you!" Khan shouted and focused his strength on lowering his arms and stepping away from the captain. He breathed deeply and tried to regain his self-control. Too long, it had been too long! He should probably have taken care of himself every now and then, but there had been neither time nor any enticing thoughts as material. Khan looked at the captain’s face. By Kali and Hel, he’d have material now!  
Kirk was panting, but he was obviously not prepared to let it go yet. "You always talk about hurting me in the process. But..."  
"Enough, captain,” Khan said with a firm voice. “You should keep your mouth shut. I know you like danger. But I have no intention whatsoever to kill you, not anymore."  
"Not anymore? Gee, thanks."  
"I could have. Many times. When you made Mr Scott stun me on the bridge of the Vengeance. I'm sure you remember I threw you down and knocked you out."  
"Yeah, that hurt," Kirk pouted. At least, the topic served to cool both of them down.  
"It was supposed to. You betrayed me. You stabbed me in the back, figuratively." Of course, if they hadn't, Khan would have done it first. Still, he didn't like being betrayed.  
Kirk rubbed his jaw as if it still hurt. "Yeah, I remember that made you very grouchy. But you didn't kill me."  
"I tried to pulverize your ship," Khan reminded him in a polite tone.  
"You failed."  
"Your Vulcan tricked me."  
"He did."  
Suddenly, they smiled at each other, even if it was just for a second. Then Kirk grew serious again.  
"We would both have done the same for our own crew, and that still scares the shit out of me, to be like you in that respect. When Marcus was threatening my ship, I was more afraid than I ever was of you." Kirk chewed on his lip.  
Khan remembered. The broadcast had made sure that he heard every word in Med Bay. He had heard Kirk's desperation, his begging, the attempts to save the ship and his crew, how he had offered his own life for that of his friends. Khan also remembered distinctly that at no moment, however desperate, had Kirk offered to deliver Khan into Marcus’ hands and be done with it. The Augment would be forever thankful for that. He remembered how he had sat in Med Bay, listening to the conversation, and how he had experienced a sudden moment of dread as Marcus told Kirk that he wanted the Augment back. He had actually held his breath as he waited for Kirk’s answer. So Khan could relate perfectly to the dark memories that haunted the captain at this very moment. He stepped close to Kirk again and put both hands on the man's shoulders in a comforting gesture.  
"When Marcus threatened my people, I gave in immediately, at least when it was about being his lab-rat and engineer. I designed the Vengeance for him, and that didn't even take a lot of convincing. But the worst was when he was threatening me out of spite. The first time he came to me at night...you have no idea, James, how twisted that man really was. I assure you, you are not the only one who begged Marcus to take him instead of killing your friends." Khan looked squarely into Kirk's eyes, even though it was hard for him to admit his humiliation. Kirk looked right back at him, obviously shocked by the revelation.  
"What happened?" he whispered. Then, a little louder: "You don't have to say. But if you want to, I'll listen."  
Khan shook his head, already lost in thought. "I'm only telling you this because I know you feel ashamed about your begging, I can see it. It haunts you, the humiliation, and the fear of those moments. I've been there, James, I have lived through the same fear." He paused. "When Marcus came to me the first time, I was sleeping for once. At those times they had taken to cuffing me to the wall, so I had to sleep on my stomach, with my arms raised above my head. I don't know if it was planned or if he just took advantage. But he came and touched me, and I started kicking out and struggling. But he told me if I didn't do exactly what he wanted, he'd go, this very moment, and switch off a cryotube, come back, and we'd go through it all over again. He tried to touch me once more and I kicked him, more out of reflex. So he turned as if to leave, and I panicked, and begged him to stay. He...he crawled onto the bed behind me and touched me. Then he told me I should beg again for him to stay with me, told me the alternative was the cryotubes, told me if I kept him distracted my crew was safe. Told me to beg for...him. To take me. Believe me, James, you had the far better position. At least you could have faced your enemy." Khan took a deep breath. "I did. I begged. You have no idea what it feels like to beg a man, who could kill everyone you love, to rape you. After that, I had relative peace for some time. But then he came again, and again. I had the impression it got filthier and more humiliating and more brutal every time. Being an Augment saves you from most the physical damage. But even our mind can snap under such circumstances. Sometimes I felt so weak, what with the additional torture and lack of sleep and food. I thought I wouldn't be able to take it anymore. But when I thought of my family, I found that I could. And that desperate feeling made me stronger than I thought I was. And I've never been one to think lowly of myself. That is what makes us supreme leaders, you and me. To forget your pride and beg, if you have to, to save your loved ones, your crew, your people. You did exactly that. What you did honours you. A captain cannot cheat death, and not everyone would have reacted in such a respectable manner as you did."  
Kirk stared at the Augment, with very sad eyes. "That bastard. I'm so sorry."  
"Don't be. I'm over it. More than that, this here, being here, the prospect of having my family back, maybe even having friends, makes me whole. I'm better than I have been in a long time."  
The Augment moved his right hand to Kirk's cheek. He had meant it as a reassuring, fatherly gesture, but Kirk moved forward and cocked his head ever so slightly. Khan knew what Kirk was doing, but this time, he felt calm about it, and he let him.  
Kirk's lips felt warm and soft against his own, and Khan couldn't hold back a sigh. The last kiss he had shared with anybody...it had been so many years. He had almost forgotten how it felt, to be kissed gently. The fire that had burned between them so dangerously had calmed down. Now, it was a safe simmer. Khan's heartbeat quickened, but he was in control. There was a bittersweet silence between them as they went on and on, gently, softly.  
Khan backed James against the wall and pressed his body against him. The young man moaned.  
"I beg you. Honestly, Khan, I _beg_ you. This time, for the sake of my sanity."  
Khan chuckled. "So eager, boy? Used to getting what you want right when you want it?"  
"Hey, I'm not a boy!" Kirk protested playfully.  
"I have, what, fifty years on you? Or three hundred and fifty, if you want."  
"Oh...forgot. You're an old ma...ouch!"  
Khan had slammed his body into Kirk's to teach him a little lesson. He grinned. "Be nice, boy, or I'll let go and leave you here."  
"Oh I don't think so." Kirk wriggled his hand in between their bodies and grasped Khan's hard manhood. The Augment hissed and ground into the human violently, unable to stop himself for a second.  
"Insolent little human!"  
"Forget your airy insults, and fuck me already!"  
Khan laughed darkly. "I don't think you'd like that much, James. But I can help you out of your agony at the very least." He fumbled with the clasp of Kirk's trousers.  
"Oh god, yes!" Kirk groaned when it came undone. The Augment clasped his strong, long fingers around the other man and gave an experimental squeeze. The captain bucked into his hand, rock-hard.  
"Khan, fuck!"  
The older man chuckled and freed his own cock with the other hand.  
"Holy shit!" Kirk swore when he saw it, and repeated it when the Augment started to rub his own manhood against the younger man's. It felt glorious! Khan's breath hitched.  
Kirk was panting. When Khan grabbed their cocks in one hand and started stroking them rhythmically, the blond man leaned into him and rested his forehead in the crease of the Augment's neck, littering the white skin with kisses and small bites.  
"James," Khan breathed, and pressed harder against the slightly smaller man, as hard as he could without interfering with his hand's stroking motion. "I could show you such pleasures! I could wake such longing in your heart! You think this could not be better, but I could give you so much more. When you're not drunk on chemical reactions," he added, grinning and turning his head ever so slightly so that his chin rested on his captain's head.  
Jim whimpered. "Khan! Can't you...I really want...please t...oh!" he cried when Khan gave a vicious twist and swiped his fingers over a particularly sensitive spot. "Oh god! What are y...ah! Stop that!"  
Khan slowed his hand's movement. "Stop? Really, James?" he smiled.  
"No of course not! I just...it's...so much...god!" he cried again as Khan teased him further.  
"That's your reaction to what you smell on me, James. It's made to be enticing," Khan explained. "It makes all your body's reactions twice as good, twice as pleasurable."  
"And it makes...ugh! It makes me want...things..."  
Khan chuckled. "It makes you want ME, in any way your brain could ever imagine wanting a man. Some cravings might come as a surprise..."  
"Not really...although their sheer intensity is...oh...god, Khan, can't you just take me, god, please!" Jim keened, obviously slowly falling apart.  
Khan shook his head. "No James, I know you want it now, but this is not the time and place for these things. I'll only give you release now. But I promise I'll give you real pleasure when the time is right." Khan ground into the moaning human leaning against him. He could feel something melting inside him, the last traces of disdain and dislike, and they were replaced by something...warmer.  
"I'll make love to you the way you've never experienced before. In any way you want and need, and as long and hard as you need. I'll wind you tight and take you apart. You'll be too exhausted and too sore to walk for days on end, and you'll be so happy about it," Khan whispered silkily to the shaking man.  
Jim let out a whimper and continued to thrust into Khan's moving hand as if he could not get enough of the sensation. "Khan," he moaned, drawing the name out in that delicious way that Khan had always secretly loved, gripping the other man's shoulders. "Please...will you...at least let me..."  
"Let you? What?" the Augment teased, never letting the tension he was creating with his hand go.  
"Let me taste you...please?" Jim pleaded.  
To be very honest, Khan was a little surprised, but more than willing to give the man what he desired.  
"Since you asked so nicely, James, I shall grant you that honour." He grinned. "But you'll come for me first. Come now, James, I know you're desperate to, come for me, pet!" Khan dipped his head down and kissed Kirk brutally, biting his lips more than caressing them. The younger man moaned, cried into his mouth, and came into the protective hollow of Khan's hand, violently thrashing in the man's arms, who held him tightly and effortlessly. The Augment gave Jim a second to breathe and regain his strength a little. When the blond opened his eyes again to look at Khan, the dark haired man lifted his hand and lasciviously licked at the mess Jim had made, all the while fixing him with his eyes. Jim moaned at the sight, and wordlessly sank to his knees. Khan smiled warmly and put his clean hand to the back of Jim's head, not shoving, merely guiding him a little possessively.  
"Come on, pet, come get your reward," he said very softly, as if luring a shy animal towards a tasty treat. Grasping the other man's hips, Jim leaned in and took Khan into his mouth, sucking greedily. "Oh!" Khan moaned and let his head sink back in bliss for a moment. "That's it, pet. Exactly…use your tongue, yes, just like that..." Fisting his hands into Jim's hair, the Augment moved his hips carefully, all the while cooing to his lover in his sweetest tones. Little bastard had still gotten to him after all, no matter how much he had wanted to resist. James was an enticing creature. Pliable and sly at the same time. Oh, Khan knew these types of people. James was not unlike him, in fact, Khan knew he was what could have become of James if the man had given his dark side a few more chances.  
Khan felt his climax coming on fast, and untangled his fingers from Jim's hair to keep himself from accidentally snapping Kirk’s neck. "James, yes, yes, I'm close, keep..."  
Utter bliss filled his mind and the former king threw his head back at the glorious feeling and howled. It sounded like a battle cry.  
He had given Jim the chance to pull away, but Jim hadn’t, and he felt the younger man swallowing around him, swallowing down what Khan had just given him. He smirked and looked down at his lover who was now wiping his mouth with thumb and index finger.  
“You’re so indulgent, _captain_.”  
Kirk grimaced and got up on shaky legs, stowed his most private part away and closed his trousers.  
“I trust this stays between you and me, _commander_?”  
Khan laughed quietly. “James, you wanted this.”  
“Yes but I’m technically not allowed to…” Kirk hesitated, but Khan finished the sentence for him.  
“Technically not allowed to fuck members of your crew?”  
“Yeah.”  
“You didn’t, though. Technically, I rather fucked you.”  
“Language, commander,” Kirk said, pointing a finger at Khan, who laughed again.  
“Don’t worry, captain. Going around telling stories about my sex life was never something I did.”  
“You had a harem. What better way to announce that you have tons of sex?”  
Khan put himself right and smoothed his shirt and trousers, “That I did. But there is a difference, captain, between people knowing you have sex, and knowing details about it. I won’t let on about either, you have my word. I have no intention to shock your entire crew. I would appreciate you do the same and keep it secret.”  
“Because of your wife?”  
Khan bit his lips for a second but relaxed the next. “No, Kirk. I will tell her in due time if she wants to know, and if she doesn’t, it will be none of her business. There will never be anyone who can rival her in my eyes. I just don’t think it will help improve your crew’s opinion of me.”  
"She won't be...you know...jealous?" Kirk sat on the floor next to the door and Khan joined him for a moment.  
"I told you before, James. Time and time again. 'Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove: o no; it is an ever-fixed mark, that looks on tempests, and is never shaken.'"  
"Err...what?"  
"Shakespeare, captain! Do tell me you've heard the name!" After all the abominations he'd witnessed in this century, this, ironically, almost shook Khan the most. If people didn’t catch him quoting Melville, fine, but Shakespeare!  
"Of course I know who Shakespeare was," Kirk grumbled. "But I don't know every single poem..."  
"Sonnet," Khan corrected, almost automatically.  
"Sonnet, whatever. I've read some of it at school, but I wouldn't know all of it."  
Khan rolled his eyes. "Love poems are not your style, I presume."  
"You presume correctly. It probably is yours, huh?" Kirk asked, a tad grouchy.  
The darker man nodded earnestly. "Love poetry is one of the most important things in literature. Literature itself enriches our lives like almost nothing else. And poetry is one of the joys of life. I would tell you to try and recite a love poem to your sweetheart, but I have the feeling that you'd have no use for such a tip."  
Kirk shook his head and smiled. "I've never been that close to a woman that it would have been...appropriate to recite poetry."  
"I imagine 'take off your clothes' is about the only thing you say." Khan smirked.  
"You're one to talk!"  
"I've done my fair share of seduction and wooing, and I am certainly more chivalrous about it than you. That being said...you certainly can be...enticing."  
Kirk snorted, but didn't reply.  
Khan let his gaze wander, although there was nothing to see here. "Have you ever loved, James?"  
Kirk was silent for a moment, then he shook his head. "Not in the sense of having a partner for life or something. Not in the sense that you seem to mean, what with your other half and all that. My heart belongs to my crew and my ship, so to speak."  
"Yes, I know that," Khan said quietly. "We are very alike in that respect, I think. But that one love that binds you to someone for all eternity...anchored in your heart, no matter what..." The Augment stopped and got up quickly. He should really stop talking about such matters with the captain. "Forgive me. Maybe not the best topic after such a tryst. Have a good night, captain." Khan got up, bowed mockingly to Kirk, who just looked at him with wide eyes, and then he left without another word.


	5. Mingle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Khan muses some more about his past and then has a long and very very important talk with Bones.

When he woke up the next morning, Khan had to admit that he had slept a lot better than the previous nights. Physical exercise, of any kind, was, after all, always a good cure for insomnia.

Khan let himself revel in the memories of the previous day a little more, both in those of the excellent training unit with the holograms - he would absolutely do that again - and those he now shared with the captain - he would absolutely do him again, as well.

He thought about Neera. After she had gotten used to the future and the ship and the people, after they had re-established their relationship, and after mourning her daughter...who would she pick? It was inevitable that at some point, she would be confronted with at least one male she liked. Who would it be? If Khan could be certain of anything, then that it wouldn't be Kirk. He was too boyish, too quirky. Neera preferred older men, a man's man as she called it. Khan's small female side, Neera's side, told him that her victim would probably be Dr McCoy. Khan smiled to himself. Poor bastard wouldn't stand a chance. He knew Neera, when she wanted someone she had an irresistible aura. Not so different from Khan's own. He had told Kirk no, many times, but inwardly, he wanted the boy. And Kirk, consciously or not, had responded to that. In the state Khan had been in yesterday after the training, it had practically been inevitable. Augment magnetism was very hard to resist at the best of times. They were made to be attractive, to be able to manipulate by any means - even seduction. They were beautiful spiders in glittering webs, snakes with emerald scales and diamond eyes. And the obsession with an Augment tended to grow after the first threads of a bond had been formed. After a few nights with Khan, Kirk would be very much compromised. Not that the Augment would be able to fully control him or give him orders. But if in a few months, after he would have mounted the boy over and over again, Khan would walk onto the bridge and tell Kirk to get to his knees and turn around, Kirk would have a hard time to remain on his feet.

Khan smiled to himself in the darkness. Wouldn't that be a sight. Kirk was easily influenced by sex even without enhanced genes. The man was passionate and lusty by nature. Even though Khan yearned to take his wife to bed again, he also couldn't deny that he wanted the young captain. Properly this time, not pressed to a wall where everyone could find them at any given minute.

Khan chuckled and sat up in bed, ready to start the day. Wouldn't that have been something, Spock or McCoy or Nyota or the little Russian walking in on them. The scandal it would have caused, the awkwardness! At least for James. Khan would never be ashamed of his nature. And taking what he wanted, when he wanted, and where he wanted, was part of his nature.

Khan swung his feet out of bed and padded into the shower. He'd never get used to sonic showers, he hated them , they felt grotesque with his heightened senses. It was like putting a cat into a bat cave; humans would never notice, but with a fine hearing, such sounds could be torture. Sonic showers weren't torture, but the buzzing throughout his whole body and in his sensitive ears was irritating. Khan missed the clear lakes and waterfalls that had been part of his domain.

In the hot summers they had sometimes taken whole weeks off, taken servants and horses and tents with them, and had ridden out to some oasis to stay there and just enjoy what mother nature had given them. The children had enjoyed those holidays very much, as well as the servants, who had practically enjoyed family status during that time. Everything had been that much more relaxed and they had all slept together in tents among palm trees. Khan had needed to leave every now and then to see if his empire was still in order, but in most of the years, the whole land seemed to take a summer break together with its Royal Family, and important things to be done could wait. Swimming in those ponds, playing with his children, making love to his wife by the fire while the children were asleep or distracted by the servants, Khan had felt truly alive and almost like a normal, happy human man, father and husband. That had also been why they were always so close to the servants then; what divided them when they were playing under the summer sun? During their holidays, they could just be a normal family. He could still hear his children squealing with delight when he would make flood waves in the pond with his strong arms, could still hear his beautiful wife's moans as he pressed her against a palm tree in her soaked linen dress that she always wore for swimming, stealing a few moments of passion in the hot afternoon sun, could still hear the tales and gossip that the servant girls told each other and Neera, as if she were one of them, and he would just lean back in the shade and smile about women in general and how lovely it was to have them in his life, after all, no matter how aggravating their whispering in the corridors could be at other times or how unnerving their bickering over whose lapdog had chewed on whose invaluable favourite shoe.

All gone. All dead.

Even if they had not been killed during the raid of the palace, they would all be dead by now. Khan had had no chance to travel to India and see the place where his old palace had been, his gardens, his menagerie, the servant's quarters and soldier's barracks. What had become of the place? Other things had always been more important since Marcus had woken him, and the rage and despair for his family's welfare had been stronger than that curiosity. Khan made a mental note to look it up later.

Khan stepped from the shower, wondering why in the name of Kali the brig had a water shower and his quarters had this annoying sonic thing. One could almost consider stepping over the line every now and then to get the chance to shower in the prison cells, Khan thought with a smirk, and made another mental note, this time to see Mr Scott about the showers. There were several aliens on board; surely they had special needs for their quarters, and having water in his bathroom would not be such an unreasonable request, would it?

Thinking, 'you have some problems, mighty Khan', the Augment got dressed and headed to the Med Bay before his shift.

Neera's condition was, of course, unchanged. Except maybe that she seemed to be a little more...restless. Sure, she was still asleep, but her body and mind seemed to flutter, like a butterfly trapped in a glass.

"Morning, Your Irascibleness." McCoy was, of course, on his feet already, tending to his patients. All of them were eyeing Khan as if he might jump on them at any moment and tear their throats out. For a moment, Khan had a mind to. But feeling a flicker of warmth that could only come from Neera, he was calm again the next second.

"Doctor," Khan greeted. "I don't know whether I should be offended or delighted about the titles you give me."

The two men stepped closer to Neera's biobed.

"Whatever makes you want to squeeze the very life out of me less."

Khan blinked. "Everyone seems to be afraid of me, at least a little. Everyone is so wary. Have I given you reason to fear me?"

"You mean apart from your murderous nature, the fact that you wanted to destroy this ship, broke an Admiral's skull with your bare hands,..."

"...saved your captain in the space debris when he was flying blind, brought him back to life with my blood, helped you to not get pulverized by said Admiral, developed technology that has catapulted human space travel a hundred years forward..." Khan drawled.

"Well, you didn't do all of that because you have such a good heart, did you?" McCoy insisted.

"But I did it, nevertheless. Oh, and I saved that Tribble," Khan added, not in the mood to fight and trying to diffuse the tension. It worked, the doctor laughed.

"Yeah, and a fat load of good it did us. We were so busy saving Jim that we totally forgot about that furry little demon and before we knew what happened, we had twenty of them."

Khan smiled.  "Then I do apologize for the inconvenience I have caused."

The two men smiled at each other, the healer and the destroyer.

"I am thankful for your blood, though. You did save Jim. Has he ever thanked you for that, by the way?"

Khan thought about their tryst yesterday and the good work James had done on his knees. Don't kiss and tell, he thought, saying out loud: "No, not really. I'll remind him."

"Reminding Jim of something is usually a waste of time. I can't even get him to come to me for his check-ups," McCoy grumbled.

"You're too lenient with him. He needs a firm hand." Khan couldn't suppress a smirk.

McCoy groaned. "Oh no, we are so not going down that road! I really don't want to know. I really don't!"

Khan grinned wickedly. "Since he doesn't come for check-ups anyway, you never have to know, doctor." For some reason, he felt wild glee fill him at the sight of the squirming doctor. If he hadn't given Kirk his word that he'd stay silent...

"When do you think can we wake her?" he asked, instead of teasing more. His hand rested on Neera's, and it felt warm and alive. The realization sent a surge of joy through him.

"Tomorrow morning, probably. I'd give her another day. The pain should be gone, but it seems to be inadvisable to wake someone too soon after cryo. The body has to acclimatize to working on basic functions again first."

"Which is why I felt so bad," Khan said quietly, but McCoy, standing directly next to him, heard him.

"I doubt that Marcus did anything right at all when he woke you."

"You can say that again." Khan's fist clenched around the edge of the biobed, and it groaned.

"Whoa!" McCoy said in an alarmed tone and tried to pry Khan's fingers from his beloved medical equipment, in vain, of course, as Khan's grip was like steel. Nevertheless, the Augment relaxed at the doctor's touch and in turn pried McCoy's hand away from his own carefully. The man had such soft hands, strong but soft. Neera would like these. The Augment pictured those hands on his wife's body, stroking her, those lips that were mostly pressed into a thin line of disapproval (and mostly because of Jim) kissing her. She'd be in good hands. Maybe a little out of practice, but the doctor could probably hold his own. Not as good as Khan himself, but for a human he didn't make a bad impression. Khan didn't feel jealous at the thought. He was better than any human, and the bond between Neera and him was engraved in their genes. They didn't only belong together due to some sentiment, but the connection they had was actually measurable. Khan had often seen servant girls crying in a corner, a friend's arm around their shoulders, sobbing about some man and how they thought they had found the one. He had often asked himself what it was like, to have doubts about a partner, to doubt if they truly belonged to them, if they truly loved them, and would stay forever. Augments didn't know such doubts. They were only whole with the partner that had been designed for them, and never experienced doubt about that. Humans were puzzle pieces that all fit together theoretically with more than one other piece, as if all their edges had roughly the same shape and thus could fit with anyone. Augments, on the other hand were like specific patterns, unique. Trying to find a different partner for an Augment would be like trying to force a triangle to fit with a crescent shape. The downside of this, of course, was that if an Augment lost their partner, they'd never be whole again. Fear for the death of their loved one was deeply engraved in an Augment, and Khan was a perfect example of what happened if their other half was in danger. Khan had killed many times, but the deaths he rued least were people like Marcus. Khan would never understand why the humans couldn't grasp that it was perfectly natural to kill for the one person who held the other part of your soul, heart, emotions and personality. Mothers killed for their children without hesitation, did they not? Perhaps, Khan thought, humans did not understand that the bond between Augment mates was twice and thrice as strong as that of mother and child, and they probably still found him guilty of murder because they didn't experience such bonds. It was not like Khan had a choice not to protect Neera at all costs. The rest of his family, well, they were more optional, because Khan's need for them was not genetic but emotional, but still. Khan had read about Binars, a species of alien life that seemed to exist in pairs, too. Was it so hard to believe that Augments were almost the same?

"Khan, this is awkward."

The Augment was startled from his musings and blinked. He was still holding the doctor's hand in his own, probably hadn't let go of the fingers when he had tried to get rid of them. The tall man smiled at how far his thoughts had wandered.

"Apologies, doctor. I was lost in thought." He let go and noticed that McCoy massaged his hand as if it hurt slightly. Had he gripped it so hard? Despite his famous cruelty, Khan was nobody who liked to hurt people without reason, and he felt sorry.

"I do hope you weren't thinking about holding hands with me," McCoy grumbled, which made Khan flash an impish smile again.

"If only you knew, doctor, what the future might hold for you."

McCoy glanced at him while changing some settings on the wall display of Neera's bed. "You realise that this coming from YOU...I don't know whether I should feel threatened or simply uneasy."

"Threatened," Khan scoffed. "I have no reason to hurt you, or anyone, for a change, if that is what you are still worried about. What everyone still seems to be worried about. Commander Spock is almost as strong as I am. You do not fear him, do you?"

"Spock is so rational that it drives you crazy, but he's not a brute," the man argued and checked a tiny diagram on the monitor.

"Is that what you think of me? That I am a brute?" Without Khan consciously realizing, his body had gone a little more rigid with anger.

McCoy straightened his back as well, and looked directly at the Augment, obviously sensing that this discussion could turn very dangerous indeed.

"You are made to be a weapon, commander. And you are a convicted criminal, convicted for murder and other things. Even if this is all part of your genes, you cannot compare Spock's civility to your own behaviour. You are more ready to use violence than he is, or than anyone on this ship is, to be exact. So your indignation about being called a brute, or about the fact that people feel threatened and uneasy and wary around you, is, in my eyes, a little self-righteous. You may not understand those reactions, maybe this incomprehension is genuine on your part, but people fear what they feel is unpredictable. And even though you show yourself to be civil at the moment, people know what you CAN do. Can you blame anyone that they are uneasy? If you want people to trust you, you'll have to win their trust. Show them who you are, what they are dealing with. Don't spend your shift talking to no-one and then go straight to your quarters. Mingle."

"Mingle!" Khan laughed, unable to stop himself.

But McCoy stood his ground. "Yes, mingle. You are not king anymore, Khan. Here, you are not above us, you are one of us. Or you could be, if you weren't such a conceited pain in the ass. On Earth, 300 years back, you were the better version of the only species you knew. But times have changed. We have long since discovered species that can take you on, Khan, you are not a god, you are stronger, you are cleverer, your body is fitter. And that's it. You are not the best any more. And you live among us for now. So if you stopped seeing yourself as above us, as something better, as of course you have heard all your life, you could maybe find your place in this world. But you struggle against it. You desperately want time to stand still, you want your life back, your position as leader, a position you were shaped to take. You were not _born_ a leader. You were born an experiment. Humans made you. It's time to come down from your high horse and accept that your status centuries ago means nothing here. Your reputation here is that of a brute and a terrorist, and you made that bed yourself. So if you want people to know that you can be civil and good and friendly and generous and noble, then _show us_ and don't get angry the second someone misjudges you, because rage is exactly what we know you for, and it's damn time you changed that."

Khan stood there, stunned. He really didn't know how to react.

He had killed men for less when he was king.

But that was the problem in a nutshell, wasn't it? He wasn't king. He was a killer. At least for those people.

He blamed them for not understanding anything, yet how should they know? In his long, solitary confinement, after torture and sorrow and pain and horror...had he really forgotten so thoroughly what it meant to live alongside people? Even in the old days, being king...it hadn't been his birthright, had it? ‘Born an experiment.’ That hurt. Augments were experiments, Augments were made in the hope that superior beings could bring order and peace. And he had fulfilled that task, and of course he was made to be 'better at everything'. But his position as a Royal, as someone who had the right to judge other people's deeds, someone above the law...that was a right he had just taken for himself. Even in his time, people had to prove themselves worthy. By ending conflict and hunger back in the day, he had done so.

What had he done in this century to be worthy?

Not a whole lot. Neera had always rolled her eyes about his ego. He would never get rid of it, it was part of his personality to be proud and haughty. Exercising restraint was not in his nature, and he had rarely tried, because he was so self-confident. But there was no way back in time, just as there was no use in dreaming about continuing the Augments' work. In this day and age, there was no place, no purpose for them anymore. He felt like a machine that had been made to produce something that was no longer needed. A remnant of a time long past. Indeed.

The truth was, Khan hadn't wanted to see all the things that McCoy had just hurled in his face. The Augment was better, but he wasn't perfect, and he certainly was, in a small way, a little, human. He had clung to what he knew and what he had always relied on, because his soul was in turmoil, had been since he was woken. It was entirely possible that his childhood, which he never thought about if he could help it, had made him more despotic than he had thought. He had vowed that he would never be helpless, never be weak again, never a slave again, that he'd grow, that he'd be MORE than others, that nobody would ever think him inferior again, that people would not simply do what they wanted with him, ever again. Had he forgotten how to be an equal in his quest for this? The people on this ship...they demanded respect and demanded that he tried to fit in. Demanded that he stopped being violent and angry. Well, he could do that as soon as Neera was back at his side. He would need peace of mind for the changes that were necessary in his...programming. Khan remembered his musings from a few minutes ago: what divided them when playing under the sun? When his mind hadn't been filled with rage and sadness, his answer had been much more favourable than these days, where his instincts felt constantly threatened and where he had been used and abused and had revolted against being in any way like those vile creatures that made him bleed in any way possible.

Maybe, just maybe, it had all been a bit much, even for Khan, and some of his actions or thoughts weren't justified at all.

Khan became aware of McCoy's presence, very close to him. He tensed, but kept his instinct to lash out under control. The doctor could have stepped away, left Khan to his musings and his turmoil and to the inner wounds he must know he had inflicted on the Augment's pride, but he hadn't. He was still there, and from the look on his face, half afraid of what the Augment would do to him for his tirade, half concerned for Khan himself.

"Commander?" he asked.

How long had Khan stood there, staring?

"Doctor," Khan answered. His voice sounded a little stricken, even in his own ears. "I thank you for your honesty. And your concern." It sounded stiff.

McCoy sighed, and even went as far as putting a hand on Khan's shoulder, who looked at it with an expression of astonishment. People didn't touch him like that.

"You're not that bad, actually, if I wouldn't know what you did, if I only knew you from how you acted towards me until now, I would even say you're not a bad guy. People like me and Jim and Uhura, who know your story in a little more detail, we know you've been through hell, we know you've endured things that would drive anyone mad. Hell, if I wasn't an old man and I had the power to crush the skull of my daughter's murderer, I'd do it, too! It's still creepy what you can do, though. Just try not to plot anything and try to be nice and you'll see, you'll find new friends in this day and age. Give them and yourself a chance. As I understand it, having your wife back should help your mood. And until then, go to work and talk to people and be nice, let them see who you are. Mingle. I can't believe I'm saying this but, go have a drink with Jim after your shifts, he seems to like you. Seeing you casually walking with the captain will make people see you in a different light, and they will stop looking at you like they're afraid. Which will make you calm down. Symbiosis."

Khan, to his own astonishment, swallowed hard. "I'm not used to mingling. I was used to being alone as a child, us Augments always kept to ourselves later, and royalty sets you apart even more. I never learned to be part of a crowd. All my life I was...different. Over the years, that became an admirable thing. But it makes you lonely sometimes."

"Being burdened with glorious purpose?" McCoy asked and Khan chuckled despite the gloomy feeling that had taken him hostage.

"It sounds ridiculous, but it isn't that far from the truth."

"Well, anyway, go mingle now. The fact that you learn faster than anyone else should make sure that you quickly get the hang of the whole socializing-thing. Seeing as you're 'better'."

Khan smiled. He couldn't help but feel a deep trust for the young doctor. And hearing kind words made his mood change for the better again. "Thank you, Bones. I'll give James love from you."

“Don’t you dare! Khan!” McCoy called after him, but the door was already closing behind the Augment.


	6. Never complain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Khan mingles.

Khan marched through the corridors, still pondering what the doctor had just told him. He tried to not think about the man as an insolent little human.

Joining Mr Scott in Engineering, Khan continued with his tasks, boring little repairs and check-ups on the system. It was all so dull that Khan found himself daydreaming, something his focused Augment mind didn't normally do. His thoughts flitted from his old palace to James and back to Neera and their children. He was thankful when Scott tapped on his shoulder to inform him that lunch break had started and that everyone would go to the mess hall. Unable to ask directly, Khan looked up at the chief engineer and said:

"Do you mean I should come with you?" He took care to use a pleasant voice, one of the enticing tones that made people like him almost against their will.

Scott shrugged, but he seemed surprised that Khan's tone was not only not hostile but almost hopeful. Patiently, Khan waited for what he knew the outcome would be; he was a master of manipulation, after all, including his own voice.

"You can come with us if ya like. I didn't even know ya ate anythin' at all," the man said in his thick Scottish accent.

Khan got up and snorted. He towered over the other man, but tried not to look intimidating. "Of course I have to eat. A body like mine uses up a lot of energy."

Scott nodded. "Yeah, I thought so. I just thought you might be...I don't know...enhanced to need less food and water or something."

"That's like trying to power a starship with a windmill. You could maybe keep the life support systems online but not much else. In a hurricane. If it's a small ship."

"Jeez, you must be fun at parties," Scott grumbled jokingly. A little creature came up behind him, looking very much out of place in a Starfleet overall when Khan thought it had better been attached to some stones on the bottom of the ocean. He really had no idea what it was. But as part of the crew, it must be intelligent enough. He really had to brush up on alien life forms.

"I've been told my parties can be quite amazing," Khan answered, trying not to stare at the coral-thing that looked at him - at least Khan thought it did.

"YOUR parties?" Scott asked, and turned to leave, but obviously expecting the Augment to join him.

"Of course," Khan quipped, and joined the engineer and his...whatever it was. "As a diplomat, you sometimes have high ranking visitors and the likes. I sometimes get the feeling everyone thinks me rather one-dimensional. Have any of you actually ever considered that I had a LIFE back then?"

"I thought you just sat on your throne, looking sour."

Khan took a deep breath and tried to remain pleasant. "I was not the... sitting-around-type-of-Khan. I had political matters to attend to, hear people's appeals, manage more than a continent. That's not done sitting down and looking sour. And apart from that, I never look sour."

"Not many mirrors around you, I guess," Scott whispered, but of course Khan heard it.

"Vanity can easily overtake wisdom. It usually overtakes common sense. I have never had much time to look into mirrors. I'm not a female. It's not my purpose to look appealing."

"You really need to sort out your views on equalism," Scott replied. "This way."

They turned down another corridor.

"What is it with people in your century that you think I'm disrespecting women?" Khan grumbled, following the chief engineer and his whatever-it-was into a turbolift.

"It's not a woman's PURPOSE to look appealing. They're not objects," Scott said through half-clenched teeth.

"Of course they're not. But women are, by nature, often more appealing than men. That does not mean they can do nothing else, they are just as intelligent as men. What all of you seem to forget is that men and women are NOT the same. They are two slightly different parts of a whole, complimenting each other. They have different needs, different ways, and yes, different purposes. That does not mean one is better than the other, but they are different. And women in my time were admired, among other things, for their beauty, as I'm sure is still the case. Why is that disrespectful?"

"It's not, it's just that...ah, you confuse me!" Scott argued, and left the turbolift with Khan and the coral-thing in tow.

They sat with a few other technicians and engineers. Khan was glad that the conversation turned towards science almost instantly after they had started eating, and he impressed the whole company, who had started out a little more than a little wary of him, when he reeled off an explanation about the warp-technology he had developed for the Vengeance. Scott jumped on that topic, and after a while it occurred to Khan that he liked the sarcastic Scotsman reasonably well. For a human, he had an understanding of his field that bordered on virtuosity. By and by, the others around the table relaxed and stopped eyeing Khan as if he was a wolf among sheep. He was, though, by nature, a predator, and he didn't like this role as 'one of them' much. It didn't feel...right. Many things here didn't feel right, bearable, but uncomfortable, from the sonic showers that made his nerve-ends tingle and his ears buzz to the synthesized food that tasted slightly off. Obviously, curry rice and fresh vegetables was not something that those machines excelled at. Khan sighed. At least, he got to choose what and how much he wanted to eat. Hunger was something that, though bearable, had become a psychological horror since Marcus had starved him.

Half an hour into their break, McCoy joined them on the table with James, Uhura and Spock, if by chance or by some plan, Khan didn't know. The doctor sat next to Khan, with James on his other side, across from the two unusual lovebirds.

"Socializing?" asked McCoy. Khan only nodded.

"You don't look happy, tough, commander," Kirk remarked, smiling and stressing Khan's rank the same way Khan always called Jim 'captain'. "Fly in your soup? Or did you accidentally step on Keenser?"

"Pardon?" Khan asked politely. "What's Keenser?"

"Me," someone croaked from Khan's right, and he turned to see the coral-creature looking at him, its face unmoving. Maybe it couldn't move it much.

"I didn't actually think you could talk," Khan admitted in a polite tone.

"He doesn't talk much," Scott interjected. "But he's a bright thing. Stop looking at me like that, as if I slapped your mother," Scott all but shouted at Keenser in his loud voice.

Khan smiled at the exchange between Keenser and Scott, if you could call it an exchange, since the creature didn't reply and just stared at his...well, friend, probably. Scotty tended to shout at the creature every now and then in that thick accent of his, but it was perceivable that they liked each other a lot.

"So, what's the reason for the clouds around your forehead?" Kirk asked again, as if he really was concerned for Khan's wellbeing.

"I wasn't aware that I looked like that. It's nothing."

"God, just spit it out."

"I don't complain."

"So there is something to complain about?" Kirk pressed.

"Nothing."

"Jeez, what could happen if you did complain?"

"You made it clear that I wasn't to complain about my situation, captain. And if you'd like to know," he said in a dangerously silky voice, "last time I complained about something out loud I passed out from the punishment for four hours. In my experience, complaints sit about as well with Starfleet officers as laser whips do with bare skin."

He didn't even know why he shared this piece of information, but there was a shocked silence around the table, even though Khan hadn't spoken very loudly.

Kirk looked sorry as well as furious. "You don't honestly want to compare us to that bastard Marcus."

"I'm not talking about my time with Marcus, although he too liked excessive punishments. I was referring to my time in Starfleet prison before I was put back into cryo."

"WHAT?"

"Oh captain, please don't play dumb," Khan said, his old haughtiness winning over his attempt to adapt. "You must know about such practices."

"They are NOT common, and highly illegal," Spock said, his voice betraying nothing. "You should file a formal complaint about..."

"I thought I made myself clear, commander. In this century, all complaints have brought me was punishment of this or that nature. Complaining is certainly something humans beat out of me. Complaints are for humans. I doubt Starfleet views me as human. I’m more of a thing, always have been since our paths crossed."

Everyone was silent for a moment, until Uhura spoke quietly.

“You’re not a thing.”

Khan sighed. “Thank you.” He didn’t want to fight or even talk about this anymore.

"What did they punish you for? In prison?"

Khan looked into her dark, warm eyes. They were full of pain and concern. For him?

"The food supply. They didn't feed me. Probably guessed that I didn't eat," Khan said sarcastically. He turned and looked at Scott. The man didn't look like laughing now. "When I complained that malnutrition hadn't been my sentence, they whipped me until I passed out."

"So that’s why your body looks...not bad, but not as impressive as last time. I found no burns, though, just your half-healed shoulder," McCoy cut in.

"My skin heals quite quickly, bones need longer."

McCoy nodded, obviously lost in thought. Khan could practically feel the pity radiating off everyone. It was both confusing and humiliating. Some of the engineering team took up their conversations with each other again, a little subdued.

"I can guarantee you, nobody on my ship will mistreat you in any way. So I command you to speak up if there is anything bothering you, besides you not being in charge," Kirk said fiercely.

"Or what, captain?" said Khan, smiling weakly.

"Or I'll uninstall each and every pudding recipe from your food synthesizer."

Khan laughed, as did the rest of the people who were still listening. "And you call me a terrorist, captain."

Kirk smiled. "Seriously, though, if there's something...anything...you can come talk to me, or Bones, or anyone you want and we'll figure something out. You're not here for more punishment, you're here for rehabilitation. I take care of my own, and if there's anything, about your quarters, your working conditions, however unusual...tell me."

"I understand. Thank you, captain. Then this might be a good moment to bother you about my shower, I guess," Khan smiled.

Uhura giggled, and Scott huffed a laugh, while Spock looked absolutely out of his depth.

Kirk's eyes flashed mischievously, although he obviously didn't know what Khan meant. "Your shower. Want me to have a look at it or something? I'm a hell of a plumber."

McCoy groaned "Oh please god no..." and everyone around the table laughed again, including the Augment.

"So what about your shower?" Scott asked, at once concerned that something about his precious ship was not okay.

"It's sonic."

"Uh...would you elaborate? Of course it's sonic. Did they not have those in your time? You get used to them," Kirk said, but Khan shook his head.

"The frequency hurts my ears and it makes my nerves feel off.  My heightened senses are too sensitive. It's like a buzzing throughout my whole body, it's...very uncomfortable for my ears." How he hated to admit something that mundane caused him discomfort!

"Oh...I didn't even think of that," Kirk admitted.

"Are your senses so precise that you hear and feel the shower?" McCoy added, his medical interest aflame in an instant.

Khan nodded. "It's like putting a human into a giant drum, the vibrations make me dizzy. And it's screeching."

"Wow, do you have, like, bat ears?"

Khan cocked his head, pondering the question.

"I think I can hear more frequencies than humans, yes. At the very least, I have a sharper hearing. I don't have a reference, though. I don't know what human hearing is like."

"Anyway," Kirk interrupted before the doctor could give a lecture about that, "we'll fix that. You might have to move. Scotty, we'll have to remember that when the other Augments are awakened. Bones, include it in the file."

"Aye captain," the two officers answered. Despite his boyish appeal, everyone had accepted Kirk as the leader. Khan pondered that fact often. In his time, a man like James Kirk would never have been a captain. But it had obviously not been a bad choice by whoever had made him one.

"A’ right lads, break's over! Back to work ya lazy landlubbers! Off ya go!" Scott called and Khan almost choked on his last bit of curry because he was laughing so hard. Not for the first time, he felt more than a little sorry that this crew had not been his first to encounter after he had woken up in this century.

"Easy, big boy." Kirk patted Khan's back until the coughing had subsided. "Care to join me for a drink later?"

"Your doctor is a tattletale, did you know that, James?" Khan asked, loud enough for McCoy to hear.

"Hey, I'm trying to be nice to you!"

"And that's sensational in itself."

"Oh shut up, Jim!"

"I told you he needs a firm hand, doctor."

"You did what?! No, I don’t!"

“More than you think, and you’d like it.”

“Oh, god help me, I really don’t want to hear this!”

The banter continued until everyone was on the way to the turbolifts or down the corridors. Khan caught Uhura giggling silently and winked at her.

Before the captain vanished into the lift with Spock and Uhura, he called: "Khan, drink?"

The Augment bowed mockingly. "My pleasure, captain." And to Khan's own amazement, it was.


	7. Where we come from

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Khan and Kirk have a drink and get personal - yes, smut in this chapter, but before, we learn about Khan's childhood. After, when Khan is alone again, we learn how Neha died, so, psychological cruelty later in this chapter.

In the evening, as far as anything in outer space could be called evening, Kirk appeared in engineering himself to pick Khan up. The Augment was slightly irritated about being babied like this, until Kirk told him they'd move him to another room, two corridors from his original place.

"Do you have anything you want to take with you? Any personal stuff?" Kirk asked when they were in Khan's room.

"Kirk," Khan said in a chiding voice and looked at the captain as if he were talking to a child, "I don't have personal belongings. All I have is Starfleet issued."

"Nothing at all?"

"How do you think I would have gotten hold of any? I was banished from home 300 years ago. We didn't take anything with us. And I didn't really have time to...go to the beach and collect seashells or anything since I woke."

"Oh. That's...kinda sad. Do you like seashells then?"

Khan ignored the question and grabbed the one other uniform he possessed, the black one he had had before he got the blue.

"Do you actually sleep in your uniform or something? What do you wear in your free time?" Kirk asked, scrutinizing the bed as if he expected to see pyjamas.

"I wear the uniform until I go to bed."

Kirk grinned. "And in bed?"

"Are you coming onto me again?"

"Maybe."

Khan smirked but again ignored the question. But Kirk wasn't pushed aside so easily. As soon as he had shown Khan his new room, he brought the man back to his own quarters, just like he had done the evening before last. Offering the Augment a glass of Scotch that would have no effect on the modified body, he sat down in an armchair under the window. Khan took the seat across the small glass table.

Jim held up his glass, but offered no toast, and neither did Khan. They drank in silence.

"So," Kirk said and put his glass on the table. "Won't you tell me a bit about yourself, then? Something personal? I only know you're a king, a warrior, a super protective family man, and you sleep in the nude and like seashells."

"I never said I liked seashells."

"But you do sleep in the nude?"

"I didn't say that either."

"Are those things wrong, then?"

Khan sighed and rolled his eyes. "I do like seashells. They remind me of summers with my family and of my palace. Neha used to collect them, her rooms were full of them. She even made her brothers wear little shells around their necks." Khan took another sip of the burning amber liquid.

Kirk smiled at him above the table, his head leaning on his right hand. "That's nice. So you had seaside holidays and all that?"

Khan nodded. "I'd rather not talk about that, though. It's a very dear memory, but thinking that I lost that forever makes me sad. And I miss the sea. I miss Earth. I miss...nature, I miss my gardens, I miss my pets, I miss the hot Indian sun, the sand, the wells, the mountains! I miss _green_ things and the endless blue sky above me. I do love space," he admitted, and looked out of the large windows, "but it's always night here. My element is the sun. I miss daylight. I miss the heat. How it warms your skin."

Kirk watched Khan attentively. "You should try out the holodeck for something more than training, even though it’s not quite the same, but you could create your native landscape there... You don't look much like you spent a lot of time in the sun, though. You don't look Indian, either, by the way."

"I'm sure you know that by the time I was made, races had mingled with each other all over the world. My ethnicity is English. But I was made in India. And if you think about it, why would I have dark skin from the sun alone? You do realise that your tan is basically damaged skin cells? You have one guess why my skin doesn't tan."

"Because your skin is patriotic?” Kirk deadpanned.

Khan chuckled. "I'm not English. As I said, English genes, but made in India."

"Why do you always say 'made'. Weren't you...like...born?"

Silence was the only answer Khan gave for a long time.

"I don't know," he finally said, almost inaudibly. Even in his own ears, his voice sounded incredibly small.

"What? You mean...you don't know if...but you have to have...parents, you know, and if it's just donors or something."

"I don't know," Khan repeated, a little louder. "I have no idea where I came from, exactly. Records about how we were made were destroyed. I guess I came from some kind of egg and sperm but I don't know how they altered my genes, and if a woman carried me in her womb and gave birth to me or if I was created in a glass cylinder and an incubator. I have no memories of that time of my existence, same as I don't have a birthday. Nobody told any of us Augment children where we came from when we grew up. We were just there, learning, training. We didn't even ask. We never saw other children, so we had no idea there was something like parents for everyone else. Once I found out, I often wondered if I had a mother and a father, and what they would have been like."

The two men fell silent for a moment.

"What's your earliest memory?" Kirk asked, his voice sad. It seemed he didn't want to dwell on the no-parents topic.

"Probably something about my sister. I mean Neera. We felt our designated connection as children, so we grew up as siblings, sort of. I remember her sitting next to me while learning. Our days were very strictly planned, we were roused early, then we had training, running, jumping, climbing. If you didn't complete the whole course in under five minutes you got no breakfast. That was the time we learned to stick together, help each other. They didn't monitor us during morning training, or I think they didn't. If anyone was too slow or too weak, we would help. We only had each other, after all. We may not have parents, but we had us." Khan took another swig of Scotch. "After breakfast we had to learn. Topics varied. We just learned everything. A lunch break at noon, another obstacle course, defence training, two practical hours for technical knowledge or crafting or computing. Then supper and more studying. One hour of free time. Lights out at midnight. I can't remember a time before that. I guess I was...four. Looking back, the faces of my comrades seem little more than toddlers."

"Hardly a happy childhood."

"You can say that again."

"You know, I have a hard time picturing you as a child. You being all...tall, dark and handsome, brainy and brawny, fighting like the devil...imagining you...like, falling down and crying..."

"We were punished for crying. As for many other things."

"Gee, have you had _nothing_ but punishments all your life?" Kirk asked, looking even more pitying.

Khan looked down at his hands and the glass they were holding. "Sometimes it feels like it. But you get used to it. It's probably like growing up in the army. For us, it was the army. We were an elite troop, if you want."

"And that went on until...? When?"

"Twenty. When we were all twenty, we left the labs, and got to do what we had been raised for. When we left and went to govern our countries, Neera came with me. We had been lovers for some time at that point."

"When did you...change? From siblings to lovers?" Kirk asked, obviously as eager as Khan to abandon the depressing topic of the Augments' childhood.

Khan leaned back, feeling his muscles relax. He noticed he didn't mind telling James any of this. "At sixteen, I think. Puberty hit us like it does every human. Not with spots and all that, obviously. But sexual hormones are very strong in Augments. Neera slept in the room opposite mine. They were more like cells, really. Anyway, she had made a habit of coming over for the evening lessons which we always took without a teacher, basically reading books. She came over with hers and got into my bed every few nights, and we’d lie close to each other and read. We had done that since we were fourteen or fifteen, but it got a lot more...interesting when we got older. Sometimes she slept in my bunk with me."

Khan noticed that he was smiling at Kirk, who was returning the smile radiantly. "We had sexual education at about thirteen. We knew what we were doing, but it wasn’t any less arousing or exciting because of that. We also knew I couldn’t get her pregnant. At first, we only felt that the pull between us was stronger, then we started touching deliberately when she was with me, then we started kissing. Oh, it felt so weird, so experimental, and then so right! I’m sure you’ve had similar experiences when you had your first woman, but in our case, we had never seen any such thing in our lives, we had never seen a kiss or any other display of affection, we had only read about it in classic literature and we wanted to try it. It was glorious. I think I can safely say I’d never been so happy before. I don’t know if it was genetic or emotional, but kissing her seemed to seal our bond, and that was when I realised for the first time that what I felt for her was love. I had read about it, about love, but I never understood it, because I had never experienced it consciously. But kissing her for the first time let me understand the connection we had always had. We made love that night. When my overseer roused me the next morning, he found us together. I thought we’d get punished, but he didn’t even acknowledge it, really. I remember the moment the door opened and how I clung to her for fear that he’d do her harm. But he didn’t. She was my designated wife, after all. When we realised we wouldn’t get punished, we started doing it just about every night.”

Kirk laughed, and Khan joined in quietly with a deep rumble from his chest.

“Every night?” Kirk asked impishly, half impressed.

“Yes, with very few exceptions. For the next few years.”

“ _Years?_ ”

“Years. I regularly got only two hours of sleep a night during that time. I’ve never been whipped so often for falling asleep while studying, but I didn’t care. I guess you can relate.”

“Well, I’ve had wild times, but YEARS?”

“Jealous, James? Or desperate? Or insecure? There are not many who can sate my appetite.” The Augment grinned at his captain.

“Challenged, maybe,” the blond responded.

Khan laughed and cocked his head to the side. “Oh James. If you had any idea how much I want to take you, right here, right now, until you can’t move anymore.”

Kirk smiled, and got to his feet to saunter over to the Augment.

“Then why don’t you?” Kirk purred, which, admittedly, he wasn’t bad at.

But Khan shook his head. “No, James.”

“Why not? You had me yesterday!” the young man protested.

“I’m riled up. Yesterday, I was calmer.”

Kirk stepped closer and put his hands on Khan’s, not all too gently. “What if I want you riled up?”

“I could hurt you…”

“You didn’t!”

“I could _break_ you. Do you honestly want to tell McCoy what happened?” Khan knew he shouldn’t sound so amused.

“You won’t break me! Jesus, Khan!” Jim bowed down until his face was so close to Khan’s they were almost touching. “You came here, didn’t you? You knew I would try this.”

Khan nodded. “I knew. Or, I guessed. I guessed you would try this. But I’m not a whore to be summoned,” he said calmly.

“I know that,” Kirk brushed Khan’s remark aside. “But I also know that you want this. Me.”

“I do.”

“Then stop being overly careful and fuck me, for the love of god!”

“You’re drunk, James. At least a little.” Khan pushed Kirk away to get up. The young man opened his mouth and took a deep breath to protest, but Khan didn’t give him time for that. He shoved the boy towards the bed, never letting more room between them than necessary, and attacked Jim’s mouth with fierce kisses. Jim was so perplexed that at first he didn’t struggle nor participate. But after a few more seconds, he woke from his shock and returned the kisses with renewed fervour.

Khan pressed Jim down onto the bed, straddling his knees.

“Khan! God…get on with it already! Please!”

“Shhh, James, you’ll be still and take what I give you.”

“Yes, anything!” the younger man moaned.

With quick fingers, Khan opened Jim’s trousers and pulled them down along with the underwear just enough to stroke his manhood, which was already hard and glistening at the tip.

“Fuck!” Jim shouted as the older man began to manipulate him with one hand. With the other, he teased at Jim’s nipples. His mouth trailed kisses up Kirk’s neck to his ear, his own erection was almost painful in his trousers, but Khan forced himself to focus. Lying down half next to Jim, half on top of him to hold him down, he whispered into the young man’s ear.

“James,” he groaned, feeling the man beneath him shiver. “The things I’ll do to you! Can you imagine? I bet you have imagined a lot of things. At night, in your bed, alone, cold. And then your thoughts drift towards me, am I right? You think of my lips on yours, my body pressed to your body, my cock inside you, don’t you?”

Jim whimpered beneath him as Khan stroked the young man’s cock mercilessly hard.

“Yes, I know you. I can almost see it, see you, pleasuring yourself while thinking of me, while you imagine how I’ll feel inside of you, you dirty boy. But don’t be ashamed, James. Being dirty is much more wonderful than being pure. Even though white is often associated with things that are pleasant and pure, there is a peculiar emptiness about the colour white. What use is it if one is virtuous but empty? I know you have no pure mind, and I like you for that. You looked so shocked and so fascinated yesterday, when you saw me naked. Tell me, do you still want it inside you? Do you think you’ll be able to take it?”

“Braggart!” Jim moaned, panting under Khan’s words and ministrations.

“Is it really bragging if it’s true?” The older man ground his still clothed cock into Jim’s hips, making him groan yet again.

“Yes it is!”

“Well, tell me you’ve taken bigger,” Khan chuckled.

“I haven’t even _seen_ bigger, but you’re still a braggart!” Kirk was starting to shake. “Khan, please!”

“I’m still not sure you could handle it. Try to imagine the sheer stretch, James, can you? I couldn’t even decide how I’d take you. On your knees, bent over the side of the bed? Or just on all fours? Would it be too much for you? If I took you like a bitch in heat? I bet you’d love that. Or would you want to see me? Would you? You could see my body working you, pounding into you, you could see how I move, see the utter bliss on my face when I feel you squeezing me desperately. Would you claw at my back? I hope you would. I like my lovers wild and untamed and violent. I like when they bite. I like when they scratch.”

Khan moved closer to Jim’s ear and let his voice drop even more.

“I like when they scream.”

Jim groaned wantonly.

“I bet you’d be vocal. I bet you’d tell me exactly what you want. And I’d give it to you, and more. I wonder. Do you like to be manhandled? Do you like to be slapped? Choked? Would it make your cock even harder? Maybe I’d touch, maybe I wouldn’t, and I’d only ram you until you writhe beneath me. I wouldn’t let you come for hours, and only when you beg and scream and wail and cry, when you feel like you’re losing your mind, I’d let you come. Maybe you’d even pass out. You certainly wouldn’t be able to move, least of all walk or sit. And when I’ve wrung every last bit of pleasure from you, I’d come inside you and fill you with my load. You’d take it, like a good whore, wouldn’t you, James? Because that’s what you are, isn’t that right? A filthy, wanton whore who’s just begging for my cock? You want it, James, I know you want it, you know it’d hurt and you’re so looking forward to it.”

That was too much for Jim. Clawing at Khan’s shoulders, writhing, shouting, he came all over Khan’s strong hand. The older man stroked him through the aftershocks, kissing the blond deeply and sensually. His own arousal pained him, but it was better this way. He had known exactly what he was doing. This would keep James in check for a little while.

The younger man let out a kind of sob when his brain came back online. “That was your plan, huh? That’s not fair. You had no intention to fuck me at all.”

Khan let go and got to his knees beside the man. “Believe me, James, I have every intention to fuck you, but not today. I do want to just _pound_ into you. But when I take you for the first time, I don’t want to be half delirious with lust. I take care of my lovers. And I want to be able to do so, thoroughly. There will be time for wild coupling later, but I want to do this properly. I also feel that I owe my wife that much restraint, to wait for her. Just wait a few more days.”

Jim laughed shakily. "I feel almost as if you raped me. Not that you did, but I hope you know what I mean. I feel...betrayed."

"Oh James," Khan said with a soft smile. "Thank me later. And you WILL thank me later, if I take my time with you, to get you going and to prepare you. I promise you'll thank me. Over and over and over and over and over again."

The Augment got up to wash his hand and right himself.

"Waiting, waiting, always waiting," Jim groaned and heaved himself up on the bed. "Last time someone was so resilient about that, that someone was a virgin."

Khan laughed dismissively from the adjoining bathroom. "I can hardly believe that you have ever waited for anyone."

"Well, I didn't," Jim said and peeled himself out of bed and, to Khan's surprise (and delight) out of his golden uniform to step into the shower. Khan leaned against the doorframe with crossed arms to watch.

"Wanna join me?" the captain asked, smirking.

"No, James. Remember why I had to move? I can understand that you want me on my knees but I will not have a shower be the cause of that. Although I have to say, it's very enticing. The way you shed your clothes so easily in front of others speaks volumes. But I should go."

"You're still here, though."

"I'm still here."

"You're still hard, as well."

"And you seem to have a talent for stating the obvious," Khan smiled.

"Then let me phrase it as a clear question: would you like me to help you with that?" Kirk's smile was cocky and hungry, and it made the Augment's blood boil. But he kept his desire under control, even though there was nothing that really spoke against James helping him out.

Maybe he liked the feeling of being difficult to catch, the feeling that, for the first time in years, he could _deny_ a partner his body. And even though Neera wouldn't mind, Khan had the feeling that she should at least be the first one he bedded this time round; there was clearly a difference between what one was allowed to do and what one should do. It was not strictly necessary that Khan refused Kirk, but he felt it would honour his wife in a way. He also enjoyed the feeling of simply making this decision because he _liked_ it that way. It was no lie that it was entirely possible that Khan hurt his captain in the throes of his passion, which was definitely stronger than human passion. But it was of course not the main reason of his rejection, he only told Kirk that to make the game more interesting. Khan could see through Kirk. The young man liked the shivers that this warning sent through his body.

Khan could already see it before him; he'd manhandle the boy, he'd make him sore. James liked that. Maybe he'd even leave some marks, deliberately placed. On the inside of James' thighs, from Khan's hip bones crashing into the boy, maybe. Or on James' own hips, he could leave handprints by grabbing him just a little too hard. And then, when James was completely exhausted and riled up from the pleasures he'd received, Khan would take him one last time, slow and gentle, and the man would just melt under him. Khan knew James' type; they fucked everything that moved, but never received enough love for themselves. James was lonely. He always gave, but it stopped at pleasure. Khan had meant it when he had told James that he'd make love to him, he very much intended to, the way he thought James needed and deserved. Despite his many conquests, many affairs and many lovers, Khan liked to be personal when it came to pleasure, as he had told Kirk a few days ago. He wasn't sure if the man had understood it for what he had meant. Coupling like animals was fine. As long as there was love in that violence. Humans tended to have each other without knowing or liking each other, and the nights left them with empty hearts. THAT was appalling for Khan.

"No James," Khan finally replied. "No need to help me. It'll go away. As will I. Have a good night, captain."

And Khan left Kirk just like the previous day, confused, a little hurt, a little disappointed, and craving more.

 

In his new quarters, the first thing Khan did was take a real shower. He shed his uniform gracefully and stepped into the cabin, and turned on the water. A groan of pure bliss escaped his lips. Quickly and efficiently, he took care of his own arousal that had not abated one bit since he had left the captain. Afterwards, he just drifted in the bliss his orgasm and the shower evoked. He hadn't even realised how much he'd missed pure warm water on his skin. It almost felt like liquid sunshine. It warmed the heart. It clung to his skin and gave him some warmth.

Tomorrow he'd see Neera, really see her, see her eyes, see her smile, feel her arms around him. He'd also see her tears for her daughter. Her grief would be terrible. But it would also be short in that intensity. Khan had had no real time to mourn his beloved daughter. When Marcus switched off her tube, he had even been present. He had been restrained, properly this time. Closing his eyes in the shower, Khan allowed himself to remember the moment.

"I'll teach you," Marcus had said, "to refuse me. You came so far, you've been such a good worker. Ready to even sell yourself to protect your crew. And when it comes to something so simple as weapons you suddenly play dumb?"

"You'll burn Earth. You want war! You crave it! What kind of a leader are you? The war you want will end millions of lives!" Khan had spat on the ground before Marcus' feet.

"Well, not human lives, at least." That smug expression! It had been terrible. "We'll strike first, before Earth will be the target."

"It _will_ be the target! Use your brain, admiral, I beg you! You cannot win this war with a first strike. No matter how powerful."

"I have plenty of experience with combat, son."

Khan had hissed at that. "So do I."

"I meant modern combat." A smirk. Demeaning.

"What do you think I did in my time, Marcus, shoot barbarians with a bow and arrow from horseback? Some things never change with war. One of those things being that you should never start one."

"Oh do shut up! We can win this, we'll make them cower before humanity. We can't appear weak any more. And you will develop those weapons. I'm warning you one last time, son."

"No. Be reasonable, Marcus, please! Take your rage out on me, and me alone, but think! Just think! You cannot win this! It will not protect Earth, it will not protect humanity! Do you want to brand humanity as war-mongers?"

"We need to be strong!" Marcus had cried, full of rage.

"But not by starting a war and murdering thousands upon thousands of innocent people!"

Marcus had laughed. "Klingons are not people, don't be sentimental. They are savage beasts who for some reason have the ability to walk upright and talk and construct starships. God knows how they managed that."

"They are alive nonetheless! You can't..."

"Enough!" Marcus' voice had cracked and sounded more like screeching. "I'll show you what I can do! I warned you, I gave you a choice, but the time for that is over! You WILL help me, you WILL!" Marcus had approached the row of cryotubes against the wall of the storage bay they were currently in. Khan's hands were shackled to the floor with electromagnetic cuffs. The second they would be disconnected from the floor by force, they would release an electric current that would even make Khan's heart stutter.

"Admiral! No! You promised!"

"If you cooperated. But you're not cooperating, are you?"

"The world will burn, millions will die, I won't help you with that! I can't! I beg you, be reasonable!" Khan had been desperate. He had thought he couldn't feel worse than at that moment. How wrong he had been.

Marcus had come to a halt about ten metres away, in front of cryotube numbers 15 and 16. He had turned.

"You will help me."

"No! Don't!"

"Then I might have to demonstrate my resolve. Maybe I haven't been clear enough."

"No..."

"I ask myself, do you know who is who?"

"Admiral!"

Marcus had let his fingers trail over the tubes, taken another step. Number 17. Khan's body had felt numb. The man wanted to scare him. He'd stop. He had to. He wouldn't...

He did. Without another warning, Marcus had switched off tube number 17.

"NO! Gods no!" Khan had strained against his bonds, half mad with pain, half with grief. "NO! Marcus, please, no! Save her! Save her! Wake her, let her wake at least! I beg you! I'll do anything!"

"Ah, so you do know who it is. Well. You've refused me for the last time. You'll stay here. Without the proper procedure, the subject should be dead in, what, a day? Tops. I really didn't want to do this, son, but you really have to remember who's in charge here. I'll ask you again tomorrow, and we can go on like this for seventy-two more days. See you tomorrow."

And with that, he had left.

Khan couldn't remember much after that. He knew he had wailed and wept and cursed Marcus. He may have gone unconscious every now and then. They left him cuffed to the floor for the entire day, where he could watch his daughter thaw without being revived. The life support systems that had ensured that the body didn't change were offline, and the body had started decomposing before his eyes. Khan had had the feeling he'd go mad, and maybe he had. There had only been one thought left in his head, and that had been Neha.

His sweet Neha. The apple of his eye. Khan wiped at the tears that covered his face and let the water of the shower wash the rest away. He remembered the day she was born like it was yesterday. It had been a lovely one, sunny, filled with the scents of trees in bloom, a fine spring day. Khan had sat next to his queen, sometimes quietly talking, but mostly in silence as she sung. She really had been singing while giving birth to her child. Khan understood only that Augment women were in such a way different from the men that their body could, of course, handle childbirth, and handle it better than humans, with less pain at least. He never liked to admit it but when he had heard human women give birth he had always felt a little nauseous from the horrible cries, all the bravery from battles and bloodshed forgotten. Neera wasn't like that, thank the gods. She had described it as uncomfortable, but bearable. She had liked to sing a lot, anyway. Each time she had given birth to any of her three children, she had been singing, in Hindi, in English, in German, in Icelandic, in Greek, it didn't matter. Khan had liked to sit with her. And when the moment came when Neera tensed for the last effort, he would kiss her and move down to take care of the newborn. Khan knew that in earlier cultures, or even today, childbirth was considered 'women's business', but he himself found it beautiful to be present and to welcome his child. Neha had been so small, so delicate, and the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. She had been a happy child, bright, intelligent, a wild thing. Khan remembered vividly how she used to storm through the palace like a whirlwind as soon as she could walk. Their life had been a happier one since their first child, anyway. Now all three of them were dead and Neera and him were alone again.

Khan turned off the water and grabbed a towel. Even though none of their children were replaceable, maybe, just maybe...

He went to bed. He'd see Neera tomorrow and everything would sort itself out. It would be a hard day, so many horrible stories to tell, so many tears to shed. But they'd be together again, at least. That was the only thing that mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Even though white is often associated with things, that are pleasant and pure, there is a peculiar emptiness about the color white. It is the emptiness of the white that is more disturbing, than even the bloodiness of red.” is a well-known quote from Melville's Moby Dick again.


	8. Good Morning Starshine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We meet Neera and experience how Khan can be when he is happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Domestic fluff, tears and a little M/F hot scene.  
> I'd be soooo happy for some feedback ;)

The next morning, Khan woke with a start. His predator's brain let him lie still and assess the situation for a moment, until he relaxed, unable to find the source of any danger. He was out of bed and dressed a minute later, and, ignoring his hunger, as he had not eaten since lunch yesterday, almost ran to Med Bay.

McCoy greeted him with a smile. "Eager, are you?"

"Of course! Khan snapped. "Any reason why you shouldn't wake her now?"

"None at all, we're just waiting for the rest."

"Rest?" Khan asked, irritated. He had done his bloody waiting, had he not?

McCoy seemed unmoved. "Yes. Jim and Spock have to be present at least. Waking your crew is, after all, one of the main jobs on this mission."

"I don't care about your mission, I want her back, now." His voice was commanding, unyielding, and yet, the doctor was unimpressed. He probably had to deal with Jim's orders a lot too often.

"Khan, calm down. Five more minutes won't hurt. They'll be here after breakfast, I presume."

"Which is when?"

"Now...haven't you eaten at all?"

Khan shook his head and took his communicator out for the first time, to call James.

"Kirk?"

"Captain, where are you?"

"Khan, good morning to you too."

"Your presence is wanted in Med Bay, about right now, CAPTAIN!" Khan snarled, unable to control his nerves.

"Easy, commander, I'll be on my way in a minute. Keep calm, alright? That's an order."

Khan hissed and was about to make a biting and absolutely impertinent remark when he caught McCoy's look that clearly told him not to overdo it.

"Aye captain." He deactivated the line.

"Man, are you out of your augmented mind? No matter if you're screwing the captain, you can't order him around like that. Jim is relaxed but he's still the captain. Do you remember we talked about you knowing your place? If this wasn't a topic where we can all understand your impatience..."

"I'm not screwing the captain, doctor. And if I did, it'd be none of your business." Khan couldn't help it, his voice was getting louder with every word. "And as for my impatience; I think I've earned the right to be impatient about holding my other half again after 265 bloody years. I don't know about you but that's a hell of a lot of time!"

"It really is, Khan. I understand that. I really do. But please try to control yourself. It's just a few more minutes. A mere second in the life of an Augment, right?"

Khan took a deep breath and smiled a little.

"Sometimes, one minute in our lives can feel like a whole lifetime."

"That's something you have in common with humans, then."

Khan was much too nervous to take the bait. He felt his heart beat like it rarely ever did, it sounded like Kirk's had when they first kissed, and this was definitely not the moment to think about this. Focus.

Ten minutes later, the door opened and the captain and his first officer entered. Nyota was with them. She smiled at Khan, and he smiled back very briefly.

"Alright, Bones, do your job and wake her before Romeo here gets even more upset."

Kirk and the others approached the biobed, but held their distance.

"I really don't know why we needed to wait for you just to wake her."

"The captain should be present if there's something important happening," Kirk said patiently to Khan, but the Augment wasn't listening.

He was watching the doctor inject something into Neera's neck, watching how her limbs started to move, and finally, _finally_ , her eyes opened.

They were as blue as Khan remembered them, as if she had looked out onto the ocean all her life and the blue had leaked into her eyes.

She blinked, blinked again, moved her head very delicately. Khan noticed that he was clutching her hand a little too tightly and relaxed his grip.

"Priya, can you hear me?" Khan whispered.

A croaking sound came from her throat, and she coughed.

"Slowly, priya, take your time."

She made a movement to sit up and Khan helped.

"Noon," she said, weakly, and Khan smiled. She smiled back, and Khan felt as if the sun was rising before him. She put her hands to his face and slowly slid them around his neck, leaning into him.

"I feel weak as a kitten," she remarked.

Khan chuckled. "No matter, _billee_ , you've been asleep for a while."

"Yes I can tell..." Khan could feel Neera look around by the little turns of her head. "What year is it, Noon? Oh...and may I ask who you are?" She was looking at the other four people over Khan’s shoulder, scanning Spock's alien appearance intently.

This was obviously Kirk's moment. He stepped forward (Khan almost expected him to bow with a flourish) and introduced himself and his crewmembers when Neera had disentangled herself from Khan again.

"Lieutenant Uhura, Commander Spock, Doctor McCoy. My name is James Kirk, captain of the starship USS Enterprise. Welcome to the year 2261."

 

Neera let her gaze wander towards Khan, who nodded encouragingly.

"Wow," was all she said.

Khan sat on the biobed next to her, his arm around her back. "We slept for a long time, my love. There's much I have to tell you, and so much for you to learn. The world has changed. Many things have changed." He didn't look at her at the last bit, but of course, he couldn't hide anything from her.

"I see sadness in your eyes, _pyaare_ , what happened?" She scrutinized his face and body. "You look strong. When did they wake you?"

"Three years ago, my love."

"Three years! How! Why do you wake me so late!" she exclaimed.

"Believe me, _pyara_ , I would have had you with me from the first day if it had been my choice. But it was not. I will tell you everything later." Khan caressed her face with his fingers, felt her soft skin, she uppermost layer shedding, rosy new skin underneath it. He bowed his head and kissed her lips softly, closing his eyes and relishing the feeling of wholeness. "I did miss you so much I felt, day in, day out, as if my heart would break," he said when he finally let go.

Neera put her arm around his waist and squeezed with surprising strength. "I am here. You do not ever have to feel like that again, Noon. I suspect you have done terrible things in the meantime, I can see it in your eyes. I can sense there's blood on your hands. The sadness, pyaare, I can see it. It pains me to see you like this. They should never have woken us separately." She looked down at their hands, with such a sad expression that it almost broke Khan's heart over again.

He wiped her cheeks, even though there were no tears. "Don't be sad, my lovely. Everything will be alright. I promise. First, you have to regain your strength. And we will talk."

"Yes, we will talk," she said, with a voice full of foreboding.

"Can she come with me, doctor?" Khan asked politely. He’d take her with him anyway.

"Well, I doubt she'll be strong enough to walk..."

Neera swung her legs over the side of the bed and tried to stand. Khan was on his feet in an instant to help her, but she stood, a little shaking, but nonetheless alone.

"Muscular atrophy is uncommon among Augments, doctor," Khan explained smugly. "It happens, but not in the way it does for you."

“Well, I’d really like to run a few more tests…”

“Doctor. I would appreciate the privacy with her to tell her all the things that need telling.” Khan looked at McCoy, willing him to understand. “She can come here for your tests. Let her go with me. There's much to discuss."

McCoy stepped close to her. Both of the Augments tensed a bit, but the doctor did not let that bother him, and scanned Neera with a tricorder. "Do you feel nauseous? Weak? Disoriented?"

She shook her head. "Not any more. I feel my body work on everything. I'm just very hungry. But I want to be alone with my Khan."

Khan squeezed her shoulder and looked up to the doctor. "We have things to discuss. If she feels unwell, I will call you. But she needs the comfort of familiar arms more than constant medical attention. We were made so we can cope without."

"If you think she's stable enough...mentally, I mean, then, yes, she can go, she was sedated for a few days more than strictly necessary to make her body adapt, and if I see her progress now...with your permission, captain." The doctor looked at Jim.

Khan let his gaze wander to those blue eyes. "Kirk?"

The young captain seemed to ponder the question, then he nodded. "Take her with you. She looks stable enough. She actually looks much better than minutes ago. The quirks of being genetically engineered, I presume."

Khan smiled and nodded. "Indeed, captain."

The man got up and held his arm out for his wife, who took it carefully, and took a few steps. Khan snickered.

"Your boots, my love. Don't forget them."

"Oh..." Neera looked down where soft, Starfleet-issued leather boots stood waiting for her. "Do I have to wear them? I want to feel my surroundings. You know I hate shoes, anyway. And this uniform is...restricting." She made an unhappy face, and Khan had the sudden wish, just like in the old days, to give her whatever she wanted. He had almost forgotten the feeling.

"You can go barefoot, if you want. And you don't have to wear the uniform, you are not part of the crew," Khan explained softly. His eyes darted towards James, to confirm his assumptions, and luckily, the man nodded wordlessly. "I can carry you, too, if you like," Khan  smirked.

Neera straightened herself to her full - not inconsiderable - height and glared at Khan for his insolence. Of course, the Augment remained calm and smiled.

"I will not be carried. Take me to our quarters," Neera ordered, and the others watching them could finally see the royalty in her.

"As you wish, my queen."

Khan bowed a little and led her away, still carefully watching his spouse for signs of weakness. He knew how it felt to wake up, but she had had two days of recovery time already. She should be alright.

People stared almost unashamedly at the two Augments as they went back to their quarters. Amidst the mixed crewmembers, flawed, human, average, the genetically engineered couple, tall, athletic, with their almost white complexions, radiantly blue eyes and nearly black hair, they stood out, and people _gandered_. Khan tried to hold back a snarl. Nobody looked at his queen like that! But Neera laid a hand on his arm and soothed him wordlessly. How he had missed this symbiosis. Without her awake, he would have been furious inwardly with nothing to hold him back. So he lifted his head proudly and ignored the humans as well as he could.

Khan opened the door for Neera and led her inside, sitting her on the bed. She did not lose any time.

"Tell me what happened to you." Her melodic voice was strained and earnest.

"You should eat and drink first, my love."

"Then order me some food, but tell me while I eat."

Khan nodded. "As you wish."

He went to the replicator and ordered some light food for Neera on a tray that he brought to her and put it on the bed. She took some fruit and put it in her mouth, obviously sceptic at first because of the machine, but she seemed satisfied with the taste after a second. She looked at him expectantly, and Khan, knowing she would not let him off the hook, began to tell her the whole story.

"I was woken three years ago, in 2258, by a man named Admiral Marcus. He had found our ship and taken us into custody. I alone was revived. He knew who he had before him and threatened me to do his bidding or he'd kill you all. I worked for him for many months under dire conditions, developing a warship and countless other technical toys for him to enjoy. After a time I learned what his big plan was. He wanted war with an alien race named the Klingons. They are a race of fighters and hold up honour as the greatest good, they are savage, and dangerous. But despite the tension between Terrans and Klingons, they did not attack for a long time. Admiral Marcus wanted to be the first to strike before it was too late, and he wanted me to develop weapons for him, weapons that were so powerful that he could win this war in an instant. I refused, naturally. I thought he would punish me as he always did, but this time, he went hin and threatened me to switch off one of the tubes." Khan looked down at his hands. This was the moment he would rather have postponed. He did not know how to continue. But Neera felt his distress.

"Noon, I can feel your sorrow...who was it?" Her voice shook. She had stopped eating.

Khan looked up at her and took her hands in his.

Even though he had said nothing yet, Neera gasped in pain and held her hand before her eyes. Tears streamed down her face. "Oh no...no, Noonien, please tell me no!"

Khan put his arms around her shaking frame. "Steel your heart and share my sorrow. Our princess is dead, my love. He killed her. And it is my fault. I underestimated him even after all the things he did to me. I could not stop him."

Neera sobbed a few times, and then let out a terrible wail of terror and sorrow. Khan held her and wept on her shoulder silently.

They sat like this for a long time until either of them moved beyond the sobs that shook the former queen, and Khan trying to hold her still. "I am so sorry, love," he whispered in her ear, over and over again.

After a while, she got herself back under control, enough so that she could speak. "It is not your fault, your reasons to deny that tyrant were justified. But...that he killed her in cold blood..."

"I avenged her. I killed him. With my own hands," he said, not without satisfaction.

She nodded weakly. "Go on."

Khan stroked her back as he continued. "As Marcus said he'd switch off more tubes if I refused him anymore, I decided to give him what he wanted. I developed weapons, not as good as I could have, but good enough to satisfy him. When he told me to make high-range torpedoes, I made a plan and tried to smuggle all of your tubes to safety inside of them. But I was discovered and escaped alone. Thinking he had killed my family, as he had always threatened he would, I sought revenge. Now free, I wanted to expose his plans as well, to save our planet from that war Marcus wanted, to redeem my work. I blew up the underground facility I had worked in and escaped by means of a beaming device that could take me wherever I wanted to go. I knew that the plan for an attack such as mine was to assemble Starfleet command in the Daystrom building in Los Angeles. I went there in a shuttle and killed some of those present there, figuring it would at least partly be revenge for what I still presumed he had done to my family."

"You killed them? Were they all as corrupt and cruel as Marcus?" Neera asked, a little shocked.

Khan shook his head. "I thought they might be. I had seen nothing but bad people since they woke me. But I was stopped. A young Starfleet officer managed to crash my shuttle and I beamed myself out before it fell, to the Klingon home world, where they could not follow me. There I licked my wounds and mourned my family in an empty province. But they still came after me. The young officer from the conference came for me, and the ship messaged me that 72 torpedoes were pointed at my head. I did not dare to hope but they told me they were advanced, high-range. I thought if there was a chance that these were mine, I had to find out. When the team of five came to get me instead of killing me on the spot as soon as they were in range, a Klingon patrol attacked them. They were outnumbered, outgunned, and would have died and I would never have gotten my answers, so killed the patrols to get to the team. The young officer was among them. I surrendered to them and he attacked me violently, beating me. It had no effect, but I learned through that that one of the men I had killed at the conference had been his friend. Even a father figure. And that he was the captain of the ship who was there to get me. You met him earlier, the blond, Kirk. He's a good man. He has honour and pride and a conscience. He is as fierce in the defence of his family as we are.

They took me into custody as a criminal, but Marcus showed up in my ship, the ship I had designed for him, named ‘Vengeance’. He told Kirk to hand me over, but he didn't. I had told him my story and he believed me, so he tried to escape to Earth to give me to the authorities for a trial. But my ship got him first, and attacked. Only because the Admiral's daughter, Carol, was on board the Enterprise, her father stopped the attack to beam her over. I met her a few times when I was in her father's custody. Or better, she saw me. I never talked to her, but later she seemed furious about her father's plans and actions. When Marcus wanted to continue his attack and destroy the Enterprise with all of its crew and mine, the weapons failed. It turned out that the chief engineer Scott, who was not aboard the Enterprise from the beginning, had snuck onto the Vengeance and manipulated the ship. He's a reasonably clever man. I work under him now. In the short time we had during that malfunction, Kirk came to me for help and we got onto the Vengeance in secret. When we got to the bridge there was some fighting, and Scott stunned me, or tried to. Their weapons have no effect on us when they are set to stun. I went down for a moment, though, because Scott stood so close. I retaliated and neutralized the team and Carol Marcus, who was still on the bridge. I killed her father, Admiral Marcus. Then I hailed the Enterprise and forced them to give me my torpedoes, where I thought the cryotubes were. They tricked me, they had removed the tubes and beamed the activated torpedoes to my ship. I sent the Enterprise's crewmembers back, and got ready to attack them. I did not want to leave an enemy at my back. But the torpedoes went off and destroyed the Vengeance partly. For the second time in a week I thought my family was dead, and I finally gave up. I was delirious with sorrow, and I wanted to die too, and take as many of them with me as possible. My ship was compromised, but I told the computer to head for Starfleet headquarters as it fell from the sky above Earth. The Enterprise had similar problems, but they could revive their engines, as it turned out through the sacrifice of Kirk, who went into the warp-core of the ship to fix it manually. I learned that only days ago. He died there, so they wanted my blood to revive him.

My ship crashed, but I still wasn't dead. I jumped from it but it had no effect, and I can tell you, my love, I hated my invincible body at that moment. The first officer, Spock, a Vulcan, another alien species, chased me on foot through Los Angeles, and finally caught me. We fought, but even though my instincts told me to keep fighting, my heart surrendered. I thought, this was a chance to die in battle, and let him defeat me. The last thing I heard was Uhura, his mate, beaming down and telling Spock that they needed me alive. I gave up fighting and he knocked me out. They revived Kirk and I had a trial and was sentenced to cryosleep again.

I thought I'd never wake again, but they woke me a good week ago and told me they wanted to do the same with my crew and try to integrate us. I was shocked to hear my crew was alive, nobody had told me when I waited for my sentence to begin. Somebody made an effort to change my sentence and also bring the authorities to decide that my crew should be woken. I cannot be sure but I think it might have been Marcus' daughter, even though I murdered her father before her eyes as he did my daughter. As I understand it, we are on a mission to find a faraway planet to settle us, out of the way, where we have little chance to resume power. I should be furious about that but I have believed my family dead too many times recently to risk them. We can adapt, we can live in peace. Without our purpose, yes, but we can live. Not like the scientists taught us. But like any other living being should, long and prosperous." Khan smiled. He knew that was the Vulcan way, and now even his warrior's mind could understand it. "So, in theory, you find me as a murderer and convicted criminal. But my sentence has been suspended, and I seem to be on probation. I work in engineering under Mr Scott, that is one condition. If I refuse their orders, it may have consequences. But I'm not a slave here, and I'm not being punished. Most of them try to be nice to me and respectful. They are not bad people, mostly. I don't trust the Vulcan, but they are a far cry from Marcus."

He waited until the woman had wrapped her head around all of those news. She was still crying silently, but the worst seemed over. Khan knew the reaction. The first pain was terrible, but the rest was silent suffering. Augments were practical, and they could not change their daughter's death. Khan held his wife close and after a few minutes of silence tried to coax more food into her, which she took greedily. He knew this, as well. Before cryo, the body had to be emptied of everything that could do harm, so the stomach and digestive tract was absolutely empty upon waking. The hunger was immense, and Neera must feel it even through the sorrow.

After she had eaten and dried her tears a little, she demanded to know more about this time, and the last 30 years. There was a file prepared for that purpose on a PADD, and Khan contented himself to lying next to her and keeping his hands on her skin as she read. It was balm to his soul and body to have her back. Only now did he realise how much he had really missed her. He let his hand glide through her hair and down her back. She was still wearing the uniform that the nurses must have put on her as soon as she was out of the tub. It was not at all what she used to wear, but it showed her body perfectly, as Starfleet uniforms mostly did. Khan had always thought they were rather revealing, but he found he sort of liked it, on her and on himself. His proud side still loved to prance and brag. But when Neera chose her new clothes, he should probably find something comfortable for himself, too. At the moment, though, he was too distracted by his wife's proximity. He knew she should recover a few more days first, he shouldn't touch her yet, and he wouldn't. But he couldn't keep his eyes and hands off her completely; his genes and his heart commanded him. From time to time she would ask questions about certain things, and he would answer to the best of his knowledge. He remained by her side the whole time, and her quiet studying reminded him of their time in the labs together, when she would come to him and they would read and study in silence.

"An interesting time," Neera said after she had read most of the files prepared for her on the PADD. "Not totally unforeseeable, though. There were two options for humanity in our time, destruction or improvement. Most has been improvement, it seems. If we forget war-mongering lunatics like Marcus."

"Please, do forget Marcus," Khan said in a hollow tone. Now that he had a new future before him, he wanted to forget Marcus and his run-ins with the law.

"I don't know if I can lead the life they chose for us, though. On some planet, like peasants. I need...challenges. I need people to care for, as you need people to rule. I need a purpose." She touched her belly and Khan knew she felt one of the most profound urges of her nature; to be a mother. No matter for whom. All her children dead, nature commanded her to have a new one. If she had people to take care of, the urge would decrease. Maybe he should talk to McCoy and Kirk and ask them to give her work that involved supporting people, maybe even children. There would be nurseries on a ship like this, wouldn't there?

He took her hand away from her womb and kissed it. "Not yet, my eternal. Let your sorrow settle. Let mine settle. We will find you some occupation that is in your nature. But don't be rash. First you should learn to live again and get stronger. Come, let's choose your clothes. I'll show you how the replicator works."

 

Neera expressed the wish to go have dinner with the others in the mess hall that night. They had talked all day and played with the replicator and added and added to Neera's information about this time whenever possible. Khan would have preferred to stay in their quarters alone with her, but Neera was a social spirit, and he could not deny her anything, so they went at the time where the head staff was supposed to have dinner. Kirk was already there and Nyota and Spock joined them a minute later. Khan sat next to Kirk, and Uhura seated herself next to Neera. Khan felt a rush of gratitude for the Bantu woman. Neera could use a friend like her.

"Hello you two. Um...Neera, right? Is it okay if I call you that?" the black woman said lively, and Khan was glad to see that Neera cracked a smile despite her gloomy mood about her daughter.

"Yes. You are...Lieutenant Uhura? And commander Spock?" Neera said in a friendly tone that did not mask her royal disposition in the slightest.

The two others did not seem to mind. They knew the tone from Khan, and Neera presented it much more friendly.

"Please, call me Nyota. I love your dress, by the way."

Oh gods, fashion. A wise topic, no matter what time a woman came from, that was for sure and certain. But he would have preferred to be spared for now. Oh well. Anything that made her happy. And it did.

"Thank you kindly," Neera smiled, radiantly, and even Spock could not help but crack a smile of his own.

Khan knew the effect, and smiled to himself proudly.

"It was as close as I could get to what I always wore in the old days. I'll have to try and get a hang of the new fashion in this century, but for now, I wanted something that felt like...home."

It was always a surprise for Khan, to see how Neera could be a loving mother, a great fighter, a passionate lover, a wise queen, and the next moment a giggling girl, talking about clothes. Nevertheless, Khan was thankful that Neera had decided on a long, flowing dress, resembling a Sari, made of several floating layers and strands of silk in many colours, ranging from yellow to orange to red and deep ruby. Her chest was wound with a white silk strand for mourning. She looked stunning, like a desert queen. She wore no jewellery and only black Kohl around her eyes. Khan had opted for his black uniform again to go to dinner, but he himself would change into a white tunic and matching cotton pants later, embroidered with silver. Neera had wanted him to wear it to dinner, but he had refused. The crew had no business seeing him like that.

While the women chatted about fashion throughout history (Khan heard a direct invitation to come to Nyota's quarters to delve into this abyss), Khan ate and talked to Kirk and McCoy about the schedule for the other awakenings.

"We will have to see how fast she adapts and then we can plan ahead."

Khan threw a pointed glance at Nyota and Neera. "Doctor, they're talking about shoes and make-up and how to manipulate a replicator into making both perfect. I'd say she adapted quite quickly. Besides, we are made to adapt rapidly, and the file was helpful."

"That is good to hear," Spock announced as he sat down opposite Khan, having left his original seat next to the women.

"Is their topic too boring for you, Vulcan?"

"I take delight in their bond, but not in the subject. Fashion is a concept Vulcans do not fully understand."

"As don’t most male Terrans, Commander, don't worry," Khan answered in a relaxed, almost joking tone.

"I cannot help but notice the considerable change that has come over you, commander."

"Commander Spock, I think we both know what it means to have a woman who is the light of your life. When she is not with you, your mood is cold. When she is with you, her laughter makes you a better man. Am I right? Maybe you would not say it like that. But I know you feel like that. Imagine your feelings increased by a hundredfold. Imagine that your wellbeing, your disposition towards life and living things, the control of your aggressions, rest with her. Imagine she is taken from you, frozen, almost dead, imagine you think her dead for weeks and months. That is how you found me. Frozen-hearted. It's spring in my heart, commander, for the first time in 260 years. And certainly for the first time since you have met me. Of course I seem different to you. I am. I am whole now. I told you, Augments do not function properly on their own. We survive. But we are miserable and irritable and dangerous."

"I get it," Kirk cut in, grinning. "You're actually just a big, misunderstood fluff ball."

"Captain, really!" Khan said with a false growl of indignation. "I am not! I am as deadly as ever. But I cannot deny that I am drunk on the feeling of being with her again. I will go back to my grumpy habits soon, do not worry."

"No, please, it's entertaining to see Khan in love." The boy was having way too much fun, really.

"I am not 'in love', captain. That sounds as if it is something new. I have my love back. The one who belongs to me."

Khan felt a hand on his shoulder and turned his head to look into Neera's blue eyes that showed the same brown-reddish pinprick he himself had. Neera smiled at him, leaned over and kissed him softly.

“ _Meree jindagee tumhaaree vajah se adbhut hai_ ,” she said.

“What was that?” McCoy asked, looking at Uhura, but even she seemed to be clueless.

“What did you say?” she asked her new friend.

Neera looked at Khan expectantly and he smiled.

“She said, ‘My life is wonderful because of you’. As is mine, _pyara. Tum mere lie sab kuchh ho_. _Main tumase bahut pyaar karata hu_ ,” Khan answered and kissed her cheek.

“You are my everything. I love you so much,” Neera translated without waiting for Nyota’s question.

The two mates kissed again, longer this time.

Khan could virtually see the others reacting. Most of them still had the rather gloomy picture of the murderer and terrorist in their head. Kissing and being kissed and exchanging lover’s vows was not something they associated with Khan. Tiny minds.

McCoy cleared his throat after a few seconds. "No snogging at the dinner table."

The round laughed and even Khan couldn't suppress a grin when he opened his eyes again. Neera had leaned into the crook of Khan's arm and fixed the doctor with her stare.

"Are you jealous, Dr McCoy?" she smiled. Khan knew that smile. He had been right. She liked the doctor. McCoy, of course, was flabbergasted by her attention and smile.

"Of course not!" he managed to say, and then fell silent because her smile widened. Khan touched her shoulder and pulled her towards his chest a little to signal her to hold back a bit.

"Lusting after my mate, doctor?" he murmured, and the poor physician gasped in indignation and guilt.

"Please!" the man huffed and got up to flee.

Khan laughed. "Sit down, doctor, please. There's no need to deny it. We were made this way. Relax. I won't bite you if you look at her that way."

"I would have thought you the jealous type, you of all people," McCoy grumbled, not sitting down again. “And I’ll never really believe you don’t bite.”

"I explained it to you."

"You explained it to ME," Kirk interrupted.

Khan rolled his eyes and groaned. "If anyone else missed this piece of information: monogamous relationships are not for Augments."

"At that rate we'll have the whole crew compromised by the time they are all awake," McCoy remarked.

"Possible, doctor," Neera said, with a little more restraint this time.

"Come, my love. Let's not unsettle them even more. It was a long day. Let's return to our rooms."

Neera nodded. She and Nyota traded cheek-kisses, after some shy smiles from both sides, and the Augment woman waved everyone goodnight.

 

Back in their quarters, the couple talked about the experience and the people Neera had met.

"Kirk...he fancies you." It was not a question.

"Apparently so. We are alike in some respects," Khan answered calmly as he slipped out of his uniform and into his new white casual clothes.

"You want him, too. You are lovers." Not a question either.

"We could be. We probably will be. But I wanted to have you back first. It did not feel right to bed him while you were on the point of returning to me."

Neera smiled and slipped out of her dress. Her white silk undergarments shimmered in the dimmed light. Khan felt his pulse begin to race.

"I am happy that you waited for me, my love. Did you really have nobody for three years?"

"Not all of my time awake was happy. The torturous life in Section 31 was so bad that I could not even think about my own lust. And I was too appalled by Marcus'...methods to think about that."

"What did he do to you?" Neera asked, her voice shaking again. Khan did not hold back. This was Neera. Shame was nothing he knew with her.

"He took me against my will. Forced me to comply by threatening to kill you all. He started coming to my bed at night. That was after he murdered Neha, so I was convinced he would keep his word this time and kill more. I couldn't refuse him."

Neera nodded, visibly shaken, as such things had not happened since their childhood when the Augment children's overseers had abused a few of them. Khan had been among those few, so when Marcus did it, it was not new, but actually worse nonetheless. Because when he was a child, he had been weaker, he could not fight back, respectively, he had been taught not to fight back, or he would have been punished, and the only thing he had had to sacrifice was a little dignity. With Marcus, it had been a much more dangerous game. Had he refused him, his family would have been punished, and his humiliation was worth the safety of his people. The old man's vile hands on his body...Khan still shivered at the thought. Marcus would not deserve to lick the ground under his feet, let alone touch and invade his perfect body. But he was dead. Khan should leave it behind. When he looked at his beautiful wife, by now completely naked and on her way into the shower, he thought it might be easier than he had feared. He was used to violence, against himself and others. But when he was with Neera, everything fell into place.

He was halfway into the bathroom when he stopped himself and turned around. This was the first evening with her. He would not pressure her only because he had had only a minimum amount of carnal pleasure in this century. If she wanted it herself...well...he could not refuse her anything after all.

Due to her long rest, Neera was in no mood for sleep. Khan was not as tired as he could have been, but his mind was exhausted from the day's events. So when Neera crawled onto the bed after her shower, Khan was dozing in a half-meditative state.

" _Priy_? Are you still awake?"

"My queen is not lying with me yet, how could I be asleep?" Khan asked back without opening his eyes.

Neera curled up next to her husband, who put an arm around her shoulder.

"Computer, lights off," he ordered, and the computer plunged them into total darkness. The only lights were the stars outside.

"It is such a strange feeling, waking up and being here."

"And why is that, my moon and stars?"

"Because it feels like I went to bed yesterday, after we escaped, and woke up today after a very long night. It feels so close still, our past. It feels like the attack on the palace happened yesterday, yet I know that more than 260 years have passed, and three more for you where you missed me. Yet for me it is only a night away. And so many horrible things have transpired while I slept."

Khan tightened his hold on her shoulders and turned them both over, scooting them down so that they lay back to front in the middle of the bed, with Khan's body curling around Neera's.

"Noon?"

"Yes my heart?"

"You want to spare me because you think I'm still weak. But I need you. If only to ease the pain. And I know you need it too."

"I can wait, my dearest."

"You do not have to prove anything, Noon, you know that. I'm strong. And if I don't feel like I'm up to it, you will know anyway."

Khan smiled into his wife's neck, his nose in her damp hair. "Is my queen ordering me to do my duties as a consort?"

"Very much so, my highness."

Khan chuckled at her dry tone and started stroking her bare skin from her collarbone to her hips and back.

"Then I shall not disappoint you, my highness."

Khan rolled her over, so that she was lying on her back, and kissed her fervently, as he hadn't kissed her in...well, 265 years, actually. For a moment, he felt blessed that he could have this, after everything he had endured in the last few years, all the pain, all the sorrow, all the humiliation, all the blood and fighting, and now...now he was lying here, in this quiet room, nothing but the sound of the ship's engines to disrupt the silence of space. He wasn't a prisoner or a slave anymore, the only corn of salt in the wound were the implants, but he could go, at least on this ship, wherever he wanted to go, he had a future with his people, albeit one he would have to talk about with the captain. He had his Neera in his arms, and kissed her even harder for the sheer luck and good fortune that had finally brought him here. His inner lion purred like thunder as he shifted to straddle Neera's hips and lie down on her soft body. This was home. No matter how far away he was from the soil of his homeland, Neera was all the home he needed. He felt her racing heartbeat, her stirring body, smelled her arousal. He ground his body into hers, and she moaned. Oh how he had missed this sound!

Normally, he would have taken his time with her, but he knew that neither of them wanted to wait.  As though she wasn't sure if their bond did not show her impatience enough, Neera wrapped her legs around Khan's hips and pulled him closer, so that his prominent erection pressed against her own arousal, and started moving. A groan of pleasure escaped Khan's lips. She knew how to make him weak, and this was one of the only weaknesses he welcomed gladly. He pulled free of her hold, and  ground against her once more, harder this time, until he stilled for a second to hear Neera's cry of protest, only to sheathe himself inside of his wife. Both of them moaned with pleasure, but Khan did not give the woman time to get her bearings, and she did not want it, either. With fluid motions, he started to pound into her, increasing his speed and fervour. A human woman would have been in pain from his hard, almost cruel thrusts, but Neera's shouts were not from pain but want for more. She clawed at his back, and where human nails would have left a red mark that lasted a minute, her strong, hard ones left bleeding scratches that stung when sweat from Khan's back got into the wounds. Khan cried out, unashamed, and gripped the headboard, trying not to damage it with his firm grip. Using his position for leverage, the Augment worked his hips in a feverish rhythm like a beast that was finally off the leash. He was panting, his dark hair hung down in black streaks, some plastered to his forehead with sweat. His animal instincts told him this female was his, his own!

'Mine!' it screamed, 'mine!' A deep, dominant growl sounded from his chest as he bucked into the woman's body. She was so soft, and yet so strong. Her cries of lust echoed in his ears as she thrashed underneath him and scratched him bloody. He did not mind. Every drop of his blood was hers, anyway.

Khan felt the heat coil in his loins and knew he would not last much longer. Instead of slowing down, he opened his mind and soul to her, pouring his feelings into her with a kiss, and she bucked into him as the heat flowed through her. Her nails dug into the back of his neck and she bit his lip hard with her sharp teeth as she came violently. Feeling her body fall apart beneath him and tasting his own blood on his lips, Khan gave in to the fire racing through his veins with a fierce roar.

 

They lay together, panting, sweating, their foreheads touching, their lips caressing each other. Khan's heartbeat was slowing already. This had been what he needed. Blind rage coupled with endless love. That was, after all, what they were, what he was.

"I love you, my queen." The words had a strange ring of finality in the silence of the room.

"And I you, my king."

The lovers disentangled slowly. Suddenly, Khan's body felt as if it was filled with lead. He had not felt this exhaustion in a long time, but it was good.

Neera got up as soon as Khan let himself fall to the side, and went into the bathroom again to clean up under the spray for a minute. Khan did not want to move, but he felt sticky and his dislike for feeling unclean drove him into the shower with Neera. While they washed each other with bare hands stroking down the other one's skin, they remained silent. Despite the stinging in the healing cuts on his back and arms, Khan felt peaceful and calm. Balanced. Neera was his balance.

Clean and dry and warm, the two Augments crawled back into bed, avoiding the damp spot in the middle of the mattress.

"My sun?" Neera said after a while, only a moment before Khan would have fallen asleep.

"Yes, my night?"

"I feel hollow. The pain is gone, mostly, but I still want a child. And why not? We are not in danger. You must feel it. All our children gone, we have a...responsibility."

"I know your body commands you to have a child again. But can it not wait?" In Khan’s opinion, it was far too soon to think about a new child.

"Why would you wait?"

"Why would you rush? We do not get old like humans. We have all the time we want."

"But I want one. I miss being a mother. You know it is part of who I am." Her voice sounded pleading.

"You went decades without your first one," Khan reminded her.

"Yes, but these were uncertain times. Please, Noon, why would you deny me the feeling? We are alone again, doesn't it pain you?"

"Having you with me again was more than I had dared to hope for. You are enough for me at the moment. This is a decision your genes make for you at the moment. When you can make it with your heart, then I will yield. Do not rush this decision like a human would. I know you feel lonely without a child, having been a mother for over fourty years, but give your soul some time to heal, my love. Please? You are riddled with grief. Even our hearts and minds are not safe when it comes to grief."

Neera hesitated and buried deeper into Khan's arms.

"You are right," she said after a minute, and Khan heard the doubt in her tone. She wanted to believe it, she knew, rationally, that he was right, but her nature was still whispering in her head, whispering that she ought to be a mother. Khan kissed her forehead ever so gently.

"Sleep, my love, and heal, and tomorrow, I will talk to the captain that he gives you something to do. Someone to take care of."

Neera nodded into his shoulder, and Khan stroked her back, his arms still stinging a little. Before he fell asleep, Khan thought how extraordinary it was to have her with him again, the only woman on Earth who could break his thick skin so easily, and how much he loved her.

 

 

The next few days flew by in a bliss that seemed almost unreal to Khan. The captain had consented that Neera should join the small nursery next to the Med Bay, where children of all ages could mingle as long as their parents were on duty. At first, Khan feared it would make her wish for a child of her own only stronger, but she seemed to do better and heal quicker when she was doing what she had been made to do. Khan himself continued to work in engineering and discovered that he liked 'Scotty' and his friend Keenser a lot. One could talk with the man about the most complicated technical things, Scotty always knew an answer or a different angle. The biggest surprise might have been Keenser. The Roylan did not say much, and yet he was the cause of Khan's continuous good mood at work. As Scotty gathered more faith in the Augment, he gave him bigger tasks and let him work on the warp core, transporter system and energy controls. Khan could have manipulated the ship easily. Yet he didn't. His instinct to protect the rest of his family was still strong, but they were in no immediate danger, in fact, they had never been so close to being with him again.

Sometimes, a brooding mood came over Khan, and he wondered about his future. He would not settle on some faraway planet to lead the life of a peasant. And he knew that the rest of the Augments would not like this lifestyle, either. They were leaders, they were teeming with energy. To live on some godforsaken planet would not only be a waste of potential, it was almost impossible. It was like trying to put seventy alpha wolves into a cage and hope they would live in peace and harmony. There was a reason they had spread out over the entire Earth in their time. They were made to rule, made to lead, or at least to guide. They needed to be involved. Khan would have to talk that over with Kirk and probably Starfleet command. Yes, they had been convicted as criminals in their time. But that sentence was almost 300 years old, and it had been passed by their enemies. For the winning party, it was always so easy to show themselves as the righteous ones and the defeated as criminals, tyrants, dictators, murderers. But most of the Augments had not deserved what they got. In this time, none of them had done any wrong, most of them not even in the old times, and by all means, if their sentence had been prison, 250 years were more than anyone could expect from them, was it not?

As long as they were all still asleep, Khan was responsible for them. But once awake, any of them should be able to go where they wanted? Would it not be fair to let them choose a new home world, individually? Starfleet wanted them far away, where they could do no harm, and Khan could understand the idea behind that. They wanted to neutralise potentially dangerous creatures.

But, as humans tended to forget, Khan's people were just that - people. They were made of flesh and blood, stronger, better, but half human, they had feelings and dreams, wants and needs, not any more dangerous than any other alien species Starfleet had found out there. For the first time in their life, did they not have a right to finally decide what they really wanted to do with their lives? All the time and preparation, the training, everything had been a fixed deal before they could all walk. But now there was nobody to push them on the throne. Khan liked a throne. But not all of his brothers and sisters were like him. He remembered sweet, sweet Caroline, who loved nothing more than tending to plants and animals. As a female Augment, it was in her DNA to care for things, but she had never liked being a leader's wife, as Neera did. All she had ever seemed to want was to live in the lush forests of the northern hemisphere and live on the things she gathered. Her consort was similar, and they had never been the leaders they were supposed to be. There were some more examples of this. After all, Earth had not needed fifty Augments to rule its countries. What had Caroline and Sasha done? Nothing. They might feel at home on such a lonely planet, working the earth, but certainly not all of them. Khan had to make sure they would not be dumped on that planet whether they wanted it or not. Hopefully, he could rely on James and his crew to back this. They would, wouldn't they? Even the Vulcan way told to live long and prosper. Khan and others of his kind would not prosper as peasants.

James would help him. This time, politics would have to do what sheer force would only make worse. Khan knew that James could be counted as compromised because he and Khan were lovers. But nobody really knew about that, and James had shown that his attraction to the Augment would not prevent him from being strict with him as his captain if need be. James had a conscience and a good heart, he was just, he would help him, he would not watch Starfleet dump them like radioactive waste as soon as he understood Khan's point. And he would.


	9. How can I move thee?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Khan brings forward his plea for the council, and after, spends some quality time with Jim. A last bit of teasing.

The fifth day after Neera had opened her eyes again, Khan asked Kirk for a meeting, alone. Kirk initially grinned, but Khan shook his head almost imperceptibly and made an earnest face, so Kirk knew he was up to something important. The captain heard him in the conference room. When he learned that Khan wanted to make a plea to the High Council, Kirk told Khan he would record the conversation, and Khan agreed enthusiastically.

"So you want me to help you change your sentence?" Kirk asked.

Khan leaned back in his chair "I want a voice in this. They never cared to hear the whole story, and I want to tell it. I have a right to be heard, don’t you think?”

Kirk nodded. “But many don’t want to listen to you.”

“I know.” Khan took a deep breath. “There are wise words that fit this situation, written hundreds and hundreds of years ago. And I want to plead with the Council to consider them.” Khan took another deep breath. Kirk nodded for Khan to go on.

“’Am I to be thought the only criminal, when all humankind sinned against me? I, the miserable and the abandoned, am an abortion, to be spurned at, and kicked, and trampled on. Even now my blood boils at the recollection of this injustice. But it is true that I am a wretch. I have murdered the lovely and the helpless.’ High Council,” Khan said, addressing the recording device and thus the court directly, “I will not deny that I deserve some punishment. But what about the things that have been done to me? The reasons for my deeds? Your court seems to forget what I have been through, although I doubt that any of you know about it. I have faced torture of any kind you can imagine, at the hands of a Starfleet Admiral. It may have been inofficial, but he was an Admiral nonetheless. Do you want to deny that he abused me and murdered my daughter to force me to comply? I did what I did for good reasons. And my genes are one more reason; I did exactly as I am programmed to do. Or is it that Starfleet does not see me as human? As an individual with breaking points? Do you see me as a monster?"

Kirk shook his head, maybe forgetting for a moment that it was not him that the question was directed to. "You're not a monster..."

"But they want to see me as one. It is easier. 'All men hate the wretched; how, then, must I be hated, who am miserable beyond all living things! I entreat you to hear me before you give vent to your hatred on my devoted head. Have I not suffered enough, that you seek to increase my misery? Life, although it may only be an accumulation of anguish, is dear to me, and I will defend it. Remember, thou hast made me more powerful than thyself. I am thy creature, and I will be even mild and docile if thou wilt also perform thy part, the which thou owest me. I ought to be thy Adam, but I am rather the fallen angel, whom thou drivest from joy. Everywhere I see bliss, from which I alone am irrevocably excluded. I was benevolent and good; misery made me a fiend. Make me happy, and I shall again be virtuous. Will no entreaties cause thee to turn a favourable eye upon thy creature, who implores thy goodness and compassion? Believe me, I was benevolent; my soul glowed with love and humanity; but am I not alone, miserably alone? Let your compassion be moved, and do not disdain me. Listen to my tale; when you have heard that, abandon or commiserate me, as you shall judge that I deserve. But hear me. The guilty are allowed, by human laws, bloody as they are, to speak in their own defence before they are condemned. You accuse me of murder, and yet you would, with a satisfied conscience, destroy your own creature'"

Kirk looked at Khan, only blinking rapidly, and stopped the record for a moment.

"Is that your plea?"

"Only the plea to listen, I will tell my whole story in a moment. And do you even know what 'that' is, Kirk?"

"No. That is what I've been asking myself. What the hell was that? Your love for pompous, ornate speeches?"

Khan flashed a smile in James’ direction and told him with a head gesture to go on with the recording process. "That was Frankenstein. In this part, the monster entreats Frankenstein, his creator, to stop and think about what existence is like for him. Frankenstein only wants to see the ugly creature, supposedly only capable of hatred and murder. But he does not want to take into account what made the creature like this. I've always felt a kind of bond towards that creature. Made by man to be superior, but feared and hated for it all the same, hunted even. Every other human being would get a chance to prove they can be good. We were exiled once, because we were feared, because we did what we had been created to do. It is like punishing a dog for biting a man who hurt his master. Now Starfleet wants us to settle in a place where most of us will not be happy. What have they done to Starfleet? Will they imprison us in a place where we will be miserable, maybe for all eternity, and even slap each other's shoulders because they think themselves so benevolent? My people are not prisoners, and if they are, by what right, I ask you? They want to give us a place of our own, but what if we only want to live among all the other beings in space? This is a new century. I cannot speak for all of my crew, but I can speak for myself, and I am not peasant stock. Think, Kirk, you escaped the endless fields of America, a life as a rube, to go to Starfleet. Could you sentence me to a life like the one you left behind? Me and all my family, who have committed no crimes at all? That is called clan liability."

Khan grabbed Kirk's hand. The young man started, but Khan held it firmly in his grip. "Kirk, I do not want my people to survive. I want them to LIVE! I worked tirelessly for their freedom. To be imprisoned on a planet, knowing what is out there, is not the freedom I wanted for them. I want Starfleet to let them go, to leave them alone. We are not slaves, and not their responsibility! We are not assets they can treat as they wish. For the first time in our three hundred years of existence, I want them to be free to do what they like! Yes, we can be dangerous. But many things in the universe can be dangerous. But punish us for the crimes we commit, not for who we are! That is my plea. And treat my crimes separately. But even humans should be able to understand that I saw no other way at the time I did any of those things." Khan paused. "Except the attack on Daystrom. It was revenge, fuelled by grief, but revenge nonetheless. Even though my sentence has already been changed, I will still take full responsibility for that. I am thankful for the first change, but in my opinion, the sentence is still not just. I do not know what made them let me go so relatively easily, but if it alters the fate of my people I will gladly die if need be. But might I remind you and everyone else of Terran law paragraph 3? 'Every consciously thinking being shall only be judged by taking all of its individual circumstances and all possible facts into account.' We were created as superhumans, to use that horrible word, weapons and leaders, and part of a pair that guarantees maximum efficiency. I do not think your court judged me as such. But you should know the truth now. So I plead that they rethink my sentence and drop the non-existent charges against my people and let them go free as they ought."

Kirk nodded. “Tell your story, from the very beginning when Admiral Marcus woke you. Every detail, every situation that can help us understand why you did what you did.”

And Khan did, he told everything he had already told the Enterprise’s crew here and there, about the torturous living conditions, the blackmail, the abuse, his escape, his fears that his family was dead, the bombing of the archive and the attack on Daystrom, the flight and his time on the Enterprise, even anything he remembered from Starfleet prison afterwards and the so-called trial.

After Khan had signalled Kirk that he was finished, the captain ended the recording.

"That was brilliant, Khan."

The Augment nodded.

"Thank you. Will they listen?"

"They will. We will make them listen. I understand your point and so will they. They cannot say no to that. You are in the right and they must know."

Khan cocked his head. " James, I wanted to tell you something else, for what feels a long time now, but it is actually only a few days."

Khan got up and sat down on the table in front of Kirk, who gazed up at him with a questioning look.

"I wanted to ask your forgiveness, even though I know you cannot give it. I just said all my actions were more or less justified or understandable, provoked, or the desperate deeds of a man who knew no other way. Except Daystrom. I talked to McCoy. I know one of the men was your friend and mentor. At the time, I thought all of them corrupt, since Marcus was my only reference, and I was riddled with grief for the family I thought I had lost. But I know the attack was wrong, and I am sorry for your loss. I am sorry I caused you such grief." Khan lifted a hand and combed through Kirk's blond hair, not in a dominant way as he had done before, but friendly and gentle. His hand came to rest on the side of Kirk's neck. "I am truly sorry, James. Even if I am cleared of all other charges, I will forever be in your debt for that, and I will always deserve punishment for what happened there. And I feel my punishment in this case is your privilege."

Kirk cocked his head, effectively leaning into  Khan's hand.

"I can't forgive you for that."

"I know."

"You killed Pike. You also saved my life. I ordered Scotty to shoot you in the back after you had saved my life only minutes earlier in this field of debris when my display crashed. This might mean we are even."

"I crippled your ship so that you had to die to save it. _Then_ I saved your life," Khan explained in a patient tone.

"You also saved all our lives on Qo’noS."

"You came for me. Had it not been for me, you would not have needed saving."

"You want forgiveness, and you hate debts, am I right?"

Khan nodded.

"Well, you will have no forgiveness and you will be in my debt forever, even more so if I help you to win this court case. That is all the punishment you will get from me."

Khan almost expected Kirk to add a kinky comment, but he remained earnest, which showed only how serious he was. The Augment nodded.

"I thank you, Captain."

"You are welcome, Commander." Kirk leaned back, finally smiling up at Khan. For some reason, Khan was relieved that James could still smile at him after this.

"How is your wife doing? All going well?"

Khan nodded. "Very well, captain. I told you we were made to adapt quickly."

"So she's not having difficulties? Social or physical?"

"No, sir."

Kirk's eyes widened for a moment, and his face looked...greedy?

"I like the sound of that."

Khan grinned and moved his hand up to Kirk's hair again, this time caressing. "You mean me calling you 'sir'? Is that what you want?"

Kirk hesitated for a moment before wordlessly bringing his hands from where they had rested on his own thighs up to Khan's legs. Carefully, he caressed their outside, slipping them up to the Augment's hips. Both men were very much aware of the situation; the dominant, dark man on the table like a panther, ready to pounce, the young lion slightly beneath him, his hands not four inches from the stronger man's groin.

"Careful, sir," Khan purred in his lowest voice. It made Jim shiver visibly. Khan's grin got broader. "If you think I am going to submit to you, you're wrong. But I know you want to submit to me. Even though you'd love me beneath you. Don't you? Sir?" Khan said, taking Jim's chin between thumb and index finger and holding it up, mocking him with the respectful address. "If we weren't in the conference room, I might think you are trying to seduce me, what with your hands on my hips and your face so close to my privates. Anyone could come in at any given moment, and see us."

Kirk gasped and his hands on Khan's hips tightened a little.

"And relationships with your crew are not wanted, am I right, sir? And you surely wouldn't ignore the rules? Would you?" The Augment's hand in the captain's hair was not all that soft now, he pulled the man towards him almost imperceptibly. Khan tried to keep the balance between dominance and playing respectful for his captain. Jim was panting slightly, and Khan could hear his racing heart.

"Would you report me, Commander?" Jim asked cockily, and leaned a little closer to Khan's crotch, still careful, as if he expected Khan to push him away at the last second.

"You might like to try to convince me not to, sir," Khan retorted and casually laid a hand on the fastenings of his trousers.

Forgetting his caution, Kirk leaned in and placed a kiss on Khan's right inner thigh, then on the left, and continued his ministration upwards. He kept his mouth closed, not leaving any traces, but it still felt nice through the fabric, and was totally unexpected for the Augment. When Kirk finally mouthed at the still hidden length through his black trousers, Khan let out an appreciative humming sound.

"Captain," he hissed, and finally opened his flies for the younger man. “Go on. Take what you want.”

Jim’s fingers were pulling on Khan’s underpants a second later. Even though the Augment said those sweet things it was still clear who was in control. Kirk could take what he wanted, because Khan let him. The younger man freed Khan’s hard length and began to lick it greedily, covering it in saliva before he took it whole and sucked it fervently. Khan was enraptured. His fingers laced into the blond, short hair of his captain and held him in place while he bucked carefully into the man’s hot mouth. His position allowed him only shallow thrusts, but he didn’t want it to be too much for the young man, anyway.

“James!” he rasped. “By all the Gods, you feel so perfect! Use your tongue, go on,” he instructed, all pretence and games forgotten for a moment. Jim reacted to the praise with even more commitment to his task and rolled his tongue against the thick shaft as far as he could move it at all; Khan was not small by any means.

“Oh Captain, really, what if any of your officers came in now and saw this? I don’t think you sucking cock is a sight any of them has beheld before, am I right? Filthy, really filthy, Captain.” Khan kept whispering obscene things, making Kirk dizzy; the Augment could hear the captain’s heart leap every time Khan’s words registered with him, and the motions got sloppier by the minute as Kirk had problems with his concentration.

“Can you take it even deeper, James?” Khan asked and gently pulled Jim’s head back by his hair.

Jim coughed and swallowed his excess saliva before answering in an almost hurt tone that made Khan smile involuntarily. “I don’t think so! You’re quite big and I have trouble breathing and opening my mouth wide enough as it is!”

Khan chuckled. “And you still want that up your ass?” he purred, still smiling, and stroking Jim's hair again.

“Hell yeah I want it! And I don’t want to wait any longer! You said you wanted your wife first and that’s fine, but...”

“Tsk, too many words, captain.” Khan shoved Kirk’s head down again, but stilled before the tip breached the young man’s lips. “Go on, James, and I’ll tell you something that will please you.”

A little unwilling, Jim opened his mouth again and Khan guided him down until the man’s fingers pressing into Khan’s thighs signalled it was enough. The blond began sucking him once more, and Khan resumed his talking, his voice growing more ecstatic with every flick of Jim’s tongue.

“I said I would have my wife first, and I had. I’ve taken her the first night, and the night after that, and the night after that. The first night, I fucked her like a beast, without holding back. The other nights, I made love to her, slowly and passionately, before ravishing her again. I can and will do both with you, James. Tonight if you want.”

The news made Kirk stop his caresses for a moment and Khan used the chance to pull out of Kirk’s mouth.

“You surely didn’t think I would take you here? I told you, there’s a time and place for these things, and the place is your bed, and the time is tonight, if you like.”

"You're giving me a choice?" Kirk said, leaning into the caresses of Khan's elegant fingers like a cat.

"Of course I'm giving you a choice, why wouldn't I?" Khan frowned.

"I don't know, maybe because you're a control freak?" the young man grinned.

Khan's frown deepened. "Did you think I would just come to you and take you, whether you wanted it or not? I'm not..." Khan didn't want to say his name, but Jim obviously caught on, because he got up from his seat and stepped between Khan's legs, pulling up the man's underwear discreetly in the movement. His gaze was apologetic.

"No, I didn't mean it like that, Khan, I'm sorry." The young man wrapped his arms around Khan’s muscular torso, very gently and very carefully, as if he was half afraid that the other man would lash out. But the Augment only continued to frown at the captain.

"Then how did you mean it?"

"Are you honestly pouting, Khan? Look, I didn't mean anything by it, it just sounded so much kinder than usual, you saying that you'd come round tonight if I wanted. I thought you'd state that as a fact, demonstrating your dominance and all that. It's not unusual for you to do what you want, you know."

Khan looked away from Jim, out of the window. He felt...torn? He never felt torn! Yes, he had bullied James sexually in the past, a little, but he had never seen himself as the likes of Marcus. He was not a rapist. He did what he did because Kirk liked it, to be pushed around in bed, or at least comparable situations. But for some reason, the surprise about Khan giving Jim a choice if he came to him tonight was...unsettling for the Augment. Even more unsettling because he hadn't expected such feelings at all.

Jim, who of course knew nothing about Khan's inner monologue, understood Khan's silence as a bad sign and took the Augment's pale face into his hands, slowly turning the man's head towards him. Khan let him and looked up at the captain, his eyes wary and questioning but otherwise not betraying any thoughts.

"Don't be mad, yeah?" Jim flashed a smile and leaned towards Khan's right ear. "Maybe I like you giving me no choice in certain situations," he whispered.

Khan's lips twitched and he wound his arms around the younger man's hips. He knew Jim meant to be nice and soothe his lover's alleged wrath. His lover to be. The Augment became aware that James was offering his lips, so Khan pressed a forgiving kiss on the captain's mouth.

"So, will you come round tonight? Commander?" he added, obviously hoping it would appease his lover further, and to Khan's surprise, it did.

He smiled at the captain and nodded. "I will."

"What will you tell...your wife?"

Khan asked himself if Kirk had ever asked any of his former partners a similar question, when the other one's relationship had not been so open.

"I'll tell her that I'm with you."

"Khan, I'm technically..."

"...not allowed to sleep with me, I'm aware, James. She won't tell. It's not her place to tell, just as it's not my place to tell her secrets, where she goes and who she sees."

"Is she seeing anyone already?" Jim asked, surprised.

But Khan shook his head. "Not my place to tell."

Kirk rolled his eyes. "Fine, then." He looked down between the two of them, still pressed together, both still half hard. "A waste. I'd really like to have a go right now."

"You're still on duty, captain. We came here for my appeal."

"Indeed, I have the feeling we did."

Khan's lips pulled up into a tiny smile. "You know perfectly what I meant, James."

"Sure, sure. I'll send the record to Starfleet command if you don't want to add anything. I'll comment it and we'll see what they do. In the meantime, whenever you think the time is right, we can wake the next of your crew."

Khan nodded. "Thank you, captain. And now I think we should both return to our stations."

"Sporting THAT?" Kirk asked and ground into the Augment's groin once.

"Then don't make it worse," Khan chided and gently pushed the younger man away from him. "I will not help you with it this time. Tonight," he said in a tone that made it clear that their moment together was over. He willed away the rest of his hard-on while he slipped off the table and zipped up his trousers. He had not even planned this little episode between them when he sat down on the table, it had been a heat-of-the-moment thing. But he was glad it had happened. He could still feel a trace of the wet, slightly sticky saliva on his privates. Khan had never been a prudish man, rather the opposite, and he liked the feeling, in moderation, to carry the proof of their almost-tryst on his body, for the rest of the day. He righted himself once more with one hand, and the gesture earned him an approving and hungry look from Jim.

"You, doing that, looks so uncharacteristic for you, and so incredibly manly. God I want you," the captain murmured, and tried to adjust himself as well. His own arousal was still slightly visible.

Khan smiled haughtily. "I'll see you tonight, captain," he said in a normal voice before leaning in as he headed for the door past Kirk. "And then I'll fuck you senseless."

Kirk groaned, and Khan slipped past the younger man towards the exit. At least he felt back on track, whatever this strange mood from a few minutes ago had been, it was gone now. The captain would probably have to stay in the conference room for a few more minutes though.

 

Dinner was an amusing affair for Khan that evening. He knew that Neera was trying to seduce McCoy as the Augment had predicted, and it was funny to watch the poor doctor trying to resist her subtle advances. The physician was a very moral man, Khan knew, a man of honour, and he obviously was also a bit shy. Maybe it was the fact that Neera was an Augment woman, or the fact that she was Khan's wife, the man who many people still treated with caution, the man who nobody wanted to anger if they liked their bones in the correct arrangement. Maybe McCoy was simply no man who flirted easily, like his friend Jim did. Neera would get the doctor in the end, and probably mess him up for a few days, if not weeks. The hardest thing to overcome for McCoy would probably be the fact that he could not really have Neera, that their relationship would go nowhere beyond sex and a very loving, close friendship, but a friendship nonetheless. Khan was glad that he didn't have that problem with Kirk; James would most likely have no problem to share Khan. He didn't seem to, anyway, not at the moment. Although, at this very moment, Kirk was not talking to Khan at all, and neither to anyone else; he was eerily silent and had eaten almost nothing.

"Is something bothering you, captain?" Spock asked politely. The Vulcan and Uhura had eaten with them every evening now, as had the others who were always at the table at dinnertime. Khan did not know whether all of them always ate together anyway, whether this was a measure to keep an eye on the Augments, or if it was simply for social reasons (in which case Uhura and not Spock was most likely the initiator).

"No, 'm alright."

"Ya do look kinda gloomy, Jim," Scotty cut in, who had joined them for dinner as well, although his shifts did not usually permit it.

"I just have a lot on my mind, guys, don't worry," the blond answered, and smiled briefly, and everyone let it go.

Khan watched the young man intently, trying to assess what the reason for his mood was. Kirk was not angry, and not really worried, but...a little nervous? Sad? Jim seemed to notice the Augment's intense stare and looked up into his eyes for a millisecond before averting his gaze again. Khan smiled. Yes, the other man was nervous. Not the reaction he had anticipated, if Khan was honest with himself, but it filled him with a certain glee. When everybody's attention was distracted by a story Neera was telling McCoy about two boys in today's nursery group, Khan put one long-fingered hand on Kirk's thigh under the table. The man started and looked up at the dark-haired man questioningly.

"On edge, James?" he whispered.

"Screw you," Jim answered, just as quietly.

"In an hour or two." Khan let go and turned his attention to his consort and the doctor who was laughing heartily with the others and looking at Neera as if she was the prettiest thing he'd ever seen. If Khan knew anything about her strategy, she'd drop by when he made his final round through the Med Bay and talk to him alone. Who knew if any of them would sleep in their bed tonight?


	10. First Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Khan and Jim have a little fight and then finally get down to it.  
> Warning! Child abuse story in the middle! I marked the actual part with lines. But Khan talks about it with James, too.

Two hours later, Khan signalled his arrival at the captain's door and gripped his hands behind his back, ramrod straight, as if standing at attention in the army. He had been built and trained to hold himself like that, but he also really liked it. It emphasized his superiority nicely and impressed or intimidated his counterpart. When the door opened, Kirk stood on the other side. His demeanour was calm and composed, but Khan could smell a faint trace of alcohol on the man. Kirk stepped aside to let his visitor in. As the door closed and Khan turned around to face his soon-to-be lover, he caught another whiff of alcohol, whiskey, it seemed from the woody smell.

"You've been drinking, James."

"Well, you're late. I had to pass the time somehow."

"I didn't say when I'd come, so I cannot be late at all. I came exactly at the time I meant to be here." Khan gave his voice a purring note and stepped closer to the younger man with careful movements. Something was still off about the captain's mood. The man snorted softly but made no other reply.

"Are you nervous?" the Augment breathed into Kirk's neck as he leaned forward to place a few gentle kisses there.

The young captain turned his face away from the ministrations, but said nothing.

Khan frowned and lifted his head to look at the man.

"What is wrong, James?" he asked earnestly, placing a hand on the other's shoulder. He felt the tense muscles under his fingers, saw the defiant look in Kirk's eyes.

"Nothing."

Fine, the human didn't want to talk about it, if there was something wrong at all. If it was something Khan was not involved in, he could probably not help anyway. If it had to do with him, well...he could try to help.

Khan went to the chair he had sat in the last time he was here, and leaned back. "Come here, James, come to me," he said, not unfriendly, luring the man towards him.

Kirk came, a little unwilling, it seemed, but he came over and stood before the dark creature that felt like his enemy and his lover combined in one body and soul.

The boy seemed like a skittish animal, definitely nervous, almost unsettlingly so. But it took more to make Khan himself nervous, and he decided that a gentle approach would probably calm James down.

He wrapped his hands around Jim's hips and stroked his back and his rear before sliding upwards and bending the man down towards him with a little gentle force. Kirk still looked nervous and somehow disgruntled.

"Would you like a kiss, James? Or are you content to look like thunder and stay silent and unmoving?"

James still didn't say anything, but he leaned in and let his lips brush against the Augment's, who caught them a little more fiercely with his own. His prey's lips stayed almost cold, and after a few seconds, Khan gave up and finally let his frustration show on his face.

"Normally, you almost jump my bones. Not that I’m so vain that I expect that from you. There's something on your mind. Won't you tell me what it is? Or tell me to go, but stop pouting like a girl. I will not have it."

"Pike's been dead exactly two years, today. I saw it a few hours ago in my PADD."

The answer made Khan's blood freeze. He stared at Kirk, but the man wasn't done.

"He's dead, and you're here. The very man who killed him. About to sleep with me. Happily reunited with his wife and soon his entire crew and family. With a bright future, or at least it will very probably be. And I'm helping you to get you off your charges. Because I'm compromised, emotionally compromised, because I want you. You made me want you, you and your...perfect...everything. And I totally fell for it because that's what I do, falling for the wrong people. And your...pheromones or whatever chemical cheat you have installed, make me want to do things with you that I've never done in my life, that I've thought of doing with a man but that I've never..." Jim trailed off.

Khan took a deep breath and got up, cradling the boy in his arms in the process in one fluid motion. Kirk didn't fight it, but he also didn't acknowledge it in any way. He just stood there.

"James, I am sorry, truly sorry for that day two years ago. I can understand that you will never forgive me for that and that it hurts you to see me with my family while I have taken yours from you." Khan leaned back a little, so that he could see the other man's face. "But your attraction to me is not as artificial as you make it sound. Yes, Augments have...attractants in their sweat. But you wanted me before you ever caught me in a mood that would have produced enough of those to entice you. You want me because you are naturally attracted to me, you want me for all that I am. The danger, the strength, the physique, the face, the brain. There is no chemical potion _making_ you want me except the one that is always in your blood when you experience lust. And as for what you want to do with me...what _do_ you want? What do YOU want, James? I will not make you do anything you are not ready for. Today you said you want me inside you - don't flinch like that, you of all people should be able to talk openly about it. You said you want me. Do you really and still want that? Because if you do not, we don't have to do that. If you still want me at all. I can understand if you want me to go, seeing that your memories have caught up with you. I’ll give you whatever you need, no matter what it is, even if you want me to just sit with you."

"Would you really want to stay with me while I'm in that mood? Come on, Khan, we are not friends, or lovers, all this was about from the beginning, all you wanted, was to fuck me. Why would you care how I feel? You don't have to pretend you want to stay and console me." Kirk wriggled out of Khan's embrace, and Khan let him.

"Surprisingly, I don't think that is true. I would stay with you if you wanted, even if you did not want me, primarily. Because _to fuck you_ is not all I want, and you know that very well, James. We are alike, you and I. And I respect and like you, again, surprisingly. One week ago we hated each other. But I know we could be...friends. This started off because you want me, and I want you, but we like each other by now, just because we do." He used the word 'friends' with caution, since he had had few real friends outside his family in his entire life. Khan huffed. "I will not beg you, James. But I can tell you that I would regret losing whatever we have and I’d regret having to leave. I'd rather stay with you and help you to feel better. No matter how. I don't have to touch you at all if you do not wish it."

Kirk plopped down into the other seat, obviously still slightly aggressive. "Isn't it a little beneath you to go through so much trouble and make such an effort to be nice to a lesser mortal?"

"Only a little, but I have to admit your attitude is trying my composure. I don't do this for everyone, James. But you are worth the trouble and the effort." Khan tried to control his temper. He knew the reason why the man was so upset was indeed entirely his fault; Pike was dead by Khan's hand. But the bitching attitude was not something he was good at dealing with.

Kirk growled. "You've got to be kidding me." Then he got up and was in Khan's face a millisecond later. "You know what, your chill attitude is really annoying. I'm in the mood to just punch that smug face of yours, if it would only do any good," he hissed.

Khan had not expected this, but he knew the answer. "Then do it. I will not fight back. If you think it will make you feel better, then hit me." He looked into these blue, rage-filled eyes earnestly. "I will not report you, I will not tell anyone. You can't hurt me..."

The hit came so quickly Khan almost couldn't control his reflex to hold it. Kirk's fist found his cheekbone, and it did hurt, for a few seconds.

"I want you to hurt! That is exactly what I want!" Kirk screamed at him, nigh unhinged now.

The next hit came down on Khan's nose, and the younger man's elbow hit the side of the Augment's head. Again, it did hurt and for a second, Khan felt blood trickle from his nose before the wound closed itself. With the next assault, his head had snapped to one side, and he shook it like a wet dog. More punches rained down on the Augment, and he bore them all, as he had almost exactly two years ago on Qo’noS. Kirk had worked himself into a frenzy, but like last time, he didn't last long and was panting after a few minutes. His victim saw that he had tears in his eyes, but couldn't say if they were tears of rage or sadness. When Kirk pulled his leg out from under him, Khan let himself fall and endured a few more punches from the captain who could now stand over him and hit with more force. Khan endured it, stoic. It was not the same as with Marcus. Fear and hate had paralysed him then, now it was a bad conscience. Khan rarely ever experienced this but he knew it was deserved this time.

"James," Khan whispered, trying to rouse the captain from his fighting trance. Kirk stopped with one fist pulled back, taut like a bowstring, his handsome features contorted with rage.

"Stop, you're hurting yourself." Khan took Kirk's raised fist into his hands and gently caressed it with his long fingers. The knuckles were red and swollen from the many blows that had landed on Khan's unyielding body. The young captain gasped when the pain finally registered in his brain after all the adrenaline. He tried to pull his hand away but this time, the Augment did not let him. Instead, he pulled the younger man closer and slowly, unbelievably slowly, lowered the captain's body onto his and folded his arms around it. Jim was panting, but he wasn't fighting Khan's embrace.

"Do you feel better now?" Khan asked and stroked the younger man's back ever so gently, whose face was buried in the crook of Khan's neck.

Jim nodded. No sobbing, no tears, just a certain air of relief. All the rage was gone as suddenly as it had come.

"Did I hurt you?" Jim asked, still out of breath, after a few minutes.

Khan cracked a smile. "A little, yes. The fact that I can withstand such blows more easily than you do does not mean they don't hurt."

"I'm not really that sorry."

"You have no reason to be."

Kirk lifted his head to look into Khan's eyes, and then at his lips. "Thank you."

"For holding still?" Khan asked, amused.

"Yes, that too. For staying. And understanding."

"I understand you better than you think, James. You think I deserved that beating, and I did. Part of your rage was for yourself, because you felt out of your mind, out of control. You needed this. But you didn't beat me out of grief. It's been two years. Yes, you are sad, but you acted like this because you feel like only then would I get the punishment that I deserve and you doing it felt good."

Kirk nodded, actually smiling down on Khan like an old insider joke had passed between them. Khan knew what that smile meant. 'We're good now.' They were two grown men again, not a hurt animal and a criminal. By the beginning hardness on his hip, Khan knew that Kirk was ready to continue the more or less sane activities they had planned.

Khan rubbed his crotch ever so faintly against Kirk's, and the man hummed. "Do you know why people are so fond of violence, James?" He turned them over on the floor in one swift motion that made Jim yelp with surprise. Lying on top, he ground into the other man a little more forcefully, wriggling between Jim’s legs in the process. He held the man's wrists in a grip that was almost painful, and bit at his lips. This time, Jim responded more than willingly and kissed him back with heat and urgency. "Because it feels good," Khan whispered and continued his ministrations down Jim's neck, biting, sucking, licking and kissing the soft flesh.

"Khan! God...I’m warning you, if you tease me and then leave me hanging again this time, I'm going to kill you!"

Khan chuckled. "I'd like to see that. But don't worry. I'm done teasing you. Well, almost. But this is the time and place, James. You'll be satisfied."

"I fucking hope so!"

Hoisting Jim up like a puppet, Khan turned them and pressed the young man's chest onto the seat of the chair he had sat in not too long ago. He felt the muscles tense under his hands and rubbed them slowly to help Jim relax. Of course he would be nervous, Khan was aware of that. He knew it was something completely different for a man to yield to another man instead of taking a woman. But he'd do his best to make it a glorious experience for his young captain. Despite his reputation as a violent creature and his love for carnal pleasures, Khan was an attentive and generous lover. He had always been of the opinion that those qualities were virtues a superior being should have, among others. Everything that was impolite in any way showed weakness. And Khan wasn't weak. It was a matter of self-expectation and pride.

"If you want something - or don't want something - speak up, do you hear me, James?"

Jim nodded and grabbed the edge of the seat tightly. Khan clicked his tongue chidingly and caressed the captain's hands with his until they relaxed again.

"Don't be tense. And dear gods, don't act like you're bracing yourself for something horrible. I'm not going to just shove it in right now. Violence can feel exquisite, but in bed, violence without love is not pleasurable." Khan bowed over Kirk's back, slowly drawing the golden shirt upwards, pulling it over Jim's head and tossing it to the side, trailing kisses up the blond man's spine as he did so. His superior sense of smell picked up the scent of shower gel, sweat, alcohol, deodorant, aftershave, arousal and a hint of fear.

"Try to relax, James. Breathe in deeply, come on, do it. That's it. Do it again." Khan felt the pounding heartbeat beneath him slow down a little. "That's it." He fondled Jim's back, admiring the golden skin and the muscles playing underneath. Letting his hands trail around the side, he also rubbed over Jim's chest and felt the two hardened buds under his fingers. He rolled them between his fingertips and Jim moaned quietly.

"What are you doing?" the young man asked, as if surprised.

"Has nobody ever done this for you?" Khan asked back in a tender voice.

Jim shook his head. "I know women like it...but I've never actually thought of it for myself."

Khan nibbled on Jim's left ear and smiled. "You'll see it's just as pleasurable for men. In that respect, our bodies are not that different." A few more moans from his lover confirmed Khan's statement. The Augment let Jim feel his arousal by pressing up against him, and the young captain moved his behind against the firm length instinctively.

"Feels good, doesn't it?" Khan asked in a purring voice.

"I still don't know how it's going to ever _fit_ ," Jim answered, a little ashamed, going by his tone.

"It will, James, and even if it should be too much for you, there are more ways to give you what you need. But I'm sure you know that violence can also feel good when received, not only when doled out. I'm sure you'll like the pain. And it, too, will vanish. Don't be afraid.”

"I'm not afraid," Jim bit out, always the rebel, and Khan stroked his back again to soothe him.

"Of course you're not. You're a brave man. A fighter. A warrior, even. I admire that."

Khan ground his hips into Jim's behind again and used the man's distraction to open his trousers and pull them down to his knees along with his pants. Jim's skin felt so soft under his touch, the golden body hair almost invisible. The Augment caressed Jim's bare behind, felt goosebumps spring up here and there, and smiled.

"I really don't want to know how ridiculous I look in this position."

"Shush, James, you're beautiful like that. You're beautiful anyway. Quite exceptionally so, for a lesser mortal." Khan let a smile soften the words, and Jim chuckled a little. The Augment's hands roamed over the warm body under him, firmly gripping the shoulders, the hips and slowly trailing over the hipbones to Jim's most private parts, stroking and caressing the hard shaft with just not enough pressure, to make the blond buck into Khan's fist. Jim moaned at the friction, and Khan let him enjoy himself for a minute, altering the pressure of his hand as he pleased, keeping his lover on edge. He let his other hand trail over Jim's arse and between his cheeks, only caressing his entrance. By now, Jim was so distracted by his lust that he just moaned at the gentle touch and showed no signs of tension whatsoever.

"James? You do have lube, don't you?"

"In the bedside table, top drawer," Kirk panted.

When Khan let him go and got up, Jim winced at the loss of body warmth and followed his lover, shedding his remaining clothes on the way. Khan turned around to him with the dispenser in his hand and eyed him up, questioning.

"Bed?" Jim asked, and the Augment nodded. Jim stepped closer, unable to keep his hands off Khan's still clothed body. "And don't you want to get rid of these?" he grinned, and plucked at the hem of Khan's black shirt.

Smiling, Khan threw first the lube and then the captain down on the bed, ignoring the half-hearted protest, and pulled his shirt over his head in a fluid motion that showed off his powerful muscles and made Jim shiver visibly. The young man lay before him, sprawled out beautifully, one knee bent slightly and leaning back on one elbow. Khan knelt on the mattress and began to crawl over Jim, but the young man stopped him.

"Oh no, forget it! Get those clothes off first! I want to see you. You don't get to keep your pants on while I'm feeling more naked and open than I've ever been."

Khan laughed and stripped dutifully, relishing Jim's quiet gasp at the sight.

"You're fucking gorgeous, you know that?"

"I've been told from time to time but I thank you nonetheless, James," the Augment smiled.

"Does it actually mean anything to you, when people say that? I mean, you grew up with the knowledge that you're perfect and probably always will be, don't you take it for granted?"

Khan knelt between Jim's thighs with unhurried motions and caressed them. "I'm just as vain as any human being. It's always nice to hear compliments. More often it's the case that people take my appearance, actions and abilities for granted."

"Well, I don't take you for granted," Jim replied and reached out to stroke Khan's arms in return. It felt nice, for a change. Neera did caress him, of course, but to have a man's hands do it was unusual even for Khan. The last male hands to touch him had been Marcus', and he had naturally hated that. But with Jim's fingertips trailing up his biceps, even that memory could not darken Khan's mood. He grabbed the dispenser to start preparing Jim, but the young man tugged at his arms to get his attention.

"Khan...come here for a moment?" Jim asked, a trace of nervousness sneaking back into his voice.

Patiently, Khan let go of the lube and let Jim tug him down until he lay flush against his lover's body. They kissed, tenderly, longingly, almost lovingly, fuelling their desire and calming each other at the same time. Khan could taste the smoky aroma of whiskey on Jim's tongue and feel the man's hardness pressed against his between their bellies. Jim's hips moved slightly, as if of their own accord, and even the small friction made Khan's nerve ends tingle. He could feel Jim's arms closing around his shoulders, one hand cupping the base of Khan's neck and one grabbing strands of his almost black hair, combing through it by opening and closing his fist. It felt so much more intimate than Khan had expected this to be, but it was by no means bad in his opinion. He enjoyed it. Immensely, actually. If James wanted to kiss and cuddle first, then Khan had all the time in the world for that. More than anything, he wanted his young lover to be at ease.

After some minutes, however, Jim grew impatient, and his hips now bucked up into his lover.

"Hungry for more?" Khan grinned and felt Jim's hands glide down his back to his arse. The younger man squeezed firmly.

"Get on with it."

Khan disentangled himself and sat up between Jim's thighs. He heard his lover's heartbeat pick up a little more and stroked over the man's abdomen to soothe him, grabbing the lube with his other hand. Spreading a little onto his fingers and palms, he noticed that it was already exactly one degree over skin temperature. He smiled. Of course, Jim would have such a clever little toy. He took Jim's straining length into one hand, stroking it, to take Jim's mind off his other hand, two fingers of which he brought to Jim's entrance where he drew gentle, soothing circles around the tight muscle. Jim moaned under Khan's ministrations and took a few deep breaths until Khan felt all muscles in the taut body relax gradually. Ever so gently, Khan let his index finger push forward into Jim's body. The young man tightened around the intruding digit reflexively, in the same rhythm as Khan's hand was still working the young man's shaft.

"Breathe, James, it's alright."

The pressure lessened, and Khan pulled out, spread more lube on his finger and went in again, using a second finger as well. Jim hissed quietly and shuddered. Khan stilled his hand for a moment while swiping his thumb over the glans of Jim's member.

After a minute, Jim nodded and Khan continued gently until he could move three fingers in and out easily. Jim was moaning and panting, sometimes still clenching and tensing up. Khan had stopped stroking Jim at some point to give the nerve endings some rest.

"How are you feeling?" the dark-haired man asked in his velvety voice.

"I can't say...it still feels strange...and I think I'm still too tense. Not to mention that it's a little embarrassing."

"Oh James," Khan sighed good-naturedly. "You have no reason to be embarrassed. If I'd mind any of the circumstances that accompany such experiences, I wouldn't go in for this sort of thing. No matter what it is, it's perfectly natural."

Jim smiled, thankful for his lover's kind words. "It's just...hard to get used to something that is not...err...meant to happen to my body."

"You mean a man's body is not meant for penetration?" Khan asked, and smirked as Jim squirmed a little.

"You could say that."

Khan smiled. "I'll show you something, James."

The Augment had actually avoided this movement deliberately, but now he turned his palm up and bend his fingers upwards to brush over his lover's prostate in little gentle circles.

"Oh... Oh! What...? Oh god!"

Unable to suppress a grin, the older man continued the motion and got increasingly noisy reactions.

"I do think," he said rather smugly to the man, who was probably not really listening, "that this right there is some good indication that nature did take the possibility into account that men could want this. You're welcome."

"Arrogant prick," Jim wheezed, grabbing fistfuls of his blanket.

Khan laughed, and felt Jim shudder at the deep sound. With one cruel movement, he pulled out, despite Jim's cry of protest.

"Turn around, James."

"What? No! I want to see your face!" Kirk squawked, but Khan had already grabbed his hip and turned him.

"Don't worry, I'm not going for the kill yet. Just a little more teasing. I’m sure you’ll like it. Open your legs a bit."

Jim complied hesitatingly, and Khan shuffled closer to arrange Jim's body so that he was squatting over Khan's thighs, his back towards his dark lover. Khan spread his own legs carefully so that Jim's knees slid apart even further and his privates hung between the Augment's legs, soft skin touching skin. Wrapping one arm around Jim's belly, Khan slid his hand into the space his thighs created underneath Jim's lap, where his own cock strained upwards into the cleft between the young man's cheeks. Three fingers went back into the tight heat while his own hard flesh touched on Jim's perineum and his own working hand. Jim moaned loudly and leaned forward to give Khan more space to move his hand. Due to the angle, Khan turned his wrist so that he could torment Jim's prostate with a hard knuckle, and the man in front of him cried out.

"Good?"

"Not enough! I swear you'll drive me crazy here! Oh, fuck!"

Jim's hand flew to his cock, but Khan grabbed his wrist.

"No touching yourself."

"But Khan!" Jim whined, and they both couldn't help but giggle together.

"Do you think you're ready?" Khan asked quietly into his lover’s ear.

"As ready as I'll ever be for that...huge thing," Jim whispered back.

Khan chuckled and lifted Jim by his hips, turning him and setting him down on his lap again as if he weighed nothing, so that they could see each other's faces. The young man's eyes were wide with a mixture of lust and worry.

"Breathe, James. I know you can take it. It's not that much of a hurdle as you think now, trust me. Now, up," he commanded and made Jim lift his hips. Without looking, Khan slicked up his cock and guided the tip to Jim’s entrance, breaching it with his index finger to help ease the hard length inside.

"Come down on my lap, carefully."

Jim obeyed, while Khan supported his lover's weight with his hands so he could relax his muscles more. After just one or two inches, Jim stopped to catch his breath.

"God, I don't..."

"Shhh, don't tense up, James, breathe." Khan wrapped his arms around Jim and pressed him to his chest so he could take more weight off Jim's straining thighs while he guided him down.

"Ah! Khan! Not so...slow down!"

The Augment stopped. "Did I hurt you?"

"No, it's just...the feeling is a little..."

"Unusual. I know."

"How would you know," Jim scoffed, trying to get his bearings.

"You think I don't know how it feels?" Khan said in an amused tone and wriggled his hips a little. He wondered if, in his lust, Jim had forgotten what Khan had told him about Marcus. Looking at the flushed face and glassy eyes, it seemed absolutely possible that Jim had forgotten _everything_ , except how to breathe.

Jim looked at him with something akin to awe and asked shakily: "You mean you've had it up...I mean..."

"By all the gods, say it as it is, Jim, I don't mind. It's as natural for me as any other sexual practice. You should never let shame cloud your pleasure. I thought you’d be the last one who has to be told that." He pulled the young captain down a little more and went in a little easier this time. He could feel Jim's cheeks on his lap and knew the hardest part was over.

"Do you want to try and move, James?"

The young man was still short of breath. "I...I don't know how." The confession seemed to fill Jim with shame as well as frustration. Jim, who was normally the experienced one, felt out of his depth and naturally didn’t like it.

"Yes you do, James,” Khan said patiently, “don't be shy. Just let your body do the work as soon as you feel more comfortable. Unless you want to lie down and let me do the work." Khan winked.

Jim nodded, a little hesitant. “I’d rather you let me lie down. It's so much all at once."

The Augment kissed his lover tenderly. "As you wish. Don't be frustrated. It's just easier for some men if they can control the movement, and it feels less like surrender, so I thought you’d like to try. Brace yourself a bit..."

Khan slung his arms around the young man's back and gently laid him down on the bed, following the motion with his body, not breaking the connection. Jim moaned a little because his muscles clenched involuntarily, but relaxed as soon as he was flat on his back.

Having ignored his own lust the whole time, Khan found it hard to control it now. He made himself move slowly as he finally began to pull out slightly and push back in, establishing a slow, burning rhythm. Angling his thrusts, he moved to hit the man's sweet spot and was rewarded with a cry of lust.

"Oh! Do that again!"

The Augment complied. From Jim's face he could tell the man was enjoying himself a lot more than before, and his thrusts got harder and faster.

"Touch yourself," he ordered, and Jim's hand went on to stroke his own cock while Khan pounded into his body.

"God!" Jim cried out.

"Working on it."

Jim slapped Khan's backside. "Cheeky bastard."

"...with my cock up your arse, so I'd be careful with my words and hands if I were you."

"Fuck!" Jim choked out as Khan shoved inside deep and just kept pressing for a moment, without drawing back out. The pressure drove Jim wild, it made him feel full, almost impaled, and he moaned a string of unintelligible words. His hands were squeezing Khan's buttocks. Khan felt his lover's balls tighten against him and knew he had to choose now. His thoughts must have been apparent on his face because Jim looked at him warningly.

"Don't you... _dare_ even think about it, you've teased me enough! Stay where you are, you bastard!" Jim panted.

"Or what, captain?" Khan noticed that his voice sounded more strained than he had planned, and it really was becoming harder and harder to control himself.

By means of an answer, Jim suddenly slipped his hands, slick with lube from his own cock, between Khan's cheeks and wriggled deeper. Khan gasped with surprise and sheer lust as his lover's finger breached his own entrance bit by tiny bit. The lube eased the way but as Khan was completely unprepared, the stretch felt intense and absolutely blissful. Khan couldn't help it. He bucked into the younger man's body unreservedly, unable to control it now, uncaring if it was too much for the human, he merely pounded into Jim as hard as he could as his climax burned through him. At the same time, a small part of his mind registered that Jim was - thankfully - screaming with his own orgasm that shook his whole body frame. Khan howled with the sensation of his lover's clenching insides around his cock that prolonged his climax oh so blissfully.

When the burning in his veins finally subsided, he was panting with the strain and the intensity of the feeling, as was Jim.

It took both men a long time to come down from their high.

"You sneaky, snot nosed, cheeky, impertinent, irreverent little bugger!" Khan said, his voice soft and warm.

Jim chuckled and kissed his lover, his hands caressing Khan's sides. "I thought I'd done enough of the lying around and getting served. And since you told me you're...ah...no stranger to the sensation I thought I might try it."

"After your embarrassment earlier, I didn't think you'd do that."

"Seems the last hour or so has changed my opinion a little."

"I certainly hope so."

Khan moved to pull out of his lover's body and Jim heaved a sigh that was both regret and relief.

"Urgh, that feels awful," Jim said as he felt the unfamiliar trickle of semen leaking out of his body.

"Stop bitching, James, I'm on it. Stay still." Khan got up and went into the bathroom for a wet cloth.

"Bitching! That I'd ever hear a word like that coming out of your mouth!" Jim called after him.

Khan emerged from the adjoining room with a wet cloth and leaned over James to clean him up. "Oh shut your trap you annoying human thing."

"Pfff...don't give me that. You like me."

Khan smiled. "I thought I just demonstrated that rather elaborately. Get up, you need to shower."

"Right, that thing about connecting with the other person before screwing their brains out, I forgot...OH my GOD that hurts!"

Khan laughed when the other man sat up and winced. "You might be a little sore."

"Arrogant smartass, shut your face before I do it...oh fuck..."

Khan picked Jim up and threw him over his shoulder unceremoniously. Jim protested vehemently, but Khan carried him into the shower and only put him down there.

"I'm not a child!" the young man grumbled and threw Khan a sour look.

"No, you're not, or I would not have done any of the things that just transpired here, but I felt like being helpful since you were moving at a snail's pace."

"Yeah well, sorry, I'm not used to having such a..." Jim trailed off, still not able to say it out loud. Khan turned to the sink and washed out the cloth he was still holding before he started to clean up his own body. He felt Jim's gaze on him.

"Staring at all that fresh meat, captain?" Khan said without looking up, imitating Jim's accent, while taking care of his still sensitive cock.

"Sorry. You're just...such a stud," the cheeky blond remarked, grinning.

Khan looked up, half bending over the basin, knowing that he was showing off his whole body a little too perfectly. "And if _you_ don't hold your impudent tongue, I'm going to mount you again, here and now, and this time I won't be so gentle."

"I don't think you can do that, it's been like, five minutes or so," Jim grinned, sauntering over and pressing his sticky, sweaty body to the Augment's pale side.

"Is that a challenge, James? Because as you may remember, I'm better at everything. And I mean everything. My body regenerates much faster than yours."

"You mean..." Jim stopped himself and a smile spread across his face. Cheeky as always, he let a hand trail over Khan's thighs to his still damp crotch and squeezed his manhood, hard. Khan hissed through his teeth at the sensation, and smirked at the almost horrified expression on Jim's face when the young man felt the length in his hand fill out again. Jim wanted to pull his hand away, but Khan was quicker and trapped the man's fingers around his cock with his unforgiving grip.

"Finish what you started," Khan growled in mock aggression, and started moving their hands on his rapidly swelling member.

"N-no, Khan, I can't go again, I..."

"Not like we just did, maybe. But I'm really in the mood to shut up that big mouth of yours." Khan turned fully towards Jim and laid his hands on the man's shoulders, pressing Jim down to his knees within a mere second.

"Uh, Khan, no, please, I mean it, not after where it's just been. But how about you give me a little break and then you can show off how much better you are at seduction than any other living being in the galaxy?" Jim looked up at his lover and mouthed at the Augment's thighs delicately. There might have been a hint of worry in his eyes.

Khan couldn't say no to all this shining blue and nodded. "I can certainly do that.” He smiled. “Don’t be afraid of me, James. Take your shower. Be thorough, I've more plans for you."

From the corner of his eyes he saw Jim shiver in anticipation as he turned back to the sink to finish cleaning himself. His lover got up and - wincing - climbed into the shower cabin. Khan grimaced when the sonic waves were activated, but it was bearable since they were not aimed at him. Still, it wasn't a very pleasant feeling, and the Augment left the bathroom as soon as possible. James would need a few moments to himself anyway.

Khan remembered his own first time with a man, his first time with anyone. James really had no reason to complain about anything. Khan had still been almost a child when his overseer had abused him first. And even though an Augment's psyche healed well over time and did not know real trauma, Khan still thought back to that time and that man with a certain degree of hatred. Bad experiences like that had never influenced his life, though. Khan had never hesitated when it came to any form of sex, and never flinched when one of his partners said or did something that reminded him of crimes committed against him. Khan was strong and proud and he sure as hell would never let those memories cloud his passion and lust, and he never had. They weren't worth that kind of attention.

* * *

 

Khan lay down on Jim's bed and crossed his arms behind his head to wait. His thoughts drifted back to his former warden. He had been dead for approximately two hundred years, but he still remembered the man's name: Brian Reed. Reed had been a slick, vile man, muscular and not all that dumb. Wardens were not teachers, so the only thing Reed had had to do was take care of Khan's, then Noonien's, personal needs. He had roused him and sent him to bed, saw that the Augment boy looked presentable and ate the food he brought him, he had locked his cell when Noonien was grounded and taken care of any traces of floggings or other punishments, and had also made sure that the boy got a few things he wanted, which had been mostly books.

Khan had never really had the feeling that Reed had liked him or even seen him as a human child. Mostly, the man had only done his duties without talking much, only on very good days had he spoken a few words more than strictly necessary. His ward had never been particularly interested in the man who fulfilled his duties on him like clockwork and without any kind of affection. But as he grew older and his features and body started to show what a handsome youth he would soon become, Reed's attention had begun to turn. He had started to barge in when Khan was showering or getting dressed. Not that Reed had never seen his charge naked, and the boy had never learned to be particularly shy about his naked body, but he noticed the changes alright.

And then, one night, Reed had come in as Noonien was pleasuring himself. Khan was still sure that he had heard him over the audio system that fed all sounds from his room to the computer where Reed could check on him. The video feed had to be activated by both sides, a small concession to the children's even smaller privacy, but the audio feed could be turned on without the inhabitant of the room noticing. He probably hadn't heard him for the first time, either, but that night had been the first time that he actually came over.

"Are we enjoying ourselves, Singh?"

Khan remembered that the lights had not been turned on when the warden entered. The small diodes around the skirting boards had been the only source of illumination.

"What do you want? Leave!" Noonien had said. Sure, he had not been a khan at that time, but he sure knew he was better than the humans who kept them, and his demeanour was accordingly haughty. The only thing that kept the Augments in line was fear of punishment, and even though they were strong and fast healers, the punishments were designed to sow fear into their hearts alright.

"I most certainly will not, my sweet boy." Reed had been dead sober, and it had been creepy and worrying to see him acting like that. Reed had meant it. And he hadn't been sorry for it.

"Leave, Reed."

"No."

"What do you want?"

"You."

That had been the first time Noonien had felt something akin to fear of the usually quiet and dismissive man.

"What do you want me for?" Somehow, he had known that this was unofficial, none of their experiments or tests.

"Oh, I'll show you..."

Khan still didn't know why he hadn't just killed the man with his bare hands. But on the other hand, he had been a child, not even in puberty, and his violent undertones had not been there just then. If a warden gives you an order, you obey. So he'd turned around and endured. He hadn't cried, he hadn't screamed, even though it felt like hellfire must feel, but even at that young age he had had experienced a lot of pain already, and this was just another. His eyes had burned with the sting of tears, but none had spilled over, he had learned to hold them back.

After, he had not been able to fight the feeling of being...dirty. Sick to his stomach, he had been, but had forced himself not to show it. He had tried to not feel too used, the people in this facility used their bodies all the time, but...this was different. As little knowledge as he had had of the world outside, he had known this had been wrong. And forbidden. But laws were for humans, and he was no human, so the law did not protect Augments. And who should he have told anyway? Reed was the confidante he should have turned to, and none of the others would have cared. So Noonien had stayed silent about it and worked through it until his mind had processed all the feelings.

Reed had come again and again after that, not often, but still too often for the boy’s liking. But Augments were good at adapting. In the end, Khan had greeted Reed’s visits almost with boredom. His pride forbade him to ever beg an enemy, and he hadn’t begged Reed to stop or to be gentler, never. For some reason, Reed had never turned more violent, even when Khan didn’t display any fear or discomfort any more, he had never tried to elicit a humiliating response from the boy he was abusing. He had always just taken his pleasure in the smaller body and then left. They had never talked, before, during or after. Reed had never acknowledged what happened between them, he had neither been nicer nor more cruel, requests were still heard, punishments still doled out. Daily life had not changed at all. Reed hadn’t even touched his charge at any other time and took no freedoms with him. It had almost been as if Reed himself didn’t know about what happened some nights, it had had so little influence on the cool, uninterested relationship between the two. Sure, Noonien had always been a little scared of his warden, but his pride would never have allowed him to show it. The most amazing thing had been that after Reed had found Neera in Noonien’s bed after their first night, he never came back. Sure, the two lovebirds had then slept together almost every night, but there had been other times where Noonien had been alone and Reed hadn’t made any moves to go back to old habits. It had almost been as if he didn’t...care. But that had been Reed, he just didn’t care, about nothing, not his charge’s feelings, emotions, condition, not if he hated the raping, not if he struggled or if he didn’t, not about Neera and that he couldn’t have him anymore, not even when Noonien Singh had left the facility to become Khan of Asia.

 

* * *

 

Khan snapped out of his dark memories when the door to the bathroom hissed open.

“Do you have any idea what an ugly feeling it is to have something trickle out of your ass?”

Khan smirked. “I do, James. I told you, I know how all of that feels.”

“Can’t really imagine you with a dick up your butt.”

“Nicely said, James, that’s what I call progress. But I think your memory is not all that good in that respect, or are you simply trying to shove the thoughts aside?”

Jim knelt on the bed and frowned. “What thoughts?”

Khan shifted and pulled one knee up to his still naked body so that it showed off his impressive manhood even better. Just a little teasing.

“I already told you: Marcus had me. And he wasn’t the first one.” Khan had no problem with talking about this at the moment; he felt relaxed and safe with James. Jim, however, obviously wasn’t nearly as relaxed when it came to this topic.

“Shit...I...I forgot, I’m sorry.”

He looked so sad that Khan held out his arm as a sign for Jim to join him. The younger man hesitated and then lay down next to his Augment lover.

“Don’t be sad for me. Nobody who has ever done that to me survived it for long.”

“What? I mean, there was...that’s what you meant with ‘he wasn’t the first one’? I thought you meant, he wasn’t the first man to sleep with you!”

“He wasn’t, but he also wasn’t the first to rape me. My overseer in the labs started abusing me when I was twelve. He was the first one who ever touched me. Then came Neera and after we had gone out into the world and worked on conquering it, as it were, I had many other lovers, and I did give myself to some of those. So you see, I’m far from inexperienced in...that area.” When he said the last two words, Khan let his hand trail down Jim’s back and slipped one finger into the cleft of Jim’s arse playfully.

Jim still didn’t seem in a mood to joke.

“What happened to the guy...your...overseer?”

“He died,” Khan said simply.

“Did you...kill him? When you were still under his care?”

“No. I didn’t kill him. I had him killed. Long after we had left the labs. I found him and had him executed. I could tell you that I thought it best not to let a child abuser roam my kingdom, but mostly, it was personal satisfaction, to see him kneel before my throne, having him look up to me when the sword fell and see the light leave his eyes.” Khan couldn’t suppress a feral grin. “He, too, should have let me sleep.” When he looked at his lover, Jim seemed uncomfortable.

“What is it, James? Did I just remind you of who exactly you let into your bed?”

“Uh, yeah, sort of, actually...” Jim squirmed a little.

Khan nodded. “Just because I can be cuddly and gentle does not change the other facts about me. Never think that I’m not actually that bad, not that aggressive, not that violent. I am. I’ve killed men and women. I’ve killed them in battle or sentenced them to death, some I’ve tortured to death, if I thought they deserved it. I have a history and it won’t change. And I’m not denying it. So...have you thought long and hard about your attraction to me or did you simply follow your carnal instincts? Because you are sleeping with a dangerous killer, James. Never forget that.”

“Why? Maybe I’d like to forget, so why are you reminding me?” Jim asked and looked up at the man who was holding him.

Khan lowered his head a little and gently kissed Jim on the forehead. “Because I want you to see me as the man that I am, not as the man you want to see. I want people to be mindful of who they’re dealing with. Because otherwise, frustration and disappointment will eventually overpower anything I build up. So I’d like you to be absolutely aware of why you like me.”

“And what do you think why I like you?” Jim sounded a little hurt. But Khan knew that ignoring aspects of each other wouldn’t do.

“Because you’re attracted to my body and my dangerous side, even though it’s toned down at the moment. You like me because of what I can give you.”

“No. I mean, yes, of course, I’m fucking into the whole tall dark and handsome thing with a pinch of danger. But...there’s something else. I know you are...multifaceted. Your past is your past. In many cases, I trust that you did what you did because you had to. I don’t ignore your violent side, I don’t deny it, I don’t push the thought away. But I think you are more diverse than any other man I know. If a normal, boring human is made up of one or two layers of personality, you are made up of ten. If I can ever believe that someone is this way as well as that way and it’s not a contradiction, it would be you. And that makes you fascinating. There are so many stories you are made up of. And I think I’d like to hear them all.”

Khan was impressed, surprised, and also mollified by this. He hadn’t expected this level of understanding, he had thought Jim saw him either as an impressive sexual plaything or as a misunderstood good guy. That Jim did not deny his darker sides and still liked and accepted him made him feel...good. And grateful. Neera accepted him the way he was, because she knew him intimately. He hadn’t expected quite such a level of acceptance from Jim, but he was happy about it, in case the human told the truth.

Khan gathered Jim in his arms and pulled the slightly smaller man on top of him.

“Thank you, James.”

Jim smiled at Khan and leaned forward to kiss him. Their tongues twined, first languidly, then more intense. Jim groaned into Khan’s mouth and the Augment felt his captain harden again. Khan smiled into the kiss.

“I told you.”

“Oh shut up.”

“Never, James. And really, wouldn’t you prefer my mouth open?”

Jim’s breath hitched for a moment and Khan could feel his dick jump at whatever thought the blond had just had. Chuckling, Khan turned them over, clasping his arms around Jim, and scooted down enough to let his tongue flick over Jim’s nipples. When he sucked at the right one and let his fingers play with the left, Jim let out a loud moan.

“Oh god! Yes!”

“I told you,” Khan repeated cheerfully.

“Shut the fuck up! And do that again!”

Grinning, Khan obeyed and licked and sucked at the young captain’s nipples until the man was grinding his hips upwards into Khan’s belly.

“Please...”

“Please what, James?”

“God, you know exactly what, you outrageous creature!”

Khan laughed. “If you’re not going to be more specific, I’ll have to guess.”

“Bloody fucking Christ, suck me! Suck my cock! I...”

Before Jim could say anything more, Khan had wriggled even lower down and taken Jim’s cock into his mouth without further preamble.

“Fuck!” Jim cried out and fisted his hands into Khan’s hair.

Khan worked his lips and tongue along the hard, straining shaft, relishing the feeling of power he got, enjoying the musky, salty taste of Jim’s precome. Doing this for another man had never been only a sign of submission for Khan. It could be demeaning, yes, but you definitely had your partner by the balls, quite literally. Khan loved that feeling. It had been a long, long time since he had done this. Thankfully, Marcus had been too scared of him and his sharp, vengeful teeth to make him do this, so the last man who had enjoyed Khan’s mouth had been a long gone lover in his old life, Rajesh, a beautiful, almost feminine Indian boy who had always awoken the wish in Khan to just give the shy young man as much pleasure as he possibly could. With Jim, it was slightly different, but then again, every partner was different. Jim was full of fire, manly, proud, strong, beautiful, and yet it was so incredibly pleasurable to make him weak and reduce him to a panting mess, which was exactly the state the young captain was in now.

Khan wiggled one finger into the man’s arse and crooked it to brush over his prostate, and Jim _screamed_. Noticing that the boy was urgently pulling on his hair, he released his lover’s cock and looked up.

“Don’t do that. I’ll come right away if you do that. I want to last.”

Smiling, Khan pulled his finger out. “Relax for me, will you? Just let me do this.”

“Do what...Khan? Kh...oh...oh fuck...no...ah! God, what are you...”

Khan didn’t let Jim’s babbling disturb him as he began licking and sucking Jim’s balls carefully and slowly slid down lower to his entrance to press the tip of his tongue to the still loose pucker. Jim tensed at the feeling, but his lover continued to lick his most intimate part, never pausing, never giving Jim a chance to catch his breath.

“God...that...shouldn’t feel so good...”

Khan huffed a laugh but kept working for another minute.

“Khan? Khan, please...”

The Augment sat up at the pleading tone and wiped his mouth with thumb and index finger lasciviously. He grinned when he saw the other man blushing, even though he was pretty red in the face already.

“Please...”

“Please what?”

“You fucking know _what_!” Jim said indignantly but Khan chided the man underneath him with a gentle clicking of his tongue.

“Ah, language, James. Tell me what exactly you want.” He emphasised his words by rubbing the other man’s cock with his flat hand, giving him not nearly enough stimulation.

“You, now!”

“Tell me.” His other index finger went back into the tight heat of his keening lover.

“Are you really going to make me say it?” Jim asked, squirming as Khan found his prostate again and tormented Jim by rubbing it along with his lover’s dick.

“Yes!” Khan thundered, his voice dark and commanding now, all the lightness gone. One look into Jim’s eyes told Khan that he had hit the right nerve with that tone. “I want to hear it, out of your filthy little mouth! You love it when I’m vocal, now return the favour!” Unforgiving, Khan added a second finger, still without additional lubrication, but his counterpart was still loose and slick with a rest of semen.

Jim huffed and looked Khan deep into the eye. “I. Want your cock. In me. I want you to fuck my ass. Hard. And now move!”

Khan laughed a rumbling laugh and removed his fingers and hand from his lover’s body. “See, that wasn’t so hard, was it?”

“Fuck me already!” Jim shouted and slapped Khan’s chest.

The Augment groaned with pleasure. “Careful, James. You don’t want to start this,” he warned, and shifted upwards, spreading his lover’s thighs open like a woman’s, then grabbing the dispenser with lube. After he had slicked himself up, he brought his fingers back into Jim’s body and worked him open once more until the young man was shivering with need. When he was satisfied with the preparation, Khan sat back on his heels and pulled Jim on his lap, but this time only his lower half, while his torso stayed on the bed, arching a little in the unusual position.

“Stay down, James, and let me handle you. Relax.” He nudged the slick entrance with the tip of his cock and it went in smoothly, a lot easier than the first time round. Jim moaned, but didn’t tense up and didn’t seem to feel any pain, either. Khan had waited for this. He shoved inside deep and hard, holding Jim’s hips in his hands firmly and thrusting forward, upward, and from the boy’s screams of pleasure he knew he was hitting his prostate dead-on.

“Oh god! Khan! Yes, right there! God, fuck me, fuck me! I want it, please, more! Do it harder! Harder! Harder! God, HARDER!”

Khan’s head swam a little with the string of obscenities the captain shouted out, and even if the man had said the opposite, he probably couldn’t have held back anyway as he pounded ever harder into the hot opening. If he was hurting James, the man didn’t show any signs of it. Maybe he liked exactly that. Khan got up on his knees, still holding his lover’s body in front of him, and continued to shove in and pull back in a burning rhythm. With only his shoulders to support his weight, Jim stemmed his arms into the bed to try and get some support, but it wasn’t much use as Khan’s thrusts shook his whole body every time the Augment’s hips connected with his lover’s. Jim’s mouth was wide open in a continuous, silent cry of pure bliss, his legs clenching around Khan’s hips.

“Oh god, oh god, Khan, I’m...close...please, not yet!” His cock hadn’t even been touched.

Khan smiled and stilled for a torturous moment to let his lover catch his breath. “I could let you come...and keep working you. Would you like that?”

Jim giggled, an endearing sound, somehow.

“I’m too horny to say no, anyway, I want this to go on and on and on. I guess we could try.”

We...it was nice, hearing the word, it seemed...meaningful, somehow. But even Khan’s usually brilliant mind was not in a state to think about it too much right now.

Smiling viciously, he started rocking into his lover’s body again, harder and harder, and tried to concentrate on holding back his orgasm while the young man’s reactions got louder and louder at every thrust. Khan sat back again to take the strain off Jim’s back, and the blond tightened around his cock...and then cried out as his release came over him, screamed while clawing at his lover’s thighs and anything he could reach, completely off his head. Khan watched, enraptured, as streaks of seed painted the captain’s belly up to his collarbones, trying to hold on longer to be able to give his partner even more pleasure.

True to his word, Khan didn’t stop for a second, but kept thrusting into Jim’s body, making him howl with the sensation. Without thinking, he pulled James up by his hips and sat him on his lap upright, and Jim clasped his arms around his lover’s neck and his thighs around Khan’s, now moving of his own accord together with his powerful creature. This was how they had started off a few hours ago, when Jim had been too tense, too insecure to do this, and now he was riding his Augment as though his life depended on it, even though he had just come, and untouched, too. Khan knew it was probably his augmented pheromones, as well as the influence of the whole situation; a new lover, their first night together, a whole new experience for Jim’s body altogether to be taken by a man, and yes, probably the size of the cock Jim was riding had something to do with it, too.

“Khan! Oh god...”

“Yes, James. Feel it, feel me. There’s a good pet. I knew you could take it,” Khan breathed into Jim’s ear, nibbling it.

“You smell...amazing...it’s making my head swim,” Jim groaned, and looked at Khan uncertainly. “That’s your perfect body cheating, right?” It could have sounded accusing if Jim’s tone hadn’t been more of a lustful mewl.

“Yes,” Khan said simply, lifting the other man and letting him down again to keep up the rhythm. “And it will do amazing things for you, just you wait.”

“I have the feeling I know what you...fuck...”

A look between them made it apparent what Jim meant; he was hard again, though not as hard as he had been before. The exhaustion had to show sooner or later.

“I want to give you something back,” Jim panted, leaning back a little to make the thick cock inside him rub over the sensitive bundle of nerves.

“You are giving me a lot just now, James, don’t worry about this. I said I’d satisfy you. My treat. Close your eyes for me?”

Their rhythm had become slower, less forceful, gentle.

Jim looked at his handsome bedmate, uncertain, but he complied and closed his eyes.

Gently, Khan shifted and laid Jim down on his back, moving the man’s legs up until they rested on Khan’s shoulders. Jim grunted at the tightness this position brought to his abused entrance and insides, but obviously it still felt too good to complain.

Now, Khan set a slow, intense rhythm, gyrating his hips a little every now and then, pushing into the tight heat and pulling back out in lazy movements. As taut and keyed-up as Jim had been only minutes ago, now, he seemed relaxed, and obviously enjoyed the new sensations. His moans were deeper and unhurried, his hands on Khan’s neck and in his hair again, caressing his dark lover. When he pulled the other man down towards him, Khan came willingly, and they shared a long, gentle kiss. Slow, careful hands caressed warm, gold and silver skin. Two sets of muscles moved in tune with two heartbeats, never speeding up for too long, never stopping completely. Khan loved it. Animalistic coupling was its own kind of glorious, but even the most savage lover couldn’t possibly deny the delicious feeling of _this_. It was slow, and warm, and intimate. Loving. Yes, he could probably come to love James one day. He was refreshing. Good. A good man with a good heart. What if he invaded that heart? Khan couldn’t hold back those thoughts, and didn’t try. Gently, he kissed James’ face, his lips, his cheeks, his eyes, his forehead, and let his mouth wander down to his captain’s jaw and throat. Totally oblivious in his utter bliss, the man underneath him presented his neck to Khan’s sharp teeth as if his lover wasn’t a predator, wasn’t the murderer of his mentor, wasn’t the Lion from the East, a tyrant, a dictator for some, a warrior, a dangerous criminal with implants in his body, filled with poisons and corrosives, to keep him in line if need be. Khan allowed himself a moment on the edge, and let his teeth ghost over his subject’s throat, gentle as a tiger with its cubs. Jim moaned softly under him and moved his fingers to Khan’s back, caressing it gently, and Khan practically purred with the sensation. Even though the moment was close to perfect, Khan wanted to do one more thing with his James, and shifted them gently until they were lying on their side and Khan was spooning the smaller man from behind.

“Pull your leg up to your body,” he instructed, and nudged Jim’s left leg forward so that Khan could move his own between Jim’s thighs.

Gathering the man into his strong arms, Khan pressed his body to Jim’s, thrusting shallowly into the hot cavern, gentle, unhurried, burning up on the inside, feeling his heart grow tight with the sheer ardency he felt in this unique moment. His lips were sucking bruises into his captain’s neck and shoulders. A string of deep, continuous moans whispered from Jim’s mouth. Urgently, the younger man twined the fingers of his free left hand with Khan’s, almost unconsciously squeezing them hard, and Khan squeezed back, pressing their fists over Jim’s heart. He could hear the other’s breath growing more ragged, his body tensing ever so slightly, his moans getting louder. Their gentle lovemaking was turning into a more passionate game again.

“Khan, please, please let me come, fuck me! Fuck me!” Jim groaned breathlessly into his pillow, arching forward to press his behind into Khan’s groin even more firmly.

“Yes, I will, up, James, I’ll give you what you need.” With a fluid motion, Khan pulled himself and his lover upwards without ever slipping out, settling both of them on their knees. Jim braced himself on this hands, almost sobbing with lust now, knowing what was to come, shivering with want for it. Khan gave his lover a few more gentle, loving thrusts before he picked up speed one last time, grabbing Jim’s neck almost brutally to hold him in place. He let his hips slap against Jim’s buttocks in a violent rhythm, and a moment later felt the young man’s muscles pulse around him and heard his howl of release mix with his own as he came hard and spent himself into the throbbing heat. Grabbing his lover’s neglected cock he milked him until both of them slowly slid down onto the mattress, spent, utterly and completely. Khan could only just make himself roll onto his side before he could crush the still heaving body underneath him. Gathering Jim in his arms again, he held him close until his young lover’s shivering due to the overexerted nerves and muscles had subsided before he pulled out of him.

“Khan,” Jim sighed. His eyes were closed, but after a minute, he talked on. “This was...mind-blowing.”

“You’re very welcome, James,” Khan murmured, somewhat mollified, and kissed Jim’s shoulder.

“You know, I don’t normally sit back and let my partner do all the work. And I really do want to give you something back...I want...I want you.”

“Shhh, you have me already,” Khan said and caressed Jim’s wet forehead.

“No, I mean like you had me. Would you...would you ever let me have you?”

Khan groaned at the thought and the lust it kindled in his heart. He cleared his throat.

“I don’t think you’re in the condition to do that tonight, James. Another night, when you’re well rested, maybe. I’m not easy in that constellation.”

He suckled mischievously on his lover’s shoulder and then kissed him gently.

“Sleep now, my love. Your body is tired out, it needs rest.”

Of course, his swelling heart would make him say something like this. It was excusable after such an experience. Jim either didn’t mind or didn’t notice, he just pulled one of Khan’s hands up to his lips and kissed it. Endearing. The young captain really was endearing. He hadn’t actually expected this. He had expected this to be...well, a little less personal and intimate. The fact that Khan only slept with people he felt a connection to would, after all, not  have prevented Kirk to just take his pleasure without feeling anything. But James had opened up to him so completely that it stirred even Khan’s heart. He had almost forgotten what it was like, to have someone new, to fall for them, to connect with them on some level.

It had been so long, in another life. Countless lovers had come and gone. Khan remembered now what it felt like, what it really felt like. Carnal pleasure had almost obscured the connection with James before. It had been there, the Augment had felt it, but even though he insisted on this connection, he was a sexual creature nonetheless, and his lust for the captain had come first on his list of priorities.

His thoughts drifted to Neera. They didn’t belong here, none of them. Of course, Jim could never substitute for Neera. Neera was his flesh and blood, his sister and his wife, the woman who’d always rule beside him. But he was no ruler in this time, was he? He was - and he shuddered at the thought – a civilian. He had no purpose here which required thoughts of a queen, descendants, all the duties. Of course he loved her. But he had been designed to love her. What if it had been his choice? Had he been free to choose any partner he wanted, no matter how often he wanted to change them...there was a niggling worry in his mind, telling him that if he could choose, forgetting all duties that were long outdated anyway, all rules except what he himself wanted in private...James would have been his choice right along with Neera. For the first time in his life, it seemed to Khan that he would like to be able to split himself into two persons. One who could live carefree alongside Kirk, doing whatever felt right, and one who could remain happy with Neera. Khan felt torn. And what should that have been like, anyway? Nobody could be just as loved by his queen as her king. It was virtually impossible for him to leave her, even if he had wanted it. It would have driven him crazy, because his genes said so. Oh, why must it all be so complicated?

Khan ordered himself to stop thinking about this. He was simply not used to his hormonal reaction to another being any more. Even Augment bodies produced chemicals after sex that made them feel in love. He had to keep it together. Kirk himself would never have such clingy thoughts after just one night. Focus.


	11. Domesticity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trouble in paradise arises and is resolved quickly. Khan has a talk with Bones about how Jim has changed since his transfusion from Khan. And Khan has some big announcement that many of the officers don't seem so happy with.

Domesticity. That's what it was, the feeling he could not put his finger on last night. That was what felt wrong.

Khan's eyes opened as quickly as if he hadn't slept at all, as all Augments did, when he felt the weight of the man in his arms. This was wrong. Domesticity was for Neera, however warped domesticity was for a royal couple or a couple in this century. Living as a couple in a small hut, with children, that was the question Khan always asked himself; could he live with a certain someone like this? And when it wasn't about Neera, the answer had always been no, and still was, even in the case of James. James was a man to have adventures with - of any kind.

Khan sat up in the rumpled sheets, grimacing at the stickiness on his skin. Careful not to wake Jim, he climbed out of bed and crept into the bathroom noiselessly to get himself cleaned up before he left. It really wasn't a nice feeling, and he hated it, feeling dirty. He washed away any smears thoroughly so as not to spoil his uniform. He'd take a shower in a minute, even though he was reasonably clean now. Returning to the main room, he saw that the captain was awake already, more or less, groggily turning his head towards him as if he had already missed his presence. Probably, he had. His pheromones were still thick in the room...well, at least for his own, superior nose. The whole room smelled of sex. For some reason, Khan was slightly disgusted by it. Tide had turned quickly, hadn't it? His brain obviously wanted to turn a blind eye on the reason why. Maybe it was a kind of shame. Had he really thought about leaving his wife for Kirk, no matter how faintly, or having both of them? He had been right to blame the chemicals in his bloodstream. Even more worrying though: he felt a sudden aggression, an urge to be cruel with James, to treat him mean, to sneer at him for anything he might say, no matter what it was.

"Morning...eager to get away?"

There was a hint of regret in James' voice, and Khan felt like he wanted to pounce on it. He ordered himself not to.

"I have to shower. So do you. I shouldn't have stayed anyway."

"But you did," Kirk smiled and crawled towards the edge of the bed where Khan was standing, and actually let his hands glide over the Augment's naked abdomen. Again, Khan felt the malicious urge to punch him. What in Kali's name?!

"Obviously, James," he quipped, pushed Jim's hands away and picked up his pants and trousers.

"What's wrong?"

"How do you come by the conclusion that something is wrong?" Khan asked, trying to keep his voice straight and concentrating on putting on his clothes.

"Well, last night you were loving and gentle and all that, and this morning you look like thunder."

Slipping into his shirt, Khan turned away. "I'm..." Fine. He should say 'fine'. "...on edge. Don't bug me."

"Regretting our roll in the sheets already?"

"No."

"Regretting your calling me 'love'?"

There, so much for Kirk's delirium and not noticing. Khan cursed himself and his maudlin in Turkish.

"Don't agitate me, James, I mean it. You won't like me when I snap."

"I'm not afraid of you."

"Right now you should be."

"If you're worried about what you said..."

Khan bounded forward like a tiger going for the kill, and pressed Kirk down, who cried out in surprise. Focusing all of his remaining concentration on not tearing the man to pieces, he caged him with his arms and his heavy body instead. Kirk didn't fight. Khan had expected it and almost hoped for it, but Kirk just lay there and looked up at him with wide, blue, boyish eyes.

"Don't ever mention what I said last night!" he thundered. "Any of it! Or I'll mention a few things _you_ said last night. Don't think it means anything, any of it."

Kirk had the cheek to look up at him and give him a raised brow. "I thought you don't sleep with people just like that. What about a bond and everything? You like me...that's all I..."

"SHUT! UP!"

Khan had to close his eyes to keep himself under control. He felt like howling like a beast with the sheer...desperation he felt, the confusion. Suddenly, there was a hand on his face and he could only just hold back from lashing out. His body taut like a bowstring, he kept his eyes closed, waiting for the rage to blow over. Lips. Soft, warm lips on his. Khan moaned, a sound full of pure denial. Burning, inside.

"Relax, please. There's no reason to be so angry. Please."

Finally, his instinct to fight, to tear, to rip, subsided a little. His aggression melted. He opened his eyes to see concern in those of his lover.

"Alright?" the young blond asked.

"Nothing's alright." Khan smashed his lips back against Jim's, more biting, licking and sucking than kissing, until he tasted blood, sweet, salty, musky blood, and his carnivorous side roared hungrily. No, he mustn't let this part of him kick in! It took Khan a hell of a lot of energy to tear away from his captain without actually tearing anything off him. Jim must feel the pain, but he ignored it and instead held Khan's head in his hands, looking at the Augment but not asking questions anymore. This was ridiculous! What was wrong with him?

With enormous effort, Khan made himself get up. He really needed the proverbial cold shower now. Kirk was still looking at him, confused and almost a little hurt. His lip was bleeding and Khan wiped his mouth in front of the mirror over a sideboard next to the door. It would have been funny, this vampiric look of white skin and blood on his lips, had it not been such a worrying experience. First the passionate night, the loving feelings before he fell asleep, the anger when he woke, the cruelty he had felt for the man who had done nothing wrong, the desperation and confusion, the animalistic hunger for blood and the lust following it. His feelings and senses were running amok, and it was a completely new experience for him, at least when it happened like that, without cause.

"Captain, I don't think I'm fit for duty today. Permission to see Dr McCoy about it and otherwise remain in my quarters until I've worked through this," Khan said flatly, all business.

Kirk only nodded. He looked so strangely beautiful, with his blond, tousled bed hair, his body covered with lovebites and bruises, red marks and body fluids, and blood dripping from his lip.

 

Khan pulled himself together and marched out of the captain's quarters, along the corridors and to his own rooms that he shared with Neera.

Neera.

She'd be in the same foul mood. Was she even the cause of it?

When he entered, he found his wife exactly like he had anticipated: agitated and desperate. Yes, she was the cause of what had just transpired in the captain’s quarters.

"What is the matter?" he asked, as gently as he could. Neera might be the gentler of them both, but she could be as fierce as a wounded lioness.

"Everything!" she hissed, pacing and shooting him accusing looks. "You, you and your captain, I felt it, I felt you are in love with him, as I felt in love with...and you know I want a child and...and I don't belong here! You don't belong here! We belong in India, on Earth, as rulers, with a family! And you, you go and bed the only living thing apart from me who has your DNA, of course you couldn't resist him! You..." She trailed off, still pacing furiously.

So all those confused, jumbled thoughts came from her, from her instinct to bear a child, from her night with McCoy whom Khan could smell on his wife, from her bitterness that the man could not give her what she needed because he was only a human man who could not father her child, no matter how good he was at everything else. And what was that remark about his DNA? Had his blood had permanent effects? Had it changed Jim's own DNA? Was that the reason why he felt so torn, so unusually drawn to Kirk? Khan, as any other Augment, knew about the healing properties of his blood, of course. He had given it to the little girl to bribe the Starfleet officer Harewood, because he knew it would heal any illness. The scientists they had grown up with, they had known about the healing properties...and yet they had never used them as donors, they had never taken too much of their blood, even though it would have been logical.

Khan had never actually thought about it. Later of course, when he ruled over Asia, he had been seen by some as a kind of god with sacred blood. Sometimes he or his family had given away a bit of their blood to help dying people, but never too much. He had to admit, he had no idea if it altered the DNA permanently. More than one vial had been necessary to bring the captain back to life, and his body tissues had probably been partly necrotic already, plus the radiation damage...possibly, his blood had had much more to do than usual, and some parts of the genetic code had been embedded in the healing flesh. If the scientists 300 years ago had not wanted half-Augments everywhere, they would have restricted the use of their charges' blood heavily, exactly as they had done.

That meant...Kirk was partly Augment now? A hybrid? And every Augment was unstoppably drawn to those who shared their genes, which was the designed partner only, normally. By giving Jim Khan's blood, had McCoy changed the young captain permanently? If the doctor knew, Neera would know. And she would feel how torn he was, besides knowing why. Her own insecurities, pain of loss, and instincts, added to all that and formed the tempest in both their hearts.

"I'm afraid, Khan."

No nickname. She almost never called him Khan. It was, after all, more his title than an actual name, although it could be seen as both. She continued in a desperate voice.

"I have lost everything in a matter of two weeks, at least that's what it feels like for me. I've lost my home, my throne, my purpose, my last child, and now I have the feeling I'm losing you. And the only thing I've ever been certain about in my entire lifetime was having you by my side. We have adapted to circumstances, we have lived as slaves, as lab rats, as warriors, as rulers, as fugitives, as parents. But we have always been together. And I cannot bear to lose you in this time of all times!"

Khan made a few quick steps towards his wife and embraced her tightly. At first she fought him, and almost won, but he held her, and after a while, she stilled. Khan patted her hair.

"Shhh, my love, I am not leaving you. I am by your side, and always will be. We're one, pyara, _hamesha ke liye_ , until the end of all time. Both our feelings were influenced by last night's occurrences."

Neera sobbed into Khan's shoulder.

"I shouldn't have gone to him. I should never have lured him in, but I wanted him so badly. My body is screaming, Noon, you don't know what it's like as a female. I need a purpose!"

Still holding her, Khan nodded. He remembered the feeling well. When Spock had asked him so many months ago what he wanted to do when he got his crew back, he had answered that they'd continue the work they had always done. It was an automatic answer. The truth had been, he had never planned as far, he had never thought about what they would do if he succeeded. His instincts had screamed at him in every waking minute that he had to recover his family, no matter the cost. So he knew perfectly well what it was like, that maddening voice in your own head, telling you what to do. For all their abilities to adapt and survive, Khan thought sarcastically, they really had a hard time adapting to everything they knew was gone. They were well-oiled machines created for a purpose they could no longer serve. They had never had a private life of their own. They did not know how to plan for a future where they could follow their very own meaning of life. It felt like running along a path and suddenly falling, falling down, losing ground under one's feet and trying to keep running, but it wasn’t possible.

A chill ran down Khan's spine. He'd killed for power over and over again, had gone ruthless ways to reach his goals, because his nature commanded him to. What was he without that? And would he do it again, heedlessly breaking free to conquer some other world, a planet where culture was still young and they'd be treated like gods again, or try to conquer Earth once more? Would his instincts make him, his education, his upbringing, force him to? Could he ever just be himself, ever decide what he really wanted? Was there even someone inside of him apart from the augmented, engineered creature? Even worse, would he snap at some point and hurt the people he had learned to like at long last, James, McCoy, Scotty, Uhura? As soon as his crew had not been in danger any more, he had stopped fighting them, stopped seeing them as enemies. His darker side was already whispering to him, though, whispering that as soon as his crew, his family had been awakened, he didn't need the humans any more, he should seize the ship and...resume the work they had done before their exile. A remnant of a time long past. The phrase echoed in his mind again. Neera was right. They did not belong here.

Khan kissed his wife's forehead.

"We'll think of something. We'll find a way. And you shall have your child, my love." Governed by emotions, so much more than Augment men by nature, his woman needed a child, and a child she should have. To call upon new life due to instinct demanding it seemed, on one hand, like the absolute wrong reason to Khan, and on the other hand like the only valid reason at all. The very mention that she would have her fiercest desire fulfilled seemed to calm Neera. Curious, Khan thought, as he kissed her lips and then her neck while loosening the fastenings of her Sari dutifully, curious that Augments were meant to be better, but were bound to their instincts so much that it drove them half insane if something got in the way.

 

Khan called in sick, so to speak, for the day after Neera was asleep again, peacefully this time after her night had obviously been hell. He also went to see McCoy, first because it was a requirement to go to Med Bay if you called in sick, for obvious reasons - at least for humans - and second because he wanted to talk a few things through with the doctor.

It really was almost comical how nervous the good doctor suddenly was. He wouldn't look Khan in the eye when he entered, and when Khan was adamant that he'd see no other doctor than McCoy, the poor man showed even signs of fear. Khan's smile only seemed to make it worse. Skittish humans.

When the doctor finally came over to the Augment, sitting on a biobed in a more remote corner, the man cleared his throat awkwardly.

"Problems, commander?"

Khan cocked his head and smiled. "Not what you think, doctor, please do relax. I'm not here to squeeze the life out of you because you slept with my wife."

"Then why are you here?" the doctor asked warily, a little red in the face and looking around if anybody had heard. "Far as I know you folks don't get sick."

"This morning, I experienced a severe case of...emotional turmoil, shall we say. Aggression, sadness, fear and others. I did not feel that I should go to work in this condition, as you know my emotions can be dangerous, and I really have no wish to snap and hurt anyone. I know part of the reason why I felt like this. But requirements are I have to come here. If you think it necessary, you might give me a check-up. But I'd say it's situational stress. I also wanted to talk to you about a few other things."

McCoy gave him a sideway glance, but started to give Khan a full-body scan nonetheless.

After a few minutes, he glanced up at the Augment. "Are you in pain?"

Taken aback, Khan just stared at the doctor for a moment before he responded. "No, I'm not. Why are you asking?"

"Because my data says you are. Actually, your body shows signs of trauma around your implants." He looked up, for all the world the strict doctor. "Have you tried to remove them?"

"No," Khan said truthfully. Pondering the situation for a second, he continued: "But they do hurt a little. I guess my body is trying to expel them. My brain might ignore the pain because it's so prolonged."

"The flesh around the implants is heavily inflamed, but not in any way I've seen before. It's only a very...thin inflammation. The implants have moved indeed," the doctor said after checking again.

"That's not why I came."

"It's possible that your aggression stems partly from that, though."

"Possible, but not important. I am here because..."

"Because you had a kind of panic attack this morning."

"I wouldn't call it that. However, I wanted..."

"Don't you care about what we could do with the implants?" McCoy interrupted yet again, and Khan rolled his eyes.

"They are punishment. That seems to be what they do."

"They are a precaution, they are not meant to hurt. So you would...what, just leave them be? Do you care so little about your body?"

"Doctor," Khan said in a tense voice. "My body repairs any damage it can find. It will expel the implants soon enough. They will wander to the surface and rip through the skin in a few weeks' time, tops. When they are so far out that I can remove them, I will, and you will give me a sedative that will do nothing unless you give me a dose lethal to a human and bury the implants in my body again. Then we'll start the game anew. Pain is of no matter to me. Now, I have a matter that IS important to me. What have you found out about the properties of my blood? That is, the permanent effects."

McCoy looked even more wary now. "Why are you asking?"

"Because your precious captain received it, and not only one vial. Did it alter him permanently?"

"What? Why would you think that?" the man said, rather hastily.

Khan took a deep breath. "Doctor, please, do not test me today. As I understand it, you have been friends with the captain for many years now. Has his behaviour changed since the transfusion?"

McCoy blew out a long breath. "Come to my office for a minute?"

Khan nodded and rose, following the doctor and taking a seat in his office across from the man.

"His behaviour hasn't changed, the whole year he has been the guy I've known for years now. He is healthy as a horse, though. Not stronger, not anything close to what you are like. A few months ago he was in a small brawl and healed only marginally quicker than usual. I thought it must be a side effect of your blood, which it is, but when he came for the check-up before launch a few weeks ago, I noticed that the patterns in his body hadn't changed back to normal. I don't know how to describe it. His DNA is altered, yet it's not. It's not really mutated. It's just somehow...it's unusual even though it seems the same. It's a phenomenon I've never seen. I wouldn't even have noticed it if I hadn't had to double check everything, him being back from the dead and all that. I can't put my finger on it but something is marginally different. Only when he met you again did I notice something, namely the changes in his personality. Jim is not...usually very interested in men," the doctor said and flushed a little. "At least not that I know, and he has no reason to hide it if he were. But he was critical when we commenced our mission and talked to you for the first time, just a week ago, and hours later he almost jumped your bones. I don't mean to say you're not...attractive, but I don't think it was your long lashes and your sunny personality that drew him in, and in a matter of hours, too. I think it's the close proximity. Jim seems to feel drawn to you like a horsefly to an old nag. And I think that has to do with the...bond you and your family share, the instinct to stick together. The captain is compromised by his genes. And I have the distinct sense you feel about him that way, too. Like he belongs to you. Don't you, commander? One could say PASSIONATE." McCoy eyed Khan with a look that told the Augment everything he needed to know.

"You've seen him?" Khan asked, relaxed.

"He called in sick today, too. Said he didn't feel too well. He's euphoric, though, don't get me wrong, but his body looks like he's had a wrestling match with Klingon whores. Male ones, going by the state of certain areas."

Khan couldn't suppress a snicker. The good doctor was a little more red in the face now.

"I'd say we're even, doctor. You screwed my wife and I your best friend. I'm sorry you had to see the evidence in so much detail, though."

"It wasn't that much detail! Enough, though, quite enough. I left him a dermal regenerator because he insisted I didn't need to see everything, and professionalism or no, I am very thankful for his bitching this time. And I have the feeling he'll need it some time again. And if your reactions to each other in the past week is anything to go by, it'll be soon. Don't think I haven't noticed. Also..." The doctor hesitated and turned his gaze away from Khan. "Also...Neera talked about it. She felt...agitated. This morning, she was like a cat, it was almost scary. I guess that is one of the reasons for your episode this morning? You share strong feelings, am I right? You experience them together."

Khan nodded, and another thing occurred to him. "Doctor, yesterday evening, when I came over to the captain's quarters, he was very sad and aggressive. He...told me his mentor, Pike, had been dead the second year yesterday and then he hit me. I guess he hurt, and so he needed a vent."

"He hit you? He really hit you? Like...a proper thrashing?"

"You sound far too happy, doctor, but yes. I let him, because I felt I deserved it, if that means anything to you, feel free to include it in your report. I just thought I should mention it, not to anyone official because I don't want to complain and I don't want to get him into trouble, but because I think that might have been...unusual behaviour."

"It is," McCoy agreed, obviously taken aback. "Not that Jim never gets into fights, but he never starts a fight just because he's aggressive and wants to hit somebody. That's not how he is."

Khan nodded. "I guessed as much. Other than that, though, I had the impression he was still the same as usual, although I don't know him very well. He was brash and endearing, mostly."

McCoy chuckled. "Yeah, that's Jim. Still, what does that mean for you now, you and your wife? As I understand it, you're kind of bonded to Jim by blood, not as closely as with Neera, but it must be...destabilising for your relationship."

Khan nodded. "I don't know what it will mean, not yet. We'll have to work through it. It would be best if James and I could give each other a wide berth, but as long as we remain on this ship together, I am afraid our connection is bound to grow. I will work something out. Neera is afraid of the changes, and she's had quite a lot of them since she woke."

"Yeah, well...if she needs anything..."

"I already gave her what she needed," Khan said, maybe with a little too much emphasis, and McCoy flushed a deep red again.

"Sorry. Not my place to ask," the doctor hurried to say.

"Don't be sorry, doctor. It honours you that you want to help her. And if I might be so indecent to say this, so to speak, man to man: judging from her demeanour this morning and our shared emotions, she must have been hard to handle tonight. Not many men would have been able to."

Figuring that McCoy had now blushed enough for one day, Khan rose.

"Any more protocol about my state of health? It has abated, mostly, since Neera is back in bed and fast asleep, but it might flare up again. I'd appreciate it if I could try and get my aggression under control in my own way instead of spearing Scotty to the wall at every sneeze."

McCoy groaned. "Please, help yourself. And stop making those jokes, it's really creepy."

 

Khan stayed in the training session at the holodeck until he was absolutely tired out, which didn't happen too often. The lack of sleep due to the night with James and the morning with Neera were taking their toll, and Khan had again ignored mealtimes and eaten nothing.

Sometimes, he found, if you felt miserable, you had to make yourself even more miserable to feel better in the end. So after the tiring night and morning, he made himself even more tired. Unable to fall into a frenzy this time, he took quite a few hits from his opponents and did not even reach level 10. By the time he gave up, his head swam. Maybe it had not been such a good idea to push it that far. Without nourishment, his body was as useless as a human's, but he probably needed this right now.  
Tired-out, he sat down at the wall and leaned his head back. The last 24 hours had been...eventful.  
The long, delicious hours with James.

Then the outburst of rage this morning.

Fathering a child again.

The thing that was most irksome to him was that this time, it had been...not as nice as before. In the past, it had been an almost ethereal experience. But this time it had been...a necessity. Duty. His duty as a husband. He'd be a father again. The thought filled him with joy, yes. To have a baby again. Maybe it would pull his focus back to his family. Maybe it would give him a new kind of purpose in life. His small depressive episode wouldn't last forever, surely. And being a father again would at least make the designated part of him happy. But the joy and delight he had felt for Neera being the mother of his children was slightly muted at the moment, and he couldn't tell why. He felt...sad, even though destiny was currently handing him everything he had wished and worked for on a silver platter. But he was hiding from his wife and his latest lover, starving himself, and death-tired. Pathetic. One should think he would know better than to go hungry again after what he'd been through. And he, Khan Noonien Singh, king of Asia, the Lion of the East, should not sit here and hide. Determinedly, he got up and went back to his quarters, ignoring the hungry looks his sweat-soaked uniform caused. Humans. Either they desired or they feared him. But almost none of them really saw him as a person. James saw him as a person - even though he did desire him. McCoy saw him as a person - even though he feared him. And Uhura saw him as a person, without desiring or fearing him. Maybe Scotty and Keenser liked him, too, for who he was.

It was amazing for Khan, finding...friends? He'd always been alone, always been different, had always remained with his own kin, either ruling or fighting others. Yes, he had had some subjects he had genuinely liked, but none of them ever forgot what he was. The Enterprise's crew treated him like one of their own, and slowly but certainly, he began to like it instead of hating that none of them had any respect. They respected him even though he was no king anymore. Khan sighed. He almost wished he had known before what it was like, having normal friends.

Suddenly, he had the feeling he could adapt to this life. Had there not been 71 more family members to unfreeze and adapt to this century. The responsibility had weighed down on him since Marcus woke him. As soon as they were awake, any of them could go their own way and he'd be free. Freedom. One of the only concepts Augments were not made for.

For the first time in his life, Khan felt caged by his purpose and genes. The freedom to do whatever he wanted; he had never even thought of it as long as his life went the way it was meant to. And though Khan had never felt so lost and afraid, he had also never felt so hopeful and excited what the future might bring, because for the first time, it wasn't completely written in stone.

 

 

The next few weeks were a blur. Due to both of their emotional difficulties, the head staff and the two Augments had agreed that they would hold the reviving of the other Augments until the pair was more comfortable, so that they could be an anchor to the rest.

Since Neera was pregnant, she was calm and harmonic again, and her calm also affected her husband for the better. His duties fulfilled, Neera did not allow for Khan to touch her beyond kisses and gentle caresses, though there were many of those, and quite a happy atmosphere between the two as well, just as between any other two people who were soon to be parents. And though it vexed Khan's dominant male side that he wasn't allowed to have his female, he did like that he had more time for his captain. Neera's fear and jealousy for the young man had abated at the moment, since she was carrying Khan's child, even though nobody knew yet, not even Dr McCoy. The pregnancy confirmed her status as Khan's alpha female, and that was enough for her. Khan still felt torn between the light of his life and the new, exciting feelings that were developing between Kirk and him.

They tried to keep it a secret, and Dr McCoy would never have told and broken his medical oath of silence, but for those close to them, it seemed to become rather obvious that their friend was sleeping with their convict on probation. Luckily, those who were perceptive enough did not judge them, probably for Jim’s sake. Khan really did not want to get James into any kind of trouble.

Sometimes, Khan could almost forget that he was still a prisoner. His colleagues were friendly and more and more people seemed to forget their nervousness and fear when Khan was around. Khan could be charming, of course, and he was. But this time, he wasn't because he wanted to deceive, but because he liked to be. Because it was actually part of his personality. His heart seemed to thaw a little each day, and it amazed him that after almost 90 years of existence, he could still learn something new about himself. The absence of danger, for the first time in his life, made him softer, friendlier, more open. He took delight in the friendship that Neera was beginning with Uhura, and his own tender feelings for James showed almost a little too often for his taste.

He had been in love more times than he could count, but never like this. He knew that partly, his genes made him, again. But he could not help but think, or at least hope, that he simply felt like this for James because he really felt it, would have felt it still if they had not shared that genetic bond. Suddenly, knowing what he was for and knowing what he was like were two very different things.

 

One evening, he went over to the captain's quarters again. They never met in Khan's room, because Neera spent most of her days sleeping now. They'd soon have to reveal it anyway, and he had planned to do so today. When he signalled his arrival and the door opened, however, Jim wasn't alone. Dr McCoy was sitting in a chair, and Spock and Uhura, uncommonly cosy, on the couch diagonally across from the doctor. Jim was lounging in one of the other armchairs, swivelling from left to right lazily. For a moment, there was a rather awkward silence, as everyone in the room knew what Khan would probably want there. But the Augment did not let any emotion show on his face.

"Such a merry round. Am I interrupting?"

"Not at all, come, sit!"

Jim rose to meet Khan and embraced him, slapping his back like he was a friend, and Khan liked the feeling that he probably was. He eyed Spock over Jim's shoulder, knowing that it did not sit well with the Vulcan that his Thy'la had an affair with the Augment. Mostly, the two ignored each other. Nyota on the other hand greeted him with a smile, and McCoy at least made a somewhat friendly grumble. Khan sat in the last remaining armchair.

"What brings you here at this time of day, commander?" asked Spock in a rather cold, mocking tone. Nyota laid a soothing hand on her mate's knee and Spock grabbed her hand rather possessively.

"The same as it does you, I presume," Khan grinned. "Talking."

Kirk put a glass of Scotch in front of Khan and the Augment nodded his thanks.

"You could have brought Neera with you, you know," Uhura chided lightly.

Khan inclined his head towards the Bantu woman politely. "She's asleep already, as she is most of the time when she's not working with the children."

McCoy, always on duty, perked up. "Is she not feeling well?"

Khan smiled. "I'd say she's feeling a lot better than a month ago. She's much calmer now."

"Is she adapting better?" Jim asked in a friendly tone.

Khan played with his glass and didn't look up, a small hint to the others that something was up. "Yes, that too."

"Why else?" Nyota asked as if on cue.

Khan let the silence stretch for a few more seconds and then said, still not looking up: "She's pregnant."

All of his listeners froze.

"Pregnant?" McCoy burst out, almost frantic. Khan hoped that the doctor would remember, for his own sake, that only Khan could be the father and not him. Human men tended to panic when they heard that any of the women they had recently slept with were pregnant.

"Pregnant?" echoed Kirk, in a rather uncertain but calmer voice. Khan realised this could be a big hurdle for his lover.

"Oh Khan, I'm happy for you," Uhura sighed, as Khan had expected.

Spock said nothing, but Khan knew what he was thinking. Augments having children under the Vulcan's nose was probably like setting up an army. Khan smirked at the half-alien.

"Like vermin breeding in the cellar, huh?" he asked, so quietly that only Spock would be able to hear it clearly, and maybe his mate since she obviously had great hearing for a human.

"She should have come to me for check-ups!" McCoy said excitedly. "Since when has she been pregnant?"

"Four weeks now."

"Four weeks!" the doctor fussed.

"And you have decided to tell the head officers only now?" Spock quipped, clearly not happy about the whole revelation.

"I could be wrong but I think it's none of anybody's business if I make a child with my wife, is it?" Khan said, his alpha male instincts kicking in immediately.

"You are a convicted criminal serving your probation here on board. I would think it is rather uncertain if..."

"Spock, I don't think there is any reason why he shouldn't have a child with his wife, he's not forbidden to see her, he's even here to help acclimatise her."

"Captain, there is no plan for such an occurrence..."

"My child is NOT an OCCURRENCE, Vulcan! It will be a living, breathing, feeling being in only four months' time." Khan thundered and paused, his eyes burning into Spock's. The other three were holding their breath by the sound of it. "You say all beings should live long and prosper. I have the right, as any other being, to have a family. I was convicted for crimes that I committed because crimes were committed against my family and me. A Starfleet admiral _murdered_ my last remaining child. Neera would not be able to acclimatise to this time when she has no purpose at all. I don't think any of you can understand what it is like, being an Augment, being as driven by our genes and instincts as we are. Neera was broken and chaotic, disturbed even, because it is her nature to care for someone. She's been a benevolent queen and a loving mother for so many years. All this was taken from her within a mere week if you only count the conscious time. And she'd go mad without at least a child. There was a species on Earth once, called penguins. Some of them lived in the frozen wasteland of the South Pole. If one of their chicks died, the mothers would be so heartbroken that sometimes they tried to steal another mother's chicks just because they could not bear that there was no little one sitting and growing on their feet. Augment women are not that different, especially after such a trauma as Neera experienced. Augments have a long lifespan, we do not lose our children due to sickness or age. Our daughter was murdered, as were our sons. Her mind and heart couldn't bear being alone again. She needs a child. And she'll have one. And if anyone tries to interfere and tries to kill my unborn child, I'll tear them limb from limb. Have I made myself clear, commander?" Khan's eyes were hard and cold like icicles.

"Inescapably clear, commander. However, there is no need to threaten me or anyone else. Nobody will take your child away from you or even kill it, that would be highly illegal and immoral at the same time. Your family planning, mind you, comes as a surprise. Especially when it sounds like you fathered the child not because you wanted it but because your wife needs one. I find that disconcerting."

"It is unnecessary and uncalled for that you put your finger on that wound, commander. I am aware that this time, my duties as Neera's mate have outdone my feelings and wishes. But the joy will come. I hope you'll experience that joy sometime, the joy of holding your newborn child in your own hands when it opens its eyes for the first time and looks at you, and it is the greatest wonder to behold. These are life's experiences that go way beyond your emotionless wisdoms, Vulcan. I've been called a heartless beast over and over. I am not. My heart only chooses the worthy ones over the rest. While for you the needs of the many outweighs the needs of the few, in my opinion the needs of the worthy outweigh the needs of the others. Like when my consort went almost mad with grief without a child or when your friends saved you from an erupting volcano."

Spock's eyebrows betrayed his surprise. He looked to Jim, then back to Khan. "How do you know what happened on Nibiru?"

"I told him, Spock. It's not classified," Jim cut in, sounding a little sheepish.

"The captain and I do actually _talk_ from time to time, commander," Khan sneered.

"Khan!" Jim said, acting scandalised by Khan's dirty grin. Uhura snickered with a hand over her mouth.

"Apologies, captain," Khan said, fooling nobody with the words and not meaning to.

"That why you came over or did you actually mean to tell Jim the news about your little one?" McCoy asked, his mood off the scale as he saw Spock squirm.

"Why else would I be here, doctor? I merely find the...exchanges with the captain sumptuous and rewarding," Khan said softly. "I value people who can adopt various positions and work with them."

"Khan!!" Jim cried again, this time more serious, and McCoy and Uhura laughed.

“Uh, Khan, you said something about four months. That would only be five months of pregnancy...”

“It’s sped up for us, doctor. That’s why I told you now. It is showing already, and you’d know any day yourself. I wanted to prevent the impression that we are hiding something.”

“Well, you’re hiding quite some serious shit anyway, I’d say,” McCoy grinned to Jim.

"I think we'd better go, we'll see you guys tomorrow." Uhura got up and gave McCoy and Kirk a kiss on the cheek, and to Khan's surprise did the same with him without hesitation. Khan could smell her perfume, her makeup, her shampoo, and Spock on her. Khan smiled a little mischievously at the Vulcan who had gotten up as well. Sometimes, Khan couldn't believe that the Vulcan was man enough to have a woman like Nyota. Honestly, how did you love a woman - physically and emotionally - when you believed in not showing your feelings? He’d never say it out loud, as this was bad form between men, any men, but Khan doubted that Nyota had a really satisfactory sex life with her boyfriend. On the other hand, though, she always looked radiant and happy. Maybe Spock was good for some surprises at least.

Spock wished everyone a good night and left with his mate. Silence ensued, and after a moment, McCoy cleared his throat and knocked back the rest of his Scotch in one go.

"I'll leave you two lovebirds alone so you can finally start what you came here for, Khan."

"Bones! Jesus fucking Christ!" Jim cried again, this time really red in the face.

"Oh stop being such a baby! I've seen love bites on you in places I don't really want to think about as your friend, and the possibilities as to where they came from would make my head spin if I wouldn't absolutely forbid myself to even think about it."

Khan laughed. "Thank you kindly, doctor. Now I guess you better move along so I can ravish our captain thoroughly and torment him within an inch of his life with..."

"KHAN!"

"God no, shut up! I don't want to think about it, I’m telling you!"

Khan laughed again and leaned back, knocking back the whole glass of Scotch that he hadn't yet touched. He felt his head spinning a little and relished the feeling while it lasted, which would be approximately one minute.

"I'm leaving, bye!" McCoy grumbled and strode to the door. "Good night, I guess."

"Night, Bones."

"Restful sleep, doctor."

"Restful sleep my ass. Leave him in one piece, yeah?"

Then they were alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I couldn't forego the "penguins" joke on Khan's side v.v But since he's an Augment, maybe at least Khan can say "penguins"? I swear, I was only aiming for the explanation with the chicks at first, until it hit me, and then I couldn't edit it out!


	12. Of course it will hurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is basically devoid of plot, seriously, only smut with D/s undertones. Okay maybe more than undertones. But I can tell you that Jim is very much okay with it. I just had to. I'm almost sorry.

Leisurely, Khan got up and stood in front of Jim.

"Come." He held out his hand.

"Sometimes I feel like some Orion pleasure slave that you get to pull from the corner whenever you want, and have as you want, and then you leave me be again. I'm not a whore."

"Ah, James, but aren't you the one who calls me stud? I can remember vividly, every single time when you keen underneath me, when you beg me for my cock, when you plead for me to fuck you harder."

Jim groaned and turned his face away, blushing fiercely. Khan turned it back with his hand.

“I can also vividly remember the night I came in and you were looking at my file, at the section about my old life. I can remember you were hard because you were looking at some ancient picture of me in my combat uniform.”

“Do you have to bring that up! It was hot, okay? I don’t see you in a tank top and army camouflage pants and boots that often.” Kirk was blushing deeply now.

Khan gave him a peck on the lips before he straightened up again.

"Never let shame cloud your pleasure. Up with you."

Jim got up, but grumbled: "You're always pushing and ordering me around."

"You love it.” Khan bit Jim's neck gently. "Oh James, if only you knew what I'd like to do with you..."

"But you are always doing things with me!"

Khan waved the remark away. "I don't mean the nice things. I mean the mean things, I mean the dirty, wicked, immoral, depraved, indecent things." He could hear the man's heartbeat pick up.

"Such as? I thought some things were pretty dirty already," Jim said breathlessly.

"Oh James you have no idea. What we had until now was me being in a generous mood. But I'm dominant by nature. I'd so love to bring you to heel someday, and you’d love it as much as you loved my general’s uniform, I want to make you submit to me, to let me _use_ you. You'd look so beautiful on a leash, or restrained, spread out and bound, tethered up, cuffed and gagged, straining. Bite marks look beautiful on your skin, but welts from a whip would look even better. If you only knew how close pain can be to pleasure, James. I could make you see stars with your eyes closed. Or blindfolded."

Jim had blushed even more, with every word Khan had uttered, his eyes had gone round with surprise and shame, and his manhood had gone rock-hard with arousal.

"I...I can't do that."

"Because you're captain?" Khan sneered.

"I...yes, that too, I can't let you do such things, you..."

"Do you trust me, James?"

"I...I mean...you...yes, I do, but..."

"I promise you, nobody will ever know. I'll be careful with any marks, I'll leave none where they are visible for anybody. I'll treat you afterwards so even your doctor friend won't see."

"But...it would hurt, wouldn't it?"

"Of course it will hurt, that is rather the point, or one of them. But I'll make you like it, James. I promise you'll like it."

Jim pondered the offer for a few moments. "I don't know, Khan, it seems so..." He huffed. "I know you can be cruel. I don't know...I don't like it when you're cruel. It's rather creepy."

"You must trust me, James, and you _can_ trust me on this. I know what I'm doing. You said I'm always ordering and pushing you around, well, that's part of it already. Just let me try a few things and we'll go step by step, I'll try not to let it become too much at the beginning. You can say 'enough' at any given moment and I'll stop right away. I know it all sounds quite scary but it's really not. You can feel safe and relaxed with me at any time, you have my word."

Khan caressed Jim's cheeks while he spoke. He could see that Jim was a little intimidated, but also very curious. The very thought aroused Jim, Khan could tell.

"You'll stop whenever I tell you to?"

"I promise," Khan said solemnly. "But I'm warning you now, there's a lot of depravity I'm in for. You will be marked, you will be humiliated, you will beg and scream. But you'll also come as hard as you never have before."

"Fuck," Jim whispered. He lifted his hand and poked Khan's chest with it, an endearing gesture. "You WILL stop as soon as I ask you to, and you will never leave me hanging. Promise me."

"Word of honour. And you know what honour means to me."

"Okay. What do you want me to do?"

"For one thing, to take a deep breath and let yourself fall. Relax, and don't think about anything at all but your pleasure...and my pleasure. Don't be nervous. You won't even notice us slipping into the filthy depths of this game."

Gently, Khan kissed Jim, lacing his fingers through the blond hair. But instead of releasing it again as he usually did, he pulled at it, first softly, then stronger, pulled the man in front of him down to his knees. A cry of protest escaped Jim's lips when he hit the ground.

"Quiet, pet. Strip. Pets don’t get to wear clothes.”

Still a little uncertain, and slightly ashamed, Jim undressed, letting his uniform lie in a rumpled heap beside him.

Khan tutted quietly. "We'll try this again, shall we? When I order you to strip, you fold your clothes and put them on top of each other."

"Well, how should I know?" Jim protested. "Isn't that a little off topic, me folding my clothes and all?"

Khan could see this would take some time and effort. Obviously, James had never been in touch with the leather scene. Was that even still existent in this day and age?

"I've told you a second ago, which means you know now. When I give you an order, you don't ask, you don't protest, you obey, unless it is something that you really don't want, then you say that. It is not the subject matter of my order that is important but your obedience to it. That's the first thing you should remember, James. I expect better from you next time. If you struggle against my authority, I will punish you in the future. Since this is the first time, I'll be gentle this once. Just let go of the thought that you need to resist and hand all decisions over to me. It's a game, James, and we can only both enjoy it if you play along."

While speaking, Khan had laced his fingers through Jim's hair again, stroking the scalp to soothe the rebellion he could see in the man's eyes. Jim was nobody to relinquish command easily, and Khan's body and mind buzzed at the realisation that he'd have to break this stallion first, and then the success would be oh so much sweeter.

"Now...tidy up your mess, pet. Then I'll give you a little reward."

Grumbling a bit, but more or less obedient, Jim arranged his pile of clothes until Khan was reasonably satisfied. He petted Jim's head.

"Good boy. Now crawl over to the bed for me and bend over the side, arms stretched out right and left. Ah ah ah," Khan chided when Jim moved to get up and pushed the man down again. "I said crawl. On your hands and knees, James. Let me see you."

Obviously, Jim caught on a little more now, because he made a show of crawling the few metres to his bed. Khan could practically see the man's smirk, even though he only had a glorious view of his backside. This was good. These games were always more fun if they were teasing each other subtly, not one rolling over and one working.

Jim draped himself ornamentally over the side of his bed and, as ordered, spread his arms out like a bird in flight.

Satisfied with the view, Khan went and got the lube from the bedside drawer. Spreading it over his right hand, he knelt behind James, still fully clothed. For now, this was still about James and getting him used to the new sensations, teaching him to like them. So his own lust had to wait. For now.

He reached around Jim's waist with his right arm and caught his half-hard manhood in a slick grasp, pumping it gently to make it stand at full attention while his other hand pressed down on the other man’s back possessively. Jim moaned underneath him as Khan bent down to lay his cheek next to Jim's ear.

"This is how it's going to be, James. If you are obedient and perform to the best of your abilities, I will reward you and you will enjoy yourself. If you are slacking and insubordinate, you will be punished, actively or passively. But as long as you are a good pet, you have nothing to worry about. I will dole out pain as pleasure and as punishment, there is a difference. One you will like and one you won't. If you find it hard to bear a punishment, I need you to think of the fact that you've done wrong and you deserve it, and bear it for me like a good pet. If you really can't take it, you need to tell me right away. I can tell you that it will take some getting used to, any kind of pain. I'll try to acclimatise you to it slowly. But the most important thing is for you to feel safe and good, and if you don't, you need to tell me immediately." Khan caressed his subject's back with his free hand. "Would you like a taste of what it's like, James? I promise I'll go slow."

Jim, compromised by the electricity running through his body, nodded obediently but said nothing. Khan could feel the tension but the arousal as well. The first time was always a little scary, he could understand. But Jim must know he was in good hands, the Augment knew that the young captain trusted that he wouldn't hurt him since they had had their first time together. Well, at least not more than was necessary.

Khan lifted his body again, keeping his hand on Jim's cock and aimed the first blow at his pet's left cheek, then let his hand fall without force.

Jim yelped, but more with surprise than pain.

"It will take a few minutes for it to become pleasurable. Can you take more?"

The young man nodded again, bracing himself. Khan let his thumb swipe over the glans of Jim's cock as he let his hand fall again, on the right buttock this time. The blond grunted. Swiftly and alternating sides, the Augment dealt six more blows, keeping it light. Through the mix of pleasure and pain, Jim's member got even harder, just as Khan had hoped.

"Ready to take it up a notch?" the Augment asked, letting his voice go deep and alluring while he caressed the reddened skin gently and even bowed down to kiss it. He felt the heat radiating from his lover's flesh and swiped his tongue across it, blowing on it to cool the skin down a little.  
Jim sighed with the relief, but didn't respond.

Frowning, Khan flicked the most certainly stinging skin insistently with two fingers.

"Ow!"

"If I ask you a question you will answer me, pet," Khan said in a strict tone.

"Yes...I mean...I don't know if I can take more...I mean I guess I can, but...oh, my head feels so fuzzy..." Jim murmured, his eyes half closed.

"That's normal, James, it's the adrenaline,” Khan answered, a little gentler this time. “Just relax. I've got you. If you feel strange, and not in a good way, you tell me."

"Is that an order, sir?" Jim grinned and lifted his head a little to peek over his shoulder.

Khan let it go this time and just nodded earnestly instead of punishing Jim for his cheek. If he started to punish him for every little impertinence, his partner would stop trusting him and dig his hooves in.

"It is. Because it's crucial. You must know when you can take it and when it's too much. I can't always know. Now, let's continue. Open your legs wider, James."

As Jim obeyed again, Khan let go of the man's length and slicked up his fingers once more. He started fingering Jim's entrance, and the young man moaned, pushing back against the finger Khan was tormenting him with. Khan had waited for this and chuckled darkly.

"Eager, are you, pet? Do you want it so badly, so quickly? Fine...I can give you that." Without further warning, he shoved one long finger deep inside his subject, and a second followed almost immediately, and Jim cried out. Still smirking, Khan slapped the side of Jim's thigh, a little harder than the blows before, and felt the younger man twitch around his digits. He rubbed over the prostate cruelly, not caring about Jim's keening. This wouldn't be too much, not yet. Jim liked it a little rough, or Khan wouldn't have suggested these kind of games at all. He knew Jim could take it. He added a third finger and slapped Jim's behind again, where his buttocks met his thigh. Jim groaned and pushed back more.

"See, I knew you'd like it, my little whore. We will have so much fun together," the Augment whispered in his deep, velvety voice, slapping the man in front of him again, and yet again.

"Fuck!"

"...you?" Khan laughed darkly and forced his fingers apart inside of his lover.

"Yes!" Jim breathed heavily, pulling his arms towards him and fisted into his blanket.

"Ah! I didn't say you could move your arms! Let go!" Khan ordered in a harsh voice and gave Jim's back a sharp blow, the strongest yet.

"Oh!" Jim cried out and stretched his arms out again right away, more in shock than the conscious wish to obey.

"Good boy. See, this happens if you disobey, pet. I take less pleasure in punishing you than in rewarding you and making you feel good, believe me." He pulled his fingers out roughly. "Ready?"

"Take me!" keened the younger man, wriggling his behind with want.

Khan tutted and flicked the bruised flesh of Jim's buttocks again. "You don't give me orders, pet. You don't even so much as talk if I don't ask you to, least of all when you only have cheeky comments. I guess I'll have to teach you that lesson first." His voice was deceptively calm, almost gentle, but full of danger nonetheless.

The Augment got up, got rid of his shirt quickly and stepped towards the bed. Jim was already looking over his shoulder, ogling his muscular lover.

"Move over."

Jim moved, so that Khan could sit on the edge of the bed. The Augment opened his trousers to let Jim know exactly what was to come.

"Now put your impudent mouth to some good use, pet. And I'd advise you to be thorough and get it nice and wet if you don't want me to make you scream later."

A hissing breath escaped the man's lips and he shuddered, searching his lover's face for a clue that he wasn't as dead-serious as he looked. But Khan didn't let anything show. He just caught Jim's chin between two fingers and pulled the handsome, boyish face towards him, letting go when Jim's nose was almost touching his flies, leaving no room for misinterpretation.

Hurriedly, Khan's young lover set to work, pulling the clothing out of the way and mouthing at the hard length fervently. As Jim sucked his manhood into his hot mouth, Khan moaned and leaned back slightly, supporting his weight on his arms, but still towering over Jim to monitor his work closely.

For a man who had never sucked cock in his life before his Augment lover had come along, Jim had learned a lot during their few weeks together, and he was still getting better. Khan would have liked to say he had trained his pet well, but that would only have been a part of the truth. The key to giving good head was actually really simple, apart from certain techniques; you had to really feel like doing it and you had to really enjoy it, the rest was details. And Jim did nothing by halves as soon as he really wanted something. And most of the time, Jim really wanted whatever Khan was offering to give him.

But this was not just mutual enjoyment, this was supposed to be a lesson as well, even though Khan really did not want to push it too far this time, lest his lover should feel too intimidated and restricted. So Khan laced his fingers through Jim's hair again and slowly pressed Jim's head down on his length more and more. The young man spluttered and tried to pull back, his hands braced on the Augment's thighs to push himself away. Khan let him, at least for a moment.

"Breathe, James. Relax your throat. You'll take it. If you don't want me to shove it down your throat myself then do it alone this time. But I won't always be so gentle with you, remember that, pet."

Jim looked up at Khan and kept his clear blue eyes on Khan's blue-green ones while he opened his mouth again and tried to fit more of his lover's cock into it. After he had come a few centimetres deeper than before, though, he had to stop again. Khan petted Jim's blond hair encouragingly without shoving. It felt heavenly, to have the warm, wet cavern wrapped around him. Yet he saw that Jim couldn't go any further; his throat was fighting the intrusion. After a minute of trying and failing, Jim pulled off.

"I can't, I'm sorry. Will you...will you punish me now?" he asked after a second's pause, nervousness in his roughened voice. Khan felt his heart leap at the sight and sound. It was so endearing, but he tried not to let it show.

Khan let his fingers run through his boy's hair and pushed a few sweaty strands out of the blue eyes in an almost loving gesture. "I will never really punish you for trying and failing to do something for me. I might punish you for not trying. But never for failing. Unless you want me to. But I don't think we're quite there yet. Now, what's the lesson you were supposed to learn?" he asked, holding Jim's head up with his index finger.

"I don't give you orders," Jim said submissively. Khan had to repress a smirk at that; Jim was, after all, still his captain. But fucking, enslaving and oppressing a – theoretically – superior, excited Khan beyond measure.

"Very good, pet. So how do you phrase what you wanted to say?" Khan took Jim's face into his hands possessively and stared into his eyes. "Do you want my cock?"

Jim flinched only marginally, and nodded. "Yes, I do."

"Say it, then."

"I want your cock."

Khan's lips quirked up in a wicked smile. "Then beg for it." Cruelly, he put his hand on Jim's length again and felt it straining into his palm. "Beg."

Jim smiled, almost looking angelic if his eyes had not still been a little watery from the recent blowjob.

"Please?" He leaned forward and licked along Khan's length again, which caused Jim’s cock to slip from Khan’s grasp again. "Pretty please?" Greedily, he sucked one of Khan's balls into his mouth. It looked and felt scandalous and absolutely heavenly.

Khan let a soft moan escape his lips.

"Please, Khan, take me, please," Jim purred as soon as his mouth was unoccupied once more.

Khan smiled and got up.

"Stay."

Jim stayed.

Khan walked to the closet where he knew Jim kept his clothes, and his belts. He took one of them, closed the wardrobe door again and turned around while folding it in two. Jim's eyes were big and round and practically glued to the belt in Khan's hands. The Augment took both ends of the folded leather, brought his hands close together and then pulled them apart again in a quick gesture that made it crack dangerously.

"Shit, Khan, what are you planning to do with that?" Jim asked, obviously more than a little worried, forgetting his role and position for a moment.

Khan smiled soothingly. "Don't be afraid, James. Get onto the bed, on your knees, your hands gripping your forearms behind your back. Now," he added in a more dangerous tone when Jim continued to stare at him.

Jim scrambled onto his bed and positioned himself as he had been told. His dark and dangerous lover came up behind him and caressed Jim's behind, back, chest and abdomen with the cool leather. The younger man shivered.

Slowly, as not to startle his subject more, Khan wrapped the belt around Jim's arms, loop after loop, and closed it so that it fit snugly and gave Jim no leverage to use his hands howsoever. Then he arranged Jim's pillow an arm's length in front of the man's knees and bent him over slightly so that he could work his hand between Jim's cheeks and into his hole again. Jim squirmed as the wriggling fingers breached him once more, and he would have toppled over, had Khan not slung his other arm around his chest and held him. The Augment was kneeling next to Jim, a little off to the side, so he could hold and finger him without losing his own balance. When he had three fingers inside his lover and was rubbing the man's prostate continuously, Jim started to keen and pull on his restraints.

"Khan, please, oh please..."

"You know what to say," Khan said in a cruel sing-song voice, entirely too amused.

"Please fuck me, I want you in me, I want your cock, please!"

"Good boy. Such a fast learner, and such an eager little pet." Khan nibbled at Jim's ear. "Such a good little whore. I think you've earned it."

Shuffling into position directly behind James, Khan removed his fingers and slicked up his member generously. He gripped Jim's bound arms and, thus steadying his lover, he eased the man's torso down while he made his hips stay up. Jim's face came to rest on his pillow, and he pulled on his bonds again, instinctively trying to get his hands free to steady himself in this uncomfortable position. Slowly, Khan eased himself into Jim's body, relishing the stretching, clenching flesh around his cock, and pushed forward until he bottomed out inside his lover.

"Oh James," he sighed, closing his eyes for a moment, just enjoying the feeling of being sheathed inside of Jim's hole. Then, he gripped the man's sides and pushed him down onto his stomach, so that Jim's hips were on his pillow, pushing his plush arse upwards a little. Jim moaned, rutting his hips against the fabric, simultaneously impaling himself further on his partner's length.

"Please move, Khan, please, I'm burning up, I'm so on edge, please. Have a little mercy here, I beg you."

Khan chuckled. "Don't think you'll get off so easily in the future. This was nothing, boy." He started to move with languid, gentle thrusts that quickly became a hard pounding against Jim's already abused arse cheeks. The young man underneath him cried out with the sensation before long. A sheer endless string of profanities dripped from the Augment's lips to make his subject lose his mind even more.

"Gods, you look so beautiful, writhing under me, my little eager whore! I would actually have liked to whip you with your belt until you scream, I'd have made you lay down and open your legs for me and then I'd have lashed your thighs and your arse until you'd have been crimson red. I'd whip your back until you have loads of lovely welts everywhere and you can't move without thinking of me, for days. I'd love to taste the tears you'd weep.” Khan let the tip of his tongue ghost over Jim’s cheek. “I want to make you my good little pet with a leash and collar, and I'd let you kneel between my thighs or make you crawl around the room so I can look my fill as long as I like, and then I'd just mount you like the bitch you are, I'd take you on the floor, and up against the wall, and bent over the table you sit around with your friends, and over the couch where your first officer reclines in the evenings, not knowing, not suspecting he's in the very place where I screwed his captain senseless. There'd be no place in your rooms where I wouldn't have used you for my pleasure. Would you like that, my pet?”

Jim keened when Khan bit his earlobe. “Yes! God, yes!”

“Very well. I could also cuff you to the bed, James, and milk you again and again for hours on end until you scream as soon as I even touch you and you're mad with hunger for me. You'd cry and wail and beg like a common slut for me to finally take you and let you come. I'd gag you to silence you, and then I'd have you, rough, like an animal, shoving in too hard and too fast.” To emphasize his point, Khan gave Jim a few brutal thrusts, and the blond keened beneath him, rutting into his pillow while also trying to push back into his lover.

“Your whole body would feel like it's on fire. And before long, you'd come to me and beg me to do it again. And I'd make you scream again. Look at you, good little whore, rutting into your pillow like a filthy dog. You'll sleep on that, James, you'll sleep on that and smell us, won't you? And it will make you want me again and you'll rut into your mattress, alone in your bed, you insatiable slut, and you'll imagine me fucking you, filling you, coming in you, and you'll come screaming my name. Come, James, and scream, come on my cock while I'm fucking your filthy little hole. Go on, scream for me, you little cockslut!"

Dizzy with his own lust, Khan bit Jim’s shoulder until he tasted blood.

Jim let out a long, loud wail and came all over his pillow, thrashing under his tormentor, twitching and pulling on the belt that still held his arms like he'd go mad any second. Khan let go when he felt the warm flesh around him pulse and spent himself inside his lover with a foul Hindu curse and a roar. Exhausted and satisfied, Khan let himself collapse onto Jim's back, still inside, and took a few deep breaths.


	13. Nobody called down a soul for me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now, this chapter is full of important things. Khan and Jim talk a lot, and get quite emotional a few times. Also, Jim takes Khan for the first time. Fluff, smut and loads of Khan's musings about past and future. The evening could have ended perfect. It doesn't, though.

Neither of the men moved for several minutes until Jim whined from underneath the Augment.

"Khan, I can't breathe, you're heavier than you look."

Khan chuckled and got up, leaving his lover's body for good, grinning at the filthy sound it produced. He unbuckled the belt and massaged Jim's arms until he could use them again. The young captain still groaned when his shoulders protested against the movement.

“Ow! Ah, you bit me! I’m bleeding!”

“Sorry,” the Augment answered, touching the skin under the wound, unable to keep himself from licking up the drops of blood. “Do you mind?”

“No, it was hot, but... Fuck, you'll destroy me one of these days. Urgh...this is still so embarrassing," Jim complained when he sat up and felt the by now familiar trickle between his thighs.

"Oh James," Khan laughed lightly and threw himself down on the bed in the best of moods, "you're still so squeamish. Maybe I should pull out when I come instead, and make you lick it up?"

Jim made a face. "God, you're gross."

"Sometimes. If we ever switch roles, you could make me lick it up, too."

"Khan!" The young captain grinned a little bashfully and slapped Khan's chest from where he was sitting next to him.

The Augment hissed and he could almost feel his pupils dilate again. His cock twitched with interest, and Khan saw that Jim saw it, too. "I told you before: careful, James, unless you really want to start this."

“I’ve given you a few thrashings now and they didn’t do anything,” Jim grinned, trying to not stare at his lover’s crotch and failing.

The Augment smiled. “You’d only have to use the right tools and also learn the most important lesson about pain first: it’s not necessarily how hard you hit that determines how much it hurts. It’s where.”

The blue eyes of his lover betrayed his lust. “Then where would I want to hit you?”

Khan grinned dangerously. “All the places where I wouldn’t hit you because it’s too delicate. If you want to hurt me, then you should try the areas where I normally like to be kissed. The more I like the kisses, the more I will like the pain there, too.”

“But you like to be kissed everywhere, without any exceptions,” Jim purred and bowed down to suckle on one of Khan’s nipples.

“Precisely,” Khan purred back.

Jim sat up, looking at his lover with a certain awe, but also incredulity. ”You mean…” At a loss for words, Jim let his hands trail over Khan’s chest.

“Yes,” his dark-haired lover smiled affirmatively.

Questioningly, the younger man also caressed Khan’s belly, his thighs and crotch, even the soles of his feet, and each time he stopped, he earned a “yes” from his lover.

“I...wouldn’t that be too much?”

“You know, James, sometimes all one wants is to feel...alive. Pain does that for me.”

Jim chewed his lower lip. “And how would you want me to do that? With my hands?”

“Your hands, your fingers, your belt maybe. I’d probably prefer the belt.”

Jim pushed his spoiled pillow away and laid down next to Khan, cuddling close and trading lazy kisses. This had become a ritual only fairly recently. Except after their first night together, they hadn't done much cuddling, had denied their need to do it, until a few days ago. Now, Khan stroked his lover's face with gentle touches and Jim let his hands wander over Khan's strong, perfect body. It felt so nice, so right, that Khan sometimes almost forgot that he had his soulmate waiting for him somewhere else and not here.

“Well, I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised, should I? You’ve been a wild one from the start. I’d always be worried, though, about hitting too hard or not enough. Mostly, you don’t feel it, as I found out on Qo'noS and...in our first night."

"It sounds rather romantic when you say it like that, James. But about that: my body is trained as a warrior's body. I can ignore pain or choose not to. My pain receptors are just as operative as anyone else's. But when you are in a fight, adrenaline keeps your body from most of the pain, doesn't it? It's very similar for me. When you tried to give me a proper thrashing on Qo'noS, I didn't react that much, first because I was surprised, then because I knew if I hit back, your Vulcan would shoot me. So I endured it, and since I'm healing quickly, it wasn't so hard not to flinch. But you can be absolutely sure, James, it hurts. It heals just as quickly, if there is something to heal, but at first, it hurts. I'm just used to more pain than the lot of you. I grew up with pain. I've known a lot of physical pain all my life. I guess you know that the pain limit one can endure gets higher and higher with experience? Mothers, for example, can endure more pain than the average human because they've gone through childbirth. And I can endure more than any of you, because I’ve gone through hell."

Jim caressed Khan's hairless chest, obviously deep in thought.

"But why would you want me to hit you in bed, then? Why does it give you pleasure, if you've had to endure so much cruelty at the hands of others? Shouldn't you be...traumatised or anything? Not that I'd wish you were, but..." He trailed off.

Khan shifted and pulled Jim closer to his chest in a lover's embrace.

"Augments don't experience trauma the way humans do. We heal better, even psychologically. Some things take some time to fade, some do not bother us at all. Moreover, as with many humans, one side of me can abhor pain and the other can enjoy it, without clashing. And you've seen that there is a huge difference in experiencing violence when you are unwilling, and when it comes tinged with love, when you can control it and say no. And there is one more thing that even traumatised humans can do: overwrite the experience instead of letting the anguish consume you."

"And that is why you want me to do it?" Jim asked, frowning with the effort to cram all this into his head.

"No, James." Khan kissed his human gently, twining their tongues for a moment. "I would like you to do it because I _like_ it. It frees the mind. It's against all my instincts, but I like the feeling of the white hot, icy pain creeping through my veins, I like to feel the adrenaline, I like to have my intellect stop for even a few precious seconds, and my mind go blank, and I don't have to think anything, _be_ anything more than the primal creature behind all my masks and walls. If only you knew how tiring it is to be always alert, always watchful, always so _cagey_. And being in a certain sort of delirium due to pain during lovemaking can thus feel incredibly liberating."

Khan hesitated, unexpected emotions boiling inside his chest. He shifted again. He didn't actually want to say anything more out loud but it spilled from his lips before he could stop himself.

"Sometimes I feel like those damned scientists who made me...crammed so much _purpose_ and other _stuff_ into my head and body that even _I_ rarely get to see who I am when you take all that away. I can live like a machine for years and never really stop to think what _I_ want instead of just doing what I was made for. I wasn't made for...myself, James. You were born and meant to be a creature of your own, find a purpose in life, find your way and do what you want.” Khan’s heart felt heavy when he continued. He hadn’t ever realised how much this thought bothered him.

“I wasn't...I wasn’t even born. At least I don't think I was. Some religions would even say that I don't have a soul, because you get your soul in the womb of your mother.”

He hesitated before sharing the next bit of information, but he still said it. “In our culture, we do something we call _‘pukaarana’_ , which means to call upon a new soul in the moment of mutual ecstasy while joining your body and soul with your other half, calling it down and inviting it to join you and your partner in the body of the one of you who is blessed with the means of bearing new life, to be nurtured and loved, and to grow into a new being. So our children, Augment children, are conceived by calling upon a new soul to join us, that is the...romanticised version of what I told your doctor about our methods of procreation and contraception.”

Khan looked at his own hands, very much ashamed of his next words, but so deeply saddened by the very thought that he had to say it, if only to get it off his chest. He had never said it out loud, not even to Neera, but had thought it all his life. “Nobody...nobody called me. Nobody called down a soul for me. I'm...” He wrung his hands, feeling pathetic. “I often feel hollow. I'm not human by birthright because I wasn't born. Nobody wanted me. And nobody wants us now. We're treated like a problematic property of Starfleet. Even as rulers, we were prisoners, caged by our own genes."

The Augment leaned back, letting go of Jim, and stared at the ceiling. "I'd so want to know what would have become of me if I had been an ordinary boy, with nice English parents. I like to imagine that I had grown up as a normal child among normal children. I'd have scuffled with other boys my age on the always dusty streets, and I'd have come home, black and blue, and my mother would have treated and comforted me, and my father would have ruffled my hair proudly when mother wouldn't see. And they'd have tucked me in at night, and I would have had songs for bedtime. I'd have kissed the first girl in some alleyway, and then another and another, I'd have had girlfriend after girlfriend, heartbreak after heartbreak, until I'd have met the one who truly loved me. I do love Neera to death, but even our marriage was pre-designed. We had no choice but to end up together, and even though I'm happy with her...free will is something I rarely got to exercise. Sometimes I think that it would have been nice to be able to doubt, to have my heart flutter and to spend sleepless nights thinking about her and if she really loves me and if we'd have our happily ever after. Instead, everything was predestined, we tried to fulfil the purpose we were made for and we failed to bring the world peace. We made a war happen, and thousands upon thousands of people perished. Nobody ever wanted us. It was all for nothing. I'm for nothing. And I don't even have a soul to release to a new body when I die." The Augment heaved a sigh, feeling incredibly sad and empty and useless.

He felt a gentle hand on his chest, over his aching heart. "Khan, stop that," Jim whispered gently. He had sat up and was leaning over the Augment now to take his face into his hands. "You say nobody ‘called’ you and nobody wants you. _I_ want you. You can find a purpose now, you're free from everything but your own self-doubts. You are an amazing man, you are intelligent, you are talented, you are...everything! And for the protocol, I don't believe for a second that you don't have a soul, and how do you detect a fucking soul anyway? Nobody called me either. I'm pretty sure my parents didn't fly through the hemisphere, thinking about their future child when they made me. I can actually confirm that there's not much a man can think about in THAT moment. Maybe _you_ can. Sometimes. Even though you always look rather enraptured when you come." Jim smiled at his lover and caressed the angular face that looked so soft at the moment. He kissed those sensual lips in a heartfelt gesture. "You don't normally give me the impression that you think yourself worth nothing. Quite the opposite. And you are...you are just as worthy of being loved as anyone else."

Khan's heart leapt into his throat.

"And...am I loved?" he asked, very, very quietly.

"You might just be," Jim replied, just as quietly. "In a way. I've had the feeling that I might fall for you at some point for a while now."

"It's the hormones in your body, James," Khan replied, his voice sad. "That and my genes in your body. They create those feelings. It's like with Neera. We don't actually have a choice but to like each other."

Jim’s eyebrows knotted together in indignation. "Khan, if I think about the fact that you killed Pike, I could still throttle you. There are enough moments where I'm not exactly one with you. And even _I_ have been in love before and I can tell you, nothing MADE me be in love with you. I struggled quite a bit against it, actually. But resistance seems to be futile when it comes to you."

Khan searched the other blue pair of eyes for some hint that the man was lying or uncertain and found nothing.

"So you're in love with me? Just like that?"

"Probably. Yes. God help me, I'm in love with the most exquisite man I've ever known."

"Creature," Khan corrected automatically.

"Man," Jim said with emphasis. "You're not a creature. And I don't care how your fucking soul made it into your fucking body without being called. Being called is boring, anyway. Breaking down the door when nobody expects anything of you is how fabulous people do it. I've been there, I know."

At that, Khan finally laughed. He kissed Jim fiercely, tangling his fingers into the blond hair, and pulled the other man closer. Wild joy filled his heart for a moment. Funny, that he had talked about this only minutes ago; falling in love slowly, with all the uncertainty. And what was being in love anyway? Jim would never, could never, replace Neera, because they were two completely different people who meant different things to him. But at the moment, Khan did not ask himself what it was that he had with his captain. Jim filled his heart with joy at the moment, and that was all that mattered for now. They had no future together, anyway, but it was nice to have this right here and right now. The emotional turmoil he felt now was different, better. It blew away the suffocating fog in his mind that told him he had no right and reason to be alive, told him he wasn't wanted, apart from by his family, who were not wanted either. Jim wanted him. For the first time in his life, he was welcome somewhere. Not by all, admittedly, but that was to be expected. And the fact that James wanted him, valued him, a brave, good man who loved his family as much and fought as fiercely for them as Khan himself would, made him happy for a tiny, shining moment in his existence.

He let his hands wander over Jim's golden-skinned body, his chest and sides, his behind, his thighs, and pulled him ever closer, onto his body, still kissing him. He felt his member fill out again, and Jim's manhood twitched against his thigh, even though it had been only a few minutes since their mind-blowing climax.

"Uh, Khan...?"

"What?"

"I don't think I can go again, I feel really sore..."

"I don't want that, I want for _you_ to have _me_ this time. I want to give myself to you, James, now." Khan clung to his lover's neck wantonly, rubbing up against the strong, if human body. His female side was taking over.

"I...really?" There was surprise on Jim's face, clear as day.

"I've told you we'd do that some time, why so surprised?" Khan smiled alluringly.

Jim shook his head. "I...I don't know, I just didn't think it would be so soon, I mean, you spanked and fucked me not half an hour ago."

"Things change, sometimes quite quickly. And I want to feel you. You make me happy, and I want you."

Jim's face lit up with a surge of joy. "I make you happy?"

"Would you stop questioning every little thing I say, and take me already?" the Augment grumbled impatiently. Even though he wasn’t seriously angry with Jim for hesitating, he felt a little exposed. The last time he had given himself to a man willingly had been long ago. Khan was, by nature, a leader, a dominant male, and he loved as such, too. Only sometimes, when someone really touched his heart, not necessarily with a deep kind of love, but with real kindness and the love that came with friendship, then he had short moments when he wanted to hand over his body and trust, even if it was just for a short while. Of all people, Jim was a man who deserved his trust.

Jim laughed. "Now, who is giving who orders? Are you even in the position to do that?"

"I'm always in the position to do that, James, and now shut your mouth and fuck me," Khan said in an imperious tone.

Jim grinned, but his facial expression changed into one of guilt the next moment. "I don't think I can. My body is not as good as yours, you know, at recovering. You destroyed me just fifteen minutes ago, utterly and completely. I may even have blacked out for a moment, and now you want me to do you, when I'm not even sure that I could satisfy you when I'm well-rested. You'll have to give me a moment more, I'm afraid..."

"No! I want you now!" Khan reflected for a second, pondering his options. There was only one.

Jim, meanwhile, was already up for protest. "Hey, I'm not a machine, I can't..."

"Give me your Hypo and an empty vial."

"What?" The young man blinked.

"Just do it."

Flabbergasted, Jim obeyed, rummaging in his bedside table and producing a hypo and a vial for it that he had emptied already.

"How do you know I have it?"

Khan gave him a pitying look. "Please, James, don't insult my intelligence. You got it from McCoy weeks ago after we started sleeping together, because you were too sore to sleep properly."

Ignoring Jim's blushing face, he fiddled with the instrument.

"More importantly, what do you WANT with it?"

"I want to give you a bit of my blood...if that's okay for you." Khan looked up at his lover, who was still lying on top of him.

Jim blinked. "You...want to dope me into having sex with you again? With your blood."

"Problem?" The Augment gave Jim his most irresistible smile. "It won't do any harm, it will only make you feel refreshed and strong and it will also heal any sores you may have. Come on, this won't be the first time you inject substances into your body to make you feel good. And this one is legal and even good for you. It saved your life once.”

Jim hesitated for a few more seconds, but then a loving smile spread over his face. "You're such a whore, Khan, I never would have thought you'd practically bribe me to do it with you. Alright, fine, dope me."

At other times, Jim's words would have made Khan angry, but now he just gave his partner a sly smile. He felt his female side surge to the surface even more. It was small, but there nonetheless.

With nimble fingers, he manipulated the hypo to take in his blood and then held the tiny needle to Jim's neck like a blade.

"Ready?"

Jim smiled and ground his hips into Khan's. "Hopefully in ten seconds, yes. Punch it."

The Augment pressed the button and emptied the vial into Jim's neck within a second. Jim winced at the feeling shortly, and cracked his neck while Khan put the medical instrument back onto the bedside table. Then he grabbed the back of Jim's head and pulled him in for a kiss. Jim complied at first, but then he hissed through his teeth as the blood began to work its magic.

"Holy fucking...oh! You can't be serious..."

Khan felt Jim's body tremble and ripple.

"That's...Khan that's amazing!" Jim blinked, looked around him, let his fingers glide over certain parts of his body where Khan had bruised him. "Fuck! Bloody fucking hell, the pain is gone! And I feel like I could run ten miles in a second, how the f..."

Khan put a finger on Jim's lips. "Language, captain. Just enjoy it.”

“Is this how you always feel? No wonder you’re such a haughty asshole sometimes.”

“I’ll just pretend I didn’t hear that, James. But you don’t feel how I feel, my body is not only made up of blood. Your muscles are not made for it, I can only give you a boost, like adrenaline does. You won’t ever be able to see in the dark just because you have my blood in you, because your eyes are not made for it...”

“Wait, you can see in the dark?”

Khan sighed. “I didn’t give you my blood so you could freak out about my abilities."

"Noooo," Jim grinned and bowed his head to nibble Khan's ear. "You did it because you're randy as a bitch in heat and the only way to get what you want right now was this. Oh, and of course you also did it out of the goodness of your heart, healing me and everything."

Khan let Jim's ministrations relax his muscles and purred: "Oh captain, I've killed for less than your impudent words. Now, James..." Khan kissed the younger man again, holding him locked in an embrace nothing could break. "Shall we begin?"

The Augment ground his hips upwards and Jim hissed through his teeth again. Khan knew why, he could feel it on his hip, his lover's arousal, as strong as if the man hadn't had anyone in a week.

"Fuck, Khan..."

"Exactly your mission, captain, and now shut up and take me already, or I'll hold you down and ride you, I don't care! But I would prefer for you to MOVE!"

And finally, Jim moved. He ground his hips into his lover's, sliding his manhood against Khan's, and wriggled between the Augment's legs. Jim grabbed the lube dispenser and sat up a little.

"No need to be too gentle with me, James, I can take it rough, and I want it rough."

"What if, after all I've heard about your past, I don't want you rough? What if I feel like taking you slow and gentle?"

Khan's features softened at the words and the slick fingers probing his entrance.

"We'll have time for that, love. Later. But I really want you hard and fast just now, please, will you give me that?" Khan felt close to begging, but resolved that he wouldn't, not more than he already had. He felt Jim's manhood twitch, and knew that the young man wouldn't be able to resist a quick, passionate roll in the sheets if he gave him the right incentive. And Khan was good at incentives of any kind.

However, when Jim's gentle fingers wandered over his chest and abdomen and caressed his thighs and pelvis, his resolve to influence his lover melted a little. No, this was James, his James, if he could allow himself the thought, and he had resolved to give himself to the man. He spread his legs wider to give Jim more room, and promptly felt his lover's fingers warm and gentle against his skin again. It had indeed been a long time, and the feeling of the fingers breaching him was unusual at first, and even reminded him uncomfortably of Marcus. With the difference, he chided himself, that Marcus had not been gentle. The bastard had raped him, violated him, but he wouldn't think about that, he wouldn't let that memory ruin this for him. Khan made his thoughts change direction. He thought of the gentle lovemaking he had experienced with Jim, the other way round. At the beginning, Jim had been so insecure, so shy, almost virginal, and the Augment had loved every second of it, it had been so endearing. Khan knew that when he had first taken Jim, it had been the captain's first time bottoming for a man, but not with a man in general. He knew there had been the occasional adventure with a man in Jim's life, always as the leading part, so he had no worries now. Granted, James had seemed to know nothing about some important things, but then again, Jim had told him that there had never been time to work out the finer details. But now he knew the details from his own experience and...oh!

Jim had really learned something in their time together! Khan's whole body froze momentarily with lust as Jim found the sensitive spot inside of his lover, and he arched his back.

"Again! Please, do it again!" Khan said breathlessly.

Jim grinned. Holding still. "You're such a whore, Khan."

The Augment glowered at the younger man like a Jungle cat. "I'm warning you, Kirk, I'm not to be trifled...oh!" Khan writhed. The human really had a devilish side. Every time the Augment's body was assaulted, again and again, he swore revenge and pleaded for more, inwardly at least. Aloud, he moaned, louder each time, until the sensation was so intense that he almost howled with it. His body recognized the pleasure and enhanced it. In those moments, Khan cursed and loved his artificial genes. He asked himself in some small, still marginally rational part of his mind, if it felt the same for normal humans or if pleasure really was better for Augments. Maybe, with Augment blood coursing through Jim's veins at the moment, he'd find out.

"James...ah...stop, stop!" Khan almost whined when he felt his body tensing up with the oncoming climax.

Jim stopped, dutifully, at least the direct stimulation, but he kept moving his fingers gently to stretch his lover further.

"Please, I want you! Get on with it, will you?" Khan panted, relishing the sweet stretch tinged with a little pain.

"After your endless teasing?" Jim prompted, but Khan looked up at the man with such pleading in his eyes that Jim seemed almost shaken.

"Please."

The young man hesitated only for a second more.

"Alright, calm down, I've got you."

When Jim's weight finally settled fully on Khan's body, the Augment sighed with the relief of feeling his lover inside, finally, finally feeling him. He was so much gentler than the last man had been, not as rough, not as hurtful, and the press of his lips on Khan's own was melting the final sparks of resistance. Ever so carefully, Jim began to move, but Khan would have none of it.

"In case you are holding back for my sake: I don't need it. I've nothing against it if you WANT it this way, but you can't hurt me. Even though I'd almost want you to. For the love of your god, James, take me already or I swear..."

Whatever Khan would have sworn, Jim silenced his powerful lover with a kiss, just as he began to really move inside the other man. The young captain watched, enraptured, as the former criminal and king threw his head back, desperate for more, more contact, more pleasure, and finally, Jim picked up the speed to give his friend what he wanted, needed, craved, by the look of it. Khan's hands came up on Jim's shoulders, holding, guiding and bruising him, but whatever scratches the Augment's sharp nails left were healed immediately. Jim worked the man under him with a vigour they had both never seen, spurred on by the alien blood in the human's veins. Khan could see the wonder and enjoyment in Jim's face at the realisation that he was not only able to keep up with the Augment, but also cause him a sweet kind of distress.

"James, I..."

Jim must have felt the body tense around him, heard the warning, but he kept going, even doubled his efforts, and watched the normally haughty, powerful man come apart under him. The Augment's back arched upwards and he clung to his lover as his climax ripped through him, his mouth hung open in a silent scream, his eyes squeezed shut, his brows pulled together, his black hair plastered to his damp forehead, painting his stomach and chest with white ribbons.

But the man he clung to didn't stop moving. Instead, he grinned mischievously.

"I wonder if your stamina is so good that you can come again right away." Jim licked along a line of seed that had hit Khan's collarbone as he came, and Khan moaned.

"Is this revenge?" the Augment asked weakly, but made no move to push Jim away.

"Maybe," the young man grinned. "Up with you, I want you from behind."

"No!" Khan grabbed Jim's shoulders with both hands in a sudden gesture, his eyes pleading again. "No, I want to see your face! Don't turn me around, please. I'm not ready for...that." The words had left Khan's mouth before he knew what he was saying. He shouldn't experience any dread at the thought of being taken as Marcus had taken him, but maybe the wound was still too fresh after all. Khan was ashamed to admit this weakness, but Jim didn't seem to care if it was weak or not, he only hid his concern and gave him a reassuring smile.

"Shhh, love, if you don't want that, we don't do that, very simple. But there's something else I'd like, if you want it, too." Jim lowered his head and kissed away the worry on Khan's face.

"What do you want? Tell me. Anything. Anything." Despite the sudden surge of discomfort, Khan was still hungry for more. His member had softened against his belly, but the fiery knot in his stomach was still there. He had dealt with his own lust for almost seven decades, so he knew that coming once or even twice wouldn't fully satisfy him, not with a lover like James, anyway.

"Would you ride me, Khan?"

Jim's blue, hopeful, gentle eyes hovered above him, and Khan felt a smile spread over his tense face. As unusual as it was for him, Khan felt a certain gratitude for his lover. James really was what all his friends knew him to be; gentle, kind, understanding, while never mocking others' weaknesses in the wrong moment.

"Yes," Khan breathed, and felt himself harden again at the very thought.

The two men kissed yet again before Jim rolled them over so that Khan came to lie on his lover's chest. He sat up, towering over the younger man, who was caressing Khan's muscular chest with his soft hands, looking awed by its beauty. When the Augment began to move slowly, Jim moaned, and bucked up into the other man's body, which caused Khan to keen in response.

"More, James, more, do it again! Again!"

Jim gave Khan a few good thrusts before he pulled Khan's hips down, pressing him on his lap and onto his hardness almost cruelly, and the prolonged pressure made Khan writhe. It was too soon, even for Khan's own standards, but he felt the heat coil inside again.

"Oh James!" Khan whispered tenderly, his hands braced behind him on Jim's thighs while he continued to ride him, "James! Please, touch me!" His tone was urgent, but his voice was a quiet murmur.

His lover obeyed, and Khan shouted with pleasure. His whole body shook, and he came yet again. The evidence of his last orgasm that night not yet dry on his skin, he spent himself into Jim's hand, who stroked him until Khan collapsed on Jim's chest, exhausted for the moment.

After a minute, the Augment looked up.

"You still haven't come, James...why? Is something wrong?" Khan asked, a little worried, feeling strangely young and small.

But Jim smiled at him and kissed his lips. "No, I just wanted to see this happen. It's incredible...that was, what, five minutes? Not even that, two maybe. I didn't know that was possible."  
"To be honest, neither did I. It just happened. It surprised even me." Khan smiled down at his captain and combed back his hair with his fingers.

Meanwhile, Jim let his sticky hand trail over the milky tracks on Khan's abdomen, then lifted it to his mouth and licked his index fingertip.

"Will you indulge me for a few more minutes or do you want me out?"

"No," Khan said and gave Jim a short peck on the lips, "Take what you need. Don't hold back. Let me feel you one last time for tonight."

Jim smiled, and his smile turned into a mischievous grin as he rolled them back over and started pounding into Khan once more. It didn't last long, but it didn't have to, and now, even though he was still somewhat aroused, Khan could finally appreciate Jim's facial expressions, the muscles that worked under his skin, the pure ecstasy on his features and the soft pulsing of his member when he finally came inside. Khan held the shaking human, now just as exhausted as his wildcat of a lover, in a tight embrace, one arm around his waist, one hand in his hair, and felt the captain's hot breath against his pale skin where his shoulder met his neck. Jim hadn’t pulled out yet, and Khan relished the feeling of being connected.

"I'm so in love with you, James. May the gods have mercy on me. You even _smell_ like you're mine. Now even more than normally. This is so dangerous. It could ruin us. But by Shakti, I am _so_ in love with you. How am I supposed to leave you?"

Jim let a lazy hand trail over Khan's side.

"Are you planning on leaving me, then?"

It sounded neither sad nor playful, only exhausted and calm, as if it wasn't really important.

Khan turned his head towards his lover's and kissed his blond, almost steaming hair.

"We won't stay together for long, you know we won't. You know this cannot last. Someday, maybe in months, maybe in years, but some day my family and I will leave, exiled or not. Maybe my people will spread through the galaxy, maybe we'll be banished to some planet to live there, but in the end, I will leave you. I've a wife and soon a child. She's part of me. I've never felt so far away from her, but I have also never before lived so long without her as these last years. We're made for each other, quite literally. And you can't have a love affair with your science officer forever, not in secret, and not without disciplinary..."

Jim had put his (clean) hand over Khan's mouth.

"You know how to ruin an afterglow, dude. Why do you have to think about that now?"

Khan took away the hand from his mouth.

"Because it grieves me now, and now most of all times. I feel...I don't want to leave you behind, but I know it will happen no matter what, and it grieves me."

He twined their fingers together, never taking his eyes off their hands.

"And time would separate us sooner or later, anyway. You age. When you are my age, you'll be an Admiral, a chubby, white-haired smart-ass with a sweet wife and a bunch of children and grandchildren. You’ll be a decorated hero of Starfleet and people will come to you for advice and guidance. And when I am old...forget that, I am old. But when you are old, I will probably still be the same. I'll still be out there, unchanged, with my wife and our children, maybe on some star base, maybe another planet, with my people or without them. And at some point, news will reach me that your wife is grieving for you, that all Starfleet is grieving for you, the great captain Kirk. And there'll be a funeral and half the galaxy will come, and they'll talk about what an extraordinary man you were and what a fine officer, that everyone loved your rebellious youthful cheek and your talent. They'll talk about your deeds, your achievements, all the success you found in your life." Khan looked at the other man and touched his rosy cheek with his fingertips. "And all I will be able to think about is this moment, and all the other moments when I had you in my arms. They won't ever know, all the comfort and warmth you have given me, all the trust and faith you had in me. They'll mention your bravery and your cheek and your intelligence, but I will think of your kindness and your love. Of the way your skin felt on mine, of the way your eyes softened when you saw me, the way you were never afraid of me, the way you were kind to me when I would have killed you, had you done to me what I've done to you." Khan rolled them both onto their sides so they were facing each other as equals. Jim slipped out in the process, but Khan didn't care. "And again I curse fate that I am different. I am only waiting, not knowing what to do with the heaps of time I've been given. I've seen so many loved ones die in my life. And someday, it will be you."

"I'm still very much alive now, thanks a lot. Why do you care what happens in fifty years? I'd prefer it if you'd be here with me now, you drama queen."

Jim leaned forward and pressed his lips to Khan's. His voice was still gentle and loving.

"And who says we won't know each other then? Is it so improbable that we'll grow old together? I mean, I'll grow old and you'll only count your years, but still. Who's to say that you won't be in my front garden once every year when I'm retiring to Risa, mocking me with your timeless good looks and letting your seventeenth child play with my grandchildren?"

"This is not how things go."

"True. Because things only go like that if you put effort into it. Fate is not written in stone, Khan, even though I know you think yours is. If you let yourself be carried away with the tide, it's certain that you won't ever return to land, but hell, there are easy means to keep in touch these days, and if you really don't want to lose someone's friendship, you don't. It takes effort, but it's not something one is totally powerless about. So stop your gloomy pouting and start to live in the here and now. Don't grieve about things that might never happen. You might be just on your way in a few years, but it's possible I'll fight to keep you, in whatever way."

Khan met the captain's eyes cautiously. "You'd fight to keep me?"

Jim nodded. "Possibly, if you deserve it. You're not a bad man. I'm not saying you're a good man, either, but you've potential to be one. As you've said so often, you are multi-layered, you have good and bad sides. And, to use your words, may your gods and my god have mercy on me, I'm fucking in love with you and I don't regret a second, damn it. You didn't turn my life around completely, but you've enriched it massively. You may not be the one person I want to spend my life with, but you're one of them. And I won't let you go with only the justification of you saying 'you know this cannot last'. We'll make it last as long as we want to. I don't believe in no-win scenarios, and I don't believe that we're powerless when we face the future, we MAKE our future."

Jim had spoken more and more heatedly, and gripped Khan's hand tightly at one point. Khan pondered Jim's words, but a smile had spread across his angular, normally cold face and transformed him. He leaned forward to kiss his young lover.

"My fierce lion. If anything can give me hope in the dark wasteland I perceive my life and future to be, it's you." He kissed Jim again, and Jim kissed him back.

"Yeah, I'm the fucking sun, baby," Jim said dryly and Khan chuckled. He wondered, again, what it was about the man that could pull him out of the black pit that sometimes dominated his soul.

"Don't call me that," Khan smiled, and got up and out of bed to get cleaned up.

Behind him, Kirk giggled and fought his way out of the tangled sheets as well.

"What are you sniggering at?" Khan asked when they entered the bathroom.

Jim grinned next to him. "Oh, nothing. You know I will tease you with that now, don’t you? And also...you look pretty fucked. It suits you, as usual, because nothing ever makes you look less than great, you bastard, but hell, the stuff is everywhere."

Khan looked down his body and had to admit that Jim was right; there were smears of seed all over his skin and on his thighs, and actually trickling down his legs. The Augment grimaced and began to wash himself, until he noticed that Jim was still watching him with a big grin plastered across his face.

Khan sighed and turned around demonstratively. "What? Shouldn't you be getting into the shower?"

"Sure, babe. But I'd rather watch you."

"Prick."

"That too."

Khan sighed again. "Give me a little privacy here. And stop calling me that."

"'Babe?'"

"Yes, that!"

Jim laughed. "It's much too amusing to see you pretend to fume about it. And what the hell do you need privacy for? I think we've rocketed past the point where we're supposed to be shy about our bodies and smashed it into tiny bits, you know, screwing each other senseless in every possible position and way during the last month?"

"Sometimes there are things the partner doesn't have to see. Things that can ruin some of the magic. And now get into your bloody shower and stop grinning."

Still airy, Jim turned around, but slapped Khan's behind in the process before he stalked towards the shower. "Can't stop grinning, sorry, baby. I just fucked Khan Noonien Singh, and I loved it."

"If you don't watch your impudent tongue I'll take you again, here, on the cold, hard floor, until you've learned your place," Khan ground out, trying to sound menacing. But in his current position, it wasn't going well.

The blond snorted. "That supposed to be a threat? You repaired any damage and I feel like you've given me a fucking strength potion, I feel great. _I_ could go again, it's _you_ who just came the third time this night and got out of bed to wash up like a soiled cat. In fact..."

Jim came back and crowded Khan against the cold tile wall. The dark-haired man hissed at the feeling and looked at Jim from beneath his fringe that had fallen into his eyes again. He felt his lover hard against his hip, yet again, and made a mental note not to dope the captain with his blood ever again...or maybe every single time from now on.

Meanwhile, Jim pressed his body against Khan's, smearing his skin with the very body fluids again that Khan had worked on removing, and twined their tongues, his hand on Khan's neck to pull him closer. As if on cue, Khan's body reacted and shot another wave of white hot desire through his veins. Gods, when would he get enough of the man? He felt his manhood touch Jim's, and groaned at the heady feeling that spread through his whole body, from the back of his neck to the tips of his toes. Hungrily, Khan surged forward and captured Jim's lips in a bruising kiss of his own, wrestling for power as both of them tried to shove each other either into the wall or onto the floor. After a few moments of heated, playful scuffling, Khan used his superior strength to take Jim down with him as he sat on the fluffy rug (which would look absolutely disgusting afterwards, the Augment thought, but he couldn't have cared less in that moment) and pulled the young man onto his lap, their cocks touching gently.

"Do it, James, one last time, I want to come with you, the same way as you, together, as equals, please James," Khan whispered between more kisses and dug his nails into Jim's back, arse and thighs, almost impossibly ravenous with lust. Without hesitation, Jim grabbed their cocks and worked them with one hand, adding to the silky friction between them that was so delicious, yet not enough. Smearing his hand through the wet trails on Jim's chest, Khan added his hand to Jim's between them, adding lubrication and more pressure. The two men groaned in unison, and the young captain started rocking his whole body against the panther that was his lover. He had let go of their joined lengths, letting Khan do the work, and clasped his hands around the back of Khan's neck to get some leverage to move. Electric sparks shot through the Augment. Having a body underneath him was his nature and satisfied his dominant side. Letting a man take him or giving a woman control over his body was heady and always made for a passionate storm in his blood. But this...this felt like so much more, like such a deep connection. This was not merely to satisfy their carnal cravings. This...affair had started as exactly that - a carnal craving, simply a WANT, an overwhelming need to claim the young man, outrageous and beautiful as he was. But as Jim leaned his forehead against Khan's, and he could feel the hot puffs of breath on his skin as Jim moaned wantonly on his lap, he felt it again, the warm trickling up his spine, into his skull. The warmth of love.

There were different kinds of 'love', Khan knew, maybe better than any human. Most humans didn't seem to distinguish between the types of love life held in store for them. Khan did not know how exactly it was for other, simpler brains, but he could never love two people or things just the same way. He loved Neera, under normal circumstances, most of all, in a very special way, would always love her, no matter how complicated it was at the moment. But in this moment, this precious moment with his newfound lover, James Kirk dominated all of Khan's heart. Later, it'd be different again. But in this moment, his heart told him he loved James...and he could barely keep himself from whispering it into the man's ear. For most humans, loving seemed to be reserved for only one person. But it felt so restricting to deny what his heart was screaming at him at this moment. He let the warmth of this love wash over him and felt himself slowly falling over the edge into the maelstrom of lust and endless feelings, screaming wordlessly, his body rigid with the tension...and then it was over. On the very fringe of his consciousness, he noticed, with a little time lag, than his scream had been echoed by the man on his lap.

Spent, Khan sagged, barely awake. He was exhausted. Even his Augment body had its limits. There had been hardly any time between his climaxes, and his heart was racing.

"Khan? Are you alright?" Jim touched his cheek softly.

"A moment, my love." Khan breathed in and out deeply, then he opened his eyes again, a little refreshed.

Jim looked just as wrecked as Khan felt, and they smiled at each other, drunk on the bliss that flowed through their veins.

Khan leaned forward, touching his forehead to Jim's.

"If I said that I loved you," Khan whispered, "would you freak out and think everything's going to change? Or would you accept it because you feel the same at the moment, in your drunk heart?"

Jim smiled and kissed him. "I think I know how you feel. If anyone's love would double instead of lessen when there's more than one person in your heart, it would be yours."

Moved that the captain had gone from thinking him a heartless monster to understanding that his heart was capable of maybe more feelings than a human's, Khan smiled back at Jim. "Then I love you."

Jim beamed at him, casually massaging the Augment's shoulders. "Feels good to say it, doesn't it? Let's test that theory." The blond leaned towards Khan's ear. "I love you."

A warm shiver went through Khan's body. "Yes, it feels good, saying and hearing it."

"I've always been afraid to say it, because it comes with so much responsibility, at least usually I feel like that. But not with you."

"You owe me nothing, James. The joy upon hearing you say it is all I claim for my own. I've always found it fascinating how these words can make one feel so alive." He kissed his captain yet again. "I love you, James. I love you. By the gods, it feels wonderful to say it. I love you."

"I wonder, you've grown up with more than one language, right? Have you ever said it in any other language?"

"Of course I have."

"In how many could you say it?" Jim asked teasingly.

"All of them.  All Earth languages, that is," Khan added, thinking of Uhura with her Alien dialects.

"All of them?"

Khan smiled and let out a string of sounds that didn’t sound like any language at all.

Jim's eyes got round. "What the hell was that?"

"Xhosa,” Khan said, beginning the word with a strange clicking sound. “It's African, one of the many dialects. I guess Nyota would know it."

"Huh. You call her Nyota, do you?" Jim frowned, but could not hide the playfulness.

Khan caught himself wanting to stick out his tongue at the other man. "Yes, I do. She told me the first day we really met, a few weeks ago."

"What! She refused to tell me her first name all the time, I probably still wouldn't know it if I had not heard Spock say it!"

Khan laughed. "You see, I know how to treat a woman, and you don't."

"Oh shut your face." Jim got up and stepped towards the shower. "Please join me? I'll hold your ears closed if you want. But you really can't get into your clothes like that. Please? Just try? For me?"

"Silver-tongued devil," Khan sneered, but he followed Jim into the sonic shower. It was bearable, after all.

They stepped into the cabin together, and Jim placed his hands over Khan's ears as promised. The Augment snorted at him, but the blond man kept grinning and indicated the button that would start the programme. Khan pressed it, and felt the waves hit his body. Bearable. Not altogether unpleasant, actually, with a second body pressed to his. And with Jim's hands over his ears, as ridiculous as it must look, the ringing sounds were not quite as bad.

Obviously, Jim wanted to distract Khan even more, because the Augment felt soft lips on his and a body pressing against him, throwing him a little off balance, even, so that he was forced to take a step back until he felt the enclosure of the shower on his back, where a knot, probably a transmitter or whatever it was, poked into his back, vibrating unpleasantly.

Then, before he knew what was happening, Khan felt a white hot, sharp, sheer unbearable pain race up and down his spine, into his skull and down to his toes. His eyes rolled back into his head, he fell, but before he hit the floor, darkness claimed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Weeeell, it doesn't look too good for Khan, does it? I dare say the dramatic side of this story is picking up a little speed here.
> 
> Would you please please consider dropping me a comment? Please? ^-^


	14. Ball and Chain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Khan wakes up in Med Bay and has some very unpleasant hours to go through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, thank you sooo much to everyone who is still reading, and who's staying with this delusional fabrication of my imagination! (if you have not already, maybe this would be a good time to leave kudos? ;) )  
> As long as even ONE is enjoying theirselves when reading this stuff, it's worth all the endless hours of work I'm putting into this (and I am, make no mistake, and I'm sweating over it and working late at night and I should sleep more and worry less and I just can't and I'm freaking out that anyone really does want to read what I'm writing).
> 
> This is a rather short one. I'm still pretty much ill myself, sleeping lots under heavy medication, and I can't work quite as fast on this as I'd like to. The whole story is basically finished, but I'm always editing as I go along, and now comes the part I have to work on, in my opinion, pretty heavily, as the events in the last part span several years in the end and I don't want to rush through everything too fast. Please bear with me a little, I certainly won't stop posting, it'll only take a while longer for each chapter from now on. 
> 
> Hugs and kisses!  
> Your knight in heels!

Pain. Sizzling, boiling pain.

As Khan's brain came back online, it assessed the damage. Countless nerves scorched, his limbs immobile due to burning pain and loss of muscular function. His backbone, his skin, everything felt as if it was bubbling with heat, as if he was melting. The feeling filled him with dread, it was so familiar. Acid. It had to be acid. They had subjected him to it as a child, but only small portions of his skin or a hand, and even then had it been one of the worst feelings he had ever felt. But this was worse, this was _inside him_. Khan whimpered and tried to breathe, but something on his face, in his mouth, made it almost impossible. Panic spread through him, even hotter than the pain, and he lifted his cauterized hands to try and pry whatever restricted his breathing from his face. His hands didn't obey for long and fell back down.

"Noon, no!"

Strong, small hands held his wrists just as Khan felt oxygen flow into his lungs without his doing. He must be hooked up to a machine. Where the hands touched his skin, it felt inflamed and painful and squishy in a very sickening way. There was a flurry of movement and voices around him. Even though he noticed only now that he had not opened his eyes, he could not, either. This time, though, it seemed his body's own fault.

"Shhh, _Priy_ , it's alright, stay calm, you're in hospital, they're taking care of you." Neera, that was Neera's voice! Did they have her too? No, taking care she had said. Hospital? Who'd take care of an Augment? Seeing them heal was the point, wasn't it? They were not taken care of, they just weren't, they were monitored. Khan groaned. It hurt, it hurt so much! Even breathing hurt, even though the machine did it for him, his chest expanding with new air hurt. He wouldn’t beg for them to stop whatever they did, he was a warrior, born and bred, and warriors didn’t beg, but that didn’t make him WANT to beg any less. Had he passed out during an experiment, would they punish him? Would they punish Neera? She interfered with an experiment, did she not? That wasn't allowed. Why was she not locked in her cell?

"He shouldn't be conscious, damn it! The anaesthetic would kill a bear!" More movement, the voice was moving. It was a dark, smoky voice, made for whispering and...grumbling? Bones? What was Bones doing here?

"Hurts," Khan wanted to say, but the tube in his throat made the word indistinguishable. Khan retched. Bones wouldn’t punish him, and he wouldn’t mind if he displayed weakness by saying that it hurt. If Bones was here, he might be safe from the other doctors. But that thing in his throat...Khan retched again.

"Shhh, be still, my love. Can't you give him something for the pain?"

"The morphine in his blood wouldn't just kill ONE bear, I can't give him any more, I don't know what it'll do to him."

"Bones, just try, he's hurting, please!"

James!

Khan's head jerked in the direction of the captain's voice. If they hurt James! He couldn't be here! He shouldn't be here! He mustn't see him, small, young, hurt, crying. The movement sent a stab of pain through his neck and Neera hissed like a cobra, ready to strike.

"Don't you come near!"

"Calm yourself, Neera, please."

"It's his fault! He probably planned this!" Neera shrieked in response. She sounded panicked, hurting, desperate. Khan didn't want that, he couldn't bear it. He had to stop it, offer her protection from whatever was scaring her. Was it Marcus? Was Marcus behind all this? He had to protect her, but his body wouldn't obey. Marcus had to know he could have him if he only left Neera in peace.

"I didn't plan this! I didn't know this would happen! Why would I do such a thing to him?!"

James did that? Khan felt betrayed. But it couldn't be true, James wouldn't hurt him, would he? James was just a human, he couldn't hurt him. Where had the fire in him come from?

"Neera! Jim wouldn't, he couldn't have done this on purpose, nobody knew this could happen. The implant must have malfunctioned..."

"Get it out! Get all of them out or I swear I'll rip your throat out!" Neera screeched from the top of her lungs.

"I can't - no, security, stay where you are - I can't, be reasonable, I can't hurt him further, look at him, I can't cut him open now, please, Neera, do calm down or they'll remove you in the end."

Remove her? No! Before Khan's inner eye he saw the cryotube with his dead daughter, how they removed the body to toss it away, burn it. Were they burning him now? Were they getting rid of him after all? But what about Neera? Would they kill her, remove her, too?

"Sedate him already! Stop him making that noise!"

Who had said that? No knowing. Noise? Was he making noise? Noise was forbidden. He'd be punished if he was too loud. But what noise?

His mind went blank before he knew it.

 

"He's white as a fucking sheet."

"Be thankful he's not all red and blistery anymore. The acid must be out of his system, finally."

"I still can't believe it...how could that even happen? Did they plan this?"

"Hard to say, but I don't think so. I guess they simply didn't think about it enough. The implants were coming out, his body expelled them, they didn't think of that, either, or they would have anchored them somehow."

"It's disgusting, what they did. Acting like he's on probation, even hearing his appeal, but he carried those things inside him. I didn't like the idea from the beginning, no matter what I thought of him then. I can see now why the report about those things was so vague. I thought they'd, I don't know, shock him or something, freeze him to the spot in case he went rogue. But this is horrible."

"Not taking chances with him, I guess. Marcus had a lot of friends. When he came aboard I was flattened that he wasn't rotting in some prison. But the kind approach has helped, obviously. He's tame as a kitten now that he has what he wanted, what he needed. I don't think he's evil. Their genes drive them to extremes, but they can't help it, it's how they were made. And I guess a hell of a lot of bad experiences don't help their bedside manner."

"He's not evil. He wants what everyone wants, he just wants it more. You will get those other implants out, will you?"

"I don't think I'm allowed to. Starfleet Command..."

"You WILL get them out. On my responsibility. Who knows what the rest will do. This thing...it wasn't even very big, right?"

"Diameter like a walnut, no thicker than a pinkie. The acid it had been filled with was highly potent. Got triggered by your shower. About that, Jim..."

"Don't say it, Bones, please."

"You can't write that in the report, they'd have your head..."

"I know I can't fucking write that, but what am I supposed to say?" Pause. "It's my fault, I made him...he never...you know, showered at my place before, but I..."

"You couldn't have known. The thing was too sensitive. It shouldn't have triggered anything at all. And the rest of the story is your own private business, Jim, yours and his."

"You'll get them out."

Sigh. "I will. Though I am a bit worried that we won't be able to control him."

"We don't need to. He's not dangerous if we don't treat him like a roguish animal."

"Jim, you're compromised. I don't actually think he's plotting something, but what if we're wrong about him? If you're wrong? He's a master of manipulation, what if he did everything he did to get us to this point, to getting the implants out?"

"He didn't. I know it, Bones, he's not shamming. He doesn't have a reason. He's got everything he wanted, his crew, his wife..."

"...a Starfleet captain completely on his side, fighting for his freedom..."

"He deserves it! You have no idea what he's been through. What people have done to him. I know it’s hard, after what we saw of him a year ago, to believe that there’s more to him. When I first saw him, he was a cold-blooded murderer, highly trained, highly advanced. Khan the terrorist, once Khan the tyrant. All I can see now is a man who has been wronged over and over again. Khan the orphan who grew up under torture and whose family members were murdered by one of our own. A man who would probably have turned out very different if life and loads of people had been kinder to him. The things those people did..."

"What he _says_ people have done to him. Don't get me wrong, Jim, I don't think he's lying, but he could be, and everyone would doubt your word if they knew he's gotten to you in the most intimate way, even if it's just sex and maybe some kind of friendship." Pause again. "Is it more than sex and friendship?" Pause. "Oh Jim, no! Don't tell me you...what, you couldn't keep your hands off any woman for years and it never did anything and now you fall for...for HIM of all people?"

"Oh, and you didn't fall for Neera, right?"

"That is different! I'm not captain and she's not a criminal!"

"I'm fine. I've got this under control."

"The hell you..." Pause. Deep breath. "I certainly hope so, Jim. Does he know? That you have feelings for him?"

A dry laugh. "You could say that."

"And he didn't wring your neck?"

"No, he...actually..."

"Oh Jim. Please don't tell me. What did you do? Confess your love for each other after a long and sweaty night? Kiss passionately and vow to stay together? Jim, that's his blood cells on your body, nothing more. Well, maybe your sex-crazed brain finally collapsed, too, endorphins and such can have that effect on the brain. You're not in love, you just share..."

"Shut up, Bones. You don't know anything. Not about this. And as you just said, this is private, between him and me."

A huff.

"How much longer?"

"At the rate his body regenerates, I think he should be okay soon. It's very hard to tell with him. He could actually be awake right now, I don't know what dosage he needs of bloody anything. I'll go check on Neera."

Steps. Then breath on his face. Somebody was bowing over him. Khan's head wasn't at all clear but things were starting to make more sense.

"Khan? Can you hear me? Move your eyes or something if you can."

Khan let his eyelids twitch as if he was blinking, but didn't open his eyes. It seemed like too much work.

"You're awake? Really?"

He let his eyelids twitch and lifted his brows, too.

"You git," Jim said, but it sounded relieved and amused. "How do you feel? Any pain?"

Sweeping his eyeballs from left to right, Khan indicated that there was none.

"Exhausted? Tired?"

An affirmative movement of the eyes. Yes, he was terribly tired. His body must have worked at full blast to heal him, and had used up loads of energy. He was hungry, but he didn't know how to signal this without opening his mouth or moving otherwise. He noticed only now that he could breathe freely, no machine was helping him. The damage was repaired, his body reported back. Tired, hungry, exhausted, but not hurt, not pained. He felt like he had struggled through a particularly hard case of bubonic plague or malaria, or both combined.

"Khan? I'm sorry this happened. I didn't know what it would do, I promise. We'll get those implants out." A warm hand settled on Khan's own. He turned his, and grabbed the fingers carefully, squeezing for a second. Even this little gesture felt exhausting.

"It's my fault you're in this mess."

"No." It was merely a croaking, but it was audible. Khan tried again. "No," he whispered. "Not your fault." Then a detail filtered through his recent memory. "What happened with Neera?" His speech was slightly breathless and slurred but Jim obviously understood.

"Stress, but she's alright now. She didn't take it well, what happened to you, and we have to sedate her from time to time, because she was breathing fire and her and Bones were worried about the baby. She consented. Said she couldn't see you like this. But you're pretty again."

The baby. Right. A shining, white pinprick of light in his conscious.

"How long was I out?"

"Not quite a week. It was hard to get the stuff out, but Bones managed. But we're not done, Bones says he doesn't want to beam the other implants out, in case it triggers them, too. So he'll have to get them out manually. It means cutting you open. Whenever you're ready. I'd like to do it as soon as possible, but it's up to you."

"‘And here, shipmates, is true and faithful repentance; not clamorous for pardon, but grateful for punishment.’”

“What?” Jim sounded absolutely clueless about what Khan meant.

“I'll keep them," Khan specified. Really, the boy had to brush up on literature.

"Bullshit. They're barbaric."

"I won't use my relationship with you as leverage to escape my sentence."

"Don't listen to what Bones said. I don't believe you'd use me. Those implants will go, I won't let anyone of my crew run around with these."

"James, they'll punish you."

"I'd like to see them try. Those things are illegal and one went off without an intentional trigger."

"Be reasonable..."

"I am. No, shut up. That's an order. It's time people stopped seeing you as a killer machine. What is wrong with you? Months ago, you convinced all of us that you’re not one. And now you’re, what, turning the tables?”

Khan coughed and cringed at the pain that shot through his body. “It’s because of you, James. All of you.”

“What?”

“You!” Khan coughed again when the effort he put into a slightly louder tone strained his body far more than it should have. “You, James, you’re good, far better than me. A grey stone may feel light next to a black stone, but will ultimately see its own flaws next to a white one.”

Jim made an exasperated noise that almost – almost – managed to mask how touched he was by Khan’s words. “Stop being so cryptic. Pull yourself together. You have to heal properly and you can’t do that while you’re moping. Your appeal, by the way, has been heard. They're rolling up your case again, and that of your people. They have to let you go on more probation, after all you've been through and the way you're made. And they can’t let you keep those if they are really trying..."

"It may not be entirely my fault, but that doesn't mean I'm not dangerous, James,” Khan said calmly.

He could almost hear Jim biting his lips. Because that was the whole problem, wasn't it? You couldn't let a tiger loose in a city full of people just because it wasn't his fault when he attacked. And Khan was even more dangerous than a tiger, even if he could use his brain to try and be well-behaved. But he knew about himself that he had an aggressive, malicious side.

"You're NOT evil, Khan. And you're not disturbed enough to be a general danger to people. What you did was for your family and they won't be your responsibility for much longer as soon as they are awake. You served your sentence. Time to help you for a change."

That made Khan smile. Nobody who wasn't family or servant had fought for him in a long time.

"How did I actually get here? What happened? How did they find me?" Khan kept his eyes closed, but his fingers stroked Jim's hand in his.

Jim shifted, obviously uncomfortable. "Well, you collapsed naked in my shower, body fluids, lube and everything. What do you think? It was bloody awkward. The damn sonic rays from the pulser that hit your back when we...well, it must have triggered the implant in your lower back. I swear I didn't know. I didn't even think much about the fact that you were - are - a walking minefield. Anyway, you collapsed and your skin got all blistery and you had tremors, like a seizure, so I didn't even think long, and called Bones. You can't imagine the look on his face when he came. His doctor instincts kicked in right away but he wasn't - and isn't - comfortable or happy to find you naked in my bathroom. It was quite a traumatic evening for all of us, if I might say so."

"I must have been quite a sight after the night we had," Khan joked and quirked his lips up.

"You can say that again. I never managed to get dressed myself before Bones came, I couldn't concentrate on anything but you, I was...so afraid..."

Khan waited, but Jim didn't say any more.

"You were afraid for me?" he asked quietly.

"Yes, I mean...the implants were made to keep you under control, but what if they'd killed you? It actually seemed like the one thing alone would. It might have. I don't know what these bastards were thinking! One, it was only one! And look what it did to you! I can only hope they didn't know what dosage...no, that's actually not good either. Oh screw them, we're getting those out, and if it costs me my position. I'm in the mood to sue their asses for personal injury. What if you hadn't changed rooms and your own shower would have caused that? Nobody would have found you! You could have died! I..."

"James, James! Please, don't shout like that," Khan groaned.

"Sorry, but it's so..."

"Kiss me?"

There was a moment of stunned silence, then a huffed laugh and fabric shifting, warmth radiating off a face above Khan's own face, and then soft lips on his.

Khan sighed into Jim's mouth and moved his lips with the other man's. It was barely more than a soft caress, but it felt beautiful. Jim nipped on Khan's plush bottom lip and then his warmth vanished, even though Khan lifted his head a little to get the soft mouth back on his, but to no avail. He had always had a hard time admitting that he needed warmth and caresses in time of weakness, so he didn’t ask for another kiss and kept silent instead.

But Jim seemed to know anyway and remarked in a somewhat apologetic tone: "If Bones catches us snogging in his Med Bay, he'll throw me out. Better not push it. Kissing you excites me far too much, anyway. I don't think it would sit well with anyone if I ran around sporting a hard-on."

Khan chuckled and leaned back once again. "You're so easily aroused, James. One of the things I love about you."

"Yeah, I know you love my dick. Thanks a bunch," Jim teased.

"Please tell me I didn't just hear that!" Bones' voice said from the direction of the door. "Jim, you great big... Out! Out!"

 

A day after, Khan came back for the medical procedures that would remove all implants from his body. There were six active plus the empty one in his back, and the sedative wasn't working properly, because McCoy was of the opinion that the dosage Khan would need throughout all the procedures might stop even his heart. The relatively small dose Khan got would have let a human fall into happy delirium, but it barely did anything for the Augment. His body was built so that it could not be drugged. Khan wished, not for the first time, that it weren't.

So Khan lay on his front in the Med Bay's room for more severe operations, naked save for his hips that were hidden under a thin sheet, and ground his teeth, telling himself he had known worse pain. His body was again hooked up to machines, providing him with all sorts of rubbish that probably didn't help him much anyway.

"You're a goddamn minefield," McCoy grumbled from time to time.

’I am past scorching; not easily can’st thou scorch a scar,’ Khan thought and wheezed quietly.

First, he had taken out the implants in Khan's legs, one in his left upper thigh and one in his right calf. Whoever had designed the implants and chosen the places they'd be in, had obviously given this some thought. A disconcerting thing to think about, when it had went all so wrong. Khan should have felt angry and rebellious, but he didn't. He would have, months ago, years ago, but somehow, the time spent on the Enterprise and the close proximity of his balancing wife had changed him from aggressive to...well, quite tame and happy, actually. At least for the moment. Khan knew the aggression would come back, it always did.

Such thoughts provided a half-hearted distraction from the pain as his arms were now sliced open. Khan had insisted on restraints to protect the doctor and the nurses, in case he lashed out reflexively, but he had also insisted the restraints were taken off as soon as the cut was done and the implant out. No matter the caution, he didn't want to be tied down too long. His arms hurt, but thankfully, the healing process was in full swing. His legs seemed about healed, but it took a lot of his energy. He was allowed to rest after each cut for about twenty minutes, to catch his breath, rehydrate and let his body get started on the healing.

The empty implant was removed from the region of his kidney, and Khan shivered a little at the thought that he was displaying such trust for the doctor when it would be perfectly easy to just finish him off...no, he wouldn't think about that. Bones wouldn't do such things. He was not one of the horrific doctors he had known all his life. The doctor's masterful hands worked with such precision and speed that Khan could not help but be impressed, pain or no pain.

The last one, in his neck, was the most dangerous, and when he had recovered from the other operations over the last four hours in which he had been cut open, bled all over the place, and healed again, he felt that he'd break down immediately if he'd try to get up. Even he had limits. Though he had had much worse wounds, the long time the process took was draining.

"Ready for the last one, tiger?"

"I'm tired. I want to sleep. I need to eat." After all he had been through, all he knew about the doctor, he didn't mind appearing weak before the man. Everyone knew he was way better than any of them, so admitting that he was exhausted by such a long operation was not so bad any more.

"You can, soon, big boy. Just one more."

"Go ahead."

"Okay. Just stay very still, that's a dangerous..."

"I know, doctor, I've studied anatomy in my day. Go ahead."

"Fine."

He felt the stinging pain of the scalpel and repressed the impulse to rip it out. His survival instincts reared. There...there...right there, oh gods, he could feel it...ah, it was ghastly...a sucking, ugly feeling...and then...it was suddenly gone. Khan allowed himself to breathe. His whole body was shuddering with pain and exhaustion. He felt terrible.

"Well done, big boy. Breathe and rest now. I've never seen anything like it, you've displayed incredible strength and bravery today." Something heavy clattered into a bowl and Bones threw himself into a chair, looking equally exhausted as Khan, who felt the cut on his spine begin to close slowly. It took more time than usual, in his weakened state. Machines supplied him with fluids through tubes and oxygen blew on his head from above.

"I really hope you're not in the mood to go rogue now that we have no leverage anymore."

Khan closed his eyes and moved his head into a more comfortable position. "Beware for you are doomed, snivelling mortals," he mumbled and yawned. "I don't think a sheet is the right battle dress for that. I'll put some clothes on before I wreak havoc among you peasants."

"Yeah, right." Khan felt the doctor turn on the heat in the biobed and cover him fully with the sheet that had concealed his hip, so that Khan could sleep comfortably. A warm hand rested on his shoulder for a long moment. Khan had not felt so human for some time, so accepted, by anyone but his James. "I think Jim wouldn't mind if you tried to conquer him in a sheet. Preferably nothing, I guess, though."

Khan chuckled. "Can't conquer everyone that way. And I've got manners, doctor, if I wanted to conquer a ship I'd do it by brute force and not by whoring my way through the crew."

"Good to know. Go to sleep."

And Khan did, amazed at how light he felt without the constant threat of the implants looming over him that he had pushed aside in his head.


	15. Queen of the stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Khan becomes a daddy again! His depression sticks with him, though...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *fights its way out of the depths of bed and painkillers*  
> Fluff chapter with a touch of melancholy!
> 
> I'm alive and will be working like hell on the next chapter from tomorrow onwards, promise!

It would be untrue to claim that Khan didn't have treacherous thoughts. With no leverage, nothing to bribe him with except his crew which they did NOT withhold from him after all, Khan felt that the balance was in his favour. But this was the first time he seemed to be around decent people in this century, and he did not want to be the one to mess it up. And what had he to rebel against? Khan had been made to put things right, but life was pretty peaceful on board the Enterprise, apart from some away-missions Khan now took part in.

Over the next four and a half months, two more members of his crew, Otto and Katie, were revived, and Neera and Khan helped them integrate. As was to be expected, they did so with relatively few problems. To be with his people again made Khan's mood rise. He had fought and bled for this, and now he was finally there, they were there, with him, laughing, talking, learning. The awakening of the other Augments was halted, however, as the time approached for Neera to deliver her baby.

As little as Khan had looked forward to it in the beginning, he had to admit he was excited now. A baby. His baby. Being a father again. He knew he craved it, deep down it was one of his instincts, too, and the thought of holding new life in his hands soon fascinated and moved him. Khan spent his evenings with his ear and hands on Neera's swollen belly, listening and talking to his wife, thinking about names for the child. It awoke memories of past pregnancies of Neera's, when they had done the same, only in their palace, while the sun was shining or rising or going down, on sofas and beds and cushions of silk and gold, surrounded by splendour and sweet flowery smells. Compared to that, their quarters here were rather Spartan, almost military, but even though they both loved riches and grandeur like cats, they had become content with their surroundings and tried to see it as an adventure, one step further along the way.

Khan's visits to Jim's quarters grew sparse as Neera was due any day. Jim said nothing, knowing that it wasn't his place, but Khan knew it made the young man sad and vexed. In accordance with Scotty, Khan did not go to work as more days passed, even though he had not really worked properly in months, as he had to help his crewmen integrate and watch over his wife. Nobody reprimanded him, though, and Khan was thankful for that. Without the implants, he felt more human, more free, less like a criminal who was walking around with a ball and chain around his ankle. Neera's mood was thankfully stable enough, and it provided Khan with good humour most of the time. All in all, it was probably the most relaxed, if not overall the best time Khan had spent in decades, minus the cryosleep. Uhura visited them often, and sometimes she brought the Vulcan with her, which always led to a rather frosty atmosphere between the men that did nothing to disturb the two women at all.

Apart from Spock, Khan could not help but notice that the birth of an Augment child, the first in centuries, was eagerly and curiously anticipated by many on board. Neera had made more friends than Khan had, mostly with mothers and other women who had to do with the day-care she had worked for until it became too exhausting and Khan, always the protector, had insisted she stopped work and took time for herself.

 

It had seemed like he had gotten Neera back only yesterday, and now Khan was calling McCoy. Her contractions had started, and Neera felt that it wasn't long. The Augment woman had wanted to give birth in her bed, so it had been prepared. She also said she wouldn't need the doctor, but McCoy insisted that no child was born on this ship without him at least keeping a lookout, Augment genes or no. So Khan opened the door for the doctor and a nurse only a few minutes after his call.

"That was fast, doctor."

"Yeah well, did you think I'd wait an hour until the baby might be here already?"

"I assure you, your presence here is unnecessary. We're perfectly able to do this alone."

"Yeah, maybe I can learn something," McCoy said dryly and pushed past the Augment.  
Khan was nervous. No, it wasn't the first child he helped into this world, yes, he trusted his own skills, and yet, he was, even if just a little, relieved to have a doctor like McCoy present. The reason that they had not trusted a doctor with their children before was simply because they had none for themselves that they trusted. They never needed medical help, so they had never gotten to know any of the physicians or healing women of the palace better. But they had learned about this in the labs, and since it was the oldest thing in the world, they had gotten through everything without difficulty. Still, it was a challenge, and exciting, and moving all in one. Khan, however, tried not to show his nervousness too much. Neera, completely in her element, seemed calm and happy, lying on the bed, looking positively radiant.

"How are you feeling, my dearest?" Khan asked and sat down next to her while McCoy and the nurse checked all the things that had been prepared, sitting at the other end of the bed.

"Good. I think it's going to start any minute now."

"Fine. Just don't forget to breathe," Khan said, smiling and kissing her forehead.

She glowered at him playfully. "My sun, this is my fourth child. I know what to do. As long as you still know what to do, I'll be fine."

"Of course I do," Khan said indignantly.

Neera turned to their audience. "Doctor, Christine, you'll stay out of this, please, unless anything goes wrong. I don't need any help, except from Noonien. Let me do this as I've always done it, please."

The two medical officers nodded in unison, even though McCoy didn’t look particularly happy. They talked in low voices, about anything, the ship, the work that had to get done, the missions at hand, the insufferable attitude some leading officers had towards health checks. Just as McCoy joked about how hard it was to diagnose some alien life forms such as Keenser, Neera hissed between clenched teeth and clapped her hands over her belly.

"Noon!"

"It's alright, my dearest. I’m here. Breathe."

Khan scooted over a little, and helped Neera into a more comfortable position, shooting McCoy a warning glare as the physician moved to help. This was for them both only, and had Khan still actually been a khan, he would have thrown them out. His protective instincts ran amok and he felt like a tiger, prepared to protect his female and cub. There was nothing to guard them from, Khan knew, and he tried to remind himself of this.

Meanwhile, Neera had settled against some pillows and was humming to herself. Khan had always liked this; her singing songs as she struggled with childbirth. Although Khan liked to sing, he had not done so in many waking decades, not since his own children had been very young. Now than he thought about it...it would be nice to sing to a child again.

Neera started to sing as a small tremor shook her body, and she clung to Khan's hand, but her voice was relatively steady. Music strengthens the soul, Khan thought, as he stroked his wife's hand and listened to her voice, until the moment came when she tensed and fell silent. Khan knew this was his turn, and he kissed her forehead and moved down between her legs to help his child come into this life. He marvelled about the fact that, even though the child was there, only covered by skin, flesh and bone, no more than a few inches away, it still seemed always like the womb was a portal to the other side of everything, and that to pass this relatively small barrier of the body meant the whole world. It was actually the most mundane thing, childbirth, and yet such a miracle.

 Like in a trance, Khan smelled the blood and amniotic fluids on his hands, felt the warm, sticky sensation, and then...a small head, a tiny body, a shuffling movement next to him when Bones came closer, and a snarl escaped Khan's lips, without looking away from the newborn. With flying hands, he took care of the child while he listened to Neera's breathing with one ear. It was calming already. She had been completely silent since her singing had stopped.

After all the most necessary work was done, Khan really looked at the baby for the first time, wiping the face with his bloodied hands and the cloth he had wrapped it in, and felt a smile spread over his face. Had his other children also been so tiny? It was almost unbelievable how small it was, how breakable it seemed. There was a lot of rosy skin, a flawless mouth and nose, ten incredibly minute, perfect fingers, long, dark lashes, and a wisp of almost black hair. The little bundle was breathing softly and mewling very quietly, but otherwise, it was completely calm.

"We have a daughter, light of my life," he whispered.

He scooted up to Neera and placed the wrapped baby in her waiting arms, a little reluctantly. The new mother smiled down on her daughter, radiant as the sun itself.

"Not to disturb your bliss, but I'd like to have a look..."

Khan stopped himself from letting out another snarl and looked over at the doctor, torn between his instinct and his mind.

"Come on, Khan," Bones urged. "You know I won't take her away from you."

"Doctor, I'm perfectly capable..."

"I know, I know, but I'm the chief medical officer on this ship. It's just a small check. I guess your children don't need vaccinations?"

Khan shook his head, but pried the baby from Neera's arms, who could obviously just keep herself from snarling, too.

McCoy was quick about the check, though, and Khan admired the gentle movements of the hands he knew could make a very painful grab if needed.

“She really does look very much like you with that hair and that mouth,” McCoy remarked in a much softer tone than Khan had ever heard him use.

“Or you,” Khan teased, and almost bit his lip to suppress his laughter when the doctor’s head snapped up, eyes wide with barely-hidden shock.

Khan grinned. “What?”

“Stop that nonsense,” McCoy ground out and threw the nurse a look, but she seemed busy fussing over the sheets and used towels.

“You have dark hair and full lips same as we do.”

“Khan, I swear to god...” the human mumbled, and Khan decided to take pity on him.

“Relax, Doctor. As far as we know, humans and Augments are not compatible when it comes to conceiving children. And if it were yours...”

“It can’t be, if there was even the slightest possibility, you’d turn my neck,” McCoy mumbled while he wrapped the baby girl in her blanket again.

“I’d still love her,” Khan mused.

McCoy gave the baby back to her father and frowned. “Why should you? Wouldn’t that be against your instinct as a pack leader or something, to raise the child of a...lesser mortal?”

Khan wrapped his strong arms around his new daughter protectively and smiled at the doctor. “It is. And still, I’d love her. Because she’s Neera’s as well as the father’s. Love is a matter of perspective, doctor.” Inevitably, Khan’s thoughts turned to Jim as he said that.

McCoy frowned some more, but obviously decided not to push the topic. Then he turned his attention to the new mother and examined her as well.

"You regenerative properties are remarkable. Do you feel tired? Nauseous?" McCoy asked.

"Not particularly, no. Water," she said, looking at her husband, "And grapes."

Khan handed the baby over, got up and brought her what she wanted from the replicator. When he came back, he caught McCoy smile at the child and at Neera like a proud uncle, or lover, or father.

"Do you have children, doctor?" asked the Augment and sat down next to his consort again.

McCoy looked up at Khan, scowling as the Augment had never seen him do before, which meant something.

"Joanna," was the quipped answer, and Khan knew better than to ask anything more. Even for an Augment, there were moments where to just shut up.

McCoy looked back at Khan's own daughter.

"Have a name yet?"

Neera looked at Khan and the couple smiled at each other. Khan took his wife's hand before he answered.

"Tara Malika Singh."

McCoy looked up to the other man. "I thought your women were called Kaur?"

Khan shrugged, although he was briefly impressed that the doctor remembered this detail at all. "It sounds far better. Plus, I rather like the more western tradition of taking on one surname for one family. And since we can choose either way, we thought we might end the religious streak to our last names and adopt one. We're not Sikh anyway, never have been, only it was...convenient and we chose to keep those names when we came to power."

McCoy hummed to himself, but didn't comment any further.

"Well, I'll leave you to it, then. I guess you'll have a few visitors."

Khan smiled. In the old days, this would have been a day for celebrations in the whole land, there would have been presents and games and in feasts in honour of the new princess. Khan looked over at his daughter. To him, she was a princess. A new hope.

  
In the next few hours, they had a few visitors indeed. The first ones were, of course, the other two Augments, Katie and Otto, who congratulated them heartily. A new Augment child, rare as they were, was always a cause for a celebration, though in these circumstances they were in, there were no means to have one. But Khan didn't mind, and merely enjoyed the company of his old friends and their praise.

"She's so beautiful," Katie, a tall, auburn-haired woman with big, round eyes and an always smiling mouth, cooed, and took the baby from Neera to cradle it in her arms.

She was one of the unfortunate ones to have lost their designated consort in the Eugenic Wars. She still wasn't over it, Khan could see, what with no time to grieve before she fell into cryo. She was the painful example to all Augments what could happen when their partner was gone for good. Khan felt a little nauseous every time he thought about the fact that, by hair’s breadth (or if Spock had been just a little more cold-hearted), Khan would have ended up like her, and worse. Katie and her husband had ruled over the northern part of the American continent, far away from the place they had been born in, but still in close contact with Neera and Khan. Katie would probably never have a child again, but luckily, her daughter and son had survived and were still in cryo, on this very ship. She must miss them terribly, Khan thought, but the proud woman also saw the necessity of waiting. This was another thing nobody seemed to have considered. Not all of the 78 cryotubes had contained 'original' Augments. There had never been so many to begin with. And it was also why Khan had fought so hard for his family; because he knew he would never have forgiven himself if, by his weakness or slacking, the children of his friends, his brothers and sisters, would have been killed. The youngest of them all, Katie's son Liwanu, was not yet fifteen. How could he not have killed for them?

"Like her parents," Otto commented, winking at Khan.

Otto and Noonien had been companions, friends as children, and for one single night, long, long ago, lovers. But that was long past, and they were as close as brothers now. Otto's mate, Susan, was still in cryo, too. Khan knew how lucky he was, having Neera by his side already. The man with Nordic features, dark, long, straight hair and Scottish DNA, had always been just as interested in old literature as Khan, and although his temper was both more churlish and yet less aggressive, the two men liked each other exceedingly. Khan used to tease Otto that he only ruled such a small part of former Europe while Khan had by far the biggest domain of all the Augments. Otto used to tease Khan for the fact that his hair curled when it got too long or wet. That was Otto, never vexed, always the joker, and one of the few Augments who loved expensive alcohol twice his age. His brothers and sisters had at some point decided that it was his Scottish heritage and that he couldn't help it. Khan thought that he should probably introduce him to Scotty. They would probably get along very well, Khan had thought so from the first moment he met Scotty on board the Vengeance, maybe even when he heard the first sentence from Scotty to himself over the communicator, asking him if he was barking mad, whoever he was. Otto did not have any children, and his tomboy girl of a redheaded mate and he had never married. They were not even romantically involved, sexually, yes, from time to time, but both of them, rather roguish, had never been the types of persons to marry and have children, instincts or no. They were the best of friends, troublemakers in their own right. Everyone of the Augments loved them.

"She'll be prettier than any girl you've ever seen, Otto," Khan purred with fatherly pride.

"That I bet."

"Want to hold her?" Neera asked in a relaxed tone.

Otto raised his hands in a refusing gesture. "Nah, I'm not good with children. She wouldn't like me. Don't want to make her scream."

"She doesn't, actually. She was born about four hours ago but she never really screamed or cried. She sleeps, mostly," Khan said, and smiled down at his child again. Always a miracle, no matter how often this would happen to him.

"You look positively radiant, mate," Otto remarked, this time without his usual teasing undertone. "I'm happy for you two."

"Thanks."

The doorbell signalled another visitor. Khan knew who it would probably be, and he gave Katie and Otto a look to let them know their time was up.

"Well, we shan't crowd the new mother too much, see you later," Otto said, Katie gave the baby back and they got up.

They opened the door, and Katie greeted the new arrival respectfully.

"Captain."

Otto echoed her greeting, and they left the room before Jim came in.

"Permission to see the latest and no doubt prettiest addition to the crew."

"Permission granted, captain, do come in," Khan smiled and made an inviting hand gesture while Neera giggled at Jim’s words.

Jim stepped closer to the bed and, after a moment's hesitation, sat down opposite Khan, next to Neera, to look at the baby. Neera even held Malika out to Jim, and Jim took her, a little surprised. Khan found that the captain looked utterly too young at that moment.

"She's beautiful, Neera. Probably got that from her mother's side," he added, and winked at Khan, who gave Jim a warm smile in return. Today, all his edges felt softened, and going by Jim's expression of wonderment, it showed on the Augment's face. Khan didn't care. For once, he didn't mind that everyone could see that he was utterly, perfectly happy.

Jim gave the baby back to her mother. Tara Malika had actually opened her eyes a little, which were a deep, shiny blue with one reddish brown pinprick in the right eye that filled Khan's heart with wild joy whenever he saw it. The same mark that both of her parents bore.

"I've got something for you, a rather small trinket but..." Jim fiddled with his left pocket, looking a little uncertain and flushed. When Khan continued to smile at him, albeit a little puzzled, Jim reached into the pocket decidedly and pulled out a leather band with three stones on it, all with a hole that made it possible to string them together. Khan moved to the middle of the bed so that they weren't so far apart, and reached for the little thing that Jim dropped into his hand.

"It's an old tradition in some coastal regions of Earth, something like a charm, I don't know if... It's meant to represent the family, tied together. Usually, they're adder stones, but..." Jim seemed to want to say more but he went silent.

Khan looked at the charm closer. Two of the stones were about as big as a walnut, perfectly smooth and rounded, the third was a little smaller. The holes were drilled through the middle and smoothed. One of the stones was black with curious blue specks, one was a golden yellow, speckled with orange and green, and the smallest one was almost white, with a flowery, light gold pattern. Khan recognized all the markings as fossils of corals. It looked absolutely gorgeous.

"I know, it's not..."

"It's beautiful, James. Thank you, really," Khan said, looking up at the man and smiling radiantly.

"It really is, Captain. It's perfect," Neera added as she took the trinket from Khan's slender hand.

"How did you come by this?" Khan asked. They were deep in space.

"Remember the starbase we docked at a month ago? There was a merchant who had all kinds of those things. I remembered that tradition and thought it would be a nice idea, even though it's not as...uh...extravagant as might be expected of a captain..."

"It is perfect, James. Really, it is. No extravagant present could be better than this." Khan leaned forward and offered Jim a slow kiss, but Jim pulled away, blushing, and looked at Neera, who only smiled at him.

"No need to be ashamed, Captain. It's the least we can give you for your present."

"I..."

"Don't answer, James. Maybe it's just a trinket, but I know the thought behind it, and it moves me. I thank you," Khan repeated. He was certain that James had remembered what Khan had said about the seashells that his late daughter had liked, and the fact that Khan had once told Jim that they had nothing they could call their own property in this century. He really was moved, a lot more than he was comfortable to say out loud, that Jim had made an effort to give them something meaningful, beautiful, and absolutely, undeniably their own. Khan knew of the tradition to collect adder stones and hang them in the house as charms. And he knew Jim had a good, gentle heart underneath all the brazen bravado. When he offered his lips again, just as Neera was holding the stones out to Tara, who looked at them in wonderment with her huge eyes, Jim didn't refuse.

 

 

A week later, Khan was back in Jim's bed, languidly exchanging kisses after they had made passionate, brutal love. Their arms were around each other, and their legs tangled.

"This still feels so weird," Jim whispered.

"What does, my love?" Khan purred contentedly.

"This. You. Me falling for you. I've never been with a man, not like I've been with you, not even close. And I've never had such feelings for anyone. Sorry, am I being too cheesy?"

Khan shook his head and kissed Jim once more. "No, James. ‘There is no place like a bed for confidential disclosures between friends. Man and wife, they say, there open the very bottom of their souls to each other; and some old couples often lie and chat over old times till nearly morning. Thus, then, in our hearts' honeymoon, lay I and he - a cosy, loving pair.'"

"What?"

"Melville, James. Really, you should brush up on classic literature."

"Some of us, mere humans like me, can't get hundreds of books into their head and quote like they swallowed a library."

"Ah, mere human, yes. I almost forgot." Khan nuzzled into Jim's neck and sucked new bruises into the soft skin, relishing the younger man's moans. "Curious that I, godlike creature, should fall for such a peasant," he teased.

"Oh shut your trap. Sometimes I really don't know what you want with me, though. You hated humans. Probably still do. Humans and all the world. And Starfleet. Why not me?" Jim asked, his voice sounding so small that it pulled at Khan's heart.

The Augment moved his head up so that he could look into Jim's eyes again. With one finger, he stroked the smooth cheek.

"'See how elastic our stiff prejudices grow when once love comes to bend them. I felt a melting in me. No more my splintered heart and maddened hand were turned against the wolfish world,'" Khan quoted quietly and also a little gleefully, brushing his lips against his lover's.

He heard Jim's heartbeat quicken and smiled.

"You're a romantic, Khan, who would have thought that?" Jim teased, but he still sounded moved.

"Fuck you, James," Khan said lovingly, and traced Jim’s jawline softly with his lips.

"You've just done that rather thoroughly, I'll pass."

Khan chuckled and settled himself on his back. Jim scooted closer to him, hugging him tightly.

"This is also weird because you're a married man. A father, no less, of a newborn. You have a family and everything. There's actually no place for me in your life and yet..."

"There is a place for you, James, for now. You sleep with me more often than my wife, and all participants are contend with that. And far more importantly,” Khan whispered and kissed Jim yet again, “you mean a lot to me. 'I promise nothing complete; because any human thing supposed to be complete, must for that very reason infallibly be faulty.' We are not meant to be a couple forever, James, something will separate us, someday. Not yet, though. For now, I am perfectly happy when I have you in my arms, and I surely won’t complain about your nakedness, either."

"Could you stop that...that...quoting thing? I feel like an uncultured swine," Jim grumbled, and Khan laughed.

"Fine, no more quotes for today. But I hope you know what I mean by it."

"Yeah, showing off your romantic and poetic side. Why must you always brag like a fucking peacock?"

"Because I _am_ the most intelligent, cunning thing originating from Earth, I'm smart, strong, beautiful, fast, I have superb leadership qualities..."

"Shut your fucking trap!"

"I also happen to fuck Starfleet's best racehorse at regular intervals, long and hard and glorious. There's nothing quite like it." Khan mouthed at Jim's collarbone, rubbing his body against the younger man, as he said this.

"Not fair," Jim moaned. Happily, Khan noticed that the golden-skinned body was shivering against his own, and that Jim was half-hard again.

Earlier, Khan had thoroughly dismantled Jim, this time by biting his shoulders and chest and neck with his sharp teeth while taking him. He had left a bunch of bite marks. They would not fester, since Augment saliva contained less bacteria than human saliva, but they were red and angry and crusted with blood and beautiful to look at. He'd repair them with the dermal regenerator after this night, after he had looked his fill.

"Khan," Jim moaned, wriggling closer. "Will you fuck yourself to completion between my thighs? It makes me feel _used_. It's heady. Please?"

Khan groaned with renewed lust. Sometimes, Jim really managed to surprise him, among other things, by how pornographic his brain could be. Khan wasn't mousy, and when Jim said such things, it aroused him, and he felt the strong urge to just take him like an animal, maul his body and tear at his beautiful pet until it was shredded to pieces. With one fluid movement, Khan was atop his lover's body.

"You won't come. I'll use you and you will stay where you are, you won't touch yourself, and you won't climax under any circumstances, you'll stay hard and wanton for the rest of the night. Got it?" Khan's voice was like molten stone. Jim keened and nodded.

"Yes, sir."

Khan felt his member twitch at the address. He quickly slathered his lover's thighs with lube and knelt over them while Jim pressed them tightly together, shoving between them, rutting into them, feeling his face warp into a snarl that showed off the gleaming fangs he had used on his pet earlier. The sensation was overwhelming if unusual. He didn't have to hold back for fear of tearing something, hurting his lover, no, not this time. With a wild cry, almost a snarl, Khan came after only a few minutes, pulsing and spreading his seed all over Jim's lap. The young man moaned wantonly, and Khan saw that his neglected erection twitched wantonly against Jim’s stomach. Khan decided to raise the stakes and lowered his body on Jim's to rub against the leaking cock.

"Fuck, Khan! You said I wasn't allowed to..."

"You're not."

"But...I can't..."

"You can. You will. Or I'll punish you. If I were in a merciful mood, maybe I could choke you until you pass out, to ease your anguish," Khan scoffed.

"I...I'd almost wish you would...ah, Khan, please! Stop or I'll...god, have mercy!"

The Augment chuckled darkly. "I can indeed be a most merciful god, James. Oh yes, I am your god. I know they all say that I’m not good for you, but I know I am. My blood boils in your heart. All I want is that you worship me. Do you, my lovely pet?"

"Yes! I do! Oh Khan, please let me come! Please! I beg you!" The young man writhed under his powerful lover, looking glorious.

"No. Why should I let you?"

Jim whimpered, and Khan settled his body in top of the young man, unmoving, daring him to move his hips himself.

"Why, James? Give me one reason."

"I love you."

Even though Khan had heard this many times from Jim's lips now, his world came to a screeching halt quite often when Jim said that, and now was no exception. Little bugger knew exactly which button to press.

"Oh you manipulative little whore! Come, then, but say it again. Again!" Khan snarled, his eyes manic and wide open, his teeth clenched. He pressed his heavy body into Jim's to provide a counterweight, and without hesitation, Jim gripped Khan's hips to rut against him while he kept chanting the three little words that made both of them dizzy, over and over again.

“I love you! I love you! Oh god, Khan, I love you so much!”

“And I you, James, I love you. Come, my beautiful man, come for me.”

Enraptured, Khan watched his James as he fell apart.

Afterwards, when Jim had stopped shuddering, they lay together in companionable silence again, caressing each other's faces and bodies with light touches. Khan thought about how he rarely did that with Neera. She was occupied with a baby now, and didn't have much time for her husband. James only had him. There was nobody to take away his interest. On this ship, and probably everywhere else, Khan was unrivalled when it came to Jim's affection. It was a nice feeling, although not completely fair, he knew. The day he'd leave Jim, and that day would come very soon, it would be hard for both of them, no question, but probably harder on his James.

Khan looked at his lover. Jim had fallen asleep and was clutching Khan in a tight embrace. It made Khan's heart ache. He tried to get away, from the sweat and sticky fluids, but to no avail. He hesitated for a second, but then settled back into the bed and put an arm around Jim's shoulder.

"'And though I tried to move his arm— unlock his bridegroom clasp—yet, sleeping as he was, he still hugged me tightly, as though naught but death should part us twain.' Oh Jim," Khan said quietly, kissing the man's forehead softly, "if only I could keep you. I'll lose you so soon, much too soon, my love. What do you want with a damaged soul such as mine? How can you make such a dangerous creature your only god? You are too good, James, too good to end up with me, like me. We're two sides of the same coin, only I am the dark underside and you are shining gold. I can see the darkness in you, your temper, your pain...oh, give not thyself up, then, to fire, lest it invert thee, deaden thee, as for the time it did me. My woe has turned me mad, James, how can you love me? I see in me outrageous strength, with an inscrutable malice sinewing it. That inscrutable thing is chiefly what I hate. I am fine now, but for how long? I cannot change...my wrath will always be in me. I'll kill again, James, I know it. Nothing has changed. Nothing will. ‘What is it, what nameless, inscrutable, unearthly thing is it; what cozening, hidden lord and master, and cruel, remorseless emperor commands me; that against all natural loving and longings, I so keep pushing, and crowding, and jamming myself on all the time; recklessly making me ready to do what in my own proper, natural heart, I durst not so much as dare? I am a tattered creature. Not unkind. And yet violent enough that I'd kill each and every one of the people you hold most dear if it brought me any advantage. I wonder, could I still kill you? What would I feel, when I'd see your lifeless, bloodless face in my hands? What would I feel, when the neck I kissed many a night would snap under the fingers I caressed you with? Listen to me, how can you love a creature, a thing, such as myself, that thinks these horrible thoughts? ‘God help thee, old man, thy thoughts have created a creature in thee.' James, that creature will destroy you. Why can't you see that? Why can't you see that I'm not good for you and they are all right about me? I'm death. I'm the devil. I cannot kill that part of me, and it will not die even now when my heart is full of love. ‘And doesn't the devil live forever; who ever heard that the devil was dead? Did you ever see any person wearing mourning for the devil?’ So why do you mourn me, why do you pity me? Pity me, my love, for I really deserve none. None at all."

 

 

 

If you are interested in the charm, stones like that exist, here are some example pictures, something along those lines:

<https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/44/67/37/4467371955fa3b1f09f43ddf05bf0fcd.jpg>

<https://cdn-img-1.wanelo.com/p/95f/38f/832/fa45c8f89d870a8e5f00f4e/x354-q80.jpg>

<http://scontent.cdninstagram.com/t51.2885-15/s480x480/e35/13534484_249139122134572_846037084_n.jpg?ig_cache_key=MTI4MTI5NTI1NDUzNTkzMDczMg%3D%3D.2>

<https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/71/1e/26/711e263ce921dc832aa337420dd644ce.jpg>

<https://img1.etsystatic.com/107/0/6343419/il_570xN.882928813_kcq5.jpg>

 


	16. Later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Khan's life on board the Enterprise goes on, but when wishes come true, it doesn't always make you happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is basically preparation for the next chapter, the calm before the last storm.

Even though Khan was often in a dark mood, there was one thing that could always heighten his spirits: his little Malika. The child grew every day, and a little faster than a human child. Khan still went to work, he now often accompanied crewmembers on away missions on foreign, new planets, where his skills often proved to be invaluable. More Augments were awakened and adapted well. But even though working and putting his brain to good use, in the development of the warp-system, the energy household of the ship, transporter technology and even medical science, and seeing all his old brothers and sisters again was a wonderful feeling after so much pain, the primary thing Khan always looked forward to in the next few months was always his daughter's greeting when he came "home" from work.

When she was younger, she would smile at him and let out a screech of joy, then, later, she'd crawl towards him as soon as he entered the room. Time flew by as Khan watched his offspring grow, and even though he had seen it before, three times, it could still melt his heart. Malika loved to ride on his shoulders or be carried by him in any which way. His other children had seldom gotten the opportunity to do so, but now that he was no head of state, he took to carrying her with him all the time in the evenings, to give Neera a break and time to herself. The first time Khan turned up with the baby in his arms for supper, everyone grinned at him (except for the Vulcan). They joked about how this was really not something they had ever pictured - mighty Khan with a baby, moreover one that adored him and smiled at him, grabbed at his face and pulled at his increasingly long hair. He often noticed baffled looks when his face must have lit up with a radiant smile towards his daughter. He let them be.

Nyota was enchanted by her new friend’s child, and she often took Malika on her lap while Khan and Neera ate. The young woman not only loved to play with the little girl, Khan also had the distinct feeling that she was mocking her mate lovingly with the image of herself with a baby. And even Spock sometimes couldn't help but crack a little smile when Malika sat on Nyota's knees and gazed at him with a look of wonderment. Once, Malika even managed to climb onto Spock’s lap and reach for his ears before anyone could stop her, but she didn’t pull them (much to Khan’s disappointment) but only touched the pointy bit as carefully as you would a newborn puppy, and then squealed in delight, which made everyone around the dinner table laugh, except the Vulcan, who tried very hard not to smile. Khan knew that the little one had a sort of magic about her, something radiant and warm that was missing on this ship otherwise. He knew where Malika had gotten that from; her smile was the same as Neera's, fit to bring down anyone.

Barely seven months after her birth, Malika could walk. When she turned one, she would try to run after Khan wherever he went. By then, all of the Augments were revived and the issue of what would become of them became pressing.

Another pressing thing was Khan’s affair with the captain. At the beginning, only the people close to Jim had known, but since Khan had been brought to Med Bay that day his implant malfunctioned, looking the way he had, rumours had spread among the rest of the crew. Many at least suspected by now that Khan’s visits to the captain were of an indecent nature. Khan was only glad that nobody (except, probably, for Bones) really knew how much the two men went beyond the scope of ‘indecent’ every time, and that Jim’s reputation had - curiously - not suffered at all.

Khan had done things with his lover that he hadn’t ever done with Neera, things he had never thought Jim would allow. But Jim was gold, and filthy-minded, and after a somewhat difficult start he was perfectly content to play along with whatever game Khan chose. And Jim was not only a willing, breathless player, but also a talented one, and fearless, too. Both men had taken quite a few whippings from each other’s hands, had been choked by the other, had writhed with pain and unrequited lust. One night, Jim had actually made his lover come so often that Khan had passed out from the overexertion, just as, another night, Khan had taken Jim for hours on end and milked him without actually letting him come so that Jim had been a quivering mess in the early hours of the morning.

Khan loved all of it, and he knew Jim loved it just as much. In those hours with Jim, Khan felt truly free. No masks, no pretences, just raw feeling, lust, and violence and love. And if he was honest with himself, Khan knew that he didn’t care who knew about them as long as Jim wasn’t questioned by his crew. The only thing he noticed was that he grew more and more attached to James. One year was, after all, a long time to get to know each other better. And Khan knew Jim inside out now.

 

 

One morning, Kirk came to Khan with news, and they went to the conference room, where they met Spock and Neera, their respective seconds in command.

Kirk started without further preamble.

"Starfleet has finally agreed that your crew is free to go wherever they please. Should they want to join Starfleet, they'd be welcome to join the Academy. As for you, though, Khan..."

The Augment took a deep breath.

"...you're still on probation. The council has taken your history into account, but they say since you did kill innocent people for revenge, they still have reason to think you're too violent to go free and unmonitored. I've handed in a report consisting of those of several members of my crew that proves you adapt very well and rarely ever display a violent temper. Still, they think you should be monitored for longer. I'm sorry, but we can't let you go. Your probation on board the Enterprise will continue. They advise you to make yourself useful and show that you can be good."

"How long?" Khan ground out. A tiger in a cage, was that what he was to be? Useful, was he?

"It doesn't say. Until further notice."

"Do they know the implants are out?"

Kirk shifted. "No. It would have been...too much to reveal. I hope you'll forgive me for not mentioning one of them malfunctioning. I thought it would be better to let the topic rest and not say anything at all about it. No need to make them check and improve."

"Me, forgive you, Captain," Khan huffed. "I haven't heard Mr Spock about that, yet? I thought that giving false reports to Command was one of the greatest sins?" The Augment turned to the Vulcan, who sat up straighter.

"The captain has ignored my arguments for the truth. In view of your largely flawless behaviour on board this ship in the last one and a half years and the invaluable skills you provide to the cause I came to the conclusion that it would indeed have more disadvantages to expose you, Commander."

"And largely, it would be a matter of personal satisfaction for you to see me in pain and distress with new implants, which is, of course, below you, am I right, Commander?" Khan purred, and smirked.

"Not improbable," Spock nodded coldly.

The relationship between the two was, even after all this time, rather frosty, but nobody, not even the two men themselves, seemed to mind. Neither half-human seemed interested in settling their differences. They harboured them lovingly.

"The main achievement, I think, is that your people are free. That is what you wanted from the beginning, right?" Kirk cut in.

Khan nodded. "That is what is most important to me at the moment." Even though Khan would be sorry to see them go, it was a huge weight off his shoulders. As Starfleet provided challenges and opportunity to use their brains, many would join the Academy. They had already spoken to him about it.

In the last year, Khan had become something of the leader of the Augments on board, even though it was inofficial. The king of kings. Khan silently revelled in that title. He HAD been the one with the largest territory, the strongest, probably one of the most aggressive. That was chiefly what was so irksome for him; when it came to Augments, many expected violent terrorists. True, they had all been made more or less aggressive, mainly the men, but Khan hated when the rest of his family was judged for the view they had of HIM. Nevertheless, since Khan had been awake much longer than they had, he was now their leader, at least until they left. He wouldn't be responsible for them anymore, a thought that made him both happy and melancholic. Finally, a life of his own. Or as good as.

Kirk nodded.

"Fine. I also wanted to talk about our next few steps. We dock at a Starbase in a week. Our next mission is on the edge of the Neutral Zone. I would suggest that your crew leaves the Enterprise there, together with some of our own, to keep the risk minimal. It is possible that the mission will be a little more...dangerous. We fly with a minimal crew. That means parting with your people for at least a few months. And I'd suggest that Neera and Malika join them. I know how hard it is for your two to be away from your respective mate but it's for Neera's and the child's safety. I can't make you, though. I'm just saying. It's dangerous. And if you want to hear my opinion, which I know you don't, I'd say a few months of knowing her and your child far away but safe is better than having to worry about her as you head into danger with us."

"So I am to be the one waiting and worrying in safety while my consort may die out there," Neera said with a voice of steel.

"You are a mother, Mrs Singh, as well as a consort. In most sentient life forms, mother instinct outweighs most others. Is it not better to see your child safe than go into danger with your husband, and take your child with you?" Spock said, before Kirk or Khan could soothe Neera's indignation.

Khan glanced at the Vulcan and could detect no falseness in his demeanour. No matter how much Spock disliked Khan, he had never shown anything but politeness towards Neera, and Vulcan-levelled adoration for Malika. And now he seemed actually concerned for their safety. Khan had spent years without Neera. He knew he'd be able to bear it, and she was strong, too, and had the child to take care of.

Neera looked at Khan. After a moment, he nodded with conviction.

"I think you should go. The rest of the pack will take care of you, you'll be safe, both of you, and that is all that counts for me. The safety of my crew and my family. By the way, captain, my people and I already agreed that, should the pardon from your High Council come in time, as well as your permission, of course, that most of my family would leave the ship at the starbase anyway, for good. Many have said their goodbye’s already. As much as they have learned, about the new universe, many have found potential new home-planets. Many also want to return to Earth."

Jim looked at him, obviously not certain if he should be happy about the news or pity Khan. “Are you serious? After all you’ve gone through...they’re all leaving, just like that?”

“No need to get worked up for my sake, Captain. I always knew this would happen. I fought for them to be safe, and I guess now they will be. They don’t have to stay with me for the rest of their existence, we were not made to live so closely together. Some of them would like to join Starfleet, one or two have requested permission to remain on board. Commander Spock as the responsible officer in this matter will certainly have a word with you about that. I am sorry to see them go, but as you yourself have assured me once, these days there are means to stay in touch. If you give your permission, my crew will leave the Enterprise for good and start their new lives somewhere else. They are no longer your responsibility, or mine.”

Jim continued to stare, and then nodded slowly. “We’ll look into that together. We’ll pick up anyone who wants to come with us on our way back from our next mission as they wish. But for the duration of that mission, everyone who is not sorely needed should leave. As for the next mission, we will need your skills again...”

While the captain explained about what was waiting for them next, Neera grabbed Khan’s hand under the conference table. Khan knew what she felt; she was anxious to be separated from him again, and knowing he’d go into danger did not make it better. Khan knew he had no choice. He was more than thankful and relieved to hear that his people were finally free, but he himself was not, and thus, neither was Neera, not really. One part of him whispered that being sentenced to stay with James was not the worst punishment he had ever had. But on the other hand, if any instinct in Khan always got the upper hand, it was the one that would always fight for his own freedom and that of his family.


	17. Deceptive Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well this did not go as expected...

At the starbase, Khan said goodbye to his family and friends. He had not actually expected it to be so hard after all, but it did feel almost as bad as if he had to leave them behind again in Markus’ lab. But no, he reminded himself, he was really witnessing them taking flight, leaving into freedom. Still, they had never been so far apart, all the men and women he had grown up with, who had shared his childhood, who had shared a planet with him, were now leaving to find happiness and adventure somewhere else in this vast new universe. Really, he should congratulate them, and he did, but nonetheless, when the time came to say goodbye to Neera and his little Malika at last, he felt distinctly like a prisoner, the only one who was not allowed to leave, this time round the one who was left behind, the only one whose life was still not going to be his own. As he kissed Malika’s soft, black hair and Neera’s rosy lips, Khan held back his tears. After what could easily be a suicide mission, he’d see them again, he thought, and yet, he felt uneasy when the airlock closed behind his family.

Since the station was close to a planet similar to Earth, Khan had pushed his crew and wife to go there instead of staying in space, even if they had plans to travel further. Malika had never seen the sun, and the rest of the Augments hadn't seen it for centuries. They all needed what Starfleet liked to call "shore leave". Khan himself ached to feel the warmth of the sun again and see its light, but he had to be patient. All would be well. If he survived this mission.

 

He had seen the plan and spoken to the other officers about it. It was risky. The planet they were to visit was right on the edge of the Neutral zone, and beyond it was Klingon territory, with Romulan territory not far off. Relations were strained. Their being there could be viewed by both suspicious species as an effort to make an outpost there or mine possible resources. Or if either of the Empires' scouts had a bad day, they could start a war just as well.

Khan had been working on a cloaking technique similar to those of Romulans or Klingons, with good results in a smaller scale, but had failed to expand it to a whole ship or even a shuttle until now due to the high energy demand. It was one of the only things he had not been able to complete before it would have been needed for a mission. But there was no helping it. He simply had no idea how to power such technology without leaving everyone on board in the dark, freezing and without oxygen. Moreover, to minimize the power demand, he would have to change the hull makeup of the whole damn ship. So they had to go in full sight. Luckily, anyone who could be spared had left the ship, so casualties would be small in case something happened. Khan had even helped reduce the crew, as he had reconstructed parts of the Vengeance technology for minimal crew requirement. Enabling the Enterprise to be flown by only one would have been impossible without tearing her apart, but now, the ship needed a dozen crewmen less, which was something.

Khan had also worked on superior transporter technology, but when they arrived at the planet, they found that they could not beam anyone down, since the surface was not made of rock but some kind of magnetic metal that made a safe arrival impossible. There was a cave system that had not been explored ever before, but the only accessible entrances were all on ledges above cliffs that were too small for a shuttle to land on, and the magnetic surface might even let the engines fail. The surface at the sides was too brittle to climb up and down. When Khan looked at a computer graphic of the little part of land in a gigantic, sickly green and teal ocean, he thought it looked rather like a sponge or a massive metal coral with footpaths all around, washed out by the sea, but without holes on the upper surface. It was rather perfect.

They decided to keep the first away team as small as possible. The sensors had picked up on sea creatures, the biggest resembling what on Earth would have been Liopleurodon, millions of years ago. They had the teeth, too, but with 20 metres were twice to four times the size, probably due to the enormous habitat. There were no land animals to speak of, but plants that seemed to be just as magnetic as the soil they were standing in. McCoy, being an exobiologist, was to accompany Khan and Spock. They would take a shuttle to come close to the surface and parachute to the ledge around the caves, where the shuttle would also pick them up by rope. When Khan offered this approach, Spock scoffed at the idea as it seemed "backward", but failed to come up with a more scientific option, so they decided on parachutes and ropes. Sulu would fly the shuttle, everyone else would stay on board. Minimum casualties. When the preparations were done, Spock, Sulu,  McCoy and Khan went to the Shuttle Bay. Khan tried to concentrate but kept touching his burning lips, where Jim had secretly kissed him goodbye not ten minutes ago after their final meeting. Jim had done this prior to many away missions now. Today, Khan had wanted to linger, but knew he had to go. Jim’s “be careful, or I’ll teach you tonight” still rung in his ears.

"Remind me. Why can't we take a rope downwards too?" McCoy asked Khan when they put on their gear in the shuttle.

"You'd gain too much momentum and smash your skull on the wall," the Augment said, probably a little too cheerfully. But he couldn't help it, it had been too long since he had had his feet on solid ground, real oxygen in his lungs (which the plants thankfully produced, even a little purer than Earth's plants, but still breathable) and a sun overhead (it produced a rather sepia-tinged tone, but Khan wasn't picky). "Parachutes are easier to steer downwards. When the shuttle picks us up with the ropes we only need to hold on for a minute until we're on the upper surface, and then we can be pulled up after you've had a look at the plants. Minimum risk, doctor," he added gaily.

"Gee, thanks. You're really in a great mood today. Stop being so excited, it worries me."

Khan laughed and checked his and McCoy's gear one last time. Spock gave him a look that told the Augment to keep his hands off him.

"Ready?" the Vulcan asked.

McCoy nodded and Kirk gave the signal for the countdown to start. They'd stay wired the entire time, if so possible.

"Now then," Khan said, and grabbed the bar above the escape hatch, "here goes for a cool, collected dive at death and destruction, and the devil fetch the hindmost!"

“Shut your mouth!” McCoy shouted, and Khan laughed heartily.

The hatch opened, and the three men fell deep, deep. Khan's concentration was focussed on the safe landing. At the planned height, he opened his chute, and the two officers left and right did the same, trying not to interfere with each other.

For a moment, Khan could not help but simply enjoy the flight, the gliding with the upwind above the alien sea. But he had to focus, or he'd crash into the rocks. The manoeuvre was dangerous enough. Every movement had to be perfect. He caught himself hoping that the two less perfect officers would make it.

When they approached the ledge, McCoy was the first to land and close his chute, holding onto the formation. Khan was next. The upwinds were tricky here, but he managed. Spock was almost safely on the ledge, his chute closing already, when a gust of wind suddenly pulled him back.

"Spock! No!" McCoy cried out, but the Vulcan was already falling like a stone, the fall too deep to be safe, too shallow to use the parachute again. Khan saw the shocked expression on the Vulcan's face vanish into the deep, his body wrapped in the silk of the cute, arms knotted into the rest of the cable. The Augment knew, the gear was heavy, the knots too snagged to free himself fast enough. Spock would drown, probability 96%.

Then Khan heard Jim's shout of despair over the intercom and acted without thinking.

He opened his gear and let the heavy bundle fall, took a step for run-up, and jumped.

The wind whistled in his ears as he fell and he steeled his body for the impact. It smarted, and he didn't want to imagine what it had been like for Spock, who had landed on his back a few seconds before. Like a fish, Khan dove into the water. He opened his eyes and looked around. Thankfully, the water was relatively clear. Beneath him, there was only blackness, and a sudden jolt of primal fear went through him. Against the monstrous creatures in this ocean, his strength was no match.

But he could see Spock not far off, and pulled himself together. The Vulcan was sinking, but not as fast as Khan had feared. With strong, efficient movements, Khan pulled through the water and was with Spock in a second.

The Vulcan looked at him, a little dazed, then frightened, as Khan pulled a knife from his boot, but the Augment didn't pay him any heed and began to cut through the straps while trying to keep both of them from sinking too far. The light above them became ever more sparse, and was almost gone when Khan managed to pull the straps from Spock's shoulders and leave the chute to sink while he tried to mobilize all his remaining strength to pull them up through the water. The Vulcan had lost consciousness due to lack of oxygen.

'Don't be dead,' Khan thought. 'Jim won't ever be the same if you die. He'll never forgive me.'

Khan felt his lungs strain to breathe, his brain beginning to black out. No. He could do this. He was better! The Vulcan weighed him down, and he briefly thought about leaving him to save his own hide. But no. Jim’s scream was still echoing in his ear. He had to save Spock, had to!

The light came closer, slowly, too slow, and Khan began to feel nauseous and desperate. No, he couldn’t give up! He had been drowned so often, damn it, he could do more than this!

Finally, finally, his head breached the surface of the sea, and he drew in deep lungfuls of air. When his heart rate had calmed down a bit after a few seconds, he looked at Spock and swore. Would he have to reanimate him? Probably.

He couldn’t do this here. Land. Land! There!

Khan turned and pulled Spock with him. Thankfully, they hadn’t drifted too far away from the formation. Shortly before Khan reached the shore, Spock started coughing desperately.

“Breathe! For Kali’s sake, breathe!”

Spock shook his head, still coughing and retching, clinging to Khan, obviously trying to help them keep afloat, but too exhausted to be of much use.

“You will breathe, you pointy-eared know-it-all! Do it for Jim, damnit! Breathe, concentrate!” Khan hissed, grabbing the rocky formation and heaving Spock upwards with his last bit of strength.

“Spock! Khan!” It was McCoy, shouting from overhead.

“Here!” Khan tried to shout back, but it was more of a wheeze. His strength was drained for the moment. He’d pull himself up in a minute.

Spock was lying on his side, his head inches from Khan’s arms that held onto the ledge.

“Thank you,” the Vulcan croaked and coughed once more.

“Don’t think anything by it. I couldn’t help it,” Khan tried to grumble, but it sounded only tired.

The Vulcan lifted his head a little and looked at him, astonished.

“What do you mean?”

“I told you. The first day I was on board. It takes a lot to fight my instincts. And Jim...you must have heard him. I knew he’d go mad if you died. You mean a lot to him, he loves you. So I let my instinct take over. I didn’t even really think. I just acted. Protecting is my instinct. So I protected you, whether I really wanted to or not. The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, whereon my soul is grooved to run.”

“Melville. You quoted this the first day in Med Bay.”

“Yes.” Khan let a small smile light up his face. “Jim wouldn’t have known that...”

A sudden impact shook his body and he got thrown into the air before landing in the water again, somewhat dazed. A gigantic beast with green skin and teeth as long as Khan’s torso had rammed him from beneath and now turned its huge body lazily, jaws opening and snapping shut around Khan’s arm. He felt a tearing, then an unbearable pain, and the waves closed over him.

 

“Bones? Spock? Khan! What happened! Bones!” Jim shouted.

“I lost Khan’s signal, Captain!” Uhura said. She was pushing buttons, frantic.

“Spock! Khan!”

“Jim! Khan got...he was pulled underwater by that _thing_!” Bones shouted.

“Chekov, do you have him?”

“No, Kjeptin...there...there is no bio-signal. Only McCoy and Spock.” The young Russian leaned back, shocked.

The Bridge fell silent.

“Captain, Khan improved the sensors, maybe we can locate...him somehow...just scan the place he was in last,” Uhura said in a shaky voice.

“Chekov, hit it.”

Chekov’s fingers flew over the controls. He switched on the new sensor and entered Khan’s last coordinates to scan the area intensively.

‘Don’t be dead, Khan, please, don’t be dead,’ Jim prayed, almost biting his knuckles while trying to remain professional.

“Bones, Spock, can you see anything?” he asked. He noticed that his voice was shaking.

“No, Captain, the beast is gone, it seems. But no sign of Khan. It caught his arm and pulled him under.” Even Spock couldn’t keep his voice calm. It had been too sudden, too brutal, and his mind couldn’t yet grasp that Khan had to be...

McCoy had managed to climb down from the ledges above. He and Spock were staring out to the spot where Khan had vanished. The doctor had never thought his heart would be so heavy for the Augment. Both men waited for the report of the scanners.

“I...there is something, Kjeptin. But it is too small...”

“What?” Jim turned to the Russian. “What is it? Can you...somehow show it?”

“Yes, Kjeptin, but...”

“On screen, Chekov!”

The young officer swallowed hard and pressed a single button.

Uhura gasped and whimpered as if somebody had kicked her belly. Jim didn’t feel better. In fact, he felt sick, and from the faces and gasps around him, he knew his crew didn’t feel any different.

The screen showed the outlines of a few small fishlike creatures, a dark blotch, possibly something big, very deep, and a human arm, severed above the elbow. Even though the shape was not very detailed, Jim would know those long fingers anywhere. And whose else should it be anyway?

Everyone on the bridge was dead-silent.

“What is it?” Bones asked over the intercom. “Damn it, Jim!”

“A hand. I mean, an arm. It’s Khan’s arm.” Jim felt numb. Heavily, he sat on the captain’s chair.

“Khan is dead?” Bones asked in a hoarse whisper. Of course, he had known that already, even before Khan had been pulled under. He couldn’t be alive. Augment or not, there was no enhancement that could help against such a predator.

Uhura sobbed quietly behind Jim. He wanted to get up, console her. But he couldn’t move. He couldn’t say anything. His head was empty, and yet, inside, he was screaming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *hands out shock blankets* I'm so sorry.   
> Epilogue coming up in a bit.


	18. Epilogue

They had gotten the rest of their away team back on board. Jim had gone to his quarters, filed his reports, entered the stardate of Khan’s death, sent a message to the starbase to inform Neera.

A week had passed.

Jim felt horrible. Heartbroken. The only thing he could think about was Khan. Every night in his bed, he felt colder than he had ever been. He missed Khan, his banter with Spock, whom he had never liked and had still died to save, the way his face turned from cool and composed to absolutely radiant and almost boyish when he looked at his daughter, who would now grow up without knowing what a great man her father had been. The way he could give Jim warmth with one single touch, the warmth he so desperately craved.

Late one night, before he fell asleep, his communicator beeped. A signal from outside, text only. Jim got up to read it. It was from Katie, one of Khan’s crew. It informed him that Neera had left the starbase with Malika. She hadn’t said where she was going, she hadn’t even said goodbye, she had just been gone one morning. Katie wrote that Neera had left two messages, one for the Augments and one for Kirk himself. Katie had quoted the note beneath her own message.

“Consider the subtleness of the sea; how its most dreaded creatures glide under water, unapparent for the most part, and treacherously hidden beneath the loveliest tints of azure. Ndiyakuthanda.”

What? Subtleness of the sea? Was Neera reminding him of how horrible a death Khan’s had been? Treacherously hidden beneath the loveliest tints of azure. Indeed. Pained, Jim sighed. Khan’s eyes had been azure when it was dark around them. And that mix of letters, what was that supposed to mean?

“Computer, information to the last word. Is it a kind of code?”

The computer bleeped. “Negative.”

“What is it, then?”

“Ndiyakuthanda. Xhosa sentence. Translation: ‘I love you’, or, ‘I like you’.”

Jim’s heart almost stopped. He stared at the sentence. The computer voice had done a bad job of getting the word across with the same warmth, but Jim did notice that he had heard it before.

“Son of a bitch,” he gasped. This could only have been Khan. They had been alone, in bed, at night, and Jim was certain that Neera had no reason at all to write him a message like that. And the thing about dreaded creatures hiding under azure waters, unspotted by most? Fuck, that was _all_ Khan, that was basically a fucking _description_ of him. He let the computer research the quote. Moby Dick, Melville. Of course. Apart from Frankenstein, Dracula, Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, The Jungle Book and other works of classic literature, Khan had always been quoting the goddamn book. And had annoyed Jim with it. Endlessly. Constantly. Now it made him dizzy with happiness.

“I’ll be goddamned. The bastard is alive! How...Khan!”

Jim felt his eyes sting with tears. His heart couldn’t grasp it, it was too much. And yet, he knew it was true, he felt it, he didn't doubt it for one second, and relief washed over him. Khan was alive! How the _fuck_ had he done it? But one thing was certain, even for Jim in his deliriously blissful state: Khan was gone because he wanted to, and he didn’t want anyone but Jim to know.

“God, Khan, you goddamn... Wherever you are, you asshole, I fucking love you. Just lie low and don’t make me come get you. Just...come get me some time, will you?” he whispered, and looked out of the window. Somewhere out there, Khan was alive. And it was balm to Jim’s troubled soul.

 

 

 

Khan strolled through the light forest, patting the three hyena-like creatures walking with him, and playing with the string of leather that held four stones, letting them click together, while he let his gaze wander over the hill that was visible behind the forest’s lush, red leaves. The white temple visible there was now home to his small family.

The planet had been easy to find in the Enterprise’s files after Jim had told the Augment about their adventure here. Nibiru was perfect for what he needed at the moment, as were its inhabitants. They were obviously people who were easily influenced, and very religious. Starfleet would have found it a crime to disrupt their life. But Khan wasn’t Starfleet.

Emerging from the wood, he walked along the main road, his long, saffron yellow robe swishing behind him. All the strangely white creatures with the black eyes threw themselves at his feet as soon as he came close, and he nodded benevolently as he passed with his pets that the indigenous had given their new god as offerings, three of many.

Back in the temple, he sat down on his throne, still playing with the stones. He looked down on them. One black with blue corals, one like the sun, one white and flowery, and one a shining, passionate, angry, bloody red. It was concave and fit perfectly to the black and blue stone. Khan had found it on the shores of Nibiru, and just as the other three stones must have reminded the captain of Khan and his family, the red stone reminded Khan of his James.

Khan was still sorry that he had had to leave Jim behind and let him grieve in vain, at least until he’d read the message. There had never been a question about whether Khan would tell Jim or not. Not telling Jim was not an option. Jim would keep his secret, he was sure of it, and he just couldn’t bear the thought that Jim believed him dead. Khan was also sorry that it had to end that way, so abruptly. But it had been the best chance, and he had felt compelled to take it. There had been no time to ponder if this was the best course of action once he had been in the water.

And he also hoped that Jim understood that Khan had had no choice but to do this. He was still a tiger, and Starfleet had wanted to keep him as a pet. He couldn’t have stayed as a prisoner. It was best if Starfleet thought he was dead and had died a hero for saving Spock’s life. They wouldn’t look for him now. His file was closed and he could have peace. He wouldn’t stay here forever, he’d eventually go back to the more civilised part of the universe. But it was nice to live something of his old life again, worshipped as a god, caring for people who needed his guidance. Khan smiled. No, he wouldn’t ever really change. There were things that were too much part of him to cast aside.

Some time, in a few years, maybe a decade, he’d use the small beaming device he had invented when he was busy improving the transporter of the Enterprise, and beam Neera, Malika and himself back to some planet with a little more civilisation. The tiny cloaking device he had also smuggled away would help him go undetected wherever he went. He’d visit James with its help, and soon. He missed the man terribly, more than he had ever anticipated. Every time he thought of the blond, cheeky captain, his heart ached. He knew that Neera felt the same about Doctor McCoy.

There had been so many more evenings, days, nights together that should have happened before he had to say goodbye to his new love, so many more stories to tell, so many more kisses to share, so many more bonds to knit, but the opportunity had been too good, and Khan also wasn’t sure if he could really have left Jim if he had planned ahead even just a little more.

Fingering the red stone on the leather band, Khan remembered the moment when everything had had to go very quickly.

The monster had pulled him under by his arm, and had bitten it off. Luckily, Khan could still reach the mini transport beaming device he had hidden inside his uniform just in case, and activated it. The small gadget had beamed him back aboard the Enterprise, where he had cloaked himself and stayed hidden to let his body repair the worst damage. Growing a whole arm back had been the most disgusting and exhausting thing he had ever done, but sure enough, a few months later, on Nibiru, the process had been completed. Meanwhile, only a few days after the whole incident, he had collected Neera and their daughter in the middle of the night from the starbase and had left Jim and Katie a message. Khan had explained vaguely that he was alright and would seek contact, and also what Katie was to say to everyone else. Then he had told her what to write to James, and vanished to Nibiru, where he grew back the rest of his arm and also became god of the aboriginal tribe.

It had probably been three years ago now, Khan wasn’t sure, as the sun never sank here and he had no means to measure the time going by except his regeneration and later his daughter’s growth.

The people here worshipped Khan and his wife, but the couple knew that Malika was their favourite. She received more presents than Khan himself, and that was fine with him. His daughter deserved this rank as a princess. Malika was the darling of the whole tribe, not only as their god’s daughter but also because she was sweet and intelligent, and a fearless thing. She had learned the local language even faster than her parents, and was now running wild most of the time among the indigenous. She had a sense for justice and was not afraid to voice her opinion on any matter. ‘Though she be but little, she is fierce,’ Khan thought, and chuckled as he often did when he thought about his little girl. He’d have to introduce her to more literature as soon as he could. Then her fearless mouth would have new fuel and she would annoy people with her quotes just as much as her father had annoyed James. Khan smiled when he thought about what James, Bones and the others would say if they could see Malika now.

 

Maybe, Khan thought, it was time for some adventure off the planet. Maybe he should go find out where the Enterprise was at the moment? Neera and Malika would be safe here. Khan might not be so safe, but that was his nature, and Neera had been telling him to get a move on and go off exploring for some time now. Even though they never talked about it, she knew exactly how sorely Khan missed his James. Neera had means to contact Katie, so Khan did not have to be worried about his other half. She was strong without him. Leaving her was, of course, still not an option, but they’d manage.

Now that he had finally thrown off the chains that Starfleet had had him in, Khan felt as free and adventurous as he hadn’t in centuries. There might be danger lurking. There might be Jim at the end of the adventure. Hel and Hades, there HAD to be Jim at the end of that adventure, who was he kidding? Khan knew he was risking detection by finally, _finally_ visiting James. But, he thought, smiling down at the four stones that mirrored his heart, even though he might not know all that may be coming, be it what it will, he’d go to it laughing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End.
> 
> I wanted to keep it short but sweet. And open for mayyyyybe more. Khan, as usual, is one step ahead of everyone. Throughout the writing process I was always thinking "Khan wouln't change much in the end" and I think he hasn't, and yet, he has, so much. But he just can't help but do things, unfortunately. He's the same and yet completely different. (sorry for the rambling here,,,)
> 
> Please let me know what you think, I'd love some feedback for the future!
> 
> I'm thinking about a sequel, or at least a few scenes more without a bigger story behind it, but this is all there is for the moment. Feel free to spam me with prompts, ideas, nagging, etc :)
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who has read until now, everyone who has stayed with me and the story until now, each and every click, comment, kudos and bookmark means so, so much to me!


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